42. Chapter 42

Chapter forty-two

Kelsey

I could hear them. Hear their whispering as they crept past my door and to Juliette's room. The idea of them screwing threatened to make me throw up again. If I thought my head was pounding during my walk of shame, the sight of my dad with his shirt off, picking up after whatever the hell they did last night made it split in half.

How could she? She was supposed to be there for me. She was supposed to answer when I called. She promised.

She promised.

My skull felt like my thoughts were clanging around in there, banging against their enclosure ruthlessly. I shouldn't have drunk so much. I shouldn't have done a lot of the things I did the night before.

And neither should they.

I hated myself. Hated the hot tears that snuck onto my pillow. Caleb knocked on my door and all I could think was fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck You! as I ignored him and cried myself to sleep.

I woke to a bottle of water and some pills on my nightstand. I felt violated. How dare either of them come into my room? How dare they pretend to care for me when they were—

My room.

The thought twisted my face. Two words that meant so much, and suddenly nothing at all. I downed the pills and the water. My throat felt like sandpaper. I checked my phone. Rehearsal was long over, and I had more than a dozen texts teasing me about my hangover. Which also meant Juliette was home.

Miss Juliette. She wasn't my friend .

Why did all the adults in my life betray me? Why was I so insignificant that they didn't care? Why wasn't I more important than their own selfish wants? Why didn't I matter enough?

I cried until there was nothing inside of me but an emptiness, dark and steadfast. What would happen now? They'd be together and then break up? Dad would force Juliette out of my life? How long had they been… ew, I didn't even want to think about it.

Yet, the questions were relentless. And each train of thought always ended the same.

Why wasn't I ever important enough for the adults to put me first?

Nausea rolled up my esophagus and I bolted for the bathroom. I wretched until my eyes watered.

"You okay?" a gentle voice soothed from the doorway.

I slammed the door shut with my foot and gripped the porcelain sink to steady the room. Splashing cold water on my face, I fought the lingering dizziness. I avoided my reflection in the mirror and passed the two of them on my way back to bed. They stood there, in the hallway, like two puppies who'd shit the bed.

Fuck them, I thought as I curled up in bed once more.

There was no where else to go.

I was alone again. It was a fact, not a feeling. Proven over and over that I would never be enough for someone to love. They always needed someone else. Someone more.

Did they stop to think about how this would all go down? Poor little Kelsey, whose mom never loved her, now has a dad who's fucking the only adult she cared about. That cared about her? I couldn't even fathom how they'd started sleeping together.

Countless memories of them, of us, like nothing was happening. Not a hint or trace of a relationship going on right under my nose. Except all those times he stayed after I went to bed. When he held her while she was sick. I thought they liked each other. Not—I shuddered— gross .

Had they been together this whole time?

I hid for hours, listening to Caleb and Juliette shuffling around downstairs, waiting for me. I didn't want to face them. I couldn't.

My phone dinged around seven and I read their message to me a dozen times.

Dinner is ready. Do you want us to bring it up? We are ready to talk when you are, and we want you to know that we love you, no matter what. We didn't mean for any of this to happen. Please come downstairs. But we understand if you aren't ready for that.

I heard them writing that text. Strained my hearing enough to listen to all their back and forth over who should send it and how would I react. They must have spent ten minutes writing it. Locking myself in this room had been poor judgement. Unless I wanted to break my leg jumping out of the window, I would have to emerge from the dungeon of my own creation, eventually.

Not today.

Sourly, I ate the crackers they'd left on my nightstand. Then laid down and fell into a deep sleep.

I woke up with my stomach growling. I could hear them pacing downstairs still, even though it was well past midnight.

I was starving.

Fine. I was a big girl. Always the practical one. Always so mature for my age. So, I took the stairs cautiously, unprepared again to clean up the mess the adults in my life had made. The way they jumped apart and forced their smiles pissed me off.

"We made bolognese." Juliette hurried to the stove.

My favorite meal. I frowned when I saw that they'd gone out and bought fresh pasta to go along with it, too. Our chairs screamed against the wood floors as we settled down, like we had for months, and ate.

The tense silence stretched on, the clanging of silverware and porcelain deafening. It felt like the first night. Tension so thick I could feel it pressing in on all sides .

Caleb cleared his throat and I prepared myself for whatever asinine thing he was going to say. "I didn't mean to fall in love with her. It just happened."

Love.

"I know you're shocked, and angry. You feel betrayed. But, we just," Juliette's voice was so quiet, scared.

Their hands were locked together, so tightly their knuckles were white and fingertips red from the pressure of their grasp. Tears streamed down Juliette's cheeks, and she wiped them away, avoiding my gaze. Her eyes were puffy. She'd been crying for a long time.

"Trust me," she continued. "I really, really, didn't want to like him. For your sake. And then, I'm sorry," she wiped her tears again.

Suddenly, bolognese was made of sandpaper.

How didn't I see it before? Caleb looked at her, pained by her pain. Encouraging her to speak for them both with a nod.

"We were going to tell you. But you've been through so much and it felt wrong, to be with each other," Juliette continued.

I stopped her right there, "So, why'd you keep going if you knew it was wrong? How long have you been together?"

"Because we're selfish," Caleb blurted.

"Since the day before we painted the studio," Juliette said at the same time.

My stomach bottomed out.

"It just happened," Caleb added swiftly. "It was like an addiction. I kissed her first. It's my fault. And we kept saying we'd stop, and put our feelings aside, because of you, because you didn't deserve to be lied to."

My stomach clenched like I was going to vomit.

Because of me.

Because I didn't deserve to be lied to.

My fault.

Me.

As the words traveled up my esophagus they felt enormous, like they were choking me from the inside. My face twisted as I held back tears. I refused to cry. "But you did it anyway. And you're in love? Just like that. "

They had the gall to look at each other and say, "Yes," in unison.

"And you didn't think about how I felt about this?"

It was Caleb's turn to make sense of this, without making any sense at all. "At first, we tried to stop it, the feelings we had for each other. Because we knew we shouldn't. Then we made a really bad decision. And then, it was more than," his voice dropped, "It was always more than."

Juliette's voice quivered, "We didn't mean for this to happen. We were going to tell you when you were better. When you were happy."

I considered that for a long time. They allowed me the silence to think. I'd spent the afternoon putting it all together—their friendship that wasn't a friendship at all. Whether I was important enough for two people to simply not date. Whether it was fair that I wished it never happened.

"What's going to happen when you get tired of each other?" I asked.

They exchanged a glance. Caleb spoke first, "If anything happens, it'll be Juliette leaving me."

She blushed and shook her head. The prickle of tears stung my eyes.

"We don't have to think about that. Not every relationship ends." Juliette took a shaky breath.

"If it does?" I pressed.

"We still love you the same," she replied. "What goes on between us doesn't change that you're the most important thing in our lives."

"You're not my mom."

I hurt her. Immediately her tears flowed, cheek turned to the kitchen, and I wanted to take it all back. She was more of a mother to me than Erin was.

Through shaky breath she said, "No, but I see you as my daughter. I always have, long before this whole thing."

"Just like all your other students."

"No! Not like them at all. I always loved you more."

"Because I'm talented!" My bottom lash line stung and my vision started to blur.

"Because you needed someone to love you." Juliette stood, rounded the table and I let her wrap those familiar hands around mine. Breathed in the scent that was safer to me than my real mother. She always smelled so good, I frowned, remembering her story about her first pas class and how she reeked. The one she told the day they decided they were more important.

Her eyes bore into mine. "I'm so sorry I missed your calls and your texts. That'll never happen again. I'm so ashamed of myself." She pulled me in tight. I tried to push back, but some primal piece of me allowed her to cling to me.

I sobbed into her embrace, angry and hurt, and scared. Afraid to love her the way I did. Trust her so much that she could hurt me the way this hurt.

The pain was so familiar and profound, so etched into the essence of my soul, that I changed the subject altogether. "I shouldn't have gone to that party," I admitted.

"It's okay. We can talk about that tomorrow," she sniffled, squeezing me tighter. "I'm never going to leave you, Kelsey. I'm in this for life. Until you kick me out, and even then I'll be there for you when you come back."

I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe her. But what if she chose Caleb over me in the end?

Tears flowed as I tried to stop the conversation, the emotions, the uncertainty of it all. They might decide right now that they didn't love me after all. I dropped my head in shame. "There are videos of me dancing going around. Dancing with guys, and girls."

"What kind of dancing?" Caleb asked quietly after a torturous silence.

"What do you think?" I spat.

"I'll handle it. I know a guy." Caleb said. "I just need the phone numbers and a few account names."

"I'm not naked or anything, I think, but I'm really drunk and it's embarrassing. It could ruin my career."

"He's in the city, I'll take it to him. Maybe we can all go in, catch a show while he does his thing?"

I felt the daggers Juliette threw at him in her glare .

"What? It's just a suggestion. If I'm going in, we might as well make a day of it."

"The last time we went out we ended up puking for a weekend," I mumbled into Juliette's chest. We all chuckled humorlessly at that.

"We'll make it a do over." Caleb's tone was hopeful, his expression open and hesitant.

I was angry at him. How could he be optimistic even now? Why hadn't I inherited that from him? From my perspective, everything was a disgusting mess.

He proceeded to do what he did best: speak without thinking and with the tact of a bull in a china shop. "Is it so bad that Juliette and I are together?"

"Caleb!" Juliette scolded.

It was. It was awful because even though I was hurting, a little flame, no bigger than that of a birthday candle, had sparked. Alive and flickering with this insane warmth. Small and vulnerable to any little puff of wind to snuff it out. Burning despite the cold possibility that whatever became of us all, could end. That the little flame wouldn't grow, wouldn't withstand the test of time. That it, too, would blow away with the wind and evaporate into smoke. Leaving behind nothing but an acrid smell and a dusting of soot upon the chronology of my life.

"I don't know," I replied, honestly. "I don't like it," I said for lack of better words to express myself.

"Kelsey, we're sorry we didn't tell you. I'm sorry you had to see that," Juliette said. Caleb traced the lines in the tablecloth. "We were planning on keeping it a secret from everyone. Until you were ready."

"You shouldn't have to hide because of me," I mumbled. I didn't truly agree with, or mean it. But it was the logical thing to say. The logical way to feel.

No one spoke for a long time again. We sat in the uncomfortable stillness of time after midnight. In the space between learning and accepting the truth.

"Are you moving in with us or is he moving in with you?" I asked, finally .

"Oh, we are not at that point," Juliette replied.

"You said you love each other."

"We haven't talked about it."

"So, you haven't thought this through?" They both burned red, and I questioned (not for the first time) who the adults were in the room.

Juliette

"We thought we had more time before you found out," Caleb said, rubbing the back of his neck. This man, I could skewer him. He never thought before he spoke, and that honesty, that openness… I loved him for it.

"What he means is, before we told you," I said. Kelsey shook her head, rolled her eyes and folded her hands in her lap. I took the seat next to her and forced my hand in hers again. I gripped her untrusting fingertips in mine. "None of us were ready for any of this. We screwed up and let ourselves get too close. But I don't regret it. Your father is a good person, and we get along," she cut me off with a scoff, "I know, it doesn't look like it. But we do. And I'm sorry."

"I was going to mention it in therapy," Caleb said. "I guess now we should probably all go together."

"Now you don't have to move in with him," I offered Kelsey a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Caleb took the tiny light put it through a copy machine. "And you have a lifetime of ammo against us. Anything you ever want, any argument ever, you just have to bring up how we lied about this one really huge, irresponsible thing, and I basically have to give you whatever you want. You can never lose."

I gave Caleb my best stop it , glare. "What Caleb is saying here is that nobody here knows what we're doing, so let's just follow our hearts. I like to think we were brought together for a reason. "

"I'm so angry at you."

"We deserve that."

"You owe me, like, at least a vacation home or something because this was a really shitty thing to lie about. And hide. I can't even be mad without being the asshole because how can someone stay mad that two people fell in love?"

"Your feelings are valid," Caleb and I said in unison.

"I'm trying really hard to be mature about this. But really, I don't want to talk to either of you."

The conversation ended there. Three people, thrown together by circumstance, making the best out of a terrible situation. Kelsey had no more to say. I had too much to say. Caleb was wise enough to say no more. Dinner sat cold in our plates. Exposure therapy was our only option, as we sat in the excruciatingly painful feelings that hovered between us all.

Celeb's phone vibrated on the table. His voice was soft, and hesitant. "Can you bring me your phone, Kelsey? My friend sent me his address."

Caleb

I returned, red-eyed and yawning, the next morning with Kelsey's phone. Ready to report that all socials had been wiped (some privacy and data laws had been broken), I entered silently because I expected them to be sleeping. Instead, I saw the glow of the house lights, the sun hardly breaking the horizon behind Juliette's home.

I parked and rubbed my throbbing temples. I couldn't believe how careless I had been. How reckless. With everything out in the open, I still replayed Friday night in my head while imagining a different outcome. If I had just stayed awake, or woken up half an hour earlier. Hell, fifteen minutes earlier! I could have pretended I was there to pick her up for a run. Or that I was bringing Juliette breakfast after a run. Something. Anything.

Another lie to string like beads on a very long necklace that turned out to have been a noose.

I took a deep breath and braced myself for Kelsey's disappointment. For that broken trust that was, in every way, our fault. But I loved her, and that had to count for something.

I loved them both.

It had to count for something.

I found them on the living room sectional, watching television, about as bleary-eyed as I was at almost five in the morning.

Kelsey jumped up from the couch first. She blurted, "Was he able to fix it?"

I dropped my keys on the counter. Then almost forgot that this wasn't my home because my first instinct was to get myself a glass of water and begin the ritual of coming home. I halted my steps to the cupboard and faced Kelsey. "Everything is clean that could be cleaned. He's set up ad artificial intelligence thing to scan for the most damning videos, is they'll be reported and taken dow if they're ever uploaded anywhere. I think you're in the clear."

"Thank you," Kelsey said, coming toe to toe with me. She held out her hand as I fished the phone out of my pocket.

"None of it was as bad as you think. Embarrassing, maybe, but that's about it." I had spent the better part of the drive home weighing whether to let her know the next bit. I decided she had a right to know. "I have a file that has every picture, video, message, and private message about the other night on a flash drive. Nobody said anything cruel. I don't think they were going to do anything with the videos, if that makes it better. You can see it if you want, but I think it's best you don't know. Overall, it was harmless. Mostly, they couldn't believe you were having fun."

I had read through the messages as my friend's program did its thing, and her classmates were more concerned on whether this incident was the beginning of a spiral for Kelsey. They talked extensively about how she'd gone out because of her mother and then gossiped about Erin and Kelsey. Teenagers are ruthless, though, and they hadn't said anything Kelsey hadn't already thought herself. She didn't need to know her friends talked that way about her situation and pitied her for it.

It was a small mercy that this generation wasn't as awful as when I grew up.

Kelsey considered the offer carefully and shook her head. "I don't want to know. Is it deleted off of their phones, too?"

"Yeah."

"How?" she asked.

"There was a glitch and that's all that matters," I said, as instructed.

"So, you're in that kind of tech development?" Juliette asked from the couch.

"I know a guy." I shrugged. A silence, as awkward as could be expected descended upon us. I shifted from side to side and thought about that glass of water again.

"Therapy is going to be crazy this week," Kelsey deadpanned while scrolling her socials.

"I don't think Dr. Liu is going to be very proud of me," I said mimicking her tone.

From across the room, Juliette echoed us both, "I think Dr. Liu is going to kill me. I didn't do anything she told me to do since I last saw her."

Kelsey snorted.

Then something magical happened. We all started to laugh.