25. James

CHAPTER 25

JAMES

B illie looks just as surprised to see me as I am her. I thought that I had at least five more minutes to figure out my speech before I arrived at her apartment.

But here she is, sitting on a bench in a sunny yard, looking at me like I'm a ghost.

"What… what are you doing here?" she finally asks.

I inhale deeply, but it still feels like it's not enough air. "I was actually walking to your place. To, uh, to talk to you. I know I could have called, but it just… it didn't feel right. I wanted to talk to you in person."

My pulse is racing, and I feel lightheaded. I don't think I've ever felt this nervous in my life.

Billie looks like she's about to say something, but then she shakes her head, her expression unreadable.

"Okay," she finally says.

Okay? That's all?

And yet, I know I shouldn't expect anything else. I'm the one who screwed up here.

"I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear," I begin. "But I've been thinking about you constantly. And I know I screwed up. And I'm sorry."

Billie's eyes remain fixed on me, but I can't decipher if she's moved by my words or simply waiting for me to leave. My heart pounds in my chest, and I find myself wishing that I could go back in time and fix everything I broke.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say," Billie finally responds, breaking the silence. "I've been trying to move on from everything that happened, and now you're just showing up out of the blue. You told me to leave you alone, so I've left you alone."

"I know," I reply, my voice heavy with regret. "And I'm sorry for that. But I had to see you. I had to tell you how I feel."

"How do you feel?" she asks, her expression guarded.

"Like I've made the biggest mistake of my life," I say, my voice trembling. "I let my anger and bitterness consume me, and I lost sight of what really mattered."

I struggle to find the right words. Usually I'm eloquent, but Billie has a way of turning me into a bumbling fool.

"When you told me about Sara and Quinn, my first response was to blame everyone. You. Sara. I was furious you two kept my daughter from me. But then I realized that I'm the one at fault. I was awful to Sara. Of course she didn't want me to be in Quinn's life."

I lick my lips, needing to get this out. "And I'm sorry I took that anger out on you, too. I shouldn't have left you alone to deal with it all by yourself."

Billie looks at me with a mix of emotions — anger, sadness, and maybe even a little bit of hope.

"You don't have to say anything," I tell her. "I just want you to know that I take responsibility for how everything has gone down. If I were you, I would have done the same thing. I would have kept Quinn's existence a secret."

Billie's eyes soften as she listens to my apology. I can see her walls starting to come down, and I cling to that hope. I know that I've hurt her deeply, but I'm determined to make things right.

"Thank you for saying that," she finally responds, her voice quiet. "It's not easy to admit when you're wrong."

"I know," I say, nodding. "But I am. And I want to make things right, if you'll let me. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm worthy of being a part of Quinn's life."

"Good," Billie says, a small smile playing on her lips. "But it's not just about proving yourself to me. Quinn has been through a lot, and the last thing she needs is instability."

"I know," I say, determination coursing through me. "I just want to be there for her. To be the father she deserves."

Billie looks at me for a long moment, studying me as if she's trying to read my soul. Finally, she nods.

"Okay," she says. "We can take it one step at a time, but it's not going to be easy. You're going to have to work hard to gain Quinn's trust."

"I will," I promise her. "I'm ready."

I approach the bench slowly and get down on one knee in front of Billie. Her eyes widen and her breath hitches in her throat.

"There's more," I whisper.

"What?" Her voice is barely audible.

"Billie…" I search her eyes. "I'm incredibly in love with you."

Her eyes widen in surprise. For a moment, neither of us says anything as the weight of my confession hangs in the air between us. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, and I wonder if I've made a mistake by saying too much too soon.

Still. There's no going back. I've already put the truth out there.

Might as well keep rolling with it.

"I realized that all I've ever really wanted is a family," I say, "but I've pushed people away because I've been afraid of it not working out. I've been afraid that I'll end up in the same situation I was in as a kid. Alone. Moving to yet another foster home."

Billie stares at me with a mix of surprise and confusion. "I don't know what to say," she murmurs, her voice trembling slightly. "I had no idea that you felt this way."

"I know," I reply softly. "And I don't expect you to feel the same way right away. I just wanted to be honest with you about how I feel. I want this to work, Billie. I want us to be a family. To be there for Quinn together. If you don't want that, I understand. I hope you'll still allow me to be a part of her life."

I wait for what seems like an eternity for Billie to respond. Her eyes are still locked on mine, but I can see her mind working behind them. Finally, she takes a deep breath and speaks.

"You have no idea about how crazy I am for you, do you?"

I feel my heart skip a beat. Did I hear her right?

"I…I didn't know," I blurt out, unable to contain my surprise and joy.

Billie lets out a small chuckle and reaches out to place her hand on my cheek. "Well, now you do," she says, her voice filled with affection. "I've been trying to fight it for a long time, but I can't deny it anymore. I love you too."

I feel tears prick at the corners of my eyes. This is everything I've ever wanted. A family. Love. Stability.

I lean in and press my lips to hers, pouring all of my emotions into the kiss. I can feel her responding, her arms wrapping around me as we deepen the kiss.

Finally, we pull apart, both of us gasping for air.

"I'm sorry for springing all of this on you," I say, looking into her eyes. "I just couldn't keep it in any longer."

"I'm glad you did," Billie replies, a smile spreading across her face. "I couldn't stop thinking about you. I didn't…" She shakes her head, tears filling her eyes. "I didn't know how I would go on."

I brush my thumb across her cheek. "Please don't go on without me."

"I won't," she whispers. "I can't imagine being with anyone else."

We embrace each other tightly, our bodies molded together in a moment of pure joy. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, and we can finally be the family I've always wanted.

"I love you, Billie," I whisper into her ear.

"I love you too," she replies, her voice filled with emotion.

"Mommy?" a little voice says.

We both turn our heads to see a little girl standing in the grass. She blinks her big blue eyes and studies me with curiosity.

I freeze. This is her. This is Quinn.

Sara's daughter.

Billie's daughter.

My daughter.

I freeze, not knowing what to say. I'm giving the reins to Billie, waiting for her to take the lead.

Billie gently disentangles herself from me and reaches out to take Quinn's hand.

"Quinn, this is James."

I swallow against the knot of emotion in my throat. "Hello, Quinn."

"Hi," she says in a small, shy way.

"Remember the other day, when you asked about your father?" Billie asks.

Quinn nods her head, her eyes still locked onto mine.

"Sweetheart, this is your daddy," Billie says softly.

Quinn's eyes light up and she looks up at me with a mixture of curiosity and awe.

"Daddy?" she says, the word sounding strange and new on her lips.

I crouch down to her level and nod. "Yes, baby girl. I'm your daddy."

She takes a step closer to me, her small hand reaching out to touch my face. Immediately, I feel my heart swell with love for this little person.

"I've been waiting for you," she says, her voice filled with wonder.

Tears fill my eyes as I gather her into my arms, holding her close.

"I've been waiting for you too," I whisper into her hair, not knowing until this moment that those words have always been true.