Chapter Thirteen

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Cyrus

My eyes fluttered open, light shining in the window. My gaze landed on Crow, who looked to be in the exact same spot he’d sat in last night. Had he gotten up at all? Had he slept? Sometimes he didn’t seem human, didn’t seem to have the same basic needs as the rest of us. I’d spent two nights at this cabin now, and on both he’d sat in one place and stayed up all night. Either that, or he took catnaps when I didn’t notice.

I winced when I rolled over. My ass was sore from yesterday. It had been a long time since I’d been with someone, so fucking that hard and fast without lube hadn’t been very smart.

Crow frowned, and I hated that he noticed. Silently, he stood and came to the bed. His strong hands rolled me to my stomach. “Wait. What are you doing?”

“Checking you.”

I was surprised I’d gotten a response. I liked the sound of his broken, rough voice, though. The way it wrapped around me and seemed to fill my empty spaces. “I’m fine.”

He paused, didn’t speak, as if waiting, and when I didn’t tell him no, he tugged the flannels down my legs, spread my cheeks, and examined my ass. I wasn’t sure what it said about me, but it gave me a content feeling that he cared enough to check, that my comfort and health meant something to him. No men had cared before.

I trembled when his finger brushed over my rim, my morning wood thickening even more.

“I don’t think there are any tears.” His voice was softer now. “I shouldn’t have…done that.”

My whole body went rigid now, not just my dick. “You regret fucking me?” Of course he did.

Crow was still rubbing my hole, massaging it with his finger, but I wasn’t turned on anymore.

“I liked it,” I told him. “I fucking loved it. I felt…owned, possessed.” And no one had ever truly wanted me. Eddie and his friends liked to screw me, but any hole would do. I never felt like I belonged to them, to anyone, and while I knew that wasn’t true with Crow either, in that moment it had been easy to forget.

His breathing picked up, so loud I could hear it. He was so animalistic, like living out here had changed him into something else. I should stop this…and yet I wanted to push back against him and see if he’d slide his finger inside me, but again, bad decisions were my MO. “Did you like it?” Silence stretched between us, all the good feelings inside me, the hope, shrinking more and more. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

I tried to get out of bed, but Crow pressed down on me, not letting me move. “Too much,” was all he said, but those two words were more than I could hope for, more than I believed.

My heart was in my throat when I said, “Please don’t leave me next time.” Because that had been like being with Eddie. Used and left when they were done with me.

I waited for him to tell me there wouldn’t be a next time. I waited for him to storm out, but he just pulled the pj’s over my ass again. He took my hand and gave it a gentle tug. Come, Crow’s dark-chocolate eyes said without words.

I followed him. Crow led me to another room that I thought might be his, then to the bathroom there. A large, deep tub sat in the corner, and he turned the faucet on and began filling it.

I stood frozen, unsure what to think, afraid that if I moved, I would wake up back in Tranquility, alone.

Crow came back to me, brushed his fingers over the bruise on my face, making my breath catch. He was so gentle with me…when I knew he could be so hard. He’d nearly broken a man’s hand in front of me, and who knew what else he’d done, but with me, he was so incredibly gentle. Well, except when fucking, but we’d both wanted it that way.

He tugged the flannel pants down next, bending so I stepped out of them one foot, then the other. My dick was at half-mast, but he ignored it, before standing again. One hand touched my black eye again, the other my neck where he’d bitten me. I knew without looking that it had bruised. That hand went next to the marks on my hips from his fingers.

“It’s not the same thing, Crow. I wanted what you did to me. Eddie hit me because I didn’t want to give myself to him. I like your marks on me. I want more.”

His pupils blew wide, but he didn’t respond, didn’t touch me or fuck me or anything like that. Instead, he took my hand again, led me to the tub, and motioned for me to get in. I did, sank into the hot water, feeling more comfortable than I had in my whole life.

Like he’d done in the bedroom, Crow slid down the wall and sat on the floor beside the tub.

“I love baths,” I said, and he only nodded. “My mom used to buy bubble bath for me. It wasn’t something we could always afford, even though it was cheap, but she got it for me. I would wear bubble crowns and laugh. It was so simple and so much fun.” I couldn’t piece together why I was telling him this. My mom was the only thing in my life I’d kept sacred and mine, but this wasn’t the first time I’d given those good parts of her to him. “One time she got me this special paint so I could paint on the walls. I had a blast with that.” I chuckled, feeling Crow’s intense stare on me. I wanted his stories too, wanted him to share them with me, but I didn’t even know if Crow had any good memories. I didn’t know a lot about his cult or even how he felt about it.

When the water got high, he leaned over and turned it off for me.

But when I considered this—the bath, the meals, his worry about how he’d fucked me—he must’ve had something good in his life, otherwise how would he have learned to be so giving? Or maybe that wasn’t how the world worked, and it was just Crow’s nature—he could be fierce and hard, but also gentle.

“Have you showered?” I asked, and he shook his head. “After what we did yesterday, you should probably clean up.” When I was greeted with Crow’s familiar silence, I added, “You can…get in with me…”

“I don’t understand.”

“In the bath together. You can sit behind me, and I’ll lie between your legs and—”

“No.” I flinched at his response. “No,” he said again, then shook his head. “This. I don’t understand this.” Crow pointed back and forth between us. “I’ve never had a…friend. Or a partner. Even before…” He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. It was clear he didn’t like to talk about his time in the cult. “It was different. I don’t know what this is, don’t know how to do it. I don’t understand some of my thoughts…desires. It gets tangled up inside me.”

Those were the most words I’d heard him say, and damn, they did a number on my heart. Things had been bad for me for most of my life, but I understood emotions in a way he didn’t. I understood people and relationships. Still, a part of me related to what he was saying. The confusing connection I had with him didn’t make sense to me either.

“I’m not asking you for labels, Crow. I’m not asking you to be my friend or my partner or telling you to do anything. We can just be…do…what feels good because neither of us has had much that feels good. Right now I just want you to take off your clothes and get into the bath with me. Everything else can be figured out later.”

Like me going down the mountain before the snow came. I had two days off, but those would be over quickly. Or maybe Crow would make me leave before then anyway. I also had an apartment with bills and a job, so I couldn’t be stuck up here even if he wanted me to stay—not that he would.

But I wanted that.

Nothing I had mattered anyway. None of it meant anything to me, except one small box in the closet that held some of my mother’s things.

I was surprised when Crow stood up and pulled his shirt off. The man was so sexy, it should be illegal. His masculine chest, with just the right amount of fur, made me want to rub my cheek against it.

He unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans next, tugging them down. He was soft, but I could see he wasn’t just a grower. Even now he was big.

He had more body hair than I did, a thick, dark nest at his groin, and dark furry thighs.

I sat up, and he climbed in behind me and sat down. Crow’s legs were around me, and I leaned back against him, immediately feeling him tense up.

“I’m sorry.” I attempted to put space between us. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but Crow just wrapped his arm around me and held me down. I tried to turn my head to look up at him, but he didn’t let me do that either.

He rubbed his beard on my head like an animal marking me. “No one has ever touched me like this.” No one? What about the people he’d slept with?

“The woman…”

“I didn’t let her. I got out of bed quickly.”

“The man?”

“No one, little lamb.”

My pulse jumped. I didn’t know why he’d used the nickname, what made him choose it for me—or hell, for all I knew, it was a cult thing and all the helpless boys were little lambs. But I liked it.

“No more talking.”

“Okay.” We had spoken more than I thought we would anyway.

We stayed in the bath, lying together until the water got cold. I would have stayed there forever if Crow didn’t tap my thigh and signal for me to get out.

We dried off, and when I tried to put on the clothes he’d given me yesterday, he shook his head. Crow dressed, though, in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. I followed him naked, unsure what was happening, until he pulled my clothes from the dryer.

Disappointment burned in my chest. I didn’t want to wear my clothes. I wanted to wear his. It must have shown on my face because he frowned, his brows pulling together, but I shook off his concern, pretending it was nothing.

Crow watched me dress, then signaled for me to follow him. He pointed to the stool at the counter, then pulled eggs from the fridge.

“You don’t have to cook for me.” He only replied with a shrug that I guessed meant he wanted to. “I need to take my medicine.” I was thankful I had it with me. I’d been picking up a ninety-day supply when Crow found me.

He cocked his head slightly.

“One is an antidepressant, the other a mood stabilizer. They keep me level.” Most of the time.

His frown deepened, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. “Don’t judge. No one gives a shit if a person takes insulin or high blood pressure meds, but as soon as we take something for mental health, they look down on us. Fuck you, Crow.” I wanted to curl in on myself, to disappear. While I’d dealt with this all my life, for whatever reason, I hadn’t expected it from Crow. And while I felt strongly about not being judged for medication, I also understood that my brain was sometimes impulsive. That I could snap when the situation didn’t call for it.

He just kept staring at me, and though I knew he didn’t talk much, in this moment, it just pissed me off. But maybe more than that, it made me feel like suddenly he saw me, the real me, and didn’t like the picture.

“I want to go home.” I pushed off the stool, but before I could get far, Crow was in front of me, blocking the way.

“I’m not… I don’t…” He shook his head. “I don’t trust medication.”

Oh…oh. This wasn’t about me at all. It was about him and what he’d been through. I hadn’t even thought of that. It was my natural inclination to go to the worst-case scenario or to make it about myself. Considering I had such low self-worth, things went downhill fast from there. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Crow got me a drink while I got the bottles from the bag on the counter and took my pills.

He made scrambled eggs, bacon, and coffee, which we ate in the living room together since he only had one chair at the kitchen table and one at the bar.

Afterward he surprised me by tossing me my shoes, then my beanie. I put them on while Crow put his shoes on, sadness weighing me down because this was it. He was bringing me home.

I ripped my jacket from his hands, angry at him even though I didn’t have a right to be. I tugged it on like a bratty child. If I leave my bag here, I will have to come back. He’ll have to bring it to me. But when we went outside, Crow didn’t go toward the truck. He nodded at a stump—where he chopped wood, I assumed. With a frown, I sat down on it, already feeling chilly.

Crow went to the barn, pulled out some supplies, then began securing his greenhouse. Oh…he was doing his chores and taking me with him. Well, most likely he just didn’t want me alone in his house, but I didn’t mind. I wanted to be out here with him.

“It will withstand the snow and wind?” I asked, stepping closer.

Crow nodded, and disappointment hit me. I’d been hoping for words. As if sensing my frustration and actually giving a fuck, he said, “I built it with a truss design to provide extra strength. It’s double-walled, polycarbonate.”

He said the second part as if that meant something to me. I assumed it was what one built a greenhouse with if they lived in the snow. “Doesn’t it get too cold?”

“There’s a heating system. The onions, garlic, cabbage, carrots, and peas are a little tougher and can withstand the cold better. I have an energy curtain. It closes at night and opens during the day.”

Shit, he knew a lot. I looked around me, at how different things were from the photographs online. All this, Crow had done himself. Was there anything he didn’t know how to do? How to survive? “How did you learn all this?” I asked, but he didn’t respond. I tried not to be discouraged. He already gave me so much. “Can I help?”

That made his head whip in my direction and his gaze shoot to mine like he hadn’t expected me to ask that. There was a flash of panic before he covered it. “No.”

“Fine.” I turned and stalked back to the stump. “I’ll just sit here like a good boy and leave you alone.”

Crow ignored my temper tantrum. He just continued with his work. And I continued to pout…for what had to be over an hour while Crow went about his business, preparing his property for the winter.

I knew it wasn’t personal. I was simply the only person he’d ever allowed here. Though maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe the man he fucked came to his home. That thought felt like sandpaper against my skin. I couldn’t sit there and pout any longer, so I shoved to my feet. “I’m going for a walk.”

My feet hit the ground a little too hard as I headed away. Outside my own noises and those of the mountain around us, it was quiet, which was why I didn’t expect it when Crow grabbed me—I hadn’t even heard him coming.

“No.”

“No?” Anger burst out of me. “No? You don’t get to tell me what to do. And I’m not going to sit on a fucking stump all day in the cold and watch you fix shit. I get that you don’t trust me, that you don’t want to leave me alone in your house, and I know how big of a deal it is that I’m here at all, but that doesn’t mean you get to treat me like I’m useless!” I ripped my arm out of his grip and started to walk away, but Crow blocked my path.

“Not useless.”

“I don’t feel that’s true.” Ever. I didn’t ever feel like I wasn’t useless.

Crow ran a hand through his hair, which just fell again to hang around his face. I saw it then, the torment in his gaze. As much as I felt useless, he was struggling with how to do this. I had to remember that this wasn’t about him thinking I couldn’t help, but about him spending at least ten years doing everything alone.

“I’m sorry, Crow. I know you’re not used to this…and you told me you’re trying. I have a lot of issues. Relationships with people are hard for me to navigate. I can get a bit up and down, take things too personally, but I shouldn’t put my struggles on you.”

“You can get lost out there.”

Yes. I could. I’d done that before, hadn’t I? “I’ll sit on the stump. I promise.” I crossed my heart, wishing he would smile, but he didn’t.

Crow just signaled for me to follow him, and we walked back toward the house. When we got there, he asked, “Have you ever weatherproofed windows?”

I wondered if my eyes lit up the way my insides did. That simple question sent me soaring. “No, but I’m a fast learner.”

Crow nodded, and we got to work.