8. James

CHAPTER 8

JAMES

" J ames!" A little shriek fills the air and Alexa runs at me, her pigtails flying behind her.

Her little brother Manny follows, and a moment later the two rug rats are around my knees.

"What did you bring us?" Alexa demands.

Carlos, who has walked into the backyard right behind me, shakes his head. "Hey, now. James isn't your personal toy store."

I shake my head, trying not to smile. "Your dad is right. I'm not a personal toy store. However…" I reach into my pockets.

The kids shout with glee, knowing what's coming next.

I pull out two small bags of candy and hand one to each of them. They each grab a handful and run off to play.

"Thanks, James," Carlos says, clapping me on the back. "The kids love you."

I shrug, a little uncomfortable with the praise. "I love them too. They're good kids."

We take our beers and sit down at the picnic table, enjoying the warm evening. Carlos has invited me over for a barbecue, and I'm happy for the distraction. Work hasn't been its usual sanctuary this last week, and I've been feeling oddly ungrounded.

The sliding door opens, and Carlos's wife Jen comes out. "Hey, you." She puts a dish of watermelon on the table.

"Hey." I get up and she pulls me into a hug.

I've never been much of a hugger, but with some people it's not optional. And, even if I won't admit it, I like getting hugs at this house.

Hell, I like everything about this house. The sounds of laughter and the smell of cooking meat fill the air, and I feel at peace. It's been a long time since I've felt like this, and it's all thanks to Carlos and his family.

"What can I help with?" I ask Jen.

"Nothing," she says. "Everything is done. We're just waiting for the burgers to cook."

Carlos opens up the grill and flips said burgers over. "What's new with you?"

"Nothing much." Immediately, a picture of Billie flashes up in my mind.

Which is weird. We have new employees all the time. There's nothing special about her.

Aside from her beauty.

And her brains.

And her creativity.

"…real nice woman," Jen is saying.

I pull myself away from my thoughts, feeling ashamed for getting so distracted.

"I think you'd really like my friend Flo." Jen picks up a few toys from the patio and tosses them into the toy bin. "She's single, too."

"Oh." I could go on a date with her friend. Sure. Why not?

I went on three dates last week — with three different women. They were all… okay.

Fine. They were boring. The women didn't do it for me, and I don't get why. They were all gorgeous and eager to please me.

Maybe too eager. Maybe I'm craving time with someone who isn't tripping over themselves to lay out a red carpet for me. Someone like…

"No way," Carlos says. "You're not setting Flo up with James. She's too nice. He'll crush her to pieces." He looks at me. "Sorry man, but it's true."

Usually I appreciate his blunt honesty. Today, though, it's bothering me.

People have called me even worse things than an asshole before, and I've always just shrugged the comments off.

But what if they're true?

"Remember that girl last year." Carlos snaps his fingers. "The one with red hair. What was her name?"

I try to focus on Carlos's question instead of my own insecurities. "Lila?" I suggest.

"That's the one." Carlos nods. "What happened to her?"

"She moved away," Jen says.

"No, I mean, what happened between you two?" Carlos cocks an eyebrow at me. "I thought for sure you two were going to be a thing."

I know what Carlos means. Lila and I had a connection that was hard to ignore. We laughed at the same jokes and had similar taste in movies. But then, one day, I started feeling like I was being boxed in. Like I couldn't breathe.

I stopped returning her calls, and that was that.

"I don't know," I lie. "It didn't work out."

"Too bad," Jen says. "She was really sweet."

I push Lila out of my mind and try to focus on the present. "So, about Flo…"

Carlos laughs. "Nice try, buddy. Find your own date."

I grin, but inside I'm feeling more and more unsure about what I want. Maybe I do need to find my own date. Someone who challenges me instead of pandering to my every whim.

"I'm going to mix up the lemonade," Jen announces, before heading inside.

The sound of cartoons fills the air. Alexa and Manny are inside now, watching TV. Which leaves Carlos and I alone on the patio.

"So, how's work?" he asks, taking a sip of his beer.

I take a swig of my own beer before answering. "Work is work. Same old, same old. How's the T-shirt business?"

"It's been good, man." Carlos leans back in his chair, a satisfied smile on his face. "We're really starting to pick up some steam now the new location is open. And I've got a big order coming in next week."

"That's great, Carlos. I'm happy for you." I genuinely am. Carlos has come a long way since our group-home days.

There was a time when the two of us were nothing but troubled teens without families, just trying to get by in the world. It's good to see him succeeding.

"What are you working on?" he asks.

I hesitate for a moment before answering. I usually love talking about work, but lately I've been trying to get it off my mind.

"This app for a new plant care company," I say. "And other things too, but that one I'm working on personally."

"It's not going well?"

I eye him. "Why do you say that?"

He shrugs. "When you talk about it you look… I dunno… upset."

I swallow against a lump in my throat. "There's this new employee."

Carlos leans forward, interested. "New employee?"

I nod. "Yeah. Her name is Billie. She's just… she's been making things difficult. I don't know if I can work with her."

"What's the problem?"

"It's hard to explain," I say, leaning back in my chair. "She's just… she's always questioning everything I do. Like, I'm the one in charge, but she acts like she knows better than me. It's frustrating. But she's also smart. We've ended up using more than a few of her ideas."

Carlos laughs so hard he spits out beer.

"What?" I demand.

He's still laughing. "Your ego a little bruised, bro?"

I frown at him. "No, it's not that. It's just… I don't know how to handle her. I've never had someone challenge me like this before."

Carlos leans back in his chair, a serious look on his face. "Look, man. You're a smart guy. But sometimes you need someone to question your ideas. It makes them stronger. Maybe it's good that she's pushing back on you."

I consider his words. Maybe he's right. Maybe this is exactly what I need. "You think so?" I ask.

He nods. "Trust me. I've been in business for a while now. You can't always surround yourself with yes-men. It'll only hurt you in the long run. There's more than that, though, isn't there?"

"What do you mean?" I pick at my beer bottle's label.

"All the things you listed about this woman are positives." He smirks at me. "I think she gets under your skin because you like her."

"What?" To my embarrassment, my voice pitches. "No I don't."

Carlos raises an eyebrow. "Come on, man. I know you. You always get flustered around pretty girls."

I scowl at him, but I know he's right. Billie is pretty — confident, with dark hair that falls in sharp angles around her face. She has a sharp wit too, and is a breath of fresh air at the company. I can't deny that I'm drawn to her, even as she challenges me at every turn. It's frustrating as hell.

"I don't know what to do," I admit. "It's like every time I talk to her, I either want to strangle her or kiss her."

Carlos laughs again. "Ah, the classic love-hate dynamic. How old are we again?"

I chuckle despite myself. "Shut up."

"But seriously," he says, leaning forward again. "Have you talked to her about it? Told her how you feel?"

I shake my head. "No. And I don't date my employees. I'm not that stupid."

"What if she didn't work for you? Just out of curiosity."

I suck in a breath.

"Let me guess." Carlos looks up at the sky. "You'd bed her once or twice and then move on, and then try to tell yourself your feelings for her mean nothing."

I scowl at him.

"James." He gives me a serious look. "It's okay to be afraid to get close to someone. After the way we grew up…"

He trails off, and my throat tightens.

"You did well for yourself, though," I say. "You have a wonderful family."

"Yeah." He studies my face. "Don't you want that?"

"I…" The lump in my throat only gets bigger.

I'd really like to change the subject.

Luckily, right then the kids burst through the sliding glass door and onto the patio. Manny and Alex are little tornadoes disguised as humans. They catapult past us, knocking over a lawn chair in the process.

"We wanna play in the hose!" Manny yells.

Carlos grins and stands up. "Go ahead, guys. Just don't get the adults wet, okay?"

They nod eagerly and run off towards the hose, giggling and screaming. I watch them go, feeling a sense of warmth in my chest.

"Hope I didn't chew you out too hard," Carlos says.

I shake my head. "No, it's fine. I needed someone to talk to about this."

"I get it. It's tough when you don't really know what you want or how to get it."

"Yeah," I say, staring down at the label on my beer bottle once again. "I just wish things were simpler sometimes."

"Me too, man," Carlos says, clapping me on the back. "But life isn't like that. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and see where it takes you."

I nod, but I don't feel any different. I have no issues taking risks when it comes to business. Without that tenacity I wouldn't be where I am today.

When it comes to something like this, though, it's a different story.

Am I really just a serial dater who breaks hearts? The thought doesn't sit well with me. Maybe it's time to take a step back and reevaluate my priorities. Maybe it's time to figure out what I really want in life.

But then again, Billie keeps popping up in my mind. It's like I can't escape her, even when I try. And when I do think about her, my heart beats just a little bit faster.

I take a swig of my beer, trying to push the thoughts away. But once something is in my head it takes up permanent residence.

Maybe Carlos is right. Maybe I am a serial dater. Maybe I just go out with women for the sake of it, not because I'm genuinely interested in them.

I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship, and if I keep going down this path, I'll just hurt more people.

But that doesn't mean I don't crave companionship. I want someone to talk to, someone to share my life with. But not someone who will just fall in love with me because of my job or my looks.

I look up and meet Carlos's gaze. There's a softness in his eyes that catches me off guard. "You okay?" he asks.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" he says, his voice gentle.

I manage a small smile. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, man."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, the sound of the kids playing in the background. The sun is setting, casting a warm orange glow on everything around us. It's a beautiful evening, and I'm in one of my favorite places with my favorite people.

Why is it, then, that I feel so empty?