Chapter Twenty-Four

Ski Trip

In late January of junior year, we went to West Virginia for Johnny's birthday. His parents come from a sickening amount of money, each, and they gave him a chunk of it to take his closest friends on a short trip. So, naturally, I wasn't invited.

"It's a couple's trip," he told me. He and Serena. Ritchie and Olivia. Tucker and whatever girl he dated at the time. I cried and yelled at Johnny, which didn't make it any better. He didn't relent. He booked three rooms at a ski lodge for two nights. To him, it made sense because, as he reminded me, "You don't even ski."

True, I had never been skiing before, but I couldn't believe that my best friend of sixteen years would stop me from attending his 21 st birthday trip because I didn't have a boyfriend. I told Tucker about it on Christmas Eve, to which he replied, "No, you're coming."

"He didn't get me a room."

"You can stay with me."

"You have a girlfriend."

I remember the hesitation, confusion, on his face. "She'll probably break up with me by then."

I had asked, "What are you doing to these women?" Referencing his back-to-back short-term relationships.

"Wouldn't you like to find out?" He gave me a wink.

My mother saw only the wink and demanded that we both stop drinking eggnog and stand on opposite sides of the living room. The irony of which, at that point in my relationship with Tucker, was not lost on me.

Tucker talked to Johnny about it, and I arrived in his driveway to a cold, silent friend. He didn't talk to me on the drive, but when we got to our rooms, he told me Serena and I would share. She wasn't surprised, Tucker was. Another silent moment from Johnny.

I asked Serena, "What's the big deal about Tucker and I staying in the same room?"

"He's afraid you two are going to fool around and it's going to affect the trip."

"We aren't like that."

She didn't respond.

We had dinner in the hotel that night, followed by drinks in the bar and the next morning they all planned to go skiing. Since I couldn't ski and had little interest in beginner lessons, I planned to read a book in the lodge, drink a hot chocolate and walk around in the snowy garden. I wondered why Johnny didn't want me here, why he didn't think I could entertain myself. He had been cold to me the night before, as if I stole his girlfriend and ruined his birthday.

When I walked down for breakfast that first morning, I found Tucker alone at a table, drinking juice and scrolling through his phone. It made me smile seeing him like that. It reminded me of eating breakfast together on the cruise. The first bit of time I'd spent with him alone.

He looked up when I stood beside him.

"Why aren't you with the others?" I asked.

He chewed on that. "Because I thought maybe you wanted to go play in the snow with me?"

"But today's your only day to ski."

"It's also my only day to hang out with you."

After we ate breakfast, I went upstairs to get my coat and boot. Tucker met me outside of my door. He put my hat on while I wrapped up in a scarf.

"Such a southern girl," he chided.

"Says the southern boy."

"I have the internal body temperature of an Alaskan husky."

"I think that's because you eat too much spicy food."

We walked around the lodge, through the snowy pathways of ice-tipped trees and crystalline bushes, and Tucker blew hot air on my face when I looked too cold. He switched gloves with me since mine were thinly knit. We had the white world to ourselves, it seemed. No one around to hear our crunchy footsteps or notice how closely he walked beside me, to watch when his hand reached out to help me around a patch of ice.

We each built a snow person. I found two hooked bits of wood and commented that they looked like devil horns. "Look, it's Gracie!"

"Oh, shit," he laughed. "Get me a stick. No, smaller. No, smaller ." He stuck the stick in the bottom center of his snowman. "And it's Steven."

"Ha!" I covered my mouth.

Tucker smiled. "We might end up being in-laws, you know."

"No. If they get married, then you will be my sister's brother-in-law and I will be your brother's sister-in-law."

"Does that mean she's gonna be nice to me?"

"Is she nice to me ?"

He packed a snowball and tossed it at my feet. "And we would be…?"

I returned the gesture. "Ella and Tucker. Whatever we are. The same we've always been."

"They wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us." He ducked and powder flew over his head. "I think we get to name their firstborn child."

"I call it!"

"You can't call it, this isn't shotgun. We have to compromise."

I turned as snow came at my face. "Do you really think they're going to get married?"

"I really do."

"Does Steve talk to you about that kind of stuff?"

"With his little penis, yeah." He smiled when I laughed. "He said he has to marry someone so he might as well marry Gracie now, rather than try to find someone later."

A cold wind rushed into my face. "That's horrible."

As mean and difficult as my sister could be, she deserved to be chosen because he couldn't live without her, not because she was the easy choice.

"Steve will be good to her. He's very loyal. I just…I don't know how he could possibly know what it is to be truly in love." Tucker stepped closer. "Like, can't breathe sometimes, in love with her. The whole world only exists because she's in it. Everything I have or see or do would be completely different if I never met you - her ." He skated his eyes over mine. "That kind of love."

I brushed snow off his shoulder. "I didn't know you were such a romantic."

"Really? I thought it was pretty obvious."

"With all those girls you date for a week?"

Tucker pushed my shoulders and my butt fell back into the snow. I was about to complain when he laid down beside me and told me to be quiet and look up. The sky was so clear, blue, stretches of cotton clouds.

He asked me, "Do you want to get married?"

"Are you proposing to me?"

" Yes ." I laughed, but he continued, "How about if we're not married by the time we're twenty-five, you marry me."

I sat up. "Twenty-five! You think in four years I'm going to be such a dried-up old maid and no one else will want me that I'll be forced to marry you?"

"With boobs like that, they're going to start sagging real fast."

I plastered snow all over his face.

"That burns!" he yelled. He conceded, "Okay, fine! How about thirty? If we're not married by the time we're thirty, you marry me. I might as well buy the cow."

"If I have to spend my life with someone, it's going to be someone who loves me."

" I love you, Ella."

"Ha ha." I snuggled up next to him. "Hey, let's make one giant snow angel." I didn't get a response, so I turned my head, ear into the snow, my hat rising, and found Tucker's eyes on me. "What?"

He exhaled. "Nothing." He stared back at the sky. "Let's make one fucked up, two-headed snow angel."

Tucker told me to meet him in the hotel bar. We'd only just turned twenty-one. The hotel was woodsy and rich, and I knew I couldn't sit on leather chairs beside a stone fireplace with my wet hair, being stared at by proper adults, so I showered and changed into a sweater dress and heels. I dried my hair. As I curled the strands, I thought about Tucker twirling the ends of it. Too often, I wore my hair in such a way that he could touch it, because I liked him beside me, touching me, both of us pretending it wasn't happening.

I shouldn't want that, but I did. If I were dating someone, would Tucker still run his fingers through my hair? Would I want it? As we got up from the snow and continued to walk around, I thought about Steven and Gracie and how they never touched each other. They didn't kiss in front of us or hold hands. They didn't have a gravitational pull. I wanted more than a love like theirs. When I married someone, I wanted them to crave me.

Before we walked inside the bar, Tucker pulled me aside.

"I think we can get some free champagne. Do you want to try it?" He pulled my grandmother's emerald ring off my finger. "Do you trust me?"

I narrowed my eyes and said, "Of course."

He took my hand, and we sat beside a bay window with a view of the snowy mountain and the sun dropping behind the trees. The fire cracked behind us. On our little square table, a votive candle between us, Tucker put his palm out. "Give me your hand."

I did.

He threaded his fingers through mine and instructed, "You have to play the part if this is going to work." He kissed my knuckles.

"Play what part?"

"A woman about to be proposed to."

My jaw dropped as he kissed my wrist. "No one's going to buy that. We look like children!"

"I don't look like a child." He scanned my body. "There are parts of you that are definitely full grown."

"We're not old enough to get engaged."

"Excuse me, we're old enough to do anything. We can rent a car." His fingers played with mine. "We can drink, we can vote. You could have been married at sixteen with a parent's permission in South Carolina."

"Brushing up on your child-bride laws, huh?"

"I'm just saying, we could totally get married now. Like, today, if we wanted."

"You only want to marry me because I know all of your secrets." I squirmed when he tickled my palm.

" Please , if anyone needs a silent partner, it's you. Besides, if we're married, I can't testify against you in court when they finally get you on public indecency charges."

"I can get away with anything."

"You can get away with nothing."

"Okay. But you can," I grumbled. "Everything's always my fault, Golden-boy."

Tucker's face fell. "Not everything. You know, when we were in high school, and our parents were so weird about us being alone together? I was so mad about all of that."

"Because they thought…you know…"

"That we were having sex?"

Bringing it up, the mention of what we'd done two years prior, made my cheeks blush. I know Tucker saw it. He put his mouth to my fingertips.

"I was mad because there was this insinuation that I'd leave, and I'd do what my –" He paused.

He never referred to his biological father, ever, not once.

He fixed, "That what happened to my mom would happen to you. That I would just leave you. I don't know how they could have thought that. Thought I was that kind of guy but also that I would do that to you ."

I took back control of my hand and pressed it to his cheek. "I know what kind of guy you are, Eli."

The kind of guy who broke up with his girlfriend so I'd have a prom date. The kind of guy who drove four hours and slept in his car in case I needed something. The friend who agreed to a one-night encounter and never spoke about it ever again.

I whisper, "So, what about this champagne?"

His eyelids fluttered. "Oh yeah."

Tucker walked to the bar and spoke to the woman behind it. She smiled, I stared at the table. Seeing him in his sweater, tall and handsome, knowing he'd love any woman he chose with absolute focus made my stomach swoop. It wasn't real, but it could have been. I had the rare opportunity to step into another person's shoes. To experience Elijah Tucker proposing marriage.

Who would she be? Would we be friends? Would he look at her with a sheen of love, masking deeper worries or troubles or desperation, or would every ounce of him radiate pure adoration?

I looked up and he was beside me, his mouth twitching, my grandmother's ring between his thumb and pointer finger. It wasn't even an engagement ring. It was just a simple ring passed down for generations. He knelt.

"Ella," he started. His hand went to my knee. "Ella, I love you. I've loved you for our entire lives."

At first, I tried not to laugh. That faded quickly.

He continued, "I love how wild and predictable you are. I love how you're not afraid to cry and you strip off your clothes when need to feel free. I love watching you dance. I love watching you do anything. I love that you let me be there for you because all I ever want is to protect you and care for you." His eyes moved. "I love that you wear your hair down. For me."

My heart skipped. His eyes returned to mine.

"I know I'll love you forever. I have to. It's not a question for me. You're my favorite person in the world. It's a good day even if I just get to see you. Nothing makes me happier than just being with you."

I told myself it wasn't real. Even so, colors muddied behind him and all I saw was this blurry, perfect person in front of me, a distorted image I've seen dozens of times, but the tears through which I viewed him then were joyful. And sad. And heartbreaking. He said such lovely things and they belonged to another girl. Some future woman. I just borrowed them for a little while.

Except for the bit about me taking my clothes off.

"Marry me, Ella."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"Please," he added.

I felt the heat from his hand and his eyes - just the two of us - and blinked away my tears. The world opened up.

"Yes," I breathed. "I'll marry you."

He smiled and put my ring back on, a different finger this time. The bar erupted in cheers and Tucker lifted me up, arms around my waist. Held tight to him, I leaned back and kissed him. Soft and lingering. I would borrow this from his future wife, too.

Tucker put me down as a waiter came by with a bottle of champagne and two glasses. I thought, shouldn't he check our IDs? It was all so ridiculous, me and Tucker engaged at twenty-one, yet it wasn't. We sat down and were poured champagne. Tucker moved his chair so that it was right beside mine and he slung his arm around my shoulder.

"Tell me if it's too much. If I'm ruining it," he said. His nose nestled into my hair.

"It feels nice," I answered. "I like pretending."

We finished the bottle by the time our friends texted for dinner. We hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and I wasn't an experienced drinker, so I was a little tipsy. We walked down to the restaurant, Tucker grabbing me before I ran into a vase, telling me to be quiet. I couldn't stop laughing. I kept thinking of how ridiculous it was that we pretended to be engaged and I flashed back to the little snowman Steven with his micropenis.

Good for Tucker's future wife, he and Steven weren't blood-related. She wouldn't have to worry about that.

I grabbed my head. "Oh no."

I wanted to not think about these things.

I didn't want those thoughts in my brain.

When we walked inside, our four friends were still in their snowsuits, cheeks pink and hair wind-swept.

Serena said, "What's going on here?"

"Is she drunk?" Johnny asked.

"I've got her," Tucker replied, terse. He held me steady, somehow, I didn't know. I felt a tug every time my body swayed too much one way.

I told them what happened and waved my ring at them. "You wanted it to be a couple's trip, Johnny," I teased.

He snapped at Tucker, "Buy her some food."

Throughout dinner, Johnny was quiet, but everyone else was fine. I sobered up with water and a chicken sandwich, but I kept a little quiet as well. I didn't know why Johnny was mad at me, or why he didn't want me to come on the trip, but it was his birthday, and I didn't want anything to go wrong.

We walked down the hallway after we ate, toward a cozy lounge area in the section of our hotel rooms. When the boys went to get some liquor they brought, I pulled Johnny aside.

"I'm sorry," I insisted. "I don't want you to be mad at me on your birthday."

"Then why did you come?"

"Because I should have been invited!"

"This trip wasn't about you. We were going to hang out when I got home."

I insisted, "That doesn't make sense. Why couldn't I have been here with all of your other friends?"

Johnny clawed at his scalp. "Because I didn't want you around Tucker! Lately, when we're together, it doesn't feel like we're all friends anymore. I feel like a third wheel." He crossed his arms. "Go ahead, sleep with him if that's what you want, but everything's going to be different after that."

"No, it won't," I argued.

He spit, "How do you know that?"

I didn't mean for my tone to give it away, maybe it was my facial expression or my silence that clinched it, but Johnny immediately understood. I saw it in the way he stepped backward and curved his lips down in disgust.

Mortification rippled through me. My oldest friend might have been imagining me having sex with his oldest friend and it probably tainted every memory he had of the three of us. I didn't want him to know. More than anyone, I didn't want Johnny to find out.

A room door shut, and Tucker and Ritchie returned, laughing, a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey in hand. Tucker stopped when Johnny turned around. I didn't know what was going to happen next, and I felt panicky, wanted to rip off this dress and go stand in the cold.

Johnny took a few steps and punched Tucker in the face.

"Oh my God!" I screamed.

Serena gasped. "What was that all about?!"

Tucker fell against the wall, the bottle rolling onto the carpet.

Johnny growled, "You promised me this one thing. The only thing I ever asked you not to do. And you did it."

Tucker's eyes opened slowly. His left cheekbone was already pink. He licked his lips and looked at me. "I know."

"You're going to ruin everything." Johnny stormed off into his room.

Serena said, "I'm going to grab some snow or ice for your face, Tuck."

Tucker had slid down to the ground, so I crouched down beside him while he touched the spot and winced.

"I'm sorry," I whined. "I didn't tell him, he just kind of figured it out."

"It's okay," he sighed.

I asked, "What exactly did you promise him you wouldn't do?"

I backed up as he started to stand. He exhaled, head tipped against the wall, and looked at Ritchie and Olivia who stood, uncomfortable in front of their hotel room. "Screw it up between the three of us."

"It's not okay, this is my fault, you didn't do anything!"

"Yes, I did." He squinted. "And it started a long time ago. I had this coming."

Serena rushed down the hallway with a bag of ice she must have gotten at the bar. I took it and gestured to our room, "I'm gonna take him – "

"Yeah." She pointed to where Johnny was hiding. "I'm going to…"

We dispersed and I sat Tucker down on a chair in the corner of my room. I held the ice to his face and said, "You're gonna have quite the shiner tomorrow."

"I think gonna have quite the shiner in ten minutes ."

I peeled the ice back. The bruising had already started. "You might be right about that."

He nodded. "I can't sleep in there with him."

"You can stay with me." I knelt in front of him.

"Ella, I can't afford to lose either one of you." He took the ice pack and held it away from his face. "He's my oldest friend. I have respect for that. And you…you're…special to me."

My soul fluttered.

"I don't have a lot of people in my life who chose to be in it. I just have you two."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"But you will, one day. You'll go off and get married and we can't be like this anymore. But, with Johnny, if I play my cards right, I'll always have his friendship."

I understood what he was saying. I'd never thought of it that way. It's easier for them to be in friendships because they're both heterosexual men. Anyone I end up with might be uncomfortable with my relationship with them. With Johnny, it's easier to see our relationship as platonic, but Tucker and I didn't present that way. It would be inappropriate for us to remain close friends after we're in committed relationships.

I didn't want him to go away.

I didn't want anything to change, not the frequency in which we saw each other, the way we hung out or the physicality of our bond.

Tucker cleared his throat. "Can I make one last request and I promise to never ask this of you ever again?"

I was aware of the bed behind us. I wondered if he was going to ask –

"Can I kiss you?" He said, "Just as the cherry on top of this really nice day."

"You had a nice day?"

"Of course."

"Even with the whole –"

"Even with that."

I wanted this, too. I wanted him to kiss me properly, as if we'd just gotten engaged and he loved me, truly. I told him yes, he could kiss me, and Tucker's lips touched mine. Briefly. He started to pull away.

Not like that.

I grabbed his neck and lifted up on my knees, deeply grasping his mouth with mine. He responded, gripping my dress, my butt. He lifted me onto his lap and kissed me as if we didn't exist apart. I thought maybe I wanted that. To be attached to him forever so no other man or woman could come between us and we could have each other without restraint. I hated her, the imaginary wife. She would get the beautiful parts of him that I couldn't have.

I kissed him endlessly.

Until the door made a sound. I flung myself off of him as Serena came into the room. She explained that she was going to get her pajamas and stay with Johnny, that whatever happened between the two of them, he would get over it soon.

Tucker didn't try to touch or kiss me for the rest of the night. I changed my clothes, he laid in his boxers, and we watched television silently for a little while. He slept on top of the comforter, beside me. When I woke up the next morning, he was setting a cup of coffee beside my bedside table. The drive home was tense. After that, things went back to normal between Johnny and me.

I didn't see Tucker for a very long time.