17. Billie

CHAPTER 17

BILLIE

I awake with a start, sitting up straight in bed. "What time is it?" I gasp.

But James is nowhere to be seen. I'm alone in our room.

The alarm clock on the bedside table reads a few past eight. Okay, not too bad.

Yet I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Staying up all night does not agree with me.

At least there was a cherry on top.

I bite my lip, memories of being with James flooding my vision.

I can't believe that actually happened, that I let myself go with him. I never let myself go with anyone.

I've been cautious my whole life, but with James, I didn't care. He makes me feel wonderful, and I don't care what happens next.

Which is bad. Very bad.

What if things with James and I progress? What if we start dating?

For how long am I going to keep the secret about Quinn from him?

I shake my head. "What am I thinking?" I mutter.

I have more sympathy for him after hearing his story, but James is still the man who ran out on Quinn.

Getting out of bed, I hurry into the bathroom and jump into the shower. The cold spray soothes my headache.

As I'm turning off the shower, I hear a door close. I walk into the bedroom with a towel around myself, water dripping from my hair and body.

James is fully dressed and in the middle of putting on his watch. At the sight of me, his face lights up.

And my heart flips.

Oh, no.

I thought my head and my heart were at war before, but I really had no clue. How will I ever get over this guy?

"Good morning." He crosses the room, pulls me into his arms, and kisses me recklessly.

My head has no idea what to do. My heart is singing.

When he pulls back, I'm breathless, lips parted. "Good morning."

"I ordered you breakfast. The presentation isn't for a little while, but I need to head downstairs and schmooze with early crowd. I hope you understand."

I nod, my tongue feeling heavy. I need to tell him about Quinn.

I need to see what he says. I need his explanation for why he abandoned her and her birth mom.

But I can't. The words are stuck in my throat.

"I have to go." He gives me a regretful look. "I'm sorry."

"But…" I start to speak.

"I'll see you down there." He runs his fingers through my damp hair.

"Okay." I lean into him, taking comfort in his strong arms.

I don't want to let him go.

James disappears through the door, leaving me alone in the room. I have to move. I have to do my hair and get dressed.

I have to get my head together.

I don't know what's wrong with me. My head is spinning.

I'm in love with James. What am I doing?

And this isn't just any sort of love. It's the forever kind, the kind that doesn't go away.

"I don't want a forever love. Not with him." I put my clothes on slowly, thinking about what my next move should be.

James is Quinn's father, after all. I have to tell him what's happened, and then he'll tell me about his side of the story.

I will listen to what he has to say, but I don't know if I'll believe it.

It's icky and wrong that he abandoned her. But I can't help but admire him for turning his life around.

Maybe he's different than he was six years ago.

Or maybe not.

Frustrated, I pull out my phone and call Monica. I'm not even thinking about what time it is back home, and realizing that I almost hang up.

But then a second later she answers.

"Hey. What's going on?"

"I slept with him," I blurt out, then shut my eyes tight with shame.

"What?!"

"No, it's not like that. I mean, it was like that, but it was more than that too." I realize how crazy I must sound.

"So did you have sex with him, or did you not?"

"I did." Moaning, I fall against the sheets.

The sheets that smell like James. The sheets that make me want him all over again.

"Oh my God, Billie," Monica breathes. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I'm in love with him." I bite my lip, both hating and loving the fact.

"What?! How?"

I can hear the judgment in her voice, and it's not helping my displeasure with myself any.

"I don't know. I just am. And I think he's in love with me too." I sit up on the bed, feeling miserable. "Maybe."

"Good God, Billie. This is crazy."

"I know. I'm being so stupid."

"No, you're not being stupid. If you feel this way about him, there must be something special about the guy."

For a second, I think maybe I've misheard. "You told me to remember that he's the enemy."

"Yeah, I did. But, also, you've barely spoken to men since I met you. If you're all gaga for James, there must be a good reason."

I groan. "I know. I want him to be a good guy. I really do. I'm just so confused."

"About what, exactly? Just ask him about Quinn."

"I plan on it. He had to run downstairs to get to the conference, but I will. As soon as I see him."

My stomach twists at the thought. I'm afraid that telling him will mean losing him, but if he walks out on my daughter twice he's definitely not someone I want in my life.

"What about the medical information?" Monica prods. "Have you found out anything?"

"James grew up in foster care. He doesn't have any information about his family."

"Damn," she hisses.

"It's a lot to process." I sigh. "And I really, really have to tell him about Quinn. I have to tell him, but I don't think he'll believe me."

"He will."

"He wouldn't even acknowledge her existence before."

"He'll listen now."

I shake my head, but I'm a little more hopeful after talking to Monica.

"You'll get through this, Billie. I know you will."

"Thanks for listening."

"It's what I'm here for." She pauses. "Listen, I'm about to go into a meeting, but let me know how it goes with him."

"I will. Bye."

I hang up, feeling slightly better. Standing up, I face myself in the mirror.

"You can do this," I say, smoothing my blouse.

I'll come clean about why I applied to the GarrisTech job. I'll find out how James feels about Quinn now.

And then, whatever the outcome is, I'll accept it.

I just might not like it.