30. Clara

CHAPTER 30

Clara

I stare at Raleigh- my best friend, my only friend- trying to comprehend that she just admitted to almost killing me. And herself.

"You did… You set…" I try to pull together more words to complete the question, but I can't. Instead, I just force out, " Why ?"

Raleigh's face is splotchy with color. Her lips press together in a bloodless line, like she doesn't plan to answer me, but then I see her throat work. She's having her own problems getting out the right words.

"Because-" she chokes, "because I thought you went there that night to kill me."

I trip back a step, horror and heartache threatening to knock me down. "You thought I- what?! Why?!"

Raleigh seems to be forcing herself to meet my eyes. Her hazel gaze, just like her brother's, is so intense it's almost angry. "I hadn't seen or heard from you in ten years, Clara. Ten . Years . And the last time I saw you before that, my home was on fire, and I was watching you run out with your mother and your uncle. You left me there . "

The accusation is cutting, worse because I've thought the same thing myself. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye before my uncle forced my mother and I to make our choice. Of course, I was only fifteen, a child. I didn't get a choice. But if I had, would I have stayed with Raleigh, my beloved friend, my soul sister, on an estate that was burning to the ground? Or would I have followed my mother into the unknown?

To this day, I don't know the answer to that question. And Raleigh can see that uncertainty on my face now. Her mouth twists in a grimace, her eyes going glassy with tears she refuses to shed.

"I loved you more than anyone else in the world," she says. "I mean- who the fuck else did I have?! Mom's been dead since the day I was born, so- My dad? Yeah no, he didn't give a shit about me. My brother? I barely knew him. You were it- I was fourteen, and you were everything to me!"

She takes a long, trembling breath, and when she lets it out her eyes look a little bit clearer. "So you showed up that night, acting like you hadn't changed at all- acting like nothing was different between us, and I thought, well fuck . I mean, I couldn't believe it! You disappear for ten years, and then you show up asking for my help? Suspicious is an understatement. So…" She trails off, a bit of sheepishness creeping into her voice.

"So you tried to burn me alive?!" I demand, incredulous.

"Better than waking up with a bullet between my eyes!" she shoots back, but in her posture, she looks like she's retreating, her shoulders hunching. For the first time, I see the cornered animal in her, how quickly she'll lash out if she thinks she's in danger. My anger deflates, just a little.

"I mean… best case scenario, you would just give up and run away once you were in danger," Raleigh says, a little quieter. "You weren't supposed to get trapped in the house. And the fire wasn't supposed to spread quite that fast."

It's insane, the image in my mind of Raleigh pouring gasoline around her own house before lighting a match, all to chase me away. At the same time, she's never not been reckless, as likely to shoot herself in the foot as she is to obliterate her target.

"Also," Raleigh forces out, "I called your uncle's men to come get you at the bus stop that I dropped you off at."

Oh.

"...Oh."

Despite her best efforts, Raleigh is having a hard time meeting my eyes now. "If you stayed here, it would only be a matter of time before Tommy pulled you into his scheming. Either you'd be his hostage forever, or a pawn. At least back home, you'd be a prisoner in familiar territory, right? For girls like us, that's the best we can hope for, right? I told you it would be better for you to be with your uncle or to be far away. And at that point, I didn't think that… you had it in you to get away."

Through the tempest of my own emotions, our argument over breakfast comes back to me. There's no fighting the role you were born into. You either accept it or you run.

At that point, she'd already given up on the idea that I'd run. Which meant that there wasn't a choice for me. What she was really saying was that I should go back to the Speare estate and accept my lot in life.

As much as that hurts, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as the realization that she had been talking about herself too. She was living outside the estate, but it was in a house her brother owned and monitored. She hadn't even tried to get distance from him, she'd only reclaimed as much privacy as she could.

Since we both came to the estate, Raleigh has been taking more and more hits for my sake, all because she's already accepted that her life is barely hers. The equal amount of protection and danger that her name affords her makes her a prisoner, and it always will unless she throws everything away and makes a new life for herself. And she's not willing to give up her comforts- her car, her clothes, her hair dye, her artisanal coffees- for the sake of her freedom.

And although she's made that choice with her eyes open, it galls her that she had to make it at all. There's anger simmering under her skin every minute of every day, and I finally understand why. And why that anger has been pointed so directly at me since I got here.

I am a representation of the naivety she can't stand in herself.

Along with that epiphany comes another, even more important.

She might be furious with me… but I'm not angry with her. Not for nearly killing me, and not for turning me in to my uncle.

I can't tell if this absurd acceptance of betrayal means I've adjusted better to the mafia life than I ever realized, or if I've completely resisted its influence.

Without meaning to, without realizing it's about to happen- I start laughing.

At first, it's a bubbling giggle that I can't suppress. Raleigh's eyes almost bug out of her head, and her flabbergasted expression only makes me laugh harder. Pretty soon, I'm doubling over, clutching my stomach, fighting desperately to breathe. Am I becoming hysterical, or is it really just that funny?

"What the fuck is going on?" Raleigh demands. She looks half ready to slam the tunnel door on me to avoid catching my madness. I wave a hand at her, trying to reassure her that I'm not dying or losing my mind. When I finally take a full breath, it's easier to compose myself.

"I-" I hiccup on a last laugh, "I'm sorry. It's not funny but- but it also is." I'm smiling so hard it hurts. Raleigh doesn't seem convinced, and I don't blame her. "What I mean is that I'm not mad. It's- It's fine."

I can't say I forgive her because she never actually apologized, and I don't expect her to. In classic Raleigh fashion, she's managed to make a confession without admitting guilt. I admire her more than ever for such a contradictory skill.

"Raleigh," I say, my chest feeling lighter than it has in years, "you've always been my best friend. And you always will be. I've made a mess of everything, but I'm finally going to go make it right."

Raleigh blinks, looking more confused than ever, but that's all right. Someday, I hope she can accept that things can be simple between us again.

I don't wait for her response. I don't want her to feel pressured to wish me luck, and I already know she hates goodbyes. Instead, I turn down the road leading back into the city, and start walking.

I've only made it a few feet when I hear running footsteps behind me. Raleigh skids to a stop at my side and throws her arms around my shoulders, crushing me in a hug that soothes every ache left between us. I return it enthusiastically, the bubble inside me threatening to turn to laughter again.

We hold each other for a long time. If everything goes wrong, we might not ever see each other again. But at least we're getting to say goodbye in our own way this time. At least when we part we don't have to be suspicious, or wonder what if .

That sends a pang through me. Thomas will be mad I left. He might even be hurt. But I know this is the right thing to do, and I think he does too, whether he wants to admit it or not. Like Raleigh, his fear of losing made him clamp down harder on what was outside of his control. Unfortunately, none of us can live like that. I can't stay a prisoner locked up in his room forever, safe or no. But maybe, if all goes well, I can come back to him as an equal once more.

Raleigh gives me one final squeeze, then whispers in my ear, "I forgive you for doing the nasty with my brother." I snort hard, and she does too, but when she pulls back her face is screwed up into a comical grimace. "Just please- don't ever ever try to talk to me about it. I want to live in total ignorance."

"I promise I won't," I laugh, and we finally untangle from each other. It's hard to feel my smile fade, knowing I really am leaving this time. Raleigh's expression cools, though, and she takes a backward step up the road. There's a glassiness in her eyes that tells me the tears are coming again, and she isn't going to let me or anyone see them.

"One more thing," she says. "Don't come back here until your uncle is dead."

It's a cold thing to say, but she's not wrong to say it. If I can't either bring an end to the Speare estate or claim it for myself, then returning would be nothing short of an insult to Thomas and Raleigh, to Iris, to everyone here.

After a moment of silence to steady my voice, I nod and repeat, "I promise I won't."

Raleigh returns my nod, satisfied. Without another word, she goes back to the tunnel door and closes it behind her. It immediately disappears into the low hill it's cut into, the outside of the door being camouflaged by faux rocks and foliage. When I'm sure it's as hidden as it was before we passed through it, I turn back down the road and start hurrying back home.