Fourteen

It turned out that my sister had met someone else – someone at work. Daniel, his name was – it had ‘just happened’.

Luke said she’d been ‘different’ for the last eight months or so, though I knew things had been different between them since before that. Since the baby, I think. Though deep down I wondered (and feared) if maybe they’d been different since I came along.

A few months ago, he’d seen a message on her phone and confronted her, and it had all come tumbling out. I could tell he was devastated. A gloominess in him that had never been there before, like a light had gone out.

I should have been sitting there while my sister explained this to me, but Luke and I had always been closer, so I listened as he explained how she would be moving out, away from Jersey, in fact, in the next couple of weeks.

I felt such a rush of betrayal and hatred for her that I wasn’t sure how I was ever going to look her in the face again.

“I think the baby changed things for us,” he went on, sadly. “I wanted the baby more than she did, and then when she had to go through that, I think she blamed me a little for it.”

“It wasn’t your fault. These things happen.”

“Yeah, I know. I think logically she knows that too, but we feel how we feel. We can’t logic our way out of feelings, you know?”

I thought it might be one of the most astute things he’d ever said.

“Does she know you’re telling me?”

He shrugged. “I told her I would be, as soon as you were home,” he said. “I didn’t want to do it over the phone. Not with your exams on.”

I sagged with gratitude.

“How come she’s still there,” I asked. “How can you even look at her?” I knew I was being extremely biased, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. I felt as betrayed as Luke did.

“I’ve been sleeping in your room,” he said. “Been on the couch the last few nights.”

“Christ, Luke.” I sighed and sat back, folding my arms. “Right, well, that’s not happening again; I’ll take the couch.” Nathan would be arriving on Monday anyway, so I could stay there.

“Don’t be stupid. It’s alright.” He reached out and squeezed my arm gently. “It’s not for much longer.”

“Actually, it works out okay because on Monday I’ve a friend coming over. He’s renting somewhere in Filquet, so I can stay there with him.” I wasn’t sure what tone I was using, but it was enough to prick Luke’s curiosity. His expression lightened a little, and a small smile peeked at the side of his mouth. I felt my cheeks and ears grow warm.

“A friend, is it?”

I tried to keep my face neutral. “Yeah, from Oxford.”

Luke nodded, still smiling.

“Okay, so he’s like a guy I’ve been sort of seeing.”

Luke’s eyes went wide, and he nodded again.

“Christ, okay, he was sort of my professor.”

This made him sit up straight, eyes darkening.

“I promise it wasn’t anything weird, okay maybe it’s a little weird, but he’s young, older than me but still young; he’s twenty-eight. He’s like a guest professor. They have these slots each academic year where they invite people in to teach certain subjects. Last year, we had that historian from the telly in; she does all those shows about the Tudors. Well, he was like that. So not like a real professor.”

I was rambling. Luke was still frowning.

“I swear, Luke, he’s great. He is. And he’s not teaching there this year. He’s going back to New York in September. But we’ve been careful, and he’s really great; I promise he’s not like some weirdo pervert or anything,” I explained.

Luke considered all this for an uncomfortably long time before he said, “So, what happens then? In September? He’s just buggering off back to America and leaving you?”

I had not prepared for this line of questioning, so I had nothing right away. I stammered a little before saying, “I’ll visit.”

Nathan and I hadn’t discussed anything of the sort. Which only then struck me as a little odd. Had we both already defined this as some sort of summer fling? Was that what I wanted it to be? I’d not thought beyond this point with him. Maybe that’s why it had been going as well as it had.

“Hmmm.” The noise was Luke’s trademark sign of disapproval, and my heart sank a little. “Well, I’m not sure about all this guest professor stuff, seems like a professor is a professor and a student is a student and so he should have known better if you ask me.”

I was immediately on the attack.

“Oh, for fuck sake, Luke, I’m a bloody adult. It’s not like I’m Cas shagging a thirty-two-year-old lawyer when I was fifteen.”

Luke’s back went ramrod straight. “What?”

“Oh, come on, you didn’t think he’d run off with a guy he’d just met, did you?”

“I didn’t give it all that much thought. Never met the fella he’s with. You’re saying he was how old?” Luke’s face had gone very pale. “When Cas was...you’re sure?”

I gave him a look. “Extremely.”

Luke curled his fist atop the table, eyes black as pitch suddenly. He took an angry sip of his pint. “Does Gideon know this?”

I gave a helpless shrug. Then sighed. “Anyway, this isn’t about Cas, and Nathan isn’t Blackwell. He’s the furthest thing from it, Luke. I promise.”

Luke stared at me for a long time. “Okay, Judey,” he said at last. “If you know what you’re doing, then I’m alright with it.” His mouth softened, not all the way to a smile, but away from the hard grim line of a moment earlier. “You seem happier, buddy.”

I smiled. “I am.”

But then, I remembered. My smile fell.

“I actually don’t know how I’m supposed to look at her, Luke.”

He reached out to squeeze my arm again. “Hey, she’s your sister, and she’s been through the mill of it too.” He lifted his pint and drained the last of it. “I don’t want you to hate her on my behalf. Christ, I don’t hate her, Judey. I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, you know? It’s been pretty lonely these last couple years with you gone and Beth being, well, so far away too. Now I’ve lost her. I’m just not sure who I am without her, kinda scary being single again. Jeez.”

I felt an enormous swell of guilt about that then. About running away at the first chance I got. About staying away at every opportunity after. But it had been necessary. I’d known no other way to cope.

“Sorry,” I said anyway.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” Luke said.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry for not being around when you’ve been going through this.” I took a sip of my lager.

“You’ve been off living your life. Getting a degree at Oxford. Shagging your professors.”

I coughed out my beer. It landed over both of us. Luke was grinning – almost happily – as he wiped it off his arm.

The following morning, Luke was out, working somewhere on the grounds, and Beth was in the kitchen making breakfast when I walked in. I hesitated, thinking about turning around and going back upstairs. But she’d heard me come in and turned to look at me.

I took a moment to just look at her: she looked better than I’d seen her look in a long time. Well-rested and tanned, her hair in long healthy waves down her back. I hated her a little more for it.

The look she gave me seemed to contain multitudes.

“He told you then,” she said with a sigh.

Without a word I walked across the kitchen to pull out a mug, and began to fill the kettle. I set it onto boil and stood at the kitchen sink, my back to her as I looked out the window.

“Jude. Please look at me.”

I wasn’t sure I could. My knuckles were white, and my jaw clenched so hard it ached.

“I’m your sister,” she said. I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I turned around.

“Yeah, and Luke’s your husband. What’s your point?” I said harshly.

“These things just happen, Jude. It’s no one’s fault.”

“Well, it’s certainly not Luke’s fault. You let this happen, Beth. Luke loves you, adores you. Luke is the best fucking man I know, that most people know, so it is someone’s fault – but not his!”

She smiled. A sad, twisted thing I didn’t like at all. “Christ, he’s just bloody perfect, isn’t he? You’ve never seen him as anything else.”

“So, what you’re going to try and convince me you running off with someone else is somehow his fault?” I asked her, incredulous.

“No, no, of course, not. But I think if you meet Dan, you’ll like him.” She smiled hopefully.

I blinked at her, dumbfounded. “Seriously? You must be off your bloody head if you think that’s ever going to happen.” I turned back to making my tea. She was quiet while I did it. While I poured myself some cereal, while I dragged out the kitchen chair and threw myself down into it. I ate a few angry spoonfuls while she finished slicing fruit behind me. To my surprise, she pulled out a chair and sat across from me. I wanted to get up and leave the room, but I was as stubborn as she was. I didn’t look at her.

It didn’t matter that Luke didn’t want me to hate her on his behalf because I hated her on my own. The gap that had closed a little after she lost the baby rumbled open again. I was glad she was moving off the island. Glad I wouldn’t have to see her make a new life with a man who wasn’t Luke. Luke, who was as close to perfect as a man could be. Luke, who was too good for my sister.

Luke was the one who’d been there for me and now I’d be there for him. Beth would be like every other family member I never saw. I could see her pleading eyes skirt to mine every now and again, but I ignored them.

I finished my cereal without uttering a single word to her, lifted my bowl, put it in the dishwasher, and walked out of the kitchen.