Chapter Six

Airplane

I don't like to fly. Our parents planned a week-long vacation in Yellowstone National Park the summer after my freshman year of high school, and I had only been on a plane once before that. I was ten. I remember getting sick and screaming, my dad's hand glued to my mouth, a very frustrated flight attendant demanding that I be quiet.

We didn't fly after that for obvious reasons.

On this flight to Yellowstone, I sat in the middle seat, beside a stranger and Gracie. My parents told the Harrisons the hilarious story of the last time they took me on a plane, but I was too scared to pitch in a word. I sat in the airport pretending to read a book, blankly staring at the page. I didn't speak when I walked down the tunnel or the aisle to my seat. I felt cold and sweaty.

"Gracie," I faintly heard someone call. "Switch seats with me."

I felt my sister's presence disappear, replaced with someone large and warm.

Tucker stuck one of his earbuds in my right ear. He had the other in his left. He played some music, I don't remember what it was, but know I'd heard it played in Johnny's room before. I focused on the tray table in front of me as the plane began to move. I white-knuckled the armrest, and my breathing quickened.

My dad twisted in his seat. He leaned his head to peer down at me. "You all right, Ell?" His eyes shifted and he smiled. "Atta boy, Tuck."

He sat back down, and the plane started down the runway. I didn't know what I was more afraid of - the actual process of flying or what kind of reaction I might have. I didn't want to cause a scene. I told myself repeatedly, calm down calm down calm down, until I felt Tucker's hand cover mine. My muscles tensed when he lifted the armrest between us.

He wrapped his left arm around my body and cocooned me into his side. My hands were fists, my head so tightly pressed into his shoulder that I assume it bruised. He took my left hand and held it, tying our fingers together, pressing our palms flush. I gripped his forearm with my other hand. I pulled him closer, holding our clasped hands against my stomach.

I needed to feel grounded. I pushed into him like he was the Earth.

At that point in our relationship, he had never touched me before. He never hugged me or grabbed my hand. If we ever accidentally brushed shoulders, we'd split apart like a hand to fire. We were only physical when I fought with him, but he never touched me back. I would push him or slap him or elbow him, but never once returned the gesture. He'd just sit there and take it, trying to hold me off, laughing.

Listening to music and sinking into him as the plane rose into the sky, I remember wondering how he knew to comfort me. How he knew I wouldn't push him away. We were fifteen, and he had one hand on my waist, the other holding mine. It was intimate. No one could ever know he did this. We did this.

On that flight, I stayed like that for a very long time. At least until my breathing steadied. I finally relaxed in my seat, untangling my body from his, still listening to his music, and we never said a word to each other.

On the flight home, Gracie took her seat beside me. I sat up, noticing Tucker beside his step-brother Steven several rows ahead of me. I begged Gracie, "Switch seats with Tucker."

"Why?" She narrowed her eyes. "Are you guys dating now?"

"Ew. No ."

"What was with all of those bear hunts you two went off on?"

"We were l ooking for bears ."

"Why would you want to find a bear?"

I threw my hands in the air. "To find a bear!" I unclipped her seatbelt. "Hurry, before it's too late."

"Oh my God," she griped, re-buckling herself.

I took a beat. "He's sitting next to Steve."

She liked Steven. I could tell. Gracie's eyebrow raised. "Ugh, fine."

As she stood up, I grabbed her. "Don't tell him that I, like, asked you to do this."

"What?"

"I don't want him to think that I want to sit with him."

"But you do."

"But don't tell him that!"

She rolled her eyes and walked away, and I was hit with a rush of embarrassment. I could imagine her over there saying, " Ella's obsessed with you and wants to sit with you because she's probably in love with you or something."

He'd immediately say no and run home and tell Johnny and my life would be absolutely ruined. I covered my face in my hands and turned toward the window.

The seat beside me moved.

"Hey," Tucker said.

I removed my hands to see him holding out one of his earbuds. I took it. He offered me a piece of gum. I took it. The plane started to move, and he lifted the armrest between us.