Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Tony

The scents of barbecue and fresh-cut grass hung heavy over the riverfront park on the Fourth of July. The park teemed with people for the annual Mount Hope Independence Day parade, festival, and fireworks show. I'd been assigned to assist with the fire department's presence downtown, and I had more than enough to keep me busy working our booth at the park.

However, Sean, in all his acting-captain wisdom, still had me tagging along with Caleb, and no amount of busy could counter Caleb's effect on me. He was a natural at working the festival, charming everyone from seven weeks to seventy, handing out water bottles, assisting in minor first aid, and issuing reminders about fireworks and dehydration dangers. I was at serious risk of overheating myself simply from watching Caleb all damn morning. Further, every time I turned around, I was smacked with the memory of that damn kiss.

I wish I knew what had possessed me. One second, Caleb had been talking about his journey to becoming a firefighter, and the next, I was kissing him. I could blame his hypnotic eyes or the way his story had made my chest uncomfortably full, emotions I didn't care to unpack. I could blame a years-long dry spell. Playing the hook-up game at bars near the base had lost its appeal a long time ago, but neither abstinence nor Caleb was to blame for my total lack of control.

And we'd almost been caught, something which should have iced my balls, not given urgency to every fantasy I'd had since. At least I'd managed the past few days without having to discuss the kiss with Caleb. But thinking? That I couldn't escape any more than I could stop watching the flex of Caleb's back muscles under his fire department T-shirt.

"Damn, it's hot today," he said as he pressed a cold water bottle to his forehead. A droplet of water rolled down his face, and the urge to lick his skin was a near-palpable need.

"Ha. Hot for Oregon." I forced a light tone. "You should try a summer in the south."

"No, thank you." Stepping away, Caleb pulled out his phone but quickly pocketed it again when he noticed me watching.

"Everything okay?" Not wanting Caleb to get in trouble, I glanced at the other side of the booth, but Sean was deep in conversation with Suzy and another firefighter.

"Yeah. Sorry." Caleb followed my gaze. "I know better than to check my phone on shift, but I'm worried about Scotty."

"I can see why." I gestured out at the rest of the festival. In addition to families, clumps of teens had invaded like weeds. Teen boys stunted on skateboards in violation of park rules while mixed groups ate piles of junk food from the food court and sundress-wearing older teen girls danced to the live music. And I wasn't so old that I couldn't remember all the fun of fireworks and friends. "It's certainly a weekend for teen trouble."

"Exactly." Caleb let out a heavy sigh. "And Scotty's at home, probably dreaming up God knows what prank with fireworks later. Too much time on his hands. He still hasn't taken my advice to find a part-time job."

Closing his eyes, he moved his water bottle to the bridge of his nose. In his weariness, I saw my younger self, the ever-present worry about what my sisters were getting up to and with whom.

"Here." Acting fast, I pulled out my phone and typed a brief message. "Cosmo and John were talking about walking around the festival. I just texted them and reminded them the new kid would likely appreciate an invite to hang with them."

"You didn't have to do that. But thanks." Caleb offered me a crooked smile as his eyes stayed cautious. We might not be discussing it, but that kiss was as present as the July sun.

"No problem." I didn't have a chance to check my phone for a reply from Cosmo because a trio of giggly nineteen- or twenty-year-olds approached the booth for help with blisters from their strappy sandals. They were only too happy to let Caleb apply bandages to their heels. I had to hide a laugh when Caleb smartly declined their request for a group selfie.

After the young ladies, we handed out more water bottles to a group of stroller-pushing moms and lectured a frisbee golf team attempting to play around the crowd of festival attendees. I avoided speaking to Caleb for a good hour, but then I spied Cosmo, John, and Elliot with Scotty in tow.

"Hey, it worked." Gesturing, I pointed out the kids. Caleb grinned widely, all farm-fresh sunshine and dimples, and oh, how I wished I didn't feel that grin all the way to my toes.

"Wow." Caleb beamed as the boys approached our booth. "They got Scotty out of the house. Looks like he might have even showered."

Scotty did indeed have damp hair and his usual scowl had been replaced by a bland expression and deliberate slump, the sort of teen posture universally adopted to play it cool.

"Need a water?" Caleb reached for the cooler as the quartet reached our table.

"Sure." Scotty accepted a cold bottle from his brother. "Got any cash? The guys are gonna light fireworks over in the school parking lot with some other kids from the team after the town show."

"That's not—" Caleb started to protest but abruptly shut his mouth and swallowed before fishing a twenty out of his wallet and handing it over. "Just be safe. Please. And text me when you're home by midnight."

"What's the fun in playing it safe?" Scotty made a sour face that got laughs from the other boys.

"The fun in being alive," Caleb snapped back, apparently out of whatever patience he'd summoned earlier.

"Bye, Grandpa. " The teens wandered away, chortling and shoving each other.

"They'll be okay," I said to Caleb in a low voice, hoping I was right. "And I'll ask my brother-in-law to low-key drive by the school parking lot a time or three, make sure things don't get out of hand."

"Good idea." Caleb nodded right as some kids started throwing little snapping fireworks on the sidewalk across from our booth. I had to work not to wince or jump. However, my efforts must have failed because Caleb narrowed his eyes. "How about you? Doing okay?"

"Me? I'm fine." Playing dumb, I made a show out of opening a bottle of water and taking a sip. "Hot, but I'm staying hydrated."

"Were you such a crappy liar in the Rangers too?" Tilting his head, Caleb gave me a hard stare.

"Nope. Apparently, it's a you-thing." I wasn't above using the truth to get one of Caleb's musical laughs. "And it's nothing. I've come to hate fireworks. That's all. Stupid fuckers."

"Oh. Yeah." Caleb's eyes took on an earnest cast. "Lots of former service people have trouble with the Fourth. Is there anything that could help you?"

Fucking you through the nearest mattress. Hard. I thought it but didn't say it. Instead, I hardened my voice to discourage more helpful offers. "Doubt it."

I might be retired now, but old habits of never talking about the toll combat took died hard. I'd learned early on that the army didn't look kindly on anything that had even a whiff of PTSD, so I kept my jumpiness around loud sounds, hatred of sticky messes, and occasional nightmares to myself. In fact, I'd shared more with Caleb than with some I'd served a decade or more with.

Taking a breath, I tried to summon a better reply, but before I could, Caleb's radio crackled to life.

" We've got reports of a lost kid near the food court. A four-year-old male named Kai, short brown hair, in a flag T-shirt and denim shorts. All hands on deck ."

Leaving Sean in charge of the booth, the rest of us sped through the festival, looking for the kid. There were dozens of flag T-shirts in every direction, making searching harder. A perimeter sweep of the food court and nearby restrooms didn't yield the kid, so we spread out.

"Better check this direction." Caleb gestured at the paved path that skirted along the bank of the Columbia River. Even in July, the river beckoned ominously, cold and swift. The banks were steep and rocky, overgrown with trees and shrubs, but that didn't discourage determined folks, particularly in this sort of heat. Small boats and rafts dotted the water while some brave souls waded along a shallow stretch. "But I'm praying he didn't make it this far."

"Me too." I followed Caleb down the path, calling for the kid as Caleb spoke into the radio in low tones.

"We're prepping a boat and dive crew just in case," he reported, tone grim and eyes a stark reminder that I wasn't the only one who had seen some shit. In my eagerness to not show weakness, perhaps I'd missed some other commonalities. Soldiers weren't the only ones who saw combat.

"Kai? Kai?" We yelled for the kid fruitlessly. In my pocket, my phone buzzed, but I ignored it. No time for whatever the call was, but then Caleb slapped his pocket as if it were also buzzing.

"Yours too?" The back of my neck prickled. Caleb reached for his phone, but before he could, someone called his name.

"Caleb! Caleb!" Scotty called from the edge of the river near a rocky section with many large stones and logs poking out of the rushing water. "There's a little kid in the water on a rock. We're trying to get to him."

Heart banging against my ribs, I scrambled down to the teens. All this situation needed was for one of them to get swept away. By the time we reached the edge of the water, the four boys had formed a human chain to reach the little kid. Each teen was up to their knees in the swiftly moving river. I had no clue how little Kai had made it out to the large, flat rock, but there he was, wet and crying and blessedly alive. My breath whooshed out all at once.

Caleb barked an update into his radio right as John scooped the kid under his free arm, and working together, the teens reeled John and Kai into the shore.

"Got him." John grinned victoriously as he handed Kai over to Caleb. The next few minutes were chaotic, with the kid's parents, EMTs, and other first responders arriving on the scene. I collected towels for the teens and brought one over to John.

"We did good, right?" John asked, still grinning as he bounced from foot to foot, the sort of post-mission adrenaline I knew too well.

"You did good." I nodded sharply. "You took a big risk in not waiting for more help, but working together like that was a good call."

"So good you could not tell my dad?"

"You really think he won't get word of this?" I gestured at the first responders, all of whom knew Eric. Of course John wouldn't want to worry his dad, who had lost so much already, but that cow was likely already out of the barn. "Sorry, but he likely already knows."

"Gah." John groaned dramatically. "I'm gonna be wrapped in bubble wrap till I'm twenty."

"Thirty." I clapped him on the shoulder as I watched Kai's parents tearfully reunite with the preschooler. This scene could have so easily gone the other way. My throat tightened and my hands were as shaky as if I'd been the one in the water.

Caleb, on the other hand, was as cool as ever, debriefing Sean and the other personnel, managing to stay professional even as he kept glancing over at Scotty and the other teens. I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves. I'd spent days wanting a repeat of that kiss and enjoying Caleb's company, but for the first time, I respected Caleb as a fellow operator.

Respect led to admiration, led to a deepening of the like I already had for the guy. Physical attraction was one thing, but a sense of connection was far more dangerous than any mission I'd ever been a part of.

After we were back at the booth, my head continued to swim with thoughts about the respect people earned and the risks worth taking. My foggy head and post-crisis adrenaline made me that much jumpier with each distant firecracker.

"Hey. How you holding up?" Caleb asked in a low voice, coming up next to me, more of that distracting nearness. "You want me to see if there's some task back at the station you could do? The noise will only get worse as the night drags on."

"Absolutely not. I'm not leaving. I'm fine." I glared at him. "And don't tell anyone else about how I hate the noise."

"I won't." He rolled his eyes at me, adding a loud huff. "I'll add it to the list of shit we're not talking about."

"Caleb." Whispering, I drew his name out to double the usual syllables.

"What? I've been good all week." He held up his hands. "You said it didn't happen, so it didn't."

"It shouldn't have. Couldn't have." I ground out each word out. If only forgetting were as easy as willing it so. I glanced around, but no one was paying us any attention. "And definitely won't again."

"What's your deal?" Caleb grimaced as if the words had a sour taste. "Eric's your best friend, but you sure give off closeted vibes."

"It's complicated."

"Uh-huh." He shot me the most pointed look ever, sharp enough to pinch some delicate place in my chest. "Says every straight dude ever."

"Look." I exhaled hard. The festival continued to swirl around us, happy, oblivious people. I'd very deliberately never had this conversation with anyone, including myself, but something about Caleb invited reflection and honesty. "I suppose I've always known that multiple genders can turn me on. But I spent twenty years in a special operations environment that isn't exactly known as being queer-friendly. And that's not counting the years of football. Hooking up with women was…convenient…simple. I have zero interest in long-term anyway. It was easiest to never open the box of what-ifs."

"Yet, you kissed me, much as you want to pretend otherwise."

I made a frustrated noise. I couldn't deny the attraction or my actions. "Sorry."

"Apology not accepted." Caleb shook his head. "You want to regret it, fine, but don't rope me into your guilt sandwich."

"I'm not sorry we kissed. Wish I was. That would be easier."

"For you, maybe." He shrugged, like deciding which flavor of chips to buy, not like my entire self-concept was suddenly in question.

"I meant I'm sorry you got caught up in my…confusion."

"Ah. Good ol' confusion. Another word straight guys love, right up there with curious."

"I'm not confused about the attraction." I made a frustrated noise. "It's more that I've never let myself go there, no matter how…intrigued. The consequences always seemed too great." I leaned heavily on the nearby folding table, gazing off into the distance, taking in all the families having picnic dinners. I spied more than one same-sex parent duo, and the mayor herself was married to a woman. All those consequences felt…softer somehow. I licked my lower lip. "But now…"

"Now you get to make your own rules."

My pulse sped up. "I've lived by others' rules so long that I doubt I could change."

"You could. You should." He looked straight into my eyes, blue daggers that delved past every defense I had. "And I say that as a queer, chubby kid who landed in the crosshairs of every bully in the school district, but living as myself now is priceless. No other choice for me."

Before I could reply, Sean came bustling over to direct most of our crew closer to where the fireworks show would take place. The show had yet to start, but there was still plenty of noise from kids with poppers and nearby backyard firecrackers.

"Hey, Captain." Caleb sidled up to Sean, rubbing his temples. "I'm battling a headache, and we're hella close to the action. You mind if I grab a pair of ear defenders from the rig?"

"That's fine." Sean gestured at the engine parked nearby. "And a good idea. Anyone else want to grab a pair?"

Of course I was first in line to grab a pair of the noise-canceling defenders and shot Caleb a grateful look. He didn't have to do that, especially after our tense discussion about the kiss.

Somewhere between the night sky lighting up with the town firework show and the end of our double shift, a restless, needy thrum built up in me. My body hummed with untapped energy, more potent than simple adrenaline. I knew exactly what would cure it too.

And I equally knew better than to go after it. It was late, well after midnight, and nearly all of Mount Hope's limited bar scene would be closing up shop. Excuses. Things I told myself to justify hanging around the parking lot, waiting for Caleb to emerge.

I knew better, yet I still called out, "Caleb. Wait up. I wanted to thank you for earlier. The defenders helped."

"You're welcome." His expression was unreadable as he flexed his hands against his side. Like me, he seemed far too awake for what was essentially the middle of the night.

"You heading home?" I asked in a husky whisper.

"Why?" Caleb met my gaze, eyes sharp and unwavering. "Ask what you really want to ask, Tony."

"Wanna go somewhere?"