12. Billie

CHAPTER 12

BILLIE

" W hat about this one?" From my dresser drawer, Monica pulls out a bikini that still has the tags on it.

Even looking at it makes me blush. Red with white tassels, it's about as tiny as bikinis can be.

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking when I bought it. I never wear things that revealing. I must have been drunk on the thought of being the kind of woman who can proudly rock something like that.

"That's not exactly appropriate for a work trip with my boss." I fold up some T-shirts and put them in my suitcase.

Monica rolls her eyes. "Come on, live a little. You're going to Hawaii! And James will probably be working anyway. It's not like he'll be at the beach with you, right?"

"I don't know…" I hesitate, feeling anxious at the thought of it.

Monica comes over and sits next to me on the bed. "Billie, listen to me. You're beautiful, and you deserve to feel confident and sexy. You don't have to wear this bikini if you don't want to, but don't let your insecurities hold you back from having an amazing time. Who knows, maybe wearing something like this will give you the confidence boost you need."

I bite my lip, considering her words. She's right, of course. I shouldn't be so afraid of showing a little skin. It's not like I'm going to be walking around in public wearing it.

"Fine," I finally say, grabbing the bikini from her. "I'll try it on."

Monica grins, thrilled that she's convinced me. I head to the bathroom to change, feeling a little nervous but excited at the same time. As I slip into the bikini, I can't help but admire how it looks on me. The tassels swish back and forth as I move, and I feel like I could conquer the world in this thing.

I open the bathroom door and step out, feeling self-conscious at first. But Monica's eyes widen in approval, and I can tell from the way she's looking at me that I look good.

"Damn, girl. You look smoking hot." She gives me a high five, and I can't help but feel a little giddy.

Maybe this trip will be exactly what I need to break out of my shell and embrace my inner confidence. And who knows, maybe James will take notice too…

Wait. No. Did I just think that?

"What?" Monica asks. "You're red all over."

"No, I'm not." I touch my cheeks.

"Are you…" Her jaw drops. "Oh my God. You're hot for James Garris, aren't you?"

Shit. How can she tell?

"No!" I shriek.

But her eyes are bugged, and she's looking at me in that awful, judgmental way. Monica has a sixth sense when it comes to things like this, and I know I'm busted.

"Billie," she says, "he's the enemy."

I feel my face heat up even more, embarrassed that she's caught me in my stupid crush. "I know, I know," I mutter.

"I get that he's hot. Who wouldn't be into that, right?" She studies me. "But he's your daughter's—"

My bedroom door flies open and Quinn bursts into the room. Launching herself on the bed, she bounces up and down.

"I want to go to Hawaii!" She stops bouncing and stares me down with mournful eyes.

My heart nearly cracks in two, but no way am I breaking. "We've been over this. You have school."

Quinn pouts. "But everyone else gets to go on vacation. Why can't I?"

"Because school is important, Quinn," I say firmly. "You'll have plenty of opportunities to travel when you're older."

"But I don't want to wait!" she whines.

I sigh, feeling guilty.

James did offer to hire a nanny for her, and it's not like missing a week of first grade will derail her education.

But it's James.

She can't be around him. She just can't.

I don't know what seeing the two of them together would do for me, but I know it wouldn't be good. I might get so angry that I'd just come out and tell James the truth.

And then he would fire me. And maybe get a restraining order against me too.

I'd never get a chance to learn what I need.

"Look," I say, kneeling in front of Quinn. "I'll bring you something special back. How about that?"

Quinn's face lights up, and she throws her arms around my neck. "Okay!"

I hug her back tightly, feeling the weight of my decision. It's hard being a single mom, making tough choices and feeling like you're letting your child down. But I have to do this. For Quinn and for myself.

"I finished my reading," she says sweetly. "Can I have screen time now?"

"Yes. You go out and…"

But she's already gone, barreling out of the room even faster than she came in.

Monica gently closes the door behind her, and a couple seconds later we hear cartoons from the living room.

"Thank you for staying here with her while I'm gone," I tell her packing, hoping we can move on from the conversation about James.

Evidently she's not done with it yet, though.

"Is it more than how hot he is?" she asks. "Is there another reason you're into him?"

"No," I say automatically, then pause. "Well… he is brilliant… and so creative."

"And evil." She folds her arms and studies me. "Are you okay, Billie? A couple weeks ago you had so much hatred for this guy. He basically abandoned Quinn."

"I know." I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at my hands. "Whenever I remember that, I hate him all over again."

The mattress sags as Monica sits next to me. "That sounds stressful."

"It is," I admit, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes. "I just want to do right by Quinn. But every time I think about James, I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. I hate feeling this way."

Monica puts a comforting arm around me. "It's okay to feel angry and confused. But you don't have to keep it all bottled up, you know?"

I nod, grateful for her support. "I just wish it was easier. I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this."

"I know," Monica murmurs. "But sometimes the things that are the hardest are the things that are the most worth it."

I lean my head against her shoulder, feeling a sense of peace wash over me. Maybe she's right. Maybe this is just a bump in the road. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

But for now, I need to focus on the task at hand. Hawaii could be the opportunity I need. Maybe James will be drinking. Maybe he will drop his guard and I can go through his wallet or phone. Find some info on his family. Take those names and looks them up.

Or maybe he'll talk more. Stop deflecting my questions.

"You do look really hot in that," Monica says. "Maybe you'll meet another guy on the island."

I shake my head and laugh. "I doubt it. I'm not really in the mood for anything like that."

Monica grins. "Well, you never know. Hawaii can be a magical place. It's where I lost my virginity."

"I didn't know that!" I bump my shoulder against hers.

"Yep. Maybe it will happen for you too." She grins wickedly.

"Ha-ha. Very funny."

Inevitably, the mention of virginity makes me think about James. Being with him would probably be nothing like my first time was.

It would be wild and passionate, with an intensity that would leave me breathless.

I can't deny that the thought of being with him sends shivers down my spine.

But I can't let myself get lost in those fantasies. I have a job to do, a mission to complete.

I stand up, feeling a renewed sense of purpose. "I should finish packing," I say. "We have an early flight tomorrow."

Monica nods, giving me a knowing look. "Don't worry, girl. You're gonna have some fun in Hawaii. And once you quit that job you'll forget all about James."

But I know that's not true. James is already living rent-free in my head. And as much as I hate to admit it, I can't wait to see him again.