Chapter Thirty-Four

Today

It floods back to me in little bits. I tell Johnny, "I remember. Kind of."

I remember the conversation in pieces, the feeling I got when I told Tucker I loved him, and he said it back. It's never been a game to me. I remember putting on his sweatshirt that smelled like my perfume and listening to his voice. I remember him saying something about San Francisco.

Tucker reads my mind, saying, "He called me and told me you two were doing it. You were going to be together. He even looked for jobs in San Francisco."

"But I didn't live in San Francisco then, I lived in Alabama."

"He knew you wanted to move there. He wanted you to have all of your dreams. He was going to make sure you auditioned for that ballet company."

The wash of uncontrollable giddiness I experienced that night overcomes my senses. I tuck my legs up on the chair, pressing my face into my knees, twenty-two again and thinking of how much I love my best friend and how he loves me the same. I cry, and Johnny doesn't admonish me for it. He doesn't back off.

He groans, "I told him he better know what he's doing. I didn't want you to get hurt."

"How could he have hurt me? You know him just as well as I do, Johnny, Tucker never hurt me. Ever." I lift my chin to my knees.

"He always saw you as sexual. He didn't talk about you like that in front of me or anyone, I'm sure, but I saw the way he looked at you. I didn't want him to sleep with you and then ditch you like he did with every other girl."

"It wasn't like that with us."

"I know." He nods. "But he just kept doing the wrong thing with you, Ella. He gets you to drive seven hours, which wasn't necessary, and then you get into a car accident. Then he doesn't come to see you in the hospital, he doesn't talk to you, he completely ignores you." He allows, "I know it was hard for him. He was going through stuff, but…it still wasn't fair to you."

"Because you knew I loved him."

" Yeah ." Johnny's face shifts to anger. "He said he doesn't love you anymore and I knew it was going to be like this. I just knew it. You would always be a little bit in love with him and he's just over it."

There's movement on my left. I look at the open sliding door and the audience surrounding it. They scurry off when I catch them spying, as if I don't know they're just going to hide behind the curtain and keep listening.

I say, "So that's why you didn't care that I hated him?"

"I wanted you to hate him. Because then maybe you wouldn't be in love with him anymore."

"Then, why did you let him come this time?"

"You stopped bringing him up. He said he wouldn't touch you or talk about feelings." He shrugs.

My legs drop. "The bed, Johnny?"

He throws his hands up. "Honestly the only sleeping arrangement that worked. It was Serena's idea anyway and I didn't want anyone else to know about you too. And -" He flinches as a raindrop hits his shoulder. "Tuck promised it was over for him."

I stare at the inconsistent circles formed on the surface of the pool. Water hits my scalp. "It is over for him." The raindrop rolls down the side of my head, mirroring the tears rolling from my eyes.

Johnny stands, pulling me to him, into a hug. He says in my ear, "He didn't kiss you just now like he's over it."

I thought Johnny and I had run our course as best friends. I figured he'd just be familiar now, a reminder of the past, someone I shared memories with. But I was wrong about why he wanted us kept apart. At least a little bit. Some part of him still wanted to look out for me, even if it meant being at odds with his other best friend.

Pulling back, I ask him with a quiet voice, "Johnny, do you love Jen?"

He twitches, taken aback by the question. "Of course, I do."

"Like, can't live without her love or…she's just what you need right now love ?"

"I don't know," he mutters. "She's what I need right now, I guess. I needed to feel like I have a partner, someone by my side."

"Are you going to love her and take care of her forever?"

"Yes, of course." He ducks a drop of water. "Why are you asking me this?"

I wipe my nose. "Because I think I understand that kind of choice. I've just never needed anyone like that. I don't need another person to fulfill a goal or to have by my side or to make me feel safe." My throat clogs. "I just need Tucker because I don't want to live without him."

The rain falls harder now, and we duck, hurrying inside the air-conditioned house, the cold piercing the flecks of water on my legs. Johnny shuts the door.

"So, how do I win him over?" I wonder.

From the couch, Callie shouts, "Take your top off!"

I throw her a look. "I'm thinking more long-term here."

"Get pregnant," Wyatt suggests. He stuffs a chip in his mouth, and Ritchie nods in agreement beside him.

"Guys, I don't want to trick or coerce him into being with me. I want him to come to the conclusion that he loves me, and I love him, and we're better together than being afraid apart."

Serena gasps. Her eyes widen. She sits on her knees behind the coffee table and puts her drink down and says, "The proposal! Didn't he fake propose to you at the ski lodge? Propose to him just like that, repeat the same thing verbatim, and it'll be just like the end of Runaway Bride. "

I march over and take a swig from her seltzer. "Stop watching Julia Roberts movies as a template for how to live your life."

Callie starts, "Ugh, she once spent all my money at the mall -"

"You gave me your credit card." Serena shrugs. "Big mistake. Huge ."

Callie shifts forward on the couch and smiles reluctantly. Her hands run through Serena's hair. "What can I say? I'm a sucker for her. For love . And I can't believe you and Tuck are finally going to be together."

My heart leaps at the thought. I watch the two of them, Serena leaned into Callie's legs, handing her chips while Callie kisses the side of her head. Last night was the closest I've ever been to being tangled up in the truth with Tucker. Both of us were completely on the same page about what we wanted in that moment. I need a lifetime of that to make up for the seven years we could have had.

If that drunk asshole didn't hit my car, I would have walked into my house and Tucker would have jumped up from the chair in the kitchen. He would have been nervous. I would have felt my heart exploding. My parents would have been oblivious as I asked to talk to Tucker in the other room.

If I closed the office doors, he might have grabbed me and kissed me and told me he loved me. In my imagination, I hug him. I pull him to me, like I wanted to do so many times, and feel the weight of his security hold my anxieties. I might have asked to stay that way forever.

If he told me to audition for the San Francisco Ballet, I would have. I'd have felt that I could do anything with him by my side. We'd have an apartment there, and he'd use his grandparents' money to buy an old house to renovate. On our thirtieth birthday trip we would have been placed in the same bedroom, as we did every night, because we were a couple, our friends knew that. They'd be waiting for our next announcement. The next big step in our relationship, when all I'd want is to listen to his voice until I die.

There's a rumble of thunder outside. I decide, "When he comes back, I'm just going to tell him how I feel and what I want and let him choose."

"Can we be here for that?" Serena asks.

"No. You all have to scram."

"Where are we going to go?" Wyatt argues. He points outside. "We're in a monsoon."

The wind has picked up and it plasters rain against the windows. There's no way Tucker has made it back to the marina by now. I nervously begin, "Hey, who can find Tucker on their phone?"

Ritchie answers, "I can." He leans forward and takes his phone out, frowning until Jen answers, "He didn't take it. It's here."

She holds up his cellphone from the side table. His wallpaper is a generic space photo.

"He didn't take his phone?" I groan.

Knowing my mind, Serena comes to my side. "He's fine out there, Ella. He's in the channel. He's safe. Plus, he grew up on the water, right? He knows what he's doing."

Sure. It's not that bad out there. He'll be fine.

Still, even as I try to rationalize it, I can't stop thinking about Tucker. Standing in that boat, getting pelted with rain. The rough waves rocking, water splashing up on the sides. I don't know anything about boating, none of that could be remotely possible, but it's all I can visualize.

He does know what he's doing, though. The three of us went out on Christian's boat once in high school and a thunderstorm rolled in. Tucker made me sit by his feet while Johnny made sure everything was locked away and stowed the cushions. We weren't out very far, we made it back to the dock without difficulty, but I hated the sound of the waves and watching lightning crack the sky. Tucker stayed calm. Christian chewed him out afterward, but everything was fine.

"He should be back soon," I say, staring out at the storm. "He'll be fine."