Chapter 15

15

S he knew, not from her own experience on the subject, but from the many ribald and candid comments from the women of the clan, that the physical joining of a man and woman could actually bring some amount of pleasure to both participants. She suspected the same from her own vague memories of the tingling anticipation that had filled her once long ago when she'd thought that their distant cousin was really Sandy. And she even knew from the way men pursued women and from the well-worn path before her, that men sought those pleasures more often and with more vigor than women did. Somehow, though, knowing that could not explain her sense of betrayal and disgust as she watched Robert take his leave of the village whore.

Anice was on her way back from an early morning visit with Moira when the door to Robena's croft opened and Robert stepped onto the path. Still laughing and sharing some words of parting, he nodded to the woman inside and pulled the door closed behind him. He had not been in the great hall for dinner or after, so it was obvious even to her that he had spent the night here.

She stepped back into the shadows of the tree-lined path until he had made his way towards the keep and then she approached the cottage. Anice had thought that early in the morning would be a safe time to visit the woman, never considering that one of her customers would be there after a night's... activities. Pushing open the low wooden gate in the stone fence surrounding the house, she walked up to the door and knocked.

"'Tis much too early in the morn for..." The woman's words trailed off as she realized who had come to call on her. "Pardon me, milady," Robena said with a slight curtsy, "are ye looking for... someone?" Anice noticed the hesitation.

"No, I was actually trying to visit when you had no... visitors," Anice offered as an explanation. "I did not want to see anyone." She glanced at the path where Robert had been a minute before.

"Och, so ye saw Robert here then, did ye? Did ye want to speak to him?" The woman leaned out of her doorway to look in the direction Robert would have taken, "Should I fetch him for ye, milady?"

"Nay. Please do not," Anice said, placing her hand on Robena's arm. "'Tis you I've come to see. May I enter?"

Robena nodded, backing away and pulling the door open as she did. Anice entered the small cottage, not quite knowing what to expect. Everything there looked as it did in any of the other crofts in the village: there was a table, some benches, and the dirt-packed floor was neat and tidy. If she'd thought that some sign of the woman's sins would be present, she was mistaken.

Anice noticed the slight trembling in Robena's hand as she pointed to one of the benches. Was she afraid of Anice? Anice walked slowly to the seat and lowered herself on it.

"I have only cold water from the spring or some cider to offer ye, milady," she said with another curtsy.

"Cider would be fine, Robena. Then please sit."

After a minute of gathering cups and pitcher together, the woman sat across the table from her. Robena poured two cups full of drink and then waited for Anice. When Anice did not begin immediately, the woman stood nervously.

"If this is about Robert, milady, I assure ye I have no' visited him in the keep. I follow yer orders, milady. I swear I do. I only go to the kitchen door and never inside. Never inside."

Robena's trembling had grown to shaking as she stood fidgeting and never meeting her gaze. Anice remembered giving the orders that no whore from the village should ever enter the keep or be in her sight. Sighing, she waited for Robena to look at her. Then she motioned for her to sit .

"No one haes said that you have, Robena. If you... see Robert, 'tis your own affair and not mine. I have come to ask you something."

"Me, milady? Ye have to ask me something?" The woman's complexion took on a paler shade.

"Is there anything that you need? Anything that you are lacking? Clothing? Food?" Anice glanced around the croft looking for clues. "Someone to bring you peat or wood for the fire?"

Robena followed her gaze and looked around her home. "Nay, milady. I need nothing. Truly."

"I have realized that, although I see to the needs of everyone else in the clan, I have been remiss in seeing to yours."

"Mine, milady?" Robena whispered.

"Aye. I have never asked after you or made certain that you were well fed or clothed. I apologize for that now." At the sight of Robena's mouth, dropped wide open in astonishment, Anice continued, "So, do you need anything from the keep's stores or supplies? Any help to make your cottage fit for the next winter? Anything?"

Robena's mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out. The woman's surprise was not lost on Anice. She knew that this action, approaching the village whore in the woman's own cottage, was out of the ordinary. But her decision to try to make the rest of Robert's stay in Dunnedin comfortable had led her here. Robena finally shook her head in response and Anice rose from her seat.

"If you find you have need of something, see me for it."

"But, my lady...," Robena began to argue.

"Oh, aye, I see the problem. I will not refuse you entrance into the keep so long as you do not shame any of the married women before the clan. Keep your attentions on the unmarried men and you are welcome to join in the meals at the keep, if you wish."

Believing she had accomplished the task she'd set out to do, Anice walked to the door. One thought did bother her. Well, there were many things she did not understand about Robena's choices but one thing that she truly wanted to know. Reaching the door and pulling it open herself, Anice turned back and saw that the woman still stood by the table.

"Do you enjoy this?"

The words hung there in the air between the women; neither one misunderstood the question.

"My lady," Robena said as she moved closer, "yer husband was a man who gained pleasure from the pain of others. He enjoyed inflicting pain and watching others in the giving of it."

Anice's breath stuck in her chest—this was not what she'd expected to hear from the whore. How did she know this about Sandy? How could she? Oh, dear God!

"You? Did he...?"

"Aye, but I'd already had enough men to know that most are no' like that. Most take pleasure in pleasure. And those men are the reason I do enjoy what I do for them, with them."

Anice shook her head, unable to force any more words out. Sandy had spread his destruction far and wide. Stepping into the sunshine, Anice took a few steps and Robena called to her.

"Thank ye for yer kindness to me, milady." Robena curtsied again.

The tears rapidly filling her eyes blocked her vision, so Anice simply nodded in the direction of the voice and then turned away. She'd had no idea that Sandy had attacked Robena before their wedding. Of course not, she thought. No one would have mentioned his behavior if it involved a whore.

Stumbling down the path, she knew where she had to go. Following the lane away from the keep, she made her way back to Moira's cottage. Surely Moira would tell her what had happened. When she reached it, she banged on the front door. When she realized that no one was inside, she walked around to the back. When Anice left here earlier, Moira had said she'd be working in her garden. Sure enough, she found the healer kneeling between rows of plants, gently turning the soil with her hands.

"Why?"

Panting and unable to catch her breath, Anice waited for Moira to acknowledge hearing her question. When it was obvious that Moira was biding her time before responding, Anice spied a bench under a tree nearby and collapsed onto it. Moira continued and finished the row she was working on before standing and dusting the dirt off her skirts. Pausing to rinse her hands in a bucket of water, Moira came to stand before her. Now in her sixth month, Moira's belly protruded as her own had done some months ago. But where fear and apprehension had ruled Anice's pregnancy, joy and contentment were clear in Moira's face and deportment.

"Why, Moira? Why?" she asked again.

"Ye are asking several questions with yer one word, Anice. Why did he take her as he had taken ye? Because he chose to. Why did I no' tell ye of his actions? Because ye were no' ready or able to hear of them." Moira paused for a few moments. "Let me ask something of ye. Why did ye go to see the whore?"

Anice winced at the harsh sound of the word. Somehow meeting Robena face-to-face and talking with her had changed her perception of the woman. And, added to the comments of the women whose counsel she valued, she felt that mayhap she had also done this woman wrong in the past....

"She is Robert's friend."

"Is that what men call them now? Friends?" Moira's voice was strange, almost as though she were taunting Anice with her questions.

"Regardless of whatever else they may do together, he calls her friend. I was simply looking for ways to thank him for what he did."

"So you made arrangements with the whore to do what? Tup him?"

"Moira, stop this," Anice said, waving her hand in front of her. "In looking for ways to thank Robert, I thought to aid his friends, if they needed it."

"And did she?"

"Nay, she says she needs nothing that she does not have."

Moira walked over to the bench and sat beside her. "And that is when she told you about Sandy?"

"Nay," Anice answered, shaking her head. "I asked if she enjoyed what she does with men and she said all men are not like Sandy was." She clasped her hands as she remembered the moment when she realized what her late husband had done. "Then I knew, Moira, I knew what he had done to her."

"Aye, he and his friends used her badly."

Anice could feel the blood drain from her face. "His friends, too?" she whispered, shuddering at the thoughts that raced through her mind. "Was she beaten?"

"No' the way he did ye, Anice, but she will never be able to bear children."

"Oh, dear God in heaven!" she cried out. "If that bastard was no' dead, I would have to kill him with my own hands." She heard her voice slip with the emotion behind it. When she realized what she had said, she gasped. Then she heard Moira laugh.

"Oh, lass, 'tis glad I am to finally hear that from yer lips." Moira took her hands and closed her own around them. "Ye have lived first in fear and then in guilt over what he did to ye. Ye blamed yerself for his abominations. 'Tis good to see and hear yer anger at him for what he chose to do."

"But, Moira, 'tis wrong to say that." Anise could feel the weight of her guilt once more. Had she brought Sandy's behavior on herself by her own? If that was not a sin, then surely her attempts to end her own life had been. She would pay for that the rest of her life and probably her soul would pay for eternity.

"If Sandy attacked ye and ye were a man, ye would have challenged him and killed him on the field." Anise nodded in agreement. "But, because yer a woman, ye dinna have that choice. Ye must bear what yer husband seeks to give ye—be it good or bad. Dinna allow yerself to be fooled into thinking that just because ye must bear it, 'tis right and just."

Anice reeled at the words. She had carried her guilt so long, it was difficult to let go of it. For now, she would try to accept what both Moira and Robena had said and leave it at that. She had much to think about.

"I have much to do this day, Anice. So, if ye dinna need me...?" Moira stood and began walking to the door of her cottage.

Anice rose from her seat and waited for her wobbly legs to gain strength. She, too, had many duties to carry out this day, the first of which was to feed the babe who was probably even now screaming out his hunger. She walked briskly back to the keep, but could not stop herself from staring at Robena's cottage as she passed by it once more.

The commotion began in the back of the room and spread slowly to the front, gaining his attention. He sat at the end of the table on the dais, as far away from Struan as he could get without leaving the table. And far enough away from Anice that he could breathe without detecting the scent that clung to her these days. 'Twas not of babe as she suspected, but of whatever herbs she added to her bath. He could smell their fragrance in her hair whenever she walked by him. He snorted, disappointed in how he'd allowed things to change so much.

The last weeks had been hell—pure and simple hell for him. It seemed that Anice was invading his life more and more each day. Even as he drew back and tried to keep his thoughts and desires under control, she pushed her way in. His room had been refurbished: first a new mattress had appeared and then clean, sweet-smelling rushes covered the floor of his chamber every few days. His meager assortment of clothing had grown and those pieces which were fraying or torn were now repaired and cleaned. If he did not sit to eat with them in the hall, a tray of food appeared in his room later.

The worst part of it was that she did not understand the impact her actions were having. He had it from a good source that she was doing these things to show her gratitude for his actions the night she had the bairn. And, even though he knew her motives were certainly innocent, it did not stop the wanting from growing within him once more. He was more the fool than he thought was possible.

Robert searched through the room for the reason behind the wave of murmuring and saw the cause. Robena had entered the hall. Not once in his months in Dunnedin had she ever done so; she had told him that Anice would not permit her within the keep. Now, there she stood in the doorway. He looked over to Anice to see what she would do, now that she had been openly defied before the clan.

Anice motioned to one of the servants standing behind her and whispered some instructions to him. Robert was impressed that she would handle this discreetly. Tales of her temper, not seen for months and months and now reasserting itself, had been shared with him and he did not want to see his friend humiliated here before the whole clan. Those attending dinner were not going to allow this to be handled quietly, for all eyes and ears followed the servant's path through the hall to where Robena stood. And to their audible surprise, instead of leaving after the servant delivered the lady's message, Robena followed the man up to the front of the room and stood before the table.

Anice did not look angry at all as she looked down where Robena stood. Robert held his breath, as did many in the hall, waiting for Anice's words.

"So you have come to the hall after all."

"Aye, my lady," Robena answered and curtsied to Anice.

"Do you have a place to sit?" Anice looked at the tables below theirs and then back to Robena. "No one you can eat with?"

A gasp moved through the crowd. This was unheard of— the lady inviting the village whore to join their company. Outside the presence of Anice, the villagers granted her a grudging acceptance; no one went out of their way to hurt or harm or harass her. Most of the women even spoke freely to her. But Anice, the Lady Anice, had long ago forbidden this woman, his friend, from entering.

"I think that they fear ye, milady, if they let me sit with them." Robena's soft voice carried far due to the eerie silence around them. More murmuring filled the room as the people waited for Anice's reaction to what could be considered an insult from Robena.

"You are most probably correct, Robena." Raising her voice, Anice continued, "Robena is welcome in the keep and at meals. Find a seat for her now."

Robert watched in stupefied muteness as there was some shifting at one of the tables and a space opened on the bench next to it. Robena smiled at Anice and walked to the seat as though this were something that happened every day. Soon the meal continued and he looked back at Anice. Why? Why had she done this?

"'Tis true, then? Ye had words with the whore today?" Struan's gruff voice was low enough not to bring attention but loud enough for all at table to hear. Robert then noticed that Struan had aged considerably since Sandy's death—his skin had lost some of its healthy color and his hair was now more white than gray.

"I did visit her, Struan. We had matters to discuss." Anice's voice was even and calm, but he could feel the tension rising between her and her father-by-marriage.

"'Tis unseemly for ye, the daughter of an earl and maither to another, to be calling on the village whore, Anice. Remember yer place, lass." Struan motioned for the tray of meats to be brought and he pulled a small bird from it. Tearing into the roasted carcass, he said, "Ye are a lady and must keep yer distance from those no' worthy of yer attentions."

Although the subject was Robena, Robert felt certain that Struan spoke about him. Anice's many kindnesses had not gone unnoticed by the older man. He met his father's gaze without flinching.

"I assure you, Laird, I do not plan to consort with whores. This was something I needed to do. I will remember my place." Anice nodded and lowered her eyes to her plate, but that did nothing to ease the rigidity in her posture.

"Ye are a good lass, Anice. Ye have done yer duty well by the clan."

There was an odd tone to his voice that made Robert look once more at Struan. The laird simply nodded to Anice and turned his attention back to his plate, leaving Robert to ponder the meaning behind his words. A little while later, Struan stood and pushed back his chair.

"The elders meet with me this eve in the solar. Anice, would ye have some ale brought there before we begin?" At her nod, he added, "And make certain we are no' disturbed."

Anice leaned back in her chair and motioned to Connor, who was standing off to one side. In a seamless effort, no words were passed yet orders were given with nothing more than the wave of a hand and the nod of a head. Anice was clearly back in her position and back in control of all that went on within the keep. And, good God, how she reveled in it!

He realized that she had spent a good portion of her life in charge or in training to be in charge of Dunnedin. That she and Struan had long ago worked out a system between them for handling the duties each one was responsible for. Now that she was completely recovered, she was stepping back into the place she had made for herself.

Once Struan left the table, the servants began clearing away the dishes and cups. Robert looked among the people for his friend and found her in the midst of a lively discussion where she sat. Deciding to find out the reasons behind Anice's actions, he moved to the seat at her side, now vacated by Firtha.

"She is so much the outcast here, it does my heart good to see her included. I thank ye for yer kindness to her."

A blush began to color her neck and face. She smiled at him and then seemed to struggle to find the words she wanted. Finally, she spoke.

"I went to see her because of you, Robert." The surprise must have been clear on his face for she looked away and continued her explanation. "I have been looking for ways to show you the gratitude I feel for your part in saving my son's life." She paused for a moment. "And my own life as well. I knew she was your friend and offered her whatever she might need to make her life a more comfortable one."

"What did she ask for? This?" Robert looked over to where Robena was seated.

"Nay. She asked for nothing. I told her to come to me if she did and then realized that my own words would keep her away. So, I said that the keep would be open to her as long as she did not ply her trade among the married men while here."

"And ye did this for me?"

A frown filled her face and her brows gathered close together. He knew she was thinking of some personal darkness for it was there on her face clearly.

"I went to her because of you and then found I owed her a debt of my own." Anice shook her head and then looked at him. "I have tried today to understand that she does her part for the clan as much as anyone else does here. I cannot condone it, but I am trying to accept it and to accept her. She is entitled as much as any MacKendimen to share in the bounty we have. Now," she said, standing from her seat, "I am finished discussing her and need to see to my wee tyrant above."

He rose next to her and waited for her to leave the dais. Another look was exchanged between her and Robena, which he did not understand at all. Well, if Anice would say no more, that was fine. He knew that Robena would tell him all he needed or wanted to know. She stood and left her bench, accompanied by one of the younger warriors. She would be busy for some time with the bairn so he left the keep and walked the perimeter walls to clear his head. But, the crisp air and brisk pace did not help him that night.

The fog swirled down the paths and surrounded the cottages in its surreal grasp. A nearly full moon added its light to the landscape, but the rays could not penetrate to the ground. He walked among the shadows, down a familiar lane until he reached his destination. No lamp or fire burned within, so he quietly opened the door and entered. The fire was banked for the night and the first room was empty. He moved soundlessly until he found Robena on her pallet in the second room. Pulling off his plaid, he lay down next to her and fitted his body to hers. He covered them both with the woolen length and settled behind her for the night.

They'd begun sleeping together a few nights a week some time ago, each one wanting the pleasure of holding someone close. Rarely did it move beyond this for them now because even though she was willing, he grew uncomfortable with their sexual liaisons. Now, Robert knew she was awake, for as quiet as he could be, she stirred at the least sound or movement within her cottage. She moved against him, making herself more comfortable now that he had settled down.

"The Lady Anice owes ye a debt?" His words were whispered, since his mouth was so close to her ear.

"Does she say so? I ken of no debt owed to me." Robena let out a loud sigh and scrunched down into the cocoon he'd made around them with his body and plaid. "Truly, I would rather if we didna talk about it."

He waited for another few minutes to pass and then tried again—he would know the details before morn.

"She must feel particularly beholden to ye for something to change her own orders about ye eating in the hall."

"Rob, if I tell ye this, will ye never mention it again?"

He hesitated, now not certain if he should pursue this knowledge or not. Every instinct in him screamed of impending bad news. "Aye, I promise this will be the end of it."

"Sandy returned to Dunnedin filled with anger. He was furious at Struan for delaying his marriage and sending him to England. He was furious at Anice for the part he thought she played in the delay and for what he thought had happened while he'd been away those years with King David." Robena paused but he did not interrupt. "He and his Sassenach friends came here looking for some fun, as they called it, two nights afore the wedding."

He tried to remain still, but he could not stop the tensing of his muscles. He shifted, trying to maintain a relaxed position around her. "And?" he asked, helpless to stop himself now.

"Well, I have had some rough ones afore, but they were no' here for pleasure. Moira did what she could to patch me up afterwards."

Pure rage built within him. Sandy again—and at the center of someone else's torment. He tried to force his breaths in and out slowly but it did not help. As a warrior he knew not to let anger control him, but lying here listening to Robena's calm recitation of her terrifying ordeal was more than he could bear. She turned in his embrace and massaged his arms. Then, reaching up, she touched him on the cheek.

"And this is why I have never mentioned it to ye. Or to anyone."

"What injuries did ye have?" She hesitated and he squeezed her. "Tell me. "

"Rob. I am well now. Truly. Moira did her best for me and all is well."

An underlying current of sadness tinged her words and he knew deep in his being that all was not well. And he knew also that until he knew the full extent of it, he would keep pushing for the truth.

"Robena, tell me what ye hold back from others. I am yer friend."

She snuggled closer to him and tucked her head against his chest. If he had not been this near to her, he would never have heard her words. And then, once he did, he wished he had not.

"I canna ever have bairns of my own, Rob."

Wave after wave of emotion passed over him and he struggled not to show her anything but the comfort she needed. The roar within him grew until he wanted to pummel his dead brother with his own fists. An arrow in the back was too good a death for the likes of him.

"How could ye do this again? How could ye take men to yerself after he did that to ye?"

She lifted her face to him and, by the light of the moon streaming in the small window in her chamber, he saw the tears running down her cheeks. "But what else can I do? Although a few of the men would be willing to marry me to gain children, now I canna even offer that. Whoring is all I have left."

"Here now," he said as he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs and stroked her hair back. "I want ye to ken that I would strangle him with my bare hands if he were here."

"Oh, Rob. Ye could no' harm yer own brother, even for me."

Now he did stiffen, nothing could have prevented it. She knew?

"Aye, I ken that ye are Struan's son by Dougal's wife. I kenned that the night ye left Dunnedin. And ye would no' be able to hurt Sandy if he were alive now. Ye are too honorable."

"I dinna feel honorable right now," he confessed. He knew his time was ending here and it would soon be time to go. Mayhap she would go with him back to Dunbarton. Could he offer her marriage? He was not certain of that, but he knew they could live together comfortably.

"Will ye come back with me to Dunbarton when I go? We can wed there...." His words drifted off; he was not sure of what to say.

She pulled from his embrace and sat up next to him. "I dinna hold ye responsible for what yer brother and his friends did to me. Ye ken we canna marry."

"Why no? Struan doesna want me here and, unless he acknowledges me as his son, I have no place in the clan. Listen, Robena, I canna promise to love ye, but I would marry ye and care for ye."

"And I canna marry ye if ye dinna love me." She smiled a terribly sad smile and touched his cheek with the back of her hand. "I would want it all with ye, Rob. Or nothing. And ye canna offer me yer love when ye stand ready to give it to someone else."

He would have objected, but she covered his lips with her own. When she drew back from the kiss, she turned and lay close to him once more, tucking the plaid around them. What could he say? She was correct—his love was for someone else. Someone who would never know of it.

When the night was quiet around them again, she whispered something to him.

"I appreciate the comfort we share and yer offer of marriage. I thank ye, but I canna take more than what we share already here."

He held her as she fell asleep, her breaths becoming deeper and more even. And he knew he would not sleep this night as he thought over the truths he had learned. Truths about his brother, about Robena, and about Anice. And his role in all of this.