Chapter Twenty-Six

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Crow

“Do you wantto go for a walk with me, Crow?” Mom asked, making me smile. I wanted that more than anything. She loved this mountain the way I did, loved the smell of the earth, the comfort of the trees, and being surrounded by so much life. That’s what the mountain was to us—life. Animals and plants, all the living, breathing things that made this world a beautiful place.

I couldn’t speak like that around Chosen, and I tried not to do it with my mother either. I knew she would like it but that it would make Chosen mad. As much as I loved to share those things with her, I worried that if I did, I would disappoint him, and there was nothing in the world I hated more than that.

He was…well, he was Chosen. He was the most Enlightened of us all. To show love for other things was less love you could give him when he deserved it all.

My feet moved toward her like they had a mind of their own, but then I stopped, gaze darting back to the compound. Chosen wouldn’t like it. There was work to be done, and he wanted me to see Hillary again today. That was what men did, and if I wasn’t devoting my time to him or what he wanted from me, I should be with her. It would make a man out of me, though it didn’t feel that way. I didn’t like it, and she always wanted me to look at her, which made it harder. It wasn’t her fault. It was me who was broken.

“Crow… We should be able to go for a walk together. It’s… Never mind. You’re right.”

“No!” I rushed out before she could change her mind. I missed her. The older I got, the more responsibility Chosen gave me—I always had to do more to prove I was worthy of being his son. It left me barely any time to spend with her. “We can go on a short one.”

Mom smiled, and it warmed my chest. Her smile was one of my favorite things. When she did it, I couldn’t stop myself from doing the same.

We headed off into the woods. Neither of us worried about getting lost. This had been my home for sixteen years. It was all I knew.

“How are you doing?” Mom asked as we strolled along.

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

I was fine. Of course I was fine. There was no other option.

“We just don’t get to spend as much time together as I’d like. I never know what you’re up to, and—”

“That’s between me and Chosen.” How could she even hint that I should share with her? We were all told only the things we needed to be told, the things we could understand. There was a reason for everything, and we were not Enlightened enough to understand it. Only Chosen was. She didn’t know how often I’d go in for pain when I disappointed him and needed Clarity. She didn’t know about Hillary. It wasn’t her place.

“Crow… I…” She swiped at her eye, and I could have sworn she wiped a tear away. My heart ached. Was she sad again? Fear gripped me at the thought. If she was, Chosen would get angry. There was no reason for her to be upset when she was on the path to true Enlightenment, when she was with Chosen and serving her purpose.

Tell her. Tell her there are things you don’t like. Tell her there are things that feel wrong.

No!

What was wrong was me questioning Chosen. Even if it was only in my head. I should never. He was everything, had the ear of God. He was the only way to Salvation.

There was a soft crackling noise in the distance. I looked up to see two deer. “Shh,” I told her. I pointed, and she turned to them, offering them one of her kind smiles, the ones that made me feel like I was the most important person in her world, though I shouldn’t be. Those spots were reserved for Chosen and God.

“You have a sixth sense when it comes to animals. I didn’t even hear them.”

She was right. It was one of the things I was most proud of. It made me feel more connected to this world, to the mountain. They didn’t ask of me any of the things Chosen or anyone else did.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force those thoughts from my head. They were wrong. When I got back to the compound, I should be punished.

“Crow?” Mom said my name so softly, filled with so much emotion, that I didn’t understand. I opened my eyes and looked at her, pleaded with her silently not to say something that would make Chosen upset with her. “I love you, Crow. I know I don’t say that enough. I know we’re not supposed to, but I love you more than anything in this world, and everything I’m doing is for you. One day you’ll see, one day you’ll understand, and—”

“Understand what? And no. That’s wrong. You’re not supposed to love me more than anything. It’s wrong!”

I love you too. So much.

Tears filled her eyes. “My sweet boy. I’m doing everything in my power to fix what I allowed to get broken. Iwill fix it for you.”

“Stop.” I shook my head, put my hands over my ears. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I knew it was wrong, knew it was bad, that Chosen wouldn’t like it. “Let’s just…let’s just go back.”

She hesitated for a moment, then gave me a brokenhearted smile.

We didn’t talk on the way back to the compound. When we arrived, Chosen was there waiting for us. My heart stopped.

“What were you doing? Where did you take my son?”

“We just went for a walk. It’s a lovely day, and—”

“And you should know better,” Chosen cut Mom off. “You didn’t ask. There is work to do.” He turned to me. “Crow, you are late for Worship.”

But I didn’t have prayer yet. It wasn’t time. I opened my mouth to say that, but Mom gave me a quick shake of her head. My mouth clamped closed again.

To Mom, he said, “You’ll be punished for him. He can’t seem to find Clarity through his own lessons. Maybe he’ll find them through yours.”

“No! Don’t!” I didn’t want her to hurt for me. It was my fault. I’d known I shouldn’t have gone.

“Now she gets extra time for your outburst.”

My gaze snapped to hers, and she shook her head again.

And I listened. For the rest of my life, I would hate myself for listening.

“Go.” Chosen told her, and she went. I watched until she disappeared from view. “What did she tell you?”

“Nothing,” I lied, knowing it was wrong, knowing that we should never lie to Chosen.

“Do you know why I named you Crow?” he asked, making me frown.

“No, Chosen.”

“They are often seen as a bad omen. They’re associated with death. But they’re also intelligent animals, watchful, thoughtful, and are supposed to have incredible insight. Which path you take is up to you. Will you be the downfall of us all? Will you follow the ways of the Lord, become Enlightened and fulfill your destiny, or will you cause death and destruction? That’s where free will comes in, and I worry about your choices, Crow.”

Without another word, Chosen walked away. As much as I wanted to cry, I didn’t allow myself to. I would do the right thing. I would fulfill my destiny. I would walk at Chosen’s side, Enlightened.

I jerked awake, chest tight, heart stampeding, my mind flashing with images I didn’t want to see.

Mom bloody.

Chosen hurting her.

Chosen killing.

He’d told me only the day before that I had a choice. I should have chosen to get her out, should have seen that what he was doing was wrong. Instead, I’d been the reason she died.

I stumbled out of bed, head spinning, lungs hurting each time I took a breath. I fell several times as I staggered out of the room, through the house, needing fresh air, because inside was too stifling. I tumbled out the door, sprawled into the snow, my body freezing, skin feeling like it was falling off, stinging, teeth chattering.

Seconds passed. Minutes? Hours? Days? Couldn’t be. I would be dead, but then Cyrus was there, the one who taught me to smile again, something I hadn’t done since that day in the woods with my mom.

The mom I won’t share with him. Can’t.Because I caused her death.

“Crow? What are you doing? Oh my God. You’re naked in the middle of a snowstorm!”

A blanket wrapped around me, and I immediately shook him off. He stumbled, teeth rattling together as I snarled at him.

“Crow…baby, please. Come inside. I need you to come inside.”

The word baby broke through the fog in my head. Cyrus was outside. He was freezing. He hardly had any clothes on. Cyrus, who would get sick if I didn’t get him inside. Cyrus, who loved me.

I had caused one death already. I couldn’t survive losing him.

I tugged him close, my body already struggling to move, like my insides were nothing but icicles, and we toppled into the house together, Cyrus kicking the door closed.

“I…heard…you…the door…I looked…out…window…threw…clothes on…” He tried to speak through the shivers racking his body. Good. So I hadn’t been out there long. “Baby…”

I pulled him to me, wrapped him in my arms, savored the warmth of him, the feeling of Cyrus, my sun, warming my insides, even if I didn’t deserve it.

“Warm,” I managed to say. It was the only word I could set free, though so many more banged against the door of my mind, trying to dive out.

We staggered into the kitchen. I turned on the faucets, getting the water hot and filling two cups, which we drank. Then I pulled Cyrus into the bathroom, the heat already doing its job, starting to warm us as I turned on the tub to fill it.

I held him again, the two of us trembling against each other.

I’m sorry I can’t share her with you.

Sorry I’m not right.

That you’re cold because of me, when it’s my job to take care of you. To protect you.

I love you.

I ripped Cyrus out of his clothes, and then we climbed into the bath together, the water feeling like needles against my skin.

It was Cyrus who wrapped me in his embrace this time, his fingers running through my hair. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m here. I love you.”

Other than my mom, Cyrus was the only person who’d ever loved me, and I hoped I didn’t ruin him, the way I’d done with her.