Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Tony

I'd reached the point in missing Caleb where my brain and heart hurt too much to keep mulling over ways to keep us together. Consequently, I was scrubbing Eric's kitchen like an army medal might be on the line. The more I cleaned, the less I had to think.

"You don't have to do the whole kitchen on your own." Maren, who was in town for one last visit before the college semester started, wandered into the kitchen and immediately started putting away pots from the drying rack.

"I like it." I protested more because I was in the mood to be alone with my funk than out of a genuine love of cleaning.

"No one likes dish duty." Naturally, Maren saw right through me. She moved from the pots to lining up knives in their wooden block on the counter. She always managed to sound far wiser than her years, an eldest kid trait I knew well. "It's why everyone else ducked out after dinner."

"Yeah, but Wren cooked, so they had an excuse. Rowan left to meet some kids at the ice cream place, and John has friends over."

"And you and Jonas are pushovers." Maren rolled her eyes. She'd missed dinner, or she certainly would have wrangled the other kids into helping clean up.

"Maybe." I had to admit I wasn't nearly as good at getting the kids to help as Sean or Eric, who both had that innate dad energy. "Jonas got called in for a shift at the hospital while we were eating, or I'm sure he would have insisted on helping."

"Ugh." Maren released a pained groan. "I was hoping he was still here. I need to talk something out."

"Wanna try talking to me instead?" I wasn't sure I was fit company for anyone right then, but I couldn't walk away from Maren in obvious distress. "You've been in a huff your whole visit. Worried about going back and the start of the school year?"

"Sort of." Her bow-shaped mouth twisted. Like Rowan, she was tall and thin with dark hair and elfin features. "Mainly, I'm worried about Diesel because Stephanie broke up with him."

"Isn't he still in the hospital?" Last I'd heard, Diesel was facing a lengthy recovery from his hiking accident. He'd had a few infection setbacks before finally being transferred to a medical rehab facility back here in Mount Hope to work on regaining mobility.

"Exactly." Maren made a disgusted noise. "He's still not back home with his dad, and Stephanie pulls this crap? And yeah, Diesel is annoying, but no one deserves to be broken up with simply because they got hurt and their injuries are quote-unquote ‘gross.'"

"That sucks. Poor kid." Done with my counter-scrubbing mission, I patted her on her slim shoulder. "And I saw that happen too many times to count in the military. Some relationships can't survive hardship."

"And some can." Her voice came out extra strident like she needed that to be a fact.

"Yep," I agreed. Before this summer, I would have said very few relationships could last under the best circumstances, let alone medical hardship. But now, I was less sure about that stance. Eric and Montgomery had lasted right up until the end. Angel and her husband were the picture of happiness these days, but they'd been through their share of rough patches. And then there was Caleb.

Caleb, who made me believe some relationships could work out. Long-term wasn't terrifying anymore. What was truly scary was the idea of never getting a chance. And unlike some fickle college kids, I couldn't see either of us bolting in the face of a health crisis. In fact, when Scotty had been injured, I'd wanted to be with Caleb more, not less.

Maren gave a lengthy sigh that broke through my ruminating. "Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time at the rehab facility trying to cheer up Diesel, but I'll worry about him when I go back to college."

"Ah." I made a noise like I understood, but we were wandering into murky territory where I wasn't sure what advice to give. If I suggested that perhaps there was more than friendship at stake, Maren was likely to shut me down. I'd met her a few times when I'd visited on leave, and she was very much the type to keep her cards close to the vest. Never dated in high school, and if there was a college relationship, I hadn't heard of it. The few times the other kids had teased her, she'd scoffed at the very idea of a crush.

Not unlike me. Funny how one could deny a thing right up until it smacked a body square in the face. And then, those feelings you'd always assumed were make-believe seemed like the most real thing in the world.

"Would it help if more people volunteered to visit Diesel?" I asked for lack of any other ideas.

"Maybe." Maren shrugged. "It's not simply that though. I told Dad I wasn't sure I wanted to return to college for the fall term, and he gave me the whole don't jeopardize your scholarship and future lecture. But you'd think I'd be all energized for my pre-med classes after seeing Diesel injured and you guys do the rescue?—"

"You helped," I reminded her as I polished the stainless fridge for the second time. I had a feeling that if we stopped cleaning, Maren might stop talking.

"Not really." She wrinkled her petite nose. "That's the thing. Between that and visiting Diesel in the hospital, being a doctor doesn't feel…exciting. No, that's not the right word. But it feels weird, like maybe I don't want to be pre-med anymore."

"Then don't be." Having had my own issues after the rescue, I found it far easier to give advice than to take it. But Maren was at the age when everyone went through varied options. Changing directions felt far different at forty-two. "Isn't college supposed to be about switching majors? Finding yourself?"

"Maybe for other kids." Her gaze turned far away. "I promised Doctor Dad before he died that I'd be a doctor like him."

"Oh." The breath whistled out of me. "I met your dad more than a few times. He wasn't the type to hold any of you kids to something like that. He always said his greatest wish was simply for you four to be happy. I'm sure he'd understand if you chose another direction."

"I'm not sure I will." Her soft hazel eyes teared up, but before I could try to comfort her, she waved a hand in front of her face. "Sorry. You don't need my drama."

"It's not drama." I patted her on the shoulder before she stepped away to straighten canisters on the counter. I followed her across the room but hung back to give her more space. "You have to be true to who you are now. You're not the same kid you were in high school."

Not the same person. I'd danced around that thought for days now. I'd tried to articulate my thoughts to Caleb, but I hadn't understood it this clearly. I'd been one person in high school, another in the Rangers, and now, despite my belief that change was more for people Maren's age, I wasn't the same guy I'd been a year ago. I wasn't the stoic sergeant, and the plans I'd made over my last few years in the military made less sense now. Also, my old beliefs around relationships belonged to that previous self.

Maren strode over to the back staircase. "Thanks for the talk, Tony. When I find out who I am, I'll let us both know."

She gave me a half-crooked smile before disappearing upstairs. I wasn't sure I'd helped her at all, which left me feeling vaguely unsettled, a restlessness in my limbs. Cleaning done, I put my excess energy into watering the plants in Eric's yard.

I didn't know the difference between a dahlia and a marigold, but the work was monotonous yet satisfying. Enough that when Scotty came ambling out the back door, I was relaxed enough to give him an easy wave.

"Heading home?" I asked, intentionally not fishing for details about where Caleb might be.

"Yeah." Scotty scrubbed at his short hair. His pale skin was blotchier than usual and his mouth was a tight line. "Might as well."

Lord save me from a second round of teenage angst during an evening when my empathy skills were already in short supply. However, I couldn't let him walk away any more than I had Maren.

"Everything okay?"

"Fine. Great. A-okay." Scotty gave me the fakest smile in the entire world

"I'm not convinced," I said dryly.

He made a rude noise. "You wouldn't get it."

"I was a teenager once." That had sounded enough like Angel's mom voice that I had to laugh at myself. "And okay, that sounded super cheesy, but try me."

"You ever do something stupid?" Scotty spat the words.

"Of course." Rather than teenage mistakes, though, my mind went instantly to Caleb. The stupidest, best thing I ever did was kiss him. And every stupid, reckless action since then had led to the best summer of my life. Couldn't say I regretted any of that, which probably wasn't what Scotty needed to hear. Instead, I made my voice carefully curious. "What kind of stupid?"

"Stupid like dumb shit that's one step short of having a permanent record. And if I tell people about what went down last year, sometimes they act like stupidity might be contagious. Or like they need to hide their wallets and lock up the spray paint."

"Ah. Judgmental people are the worst." What I didn't add because it wouldn't be helpful was that expectations went both ways. For years, everyone had expected me to do the right and predictable thing to the point that wanting a life of my own felt like a radical act.

"Yeah. And sometimes it's people you least expect to judge." He pursed his lips before glancing back at the house. I had a feeling he meant John, but I didn't want to press. "Feels like I'll always be that fuckup."

"It's never too late for a fresh start and for proving people wrong."

"Put it on a motivational poster." He gave me a much-deserved pointed look.

"Sorry." I offered a sheepish smile. He was right that my advice was cliché, but the words rumbled in my brain. Whose assumptions did I need to prove wrong? Caleb? Coach Willard? My friends? In Scotty's case, negative expectations were holding him back, but I was proof that positive ones could be equally hard to overcome.

"Everyone is always going to see Scotty the Fuckup." Scotty made a wide, sweeping gesture with his hands. "Doesn't matter what I do."

"I don't believe that's true." I gentled my voice. "You've got friends here. And even if they might seem judgmental about your past, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't call you that."

"Of course not. They're nice. " Scotty said nice like it was a curse word. "And they're why I want to change. But I did something today that I don't wanna tell Caleb about, and you'd think I lifted a car, what with John yammering over precedent and secret keeping."

"Ah." Dangerous territory indeed, as there was a limit to what secrets I could keep on Scotty's behalf.

"Chill. It wasn't illegal or anything." Scotty made a dismissive gesture. "But Caleb's always going to see the worst in me and treat me like a little kid. And this is exactly what I meant. Get a rep for making impulsive mistakes and everyone assumes I went base-jumping or shoplifting, not that I talked to a recruiter."

"A recruiter? Like army?" At least it wasn't criminal, but given Caleb's reluctance for Scotty to pursue the military post-graduation, I had to tread carefully here.

"Yeah. An army recruiter. I always thought enlisting would mean no more football, but it turns out I could play football at West Point or use an ROTC scholarship to supplement scholarships for playing elsewhere. And even though my grades from my old school suck, it's not an automatic rejection, especially if I keep it together this year."

"That's good news on the grades," I said carefully. "See? People do see the potential for you to change."

"But Caleb won't." Scotty set his jaw as his eyes took on a stubborn cast. "You have any idea what a hard act to follow he is?"

"Maybe a little," I said before I thought the better of the reply. It was the truth, however, because I wasn't sure I personally was ever replacing the effect Caleb had on my life.

"He's such a good person, and he expects everyone else to be too."

"You are good too," I protested, even though I had an idea what Scotty meant. Caleb had a strong, unwavering moral core, and he did have high expectations for others in his life. It made sense that he didn't see staying on the down-low as an option for us.

"At finding trouble." Scotty snorted. "I wanna be a better person, but that's different from everything coming easy."

My eyes went wide at that. "You really think Caleb's had it that easy? Maybe you should ask him about high school."

For all Caleb had talked to me about being bullied, I didn't like to think about his younger self because a helpless sort of rage overwhelmed me when I did. But I pushed past those feelings to a more important point: Scotty didn't know what Caleb had been through because they'd never talked. All he saw was the person Caleb was now, a well-respected firefighter, happy with a group of friends, and the laughing exterior Caleb insisted on presenting to most of the world.

I knew him differently. I knew his struggles and his desire to be taken more seriously by his colleagues. However, I knew because Caleb had told me. You'll keep it under your hat. Coach Willard's words rang in my ears. For the first time, my frustration at Caleb being unwilling to consider the option of not being out gave way to an understanding that the suggestion alone came from a place of privilege. I could pass as straight. I had for an entire military career, but at what cost?

"Talk to your brother." I used my sergeant voice on Scotty. I couldn't reveal the confidences Caleb had shared with me, and I couldn't force Caleb to reveal his inner self to Scotty. But they could both benefit. "You might learn something."

"Ha." Scotty gave a harsh laugh.

"Seriously. You guys are more alike than you think. And he's your brother who loves you. Don't take that for granted."

An electric jolt hit the back of my neck. I had been doing exactly that, taking Caleb's easygoing nature and affection for granted.

"It's hard when he's so annoyingly perfect." Scotty glanced skyward like God might be on his side with this one, then exhaled loudly. "But I get what you're saying. Caleb does a lot for me."

"He does. And he put in a lot of effort to make you a home." My voice wavered because Scotty wasn't the only one who'd taken Caleb for granted. And in all my deliberating over what might be best for me and, by extension, us, I hadn't thought enough about Caleb and what he deserved.

"I better get going before Caleb sends out a search party." Scotty's tone was fonder now.

"Think about talking to him. About everything. Give him a chance," I urged while hoping Caleb could do the same for me. I needed a chance to make things right. I'd spent days wondering how to save things with Caleb, but it turned out I'd possibly been asking the wrong questions all along.