30. Jessica

30

JESSICA

I was aware of Dylan getting into bed with me. I think I remembered a kiss. And in that fuzziness that is pain medication-assisted sleep, he was dressed and leaving for work. I rolled over and expected to fall right back to sleep. After all, I was mostly there already.

I heard Dylan talking. Max must have woken up early, or the nanny was here for the day. I didn't pay much attention other than to just listen to the sounds he made. I loved the deep rumble of his voice. It didn't matter what the words were. I just needed the sound.

None of the words made any sense, which was fine. I wasn't trying to listen to his conversation, anyway.

But then he said, "I'll suck it up and figure out a way to deal with it."

I don't know why those words stuck with me, but they did. I tried to go back to sleep, but every time I got close to that magical tipping point of not being conscious, Dylan's words came back to me.

"… a way to deal with it."

"… suck it up…"

Deal with what?

I didn't so much roll over as I threw my entire body to the side. I had to fight the pillows between my legs and make sure my feet were elevated. It became an ordeal. I finally understood the concept of tossing and turning. It was a violent attempt at seeking comfort.

As soon as I thought I had found a position to settle into, his words popped right back into my head. I knew he was having to come up with a replacement plan for his investors, but what if…?

No. I refused to accept that as a possibility.

Dylan made promises to me, and I trusted him. The pain medication had to be making me unable to properly focus, so I was obsessing over some words that I had no context for. I really just wanted to go to sleep.

Eventually, I gave up. I leaned over the side of the bed and found the padded walking boots. I got up and slowly got myself to the bathroom. It was a relief to be back in bed and take those boots off. I got comfortable, rearranged the pillows and the blankets so I was cradled in a soft, warm nest. I nestled in, my eyelids drifted down, and then they shot up.

I had perfect clarity, and I was wide awake. Of course Dylan would be pissed if he had to work with Ryan. That had to be why he said he wouldn't like it. That's what he was going to have to suck up and deal with.

"Oh, God, no," I groaned. No, no, no, no, no. There was no way he could accept the proposal after everything.

How could he do this to me? Ryan ditched me in the middle of the country. My feet were missing a significant layer of skin. I had stitches because of that man.

I sat up and let my mind spin out of control. It was the only logical thing. What else could Dylan be talking about?

I was really stupid. I had let my emotions run away with me. I'd let his pretty words blind me to the fact that Dylan was a businessman and he would do what he needed to ensure he continued to make the big bucks that paid for a houseful of staff, a live-in nanny, and a private nurse for his mother.

After debating with myself whether or not I should confirm my suspicions with Dylan, I grabbed my phone. I was too old to play these games. I texted him.

What were you complaining about this morning? Everything all right at work?

That was a good, open-ended question that should prompt him to tell me anything about Ryan.

I chewed on my nail and waited for his response. He was taking forever. I texted more.

I wanted to check in and make sure the proposal you needed to pull together is working out.

This time, he responded immediately. We'll talk when I get home.

We'll talk? What did that mean?

Why wasn't he telling me more? Why did I have to wait? This wasn't good.

I texted him back. What does that mean? What do you have to tell me?

It means we will talk when I get home. Rest, Jessica. I'll see you tonight.

I stared at his message. Why was he telling me to rest? What tone of voice was he texting me in? Why was he brushing me off?

My gut clenched, and I suddenly had a very bad feeling about all of this. He was signing the deal with Ryan. I just knew it. He didn't want to tell me. That's why he had been hiding at his office all week. He was avoiding me.

Well, if that's what he thought he needed to do, then maybe I didn't need to be here. How could I stay with him if he was capable of working with Ryan after everything?

I grabbed my boots and shoved them on my feet a little too vigorously.

"Ow, ow, damn it!" I dissolved in a puddle of tears. My feet hurt. My heart hurt. I was convinced in my soul that I had overheard Dylan accept that he would have to work with Ryan whether he liked it or not.

I had to leave. I had to remove myself from this situation. I couldn't get caught between the two of them again if they came to blows. And they would fight, no doubt about that. I wasn't safe anywhere near Ryan. This time, he had simply left me on the side of the road. Statistics always showed the second time was always so much worse, and frequently, fatal. I didn't want to be a statistic.

Breathing through my mouth, I forced myself to walk into the bathroom to grab my pills before I headed across the hall. Each step was a unique kind of agony. I had walked too much the day before, and I was suffering for it now.

I stepped into the nursery. Not hearing anything coming from Max's room, I hurried into our giant shared closet and grabbed as many of my belongings as I could and shoved them into a bag. Thinking I heard his nanny's voice, I rushed with great pain into my room and closed the door. I slipped a dress on and grabbed my purse and car keys.

Staring at the keys, I realized that the last time I saw my car, it was still parked at the hotel. Then I remembered Dylan hired his assistant's son to help him bring my car home. Home. Well, maybe not any longer.

I listened at my bedroom door. I didn't hear anything. Maybe they had already gone down for breakfast. I needed to get out of the house as fast as I could, which wasn't fast at all. With each agonizing step, I told myself I had to do this. My heart was breaking and I was crying. I just wanted to collapse on the ground and die, but I forced myself to take another step.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I should text Dylan again and… what, have him lie to me some more? No, I was doing what was best for me. I needed to get some distance from him, from the confusing thoughts.

It seemed like forever to get to my car, and somehow, no one stopped me. I wasn't moving very fast, and no one noticed. I slid into my car. With the extra thick boots on, the sensory feedback I relied on for driving was missing. I either pushed too hard or not enough on the gas pedal.

And every time I hit the brakes, it was a full stop, slam on the brakes situation. My driving progress was jerky and haphazard. I was lucky I didn't get pulled over. Then again, there were enough bad drivers and tourists in the area that I just blended right in.

I didn't know where to go. I was running away from Dylan and not toward anything.

Without any better ideas, I drove to the Valley Verge. I don't know why I picked that place. Maybe I figured it would be the last place Dylan would look for me, I don't know.

I limped my way into the lobby and up to the front desk.

"Checking out?" the desk clerk asked.

"No, I'm checking in. I just got here." I was confused.

"Sorry, it's early and most people I talk to are checking out. Do you have a reservation with us?"

I shook my head.

"Not a problem, we have several rooms that will be available," she said as she typed into her computer system.

"Do you have something close to the front? I can't walk very far," I admitted.

"Let's see… Yes, I do. Uh, so check-in isn't until two P.M. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to have your room before that, and I don't have any availability for an early check-in."

I fought back tears. I really just wanted to get into a room and go back to bed and cry and sleep and forget the world as I knew it existed. And I really didn't want to cry in front of this woman. I needed to get off my feet. "Two? Could I, I don't know, sit in one of the lounge chairs by the pool until my room is ready?"

"Yes, of course. Let's get you into the system, then once the room is ready, it will be a simple matter of getting you a key."

I gave her my credit card and waited while she did her hotel management stuff to get my room booked.

She handed my card back. "You're all set. I've got one of the rooms close to the front reserved for you. Housekeeping will have everything ready by two. If that changes, I'll be sure to let you know."

"Thank you," I managed before I limped away.

I winced and said ‘ow' with every step I took. Walking across the lobby and out to the patio was a slow, painful process. I shouldn't have been on my feet, and I definitely should not have pushed myself to walk this much.

The sun hadn't warmed up the patio area yet, and it still had that chill of morning clinging to it. I practically collapsed on the first lounge I encountered. Later, I could move to one under an umbrella, but right now, I just wanted to lie down. Hopefully, I would pass out from exhaustion, and then I wouldn't be stuck here overthinking whether I had made another stupid mistake.

I thought Dylan loved me. How could he have agreed to do the project with Ryan, and why had I blindly trusted him?