Chapter Nine

CHAPTER NINE

Cyrus

“Tell me whereit hurts.”

Two months later, I couldn’t get the rough, gritty sound of Crow’s voice out of my head. It was all I’d thought about. Well, that, and the feel of him touching me, the gentle way he’d stroked my face as if I were something precious to him and he didn’t want to break me, though not in a way that made me feel like he thought I was weak. Plenty of men had made me feel that way, but with Crow it felt like I was something to cherish, like I meant something to him.

Which was absolutely ridiculous. The two times he’d been to town since I’d left his place, he’d proven that I was out of my mind and that him caring about me was just wishful thinking. Both times he wouldn’t even make eye contact. He’d ignored me when I’d tried to speak to him, to tell him I got confirmation it was a bad sprain, no fracture, and I just had to wear one of those special boots. I’d used the crutches I’d gotten from the doctor and had tried to give Crow’s back to him, but he’d only pushed them away and walked out.

And I was the idiot who had my feelings hurt about it. When would I ever learn? I had never truly mattered to anyone except my mom, and I never would.

I was off my crutches now and out of the boot. Would he care?

Sometimes Eddie made you feel like you mattered. He at least made you feel wanted.

I rolled over in my bed, hoping somehow the movement would make those thoughts fall out. I’d been having them more and more lately. Crow might not want me, but Eddie would, his friends as well, and it would help, even if only for a moment.

“That’s the dumbest thing you can do. When will you ever learn?” I asked myself, my words echoing in the empty room.

I wondered if Crow ever did that. Did he speak to himself? Just talk out loud in the cabin or in the woods? His voice had been rough, but I figured he’d had to use it some for him to still have it. But what did I know about those things?

With a sigh, I forced myself to sit on the edge of the mattress. I didn’t want to go to work, just wanted to sit in my bed all day, but I knew I had to go.

I plucked my antidepressant and mood stabilizer off my nightstand, took the pills with my water bottle, and was already waiting for the day to be over.

*

I couldn’t stoppacing. I’d done something really fucking stupid, and now that mistake was about to show up on my doorstep.

I wrung my hands, my stomach in knots. But I needed this. Needed something. Was it so bad to want to feel good? And Eddie was easy. Eddie always came because he knew that once he had me again, he could get me high and all that would matter was him and the drugs.

My eyes shot to the door when there was a knock.

Don’t do this. Don’t answer.

But how could I call him, then let the man jump on a plane, only to ignore him now? I reminded myself I’d told him I didn’t want drugs, that I didn’t want to fuck, that I just needed a friend. After everything we’d been through, Eddie should be able to give me that much.

I cleared my throat, made sure I had my happiest smile on my face, and opened the door. “Hey, you.”

He was dressed in slacks and a button-up shirt, as usual. Eddie had money. A lot of it. And he used that money to have a lot of fun.

“Jesus, Cyrus. A small town called Tranquility? What the fuck are you doing here?” He stepped inside, held my face in his hands, and kissed me, but I pulled back.

“I like it. The name is cute, and I needed a change.”

“Well, this is certainly a change.”

I went deeper into my living room, and he closed the door.

“It’s dark in here. This apartment is…let’s say old.”

“Christ, Eddie. Don’t start already. I didn’t call you here to critique everything about me.”

His blond hair was perfectly styled, again, same as always. He gave me the grin that always got him his way. His smooth skin was flawless, no stubble on his face. He looked like he belonged on a runway, and I never understood why a man like him had paid me any attention.

Because he can get what he wants out of you. Because he knows you’re dying for attention, and he uses that to control you.

“You’re right, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult your little apartment here. It suits you.”

A thinly veiled dig. This was definitely a mistake.

“Have a seat. Do you want something to drink?”

“Do you have any wine?”

I shook my head. “I stopped drinking in rehab. No alcohol. No drugs. Nothing. It’s been eighteen months.” I beamed, proud of my accomplishment.

He huffed. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious.”

“Nothing at all? You haven’t touched anything since that night?”

I closed my eyes, trying to forget that. It had been the worst night of my life outside of when I lost my mom. ODing was…scary. What I remembered of it, at least. “I’ll get you some ice water.”

I was surprised when Eddie didn’t argue or call me on not answering his question. I ignored the pang in my gut at him not believing I could stay sober. It sucked not being believed.

When I went back into the living room, I handed him his glass. Eddie was sitting on the couch, and patted the seat beside him.

Don’t sit there, don’t sit there, don’t sit there.

I sat there. Of course I did.

“So…what are you doing now?”

“I work at a hardware store. It’s not the best job in the world, but it pays the bills.”

We rambled on for a little while about random things. He told me what our old friends were up to, how great his business was going, how much money he was making, and about all his wild parties. Eddie had always thrown the best parties. Everyone wanted to go to them. Coke and sex everywhere.

I shifted as my leg began to bounce.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Eddie asked, pushing my hair behind my ear. It felt wrong, but he’d literally jumped on a plane to come see me. Shouldn’t I try to be nice?

“Nothing. I just…” Just what? I didn’t know.

“I’ve missed you, did you know that?” Eddie continued on because he didn’t really care what was wrong with me anyway. “It broke my heart when you left.”

“I almost died. I went into rehab.” He made it sound like I just up and walked out.

“I know, and I was worried sick about you. I kept trying to get in contact with you, and all you did was ignore me. How do you think that made me feel? When my boyfriend almost died and then dropped me like I didn’t matter.”

That was kind of a dick move on my part. Eddie had done a lot for me, and we had been dating. I shouldn’t have dropped him cold turkey. I should have explained to him and—no!

“You know I love you, Cyrus. We were good together. No one else would understand your quirks and moodiness.”

He’d never understood it either, but then, he’d stayed with me, hadn’t he? That meant something.

“You love the way I set you free. The way I let you be my little slut without any judgment. I never judged you for any of the things that are wrong with you.”

He brushed the back of his hand along my cheek the way Crow had, but it felt different, made my skin crawl. He was already manipulating me, already trying to get inside my head, and it was working. It would be so easy to go back with Eddie. To let him take care of me, make me feel wanted, and feed me drugs so I could forget all the other shit.

“I brought you a present.”

He pulled his hand back and stuck it in his pocket. I already knew what it was before he pulled out the small baggie of white powder.

My whole body tensed up, need ballooning inside me. I didn’t feel unwanted when I did coke. I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t even feel depressed or any of the other things that always weighed me down.

I didn’t speak as Eddie opened the baggie and set it on the table. He tugged his kit out next, a small leather container with a mirror and a straw inside.

I licked my lips when he shook out a line on the mirror.

Fidgeted while I watched him suck it into his nose.

Sweat beaded along my skin.

My gut cramped.

I wanted it so fucking bad that I thought I would burst out of my skin.

He laid out another line. “Here you go, babe. I’ll help.”

I was trembling, my stomach cramping even harder with need. He held it out for me, but I swatted it out of his hand, making his kit and the white powder drop to the carpet.

“What the fuck, Cyrus!”

“I told you I’m clean now. I don’t want that shit.” Sweat dripped down my temples, my heart beating my chest like a prized boxer did a punching bag.

“Okay. If you don’t want it, you don’t have to have it.” He gave me that smile again that made me feel like spiders were crawling over my skin. “You just wanted me, huh? You missed me and how well I take care of you. You know no one will ever want you like I do. No one will ever understand you the way I do.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, but I didn’t kiss him back. “I flew all the way out here for you. Who else would do that? Who else would love you that much? You owe me something for how good I am to you. For all the things I’ve done for you.” He kissed me again, his hands smooth on my face.

This was wrong. This wasn’t what I’d wanted. “I told you, I just needed a friend.” Why hadn’t I gone to Melody? She’d given me her number, still talked to me every day at Tranquil Brew. She wanted to be my friend. But then, she didn’t really know me.

“You’re not the kinda guy men are just friends with, babe. And I hate to break it to you, but that’s not worth my flight out here.”

Anger reared up inside me, fierce and unexpected. I shoved Eddie away from me. It caught him off guard, and he tumbled off the couch, hitting the back of his head on the coffee table.

“You stupid motherfucker.” His pupils were huge, dilated with a fury I’d never seen in him before. He shoved to his feet, fist flying through the air, connecting with my face. Pain exploded where he’d hit me.

I was still sitting on the couch, my eye already swelling. Eddie stood over me, and I kicked up, connecting with his balls. He cried out and fell to the floor.

“What the fuck, Cyrus. You stupid fucking piece of shit. You’re nothing. Less than nothing.”

“Get out!” My whole body was shaking with rage, with hurt. “Get the fuck out of my apartment!”

When he didn’t move, I stood and began dragging him to the door. Eddie shoved me off him and got to his feet.

“You’ll never be anything without me. No one else will ever want you.” And then he stalked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

My face was aching, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to climb into bed and never get out. I needed to ice my eye, but instead I crawled to the door and locked it so Eddie couldn’t come back. Then I broke the mirror and the straw, burying them in the trash can. I got my vacuum out to get rid of any remnants of the coke so I wasn’t lying there trying to sniff my carpet.

I fell into bed, even lonelier than I had been before calling Eddie.