32. Jessica

32

JESSICA

I opened my eyes from one of the most uncomfortable naps I've ever had to see Dylan sitting there. A tall red plastic cup sat on the little patio table between us. His face looked tight, and he squinted as he gazed out. For a minute, I forgot where I was. And then I remembered I had tried to run away, and I was waiting for a hotel room.

"Dylan? What are you doing here?" I asked. My voice sounded like a frog had moved into my throat.

He didn't turn his head to look at me. "I could ask you the very same thing, Jessica."

I tried to push myself into a more upright position, but whatever contortions I had done on the lounge chair, I wasn't capable. With a grunt, I lay back down.

Dylan's head snapped, and he turned his face to me. He looked bad. He hadn't been getting much sleep, and then I couldn't tell if it was anger or concern that etched the lines around his eyes and set his mouth in a straight line. After a moment of hard glaring, everything softened and he was out of his chair and by my side.

"Are you okay? Do you need help?" he asked.

I held out my hand. He took my hand and braced my back so I could pivot. He pulled my bag off the ground and propped it under my feet.

"I hurt. Pills are in there." I pointed to the bag.

He got my pills and handed me the cup full of water.

"Thank you," I said as I handed it back.

He was gentle and caring, and he was here.

"I was an idiot again, wasn't I?" I asked. I felt a wave of nausea threaten. I swallowed and realized I hadn't eaten anything yet this morning. All the crying I had already done wasn't being friendly on my insides. The feeling of sickness contributed to the hollow lack of self-worth that had embraced me.

"I don't know. I don't know why you thought you had to leave, and I don't understand why you came here," he said.

I didn't really understand why I had come here, either. I had been driving, struggling with my focus. I needed to get away, yet when it had come down to it, I still wanted to be near. I couldn't explain it. I had mostly driven on autopilot. "I came here because I couldn't think of anywhere else to go, and I remembered it wasn't a long walk to get into a room." I was quiet for a long while.

He glanced over at me. I dropped my eyes. It was hard to look at him. He looked like he was hurting, but I was hurting too.

I kept trying out different words in my head. ‘Your priority isn't me,' or ‘you picked finance over me.' I couldn't figure out the right words to say. I didn't know how to tell Dylan how utterly betrayed I felt when I came to the realization he was willing to work with Ryan. I could barely walk, and Dylan was already turning his back on the promises he'd made to protect me from Ryan.

"I made a stupid mistake leaving with Ryan. I was doing it because I thought I had to protect you, but all I did was put myself into a really dangerous situation."

Dylan closed his eyes and nodded. His silence made me nervous, as did his nodding in agreement.

I continued. "But that was me being dumb. What you did was intentional."

Dylan froze. He went utterly still for a few breaths of time, and then he narrowed his eyes and turned toward me. This time, when his eyes flashed at me, I saw anger there.

"What did I do? I haven't done anything, Jessica. Nothing has changed. But for some reason, you think I have done something intentionally to hurt you. Don't you know by now that I would never hurt you? What do you think I have done?" he demanded.

I gulped. It was hard to swallow. My throat and mouth were completely dry. I reached for the water. My insides twisted when he reached for it first and held it out to me. He was still taking care of me. Why?

I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "You picked Ryan over me."

"I did what?" He practically yelled as he launched to his feet.

I flinched away from him.

"Where did you get that crazy idea from? I have been slaving away all week because I refuse to have anything to do with him. I finally get a deal together that I'm confident my investors won't balk at. I leave Sarah at the office pulling it all together for me so I can take a lunch break, and when I go home so I can finally see you and Max while you're awake, I discover you've disappeared. No one knows where you've gone, or why." He sat back down, dropping his weight into the chair before burying his face in his hands. "Why, Jessica? I don't understand."

"But I heard you on the phone," I said. I closed my eyes and groaned. "I heard you. You didn't want me to, but I did. I tried to text you, and you brushed me off like a fly." I started crying. I didn't want to cry, but everything hurt from my feet to my heart. I had messed up again.

Dylan stared at me. His expression was blank. I couldn't figure out what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I said as I tried and failed at curbing my tears.

He didn't raise his voice. He didn't even sound angry. He sounded tired, and maybe sad. "What did you hear? What do you think you heard?"

"You said you would suck it up and make it work. That's because you have to work with Ryan, right?"

He laughed. His flat, expressionless face melted into a smile and he actually laughed. He was out of his chair and on his knees next to me. He reached out, and for the first time, he tenderly brushed the tears from my cheeks. "And you thought that meant I went back on my word to you?"

I nodded.

He leaned in and kissed my forehead and then each of my eyelids. "You're right. I didn't want you to hear because I thought you were asleep and I didn't want to disturb you. I was pissed that Robertson had called so early. But it's not because I was agreeing to work on Carmichael's project. I am not so desperate that I would ever choose working with that man over you. Ever. I love you. That means something to me. It means you come first. You are my priority. It means when you aren't around and I can't find you, I panic. Do you have any idea how scared I was when I got home and no one could tell me where you were?"

"I'm sorry." It really was all I could say. I had no excuses. I overreacted and ran.

"You don't have to be sorry for being scared. I can't even begin to imagine how much that must have terrified you, to think that I was in a position to have to continue to do business with Ryan Carmichael. Jessica"—he got up and slid behind me on the lounge, wrapping his arms around me—"I didn't respond to your texts because you have a way of texting when I need to focus on work. I was in the middle of reviewing the numbers from a potential new partner this morning. What you heard was me pushing back against someone trying to sneak through a bad decision. It was talk about making promises before I saw any data. I'd let the investors walk and fold my company before I would ever work with the man who hurt you." There was an edge to his voice, lacing it with emotion.

"Really?"

He was being so thoughtful, so understanding. I started crying again. What else could I do? I had messed up and almost ruined everything. I wouldn't have blamed him for being angry. But he wasn't. He might have been concerned, and a little disappointed, but he wasn't actually angry with me.

Dylan wrapped his arms around me and held me so I could bury my face against his shoulder and sob. I still hurt. My body and my mind just ached with everything I had put myself through. I don't know what I did to deserve this man, but I needed to start doing better. I didn't need to have paranoid reactions to made-up scenarios in my head.

I was disappointed in myself for having jumped to conclusions that, now that I really thought about it, made no sense whatsoever. My feet hurt. I just wanted everything to go away. Dylan's arms and chest were all I needed for comfort at that moment. He gently stroked my hair and made soft, soothing sounds.

Despite everything, this moment was wonderful and I didn't want it to end. I never wanted him to let me go. I settled, and the tears eased away. Eventually, I just sat, curled up against Dylan, listening to his even breathing and the steady beat of his heart. The sun warmed the pool area, and I was content.

"What time do you have to leave?" I asked, knowing that this moment between us would have to end and we would have to get back to reality. After all, he was in the middle of some big deal.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said.

"But your proposal thing?" I asked.

"I'll call Sarah in a bit and ask her to forward it to Robertson. He can wrap it up, get it to the investors."

"Isn't that your job?" I asked.

His chest jumped with a soft chuckle. "My job right now is to make sure you know how much I love you and need you. You need me to hold you, so that's my job."

"Even if it means staying with me?" I asked.

"Jessica, I'm staying with you for as long as you need me."

"What if I need you forever?"