11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven

Caleb

Therapy was going swell.

We spent the first half hour with a silent teenager and my pathetic word vomit. Which was only marginally better than the swift downward spiral into me begging Kelsey to say something, anything. "I feel like you aren't even giving me a chance. We live together and you haven't said a full sentence to me."

Kelsey winced after the longest awkward silence yet. "I don't want to talk to you. The only thing I want to know about you is why didn't you sign me over to Miss Juliette? Then we'd both be off the hook to this mess."

It wasn't that I didn't know it was coming, or that I hadn't already imagined her saying this. It was the way she said it, with the calm viciousness of a viper. She didn't get that from me. Delivering venom on a sweet tongue was Erin's special talent.

I looked pathetically over to Dr. Liu.

"Who is Miss Juliette?" the therapist interjected before I could reply to Kelsey. Her pen tapped the notepad, no doubt jotting down how much Kelsey hated me. Considering how far she sat away from me, she might as well have just sat on the other sofa. It would have visually complemented her emotions better.

Kelsey answered. "My dance teacher. She said she'd take me in, but Caleb refused."

"Can you tell me about that?"

Kelsey clammed up again. I started to tell the story and Dr. Liu shut me up with a gentle, "I'd like to hear it from Kelsey. "

Kelsey concentrated on a spot on the floor. "When I realized Mom wasn't coming back. I went snooping in Mom's room and found the note. I took it to Miss Juliette. She called Caleb for me while I packed a bag to stay with her. He was never supposed to take me in. The plan was to make him come and sign over guardianship to Miss Juliette."

"Before we dive into your previous question, Kelsey, what made you turn to Juliette?" Dr. Liu asked.

Kelsey picked at the skin around her fingernails, her leg still bouncing.

That, she got from me. I made the conscious effort to stop my own leg from jittering up and down.

"I don't know. It felt like the right thing to do. She," Kelsey's voice cracked, and she steeled herself, "She would know what to do."

"Would you say you felt safe?"

She nodded.

"How do you feel around your father?"

Kelsey caught her tears before they rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head and stared out of the window, arms crossed, biting her lip so hard I worried she would bleed.

"Caleb, I'm sensing that you would you like to say something?" Dr. Liu prompted.

I turned to face Kelsey head on. I'd said this to Dr. Liu when we first sat down, but maybe if I said it directly to Kelsey, she'd hear me. "I didn't know. You have to believe me. I would never, ever, have abandoned you. Your mom and I, we wouldn't be together, but I would have been here for you."

How many times would I have to repeat this before someone would believe me?

"We did just fine without you. Mom didn't want you here for a reason. Why should I trust you?"

I said nothing in return. What could I say to that?

Kelsey's bottled-up rage started to gain pressure, readying itself to burst. I could feel it in the crescendo and rhythm of her voice. "You didn't even believe yourself. You asked for a paternity test." One would think that a teenager would be yelling, but Kelsey was much more terrifying. She kept all that rage under control and her voice at an acceptable volume. Her emotions were hidden, instead, behind the quickness of her words and tightness of her lips. She'd only raised her voice slightly, which was somehow more threatening than if she'd just scream at me and get it over with.

I interjected to defend myself. "Erin—Mom—cheated on me all the time."

Kelsey gave a mock smile. "Yeah, well, I'm not living with you and your girlfriend." Kelsey snapped her mouth shut.

That sent me reeling backwards. "Vikki? Is all this about Vikki?" I stuttered for a beat. I'd forgotten to even mention Vikki. A wave of shame, guilt, and shock followed. I didn't have time right then to dissect the matter of forgetting to mention a whole life I had back in California. I was still struggling to come up with something to say.

"Forget it," she clenched her jaw so tightly that I could see her muscles straining with the effort. She blinked rapidly, fighting tears. Kelsey whispered, "I really don't want to live with you."

My heart sank to my feet. Dr. Liu looked as if she were about to intervene. I spoke before she could. "I know you don't. If you'd give me a crumb of a chance, maybe we'd get along. What can I do to make this easier for you?"

Kelsey wiped a rogue tear that fell down her cheek aggressively and took a shaky breath. "I don't know. This is so unfair. I just want to live with Miss Juliette. Ana's mom said she won't get involved."

"You've been asking other people to take you in?" My voice bled with a pain I didn't feel entitled to.

Kelsey finally cracked and shouted, eyes on the outdoors. "I don't know you!"

"You don't want to know me," I said a little too quickly. "I'm trying."

Kelsey turned to me then. She looked shocked, as if I had said something that wasn't the plain truth.

"Can you elaborate, Mr. Ramirez?"

"When I pick you up and drop you off. I asked you to eat dinner with me every night so that we can get to know each other, and you either eat in your room or are nowhere to be found at all. You don't even tell me where you are most of the time. How are you passing judgement on me? Is it my hair? My sense of fashion? I ended up cleaning the studio with Juliette last night because I thought you were there, but you were with Ana. She's texting with FedEx guy, by the way. If you ever talked to me you would know."

"She told you about FedEx Man?"

That's what she gathered from all the guts I spilled out?

I let out an exasperated sigh. "Yes. So, if you would just talk to me, we would have something to say."

"Who is FedEx Man?" Dr. Liu's pen was poised and ready for action.

"Miss Juliette has a crush on him, and they were supposed to go out," Kelsey said as if it explained everything.

"She's still avoiding going out with him," I informed Kelsey.

Dr. Liu narrowed her eyes as if in deep thought as she witnessed Kelsey and my short-lived reprieve from gut-spilling. Kelsey made a face and I shrugged and made a face like I was saying, See? I've got intel.

"Are you and Miss Juliette friends?" Dr. Liu asked me.

I didn't know what we were.

I couldn't admit in front of Kelsey that I resented her love for Juliette and that Juliette resented me for staying and insisting I be a father. Also couldn't admit we had formed a sort of emergency alliance. Juliette told me earlier this morning to let everyone think therapy was my idea. A little white lie to manipulate the tides to my favor for the greater good. Juliette and I were not friends, but we were quickly spinning a sticky web that resembled cordial tolerance.

"She's the one who helped us settle in together." Not quite an answer. Not quite a lie.

"Is she involved now?"

I looked at Kelsey, who was tightlipped. I didn't know how much was said between them. Her allegiance to Juliette was far more — existent— than her allegiance to me, which didn't exist at all.

"She and Kelsey are very close. She and I are friendly."

"Would you be open to Miss Juliette becoming more involved?" Dr. Liu asked.

"We talked about that last night. She agreed to come over for dinner on Saturday."

Kelsey's brow knit together.

"I'm not relinquishing custody," I said. "If that's what your goal is, Kelsey."

"I'm not an object to claim," Kelsey said brusquely.

"What do you want? We're both in this together. I want to be here."

"Well, I don't. I want to live with Juliette!"

"So, if I let you live with Juliette, you'll give a real effort to get to know me?"

Dr. Liu cut us both off. The train was zooming past the station. "Mr. Ramirez, I don't think hypotheticals are constructive currently. It's true, sometimes trust can be built at a distance. Let's keep this session rooted in reality, though. You lived with Juliette for a time, correct?"

Kelsey nodded.

I interjected with a stupendously bright idea that I didn't think through for more than the nanosecond it took me to cook it up. "I could make it a reality."

"I can move out?"

"I'll ask tonight," I said. The train was going top speed away from me too, apparently. This wasn't exactly how I saw this session going. I'd come in with this fantasy of a huge breakthrough and maybe some weeping and promises to be a family.

Dr. Liu did not look very pleased. "Wait, let's talk about this. Kelsey, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that she may not want to come between you two. She may not want to be involved." Dr. Liu cautioned.

"She offered when mom left. The only reason we called Caleb was because Mom signed me over to him."

I ignored both of them and continued with my possibly, most likely, horrible plan. "I have conditions. If Juliette says yes, you make a real effort to be nice to me. Also, I want you to look at houses with me. So when we move back in together it will be our own space."

"That's manipulative!" Kelsey protested.

"Please," I begged. "Just come look with me. I'll buy whatever house you want."

She didn't answer for a long time, and Dr. Liu looked back and forth between us like she was watching a tennis match. She didn't address the manipulation comment, which made me think, perhaps I was being manipulative. "I can't sleep on a couch forever, and I don't want to move into your mother's old room."

"Let's slow down, everyone. Perhaps, allowing Kelsey to be with an adult she trusts will allow you both to have time to adjust to one another. However, let's keep in mind the goal. We are all here to see you two come to peace under one roof. Perhaps a two-week period is appropriate with homework between sessions?" Dr. Liu checked her watch. "I don't necessarily agree with this plan because, Kelsey," she turned her voice warm and soft, "you cannot allow this to make you think you can force Caleb out of your life. He is still, and forever will be, your biological father. Until you are eighteen, you are in his care. From what I can see, and you can't deny this, he wants to be in your life. I'm afraid living with Juliette will give you false hope that this situation will change."

It dawned on Kelsey. The permanence of this. The spark of light in her eyes from the prospect of moving out and away from me faded. Even if she did go with Juliette, she was still my kid. I wasn't letting her go. Somehow, hearing it from Dr. Liu stopped her leg from bouncing. Her arms unfolded and she wrung her fingers in her lap instead.

"Okay," Kelsey said, with a dignified nod.

"Okay?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah. If you let me live with Miss Juliette, I'll," she seemed to choke on the words, "try harder."

"That's all I ask."

Dr. Liu cleared her throat. "Well, then. This has been unconventional, but productive. I'll see each of you for individual sessions each week as well, yes?" We set up our weekly sessions and Dr Liu gave me a tight smile before I left.

On the way to the car I felt an overwhelming urge to apologize. "I'm sorry that I snapped at you in there." I fumbled with the keys and watched them drop to the pavement.

Kelsey bent to pick them up. She handed them to me, locked her eyes in mine, and said, "Whatever. It's fine."

"Do you want to take the rest of the day off school and go to a diner with me?"

"What about work?"

"I cleared my schedule except for a meeting at three. This is more important."

Kelsey's hands hovered at the door handle. "How did you know my mom?"

The question punched the air from my lungs. "Let's get something to eat. It's a long story."

"The Starburst Diner is the best in town." Kelsey's voice was so small, so hesitant, as if she were afraid to speak up. I gathered, that she probably was. She gave me the directions quietly beside me. We grabbed a table and ordered quickly.

"Your mother and I met in college."

"She said she didn't go to college."

"Maybe she never finished her degree," I said.

Strike one for trying to paint Erin in a favorable light.

"Your mom was very charismatic. Everyone either wanted to be with her, or be her. There was no in-between. We dated for six months before things got serious. I lived off-campus, and Erin moved in with me to save money for tuition. We lived together Spring semester our junior year. When I went home that summer, Erin kept the apartment. That fall, I found out that she was in a relationship with another guy—the one who she left me for. So, I guess they fell in love while I was gone." I took a deep breath. "He's the one in your baby album."

Kelsey was engrossed in the story, hardly blinking as she listened .

"I was pathetically in love with Erin. She cheated on me before that, but swore she would change. The Monday after Thanksgiving break that semester, she was gone. I came home from visiting my parents and she was gone." The sting of that abandonment still hurt. It still fed off of my deepest insecurity that I was never enough for anyone. I shook my head, "All her things. Everything. She disconnected her cell number. Social media wasn't what it is now, so I had no way of tracking her. Never knew she was pregnant. Well, until a few weeks ago. The only thing she left me was a note that said it was over, and she left with the other guy."

"What did you do to make her leave?"

Kelsey might as well have asked what she did to make Erin leave. I was willing to bet my portfolio that she was obsessing over every minute change in Erin during the weeks leading up to her abandonment. Afterall, I had done the exact same thing.

Stopping my fry's ascent to my lips, I bore my gaze into hers. She had to understand that which took me so long to come to terms with. "Nothing. I guess, after all the time I spent wondering why, my only answer was that I loved her too much. I asked her to marry me, you know." Kelsey's eyes widened.

We ate silently for a few bites as Kelsey thought about what I'd just told her. Her eyes remained fixed on her burger.

"I was really na?ve. The truth is, I'll never know why she left like that. Would have been nice to have a real break-up."

"You didn't try to find her?"

"She broke my heart. I wasn't going to go after her."

Kelsey nodded, as if to agree I'd done the right thing. She cleared her throat and asked cautiously, "Are your parents—my grandparents— still alive?"

"Yeah!" I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my pictures, glad for the change in subject. "I told them about you. I hope that's okay." For a split second, I thought I saw her lips twitch to a frown.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters? "

"One of each." I scrolled to a picture of their families, both happily married with a kid or two of their own. "I'm the middle child, and the only one unmarried."

"This is weird," Kelsey said, "looking at these people I'm technically related to."

"I can't imagine what it feels like."

Kelsey's expression was unreadable as ever. Again, any thoughts she might have were masterfully concealed behind her unmoving brow.

She was careful not to slide the phone back to me too quickly. A muscle in her jaw flexed, her eyes downturned. Seeing my family had been too overwhelming. Too real while we were suspended in this strange hiatus from her animosity towards me. I didn't want this semi-amicable conversation to end. I didn't want to take any more steps backwards.

What could I do about that, though? She'd have to know sometime. Even if I blasted off this planet tomorrow, she still needed to know she had blood relatives in California.

"You don't have to meet them anytime soon. Ever since my brother and sister had kids we've seen less of each other, but we're still close. I'm," I debated spilling anymore of my guts on the table, and decided it was better to shut down this whole line of conversation altogether. Kelsey was starting to look around the restaurant like she might bolt right out of her seat and run for it. "They've got their lives and time has a way of speeding past us. I can't even believe it's been a month."

Kelsey sighed. "I lied to everyone and said you were a friend of the family, even though everybody knows you're my bio-dad because I told Ana. Everyone pretends they don't know. It's," she paused, taking a sip if her soda, "bad."

"You'll tell the truth when you're ready. I'll go along with whatever you say." She looked up at me and I shrugged, adding nonchalantly, "This is a shit show. I wouldn't be rushing to be the topic of conversation if I were you either. It's like a train wreck, people can't look away. Oh, if only I could see the group chat now. You know, the one all my friends made without me in it. "

Kelsey blinked, then erupted in laughter. I joined her, and for a moment it felt good to call this what it was. A fucking mess. Perhaps if we both acknowledged it, conversation wouldn't be so horribly strained.

"I was in high school once, and now that you all have phones the rumor mill must be worse."

"You have no idea," she said with a weighted pause between the last two words. "What were you like in high school?"

Was this the first question she'd ever asked about me? I couldn't contain my smile. "I was a jock. I played everything."

Kelsey's face scrunched. "Ew. You would be."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you go running every day before school."

"It's a healthy habit. You should try it."

"No thanks."

"We can do it together, and since we're out of breath we won't even have to talk."

"Appealing," she replied sarcastically. "Not happening."

"Come on, please? It'll help your cardio for dance."

"Someone is going to see us."

"Call me your trainer."

"That I live with?"

"Technically you'll be living with Juliette."

She took a bite of her burger. "I'll try it once."

"You can't do it once. It only gets addictive after a week."

"Okay, a week."

"Deal."

We ate silently for a few minutes before I ventured out a little farther. "Do you need anything for school or dance? We can go shopping after lunch."

"No. I have everything I need."

"What about something you want?"

Kelsey's cheeks burned. "Mom hasn't paid Miss Juliette in a long time. I know it's a lot. It has to be. "

I raised my hand to stop her. "I'll square that away tonight. I've been trying to ask about tuition since I got here."

Kelsey twisted her fingers under the table. "It's going to be a lot. I can drop classes, or help out more to lower the cost."

I would hear none of that. "I'll take care of it. I also thought we should open a bank account for you, with a debit card."

"Why?"

"If you're out with your friends or boyfriend or whatever and you need money…"

Kelsey raised a brow and sent me a glare that could wither a houseplant. She got that from Juliette. "You're not slick. No, I don't have a boyfriend."

"I did get the information I wanted," I replied over the rim of my glass. Now for the hard stuff. "When was the last time you saw a doctor, or the dentist?"

"Mom always made sure I went to the doctor and dentist on time. She wasn't neglectful."

Wrong move. I had serious doubts as to Erin's motherly nature. Kelsey, however, took every opportunity to stand up for her and I had to keep that in mind.

"I'm sorry, I just had to ask. What about the, um, lady doctor? Have you seen that one?"

Kelsey turned as red as the retro glass ketchup bottle. She hissed. "Oh my God, Caleb. Don't ever ask me about my gyno appointments again. And no, there's no reason for me to see one."

"Okay. Alright. I'll do some googling. I don't know anything about fifteen-year-old girls."

"It shows."

We finished our burgers and fries. Juliette was right. Kelsey had a voracious appetite. I made a note to cook bigger portions for her from now on. "What's good here for dessert?"

Kelsey replied between the final bites of her fries. "The home-made apple pie."

"Vanilla ice-cream on top?" I asked, flagging down the waitress .

"Can I get a slice to take home? I'm stuffed."

"We'll both get it to take home. Maybe have it after dinner?"

My phone screen lit up. It was Juliette. I had asked her to call me when she had a moment. She'd texted me instead.

Can' t call. I'm busy right now, sorry. Come to me after class tonight? I'm teaching all afternoon.

Are you out with FedEx? I asked.

Why?

Out with Kelsey and I'm running out of small talk material.

The wait for her reply was so long I thought she wouldn't answer.

Yes, we're out to lunch, she said, finally.

"Miss Juliette is out to lunch with FedEx Man."

"They're meant to be." Kelsey perked up. "Ask her how it's going."

Is it going well?

Tell Kelsey to mind her business.

"She won't give me the dirt."

"Extortion is our only option, then," Kelsey said, and sipped the last of her soda. She shrugged as she slipped out of the booth. "Miss Juliette is so pretty. There's no way he's not in love by now."

"I'm sure he's head over heels," I responded dryly. An odd, out of place chord of something that felt a lot like jealousy plucked in my chest.

I tripped on my way out of the booth at the feeling. Jealousy? No. I couldn't be jealous I hardly knew Juliette. Besides, we didn't like each other. We hardly got along. And she pitied me. And she was probably going to go along with this move-Kelsey-in-plan I'd concocted because she wanted to distance Kelsey from me. And she was probably being completely fake the other night when she agreed to help me. And wrapping her arms around me had most likely been a manipulation tactic.

"Hello?" Kelsey chided. "You're supposed to be extorting her for the deets."

"Right, the deets. What are those?" I scrambled for my keys with one hand and texted Juliette with the other.

Kelsey told me to extort you. Name your price. I texted .

You couldn't afford the price of my secrets.

Juliette's response strummed that chord of chaotic intrigue in my chest. I responded quickly before stuffing my phone face down in the center console. Anything you want, try me.

The engine turned over to a hum and I couldn't stop glancing down at my phone to see if Juliette had responded. After parking in the driveway, I shook my head and let Kelsey know the so-called deets. "Juliette's not giving it up."

Kelsey frowned, disappointed. The lock on her door clicked as I tucked the apple pie in the fridge.

Reluctantly, I set up the remote meeting that promised to be as exciting as watching a singular blade of grass grow. My phone lay face up on the table, waiting for Juliette's reply. It was half an hour before the screen lit up.

Tell Kelsey my secrets are not for sale.