Chapter Twenty-One

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Cyrus

“Do you have any sixes?” I asked Crow as we sat at the table, him in the old chair and me in the one we’d made weeks and weeks ago. We used the same Go Fish cards my mom and I had played with. It was a silly kids’ game, but it was one my mom and I had always played, so it’s what I’d taught Crow.

He shook his head, as he always did instead of saying Go Fish. Maybe because he still didn’t like to talk too much. He still had times when he was quieter or would tell me no more talking. I tried my hardest not to push him when he was quiet and definitely never did when he specifically told me.

I drew a card, our bowls from the stew we’d had for dinner sitting beside us. It was Christmas Eve, something Crow didn’t mention, so I hadn’t either. Did he celebrate holidays? That was a ridiculous question. He likely hadn’t for at least ten years, unless he’d done it alone. Had Christmas been something his cult believed in? I wasn’t a religious person, and my mom hadn’t been either, but she’d loved Christmas. I wanted to share that with Crow, wanted to find a way to give him a special day, but I didn’t know how to do that or if he would even want it.

The holiday wasn’t something I’d considered when I came up the mountain with Crow, and the sadness beginning to weigh heavily on me was unfortunately all too familiar. I missed her, so much, and playing with her cards the day before Christmas, when there were no decorations and I had absolutely nothing to give Crow, bore down on me.

“I don’t think I want to play anymore.” I collected the cards. Crow cocked his head as he handed his over, and I carefully put them back in the box. Holding it in my hand, I went to the couch, where I sat on the corner cushion and hugged the box to my chest. Crow moved around behind me, washing the dishes. He hated leaving them, and usually I tried to do them for him. He still never let me cook, and I had a feeling he didn’t trust eating something he hadn’t made with his own hands.

When he finished, he came over and sat beside me. “Show?” he asked simply. We watched shows and movies together, but I didn’t think he liked them. He watched them for me, and I wasn’t in the mood tonight anyway, so I shook my head.

Crow’s brows drew together, his forehead wrinkling as he studied me with those intense eyes of his. “Am I making you unhappy?”

“No!” I sat straighter. That was the last thing I ever wanted him to think. “I’m sorry. It’s me, not you.” I was probably making him unhappy. He basically had to take care of me, and worry about me, and watch stupid shows for me. I was going to ruin this, ruin everything. “Do you want to fuck me?” I started to go for my flannel bottoms, but Crow stopped me, the lines in his forehead deepening. “Please…I’ll make you feel so good.” I didn’t know how else to prove to him I wanted to be here, how to give Crow anything because I had absolutely nothing to give him.

I tried to take my bottoms off again, but his hold on me tightened. Crow pulled me onto his lap, his arms around me with so much strength, I couldn’t move. “Little lamb…” he said, his forehead pressed to the middle of my back. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“You’re not. I just…miss my mom. I miss her more around this time of year. She loved Christmas and the snow, and I wish she could be here with us. And I wish I wasn’t so helpless and needy and that I had things I could give you too. I want to give you a happy Christmas, and I don’t even know if you celebrate. And I want to be useful to you so I’m not just a man who interrupted your life. I don’t have anything to give you except my ass. Sometimes my mental illness makes these feelings of worthlessness and sadness feel so much bigger, like they’re breaking me down. It lasts a little while; sometimes days, sometimes more.”

He’d deserved those words, but I wished I hadn’t given them to him, knew they would just show him how broken I was, how much work I was.

Crow didn’t speak right away, just flipped me so I lay on my back on the couch, and came down on top of me. He brushed my hair off my forehead and traced the freckles on my face. “You.”

“Me what?”

“You give me you. Not just your ass. All of you. Your…feelings, your words, your smiles. You.” He shook his head as if he was doing something wrong, and my breath caught, unable to break free. “I…” Crow squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. “Only need you. Mine.” Crow held on to my throat, with just a little pressure, but also brushing his fingers over my pulse.

“Yours,” I promised him, voice cracking. Always and forever I would belong to Crow.

“That’s more than I ever thought I would have, little lamb.” His hold on my neck tightened, and I wrapped my legs around him. My dick was hard now, throbbing against him as I thrust and rolled my hips. “Mine,” he said again.

“Yours,” I said, knowing my throat vibrated against his hand while I spoke. When he let go, I gasped, wanting him to do it again.

Before I could ask, he said, “Tell me about her.”

“My mom?” I played with those long strands of his hair, kept my legs wrapped tight around him. My eyes were already watering because I wanted to share her, so much. The good parts of her that deserved more attention.

Crow nodded, so I did.

“Christmas was her favorite holiday because she said people were kinder this time of year. When we had money, she would spoil me, buy me so many things we couldn’t afford. And when we didn’t, she still tried to make it the best day. We would go outside and have snowball fights and make snow angels. We painted a Christmas tree on the wall once because we didn’t have the money to buy one.”

On and on and on, I shared story after story about my mom with Crow, showing him how special and perfect she was, even though she was an addict. People tended to hear drugs and automatically write someone off as a bad person, but she wasn’t. She was the best person I’d ever known, followed by the man allowing me to keep her memory alive.

“She called me her sun—like sunshine. It’s why she named me Cyrus. It means sun, and she said her world was dark before me and I brought light into her life.”

It wasn’t until Crow began wiping my cheeks that I realized I was crying, tears pouring down in uncontrollable waves. When he couldn’t catch them all with his fingers, he leaned in, mouth against my cheek, kissing and licking them away. I loved it. Loved him. Crow had still never kissed me on the lips, and I longed for it, but this was almost as good, his mouth touching my face over and over and over, catching my salty tears on his lips and tongue.

When they finally stopped falling, he leaned forward, rubbing his scratchy cheek against mine, his beard rough but exactly what I needed.

“One day I want you to take me just like this, Crow, with me on my back and you looking into my eyes so you can see how much I belong to you while you fuck me.”

He gave a deep rumble, buried his face into the side of my throat, bit and sucked.

“Ahhh!” I cried out at the sharp pain, while my hand fisted his hair and I pulled him closer so he knew how much I wanted it.

Crow marked me, making me throb as he pulled the blood to the surface. All too soon, it was over. He eased back and looked down at me, brushing our noses together. “My little lamb…”

I smiled and felt him do the same.

We stayed there for a long while, breathing each other’s air. When he backed away some, I missed the contact. He still lay against me, but our heads didn’t touch. When I saw his smile, though, it was worth it.

With a shaky hand I touched it, traced his lips with my fingers. Then I kissed two of my digits and pressed them against his lips. He sucked them into his mouth, twisting his tongue around them.

“I love you,” I whispered, then held my breath.

Crow released my fingers, confusion clear on his face. “Why?”

“Because I was meant to love you. I exist to love you, to belong to you.”

Crow’s expression was so soft, so gentle, while at the same time, his eyes were wild, untamed. He answered by leaning in and pressing his lips to mine, just once, but it was all the answer I needed. Somehow, even though I wasn’t anything special, Crow loved me too.

“Do you want to tell me about her too? Your mom?”

He tensed against me, his whole body language changing. “Can’t.”

I nodded. “Okay. Maybe one day.” I wished he could share her with me, but I would never push him. What Crow gave me was enough.