Chapter Forty-Four

KATYA

I find my voice. And then I wait.

Oliver picks his jaw up off the ground, then blinks a few times. “Um, I’m not hallucinating, right?” he whispers to Nina, who smacks him surreptitiously.

But I can’t take my eyes off of him. Him. He’s right there. He’s right there , he’s less than five feet away from me, I could take just a few steps and reach out to touch him. I could touch him, my god, I could hold him and maybe, finally, sink into his shoulder and let out the horrible scream that I’ve been holding in for weeks—

And then he flinches.

“What is she doing here?” he says through gritted teeth, punctuating every word like it’s a separate sentence.

I can feel the dread seep into my face, my mouth half open, nothing coming out. Nice to see you too , I would say, if I weren’t getting the urge to cry. It’s what I would’ve said any other time. It’s what I would’ve said before.

Luckily, Lian senses that my brain is completely frozen, or maybe she’s just tired of our bullshit, because she speaks for me. “ She is your partner, Bryan, and—”

“Not. Anymore.”

The words hit me like a punch to the stomach, and my breath hitches.

Before I can try and formulate something despite the look of absolute fury on a boy’s face that just two seconds ago was lit up and laughing—up until he saw me—Lian interrupts. “Yes, anymore, Bryan. She’s back. She’s your partner. You’re skating together, and that’s that.”

“You’re kidding.” He scoffs. “Are you kidding? She abandons us, and you’re just letting her back in? Are you crazy?”

“Maybe, but I’m also your coach,” Lian replies coolly. “I make the decisions here, and so does the AFSC. The show’s back on.”

“Show? This is my life! ” Bryan shouts, and I can physically feel my heart stuttering in my chest.

“Bryan—”

“I don’t want to fucking hear it, Katya. Lian, I’m not doing it.”

“You are.”

“You—”

“You are . Or do you not remember the reason why we’re here in the first place? You put yourself in this position. You don’t go to the Olympics without her. You don’t go anywhere without her. Are you really willing to give all of it up?”

I shouldn’t be here. The realization is dizzying. Oh, god, I shouldn’t be here.

He looks at me.

If I thought that night was the worst thing I could see on his face, I was dead wrong.

“I’ll do it,” he says. Like it’s a death sentence.

Lian nods. “That’s all I needed to hear.” With that, she waves a hand, and we file out of her office.

The door shuts behind me, and the four of us stand there. I’m trying to look at anything but him. He’s making it difficult.

“I have a lesson now,” Nina murmurs, and disappears.

We keep staring at each other.

“So how was the—"

“I’m really sorry about—“

My face burns, and Oliver, to his credit, actually manages to laugh. “Jinx.”

I smile, even though it probably comes out as a grimace. “I’m sorry about the surprise. I should’ve called.”

Oliver waves a hand. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”

Bryan finally looks me in the eyes, and that’s when I notice that they’re completely flat. “I disagree.”

He turns and leaves.

Ollie turns to me, a wicked grin splitting his face as he pulls me into a hug. “The bitch is back.”

“She’s glad to be back.” I want to laugh, I do, but I’m watching the back of Bryan’s head as he walks, practically runs, further and further away from me, and I feel my heart aching in my chest like it’s slowly being drained out of it.

Oliver catches me looking as he pulls away, and the grin fades into a sigh as he claps a hand on my shoulder. “Listen…don’t worry about him. He’ll come around. You just have to give him time.”

“I don’t think he will,” I whisper.

He doesn’t correct me.

I said I wanted to go home. And now I have. But home isn’t just a place—it’s never been a place. But what are you supposed to do, when home’s locked you out? Where else are you supposed to go?