38. Roan

38

ROAN

“ T hey’ll be okay,” Niko murmured to Gwyneira as Casimir and the others disappeared down a side hall after Ignatius.

They damn well better be.

I kept my thoughts to myself as my eyes slid to the duke darkly. The arrogant bastard was watching us, ignoring his son and nephew as they left the room. The rest of his loyal henchmen were around him, and while the looks on their faces were as sadistic as ever, his expression was just strangely satisfied.

What the hell was he after?

The demon growled in my mind, echoing my question with a hefty dose of bloodthirsty threat thrown in. If Gwyneira asked for him to return, he was more than happy to oblige— especially if it meant he got to remove that bastard from our list of concerns.

“I guess we should head this way, then?” Niko prompted.

I barely restrained a scowl. Clay wasn’t wrong. If this went a certain way, then Niko would need to stop asking people what to do and start telling them instead.

A smirk twisted the duke’s lips. The demon growled louder in my mind.

Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to turn away. One problem at a time. First I needed to keep Niko and Gwyneira alive and safe.

Then we could worry about how many of these bastards we might need to kill if our lives decided to go sideways yet again.

“Come on.” My voice was curt and cold, but it was the best I could do. Jerking my chin at the two of them, I kept my eyes on the duke as we walked away.

Thicker shadows closed in as we left the main chamber behind, and all of them made the demon want to take control, if only because they might hide something to threaten us. There weren’t as many holes in the roof here, keeping any trace of light from entering from the outside. But in a number of rooms, the windows were shattered, letting leaves and dirt in to cover everything.

A squeak came from the shadows, and my eyes heated with the demon’s flames as my gaze snapped toward the sound. My night vision improved immediately, picking out more shapes in the darkness.

Paralyzed, an opossum stared at me, one pink paw hovering in midair as if it had frozen halfway through a step.

I let out a breath of relief, but inside my head, the demon still growled. It didn’t trust that the harmless, terrified creature wasn’t a trap anyway.

Idiot.

Behind me, Niko shooed the poor thing onward, murmuring reassurances. I swore the little creature actually squeaked like it was thanking him for saving it before its paws finally scrambled through the debris and it bolted away.

Figured, though. I was the monster. Niko was emphatically not.

Nature knew that.

My stomach twisted, the thought bringing up the anxiety I’d been trying to ignore all day. Last time I saw Niko, it hadn’t gone well. Catastrophic was probably the better term. All the secrets I’d kept had come home to roost, and while yes, the others had since forgiven me, Niko had been so hurt, he’d left. He’d gotten captured by Aneirans.

And he’d suffered the gods knew what kinds of torture until we could finally rescue him.

I tried to breathe through the worry as I kept walking, the grit of years of accumulated dust and debris crunching beneath my boots. If Niko needed to have it out with me, I’d let him. Hell, I’d do anything he wanted if it’d make this up to him. Gods knew sorry wasn’t enough for what he’d gone through.

The shadows grew deeper as we left any trace of the main chamber’s light behind. The corridor became a winding maze full of dark corners, doors that were rotting from rusted hinges, and crumbling reading nooks. I’d never been in a temple of the Order before, but like everything else built by full-size giants, the proportions of the whole place were wildly too large. Three of me could have strode side-by-side through any of the doorways, and even the books scattered on the floors were so big, I’d need both hands just to lift them. It took me a moment to realize the rooms around us were actually bedchambers and not oddly separated libraries, given that most of the beds in question were moldering piles of cloth and wood lost beneath heaps of books. But when I finally spotted an intact frame and mattress, even those were large enough that several of us could have fit there with Gwyneira easily.

Not that I was thinking about that.

Scowling at myself, I came to a stop halfway down the corridor. This had to be far enough away from the main chamber to give me warning if the duke or his people tried to sneak up on us. Plus, the room to my left was more intact than the others, if only because its roof and windows remained in place and the entry still had a door solidly attached to its hinges. The bed hadn’t crumbled, though mold and dust obviously coated its blankets. There was even a candleholder fallen by one leg of an unbroken table with a wax candle lying nearby.

I glanced at Niko. He was frowning at the bed.

Fuck, what now? Yeah, it was moldy but?—

Oh.

“Do you think you could do something about that mold?” I asked, my voice so much sharper than I intended because of my nervousness.

Dammit.

But he didn’t react like he was offended, merely nodding and walking into the room. “Give me a second.” He extended his hands over the bed and closed his eyes.

A moment passed. The colors of the blankets grew stronger. Shades of brown and green and blue that were muted before now became, if not bright, then at least more noticeable.

Niko exhaled as he lowered his hands. “Done.”

I hesitated, torn between my own awkward discomfort and the demon’s sudden insistence that we needed to do something for Gwyneira too.

Which was dumb.

Also probably accurate.

Niko started to look my way.

Fuck.

I turned and strode back down the corridor, caving to the demon’s demands. Anxiety—on my part and the demon’s—fueled my muscles as I dragged several of the massive doors around, layering their corners atop each other across the width of the hall.

If anyone came this way, they’d have to step on those, making enough noise that I’d hear them coming.

When I came back down the corridor, Gwyneira and Niko were standing by the doorway, staring.

“Wow,” the princess whispered.

“What?” I faltered, glancing behind me.

Oh. Those were huge. That shouldn’t have been possible for someone my size.

Shit.

Don’t you dare try to take control now, I snarled at the demon as I gestured for Niko and Gwyneira to go back into the room.

The creature didn’t respond.

Bastard.

I shut the door behind us all. There was only one entrance, which was good, and the debris in the hallway would serve as a warning if anyone approached from that direction. The windows could still be a problem, though.

Harpies being able to fly and all.

Scowling, I crossed to the window and glared out at the landscape.

“So, Roan…” Niko began.

Fuck.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

I froze. That… that hadn’t been what I expected.

When I finally managed to make myself turn, I could only stare incredulously at the regretful expression on his face. He… Holy fucking gods, he actually meant that.

“What the hell are you sorry for?” I demanded.

He shrugged. “I shouldn’t have lashed out at you.” Niko’s eyes went back and forth between me and Gwyneira, including her in the statement. “Either of you. It was wrong of me, and I?—”

“You had every right to be angry at me,” I blurted, too shocked to stop myself from interrupting him. “I lied. Risked her.” My head twitched toward Gwyneira though my eyes couldn’t leave Niko. “I owe you the apology, not the other way around.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Still. I’m sorry.”

My mouth moved. Gods damn me, how… how was he so good all the time? So kind and generous and nothing like I could ever?—

The demon twitched inside my head, almost like he was smacking me in an effort to pull me out of my thought spiral.

It was a weird feeling.

But damn that creature, it also helped.

“I… I’m sorry, too,” I managed to say. ”For… Well, like I said. All of it.”

Niko let out a breath as if relieved, and he smiled.

Fuck, he really meant it, didn’t he? He was sorry and he was okay with me being sorry too.

He glanced at Gwyneira.

“You already apologized to me,” she said as if reminding him. “And it’s okay. Really.”

His smile grew.

I stared, still stunned. When it came to me and my friends, Niko was pretty much the kindest and most forgiving of us. But everything I’d done still felt like it should’ve been too much for our friendship to survive.

Yet it was also because I’d known him all these years that I could see the strain creeping back into his face while I watched him now.

“How are you holding up with all this?” I asked carefully.

Shrugging, Niko looked away. “Fine, I suppose.”

I wasn’t sure I believed that.

Gwyneira certainly didn’t. She reached out, taking his hand. “It’s okay if you’re not.”

Niko sighed. “I just…” A humorless chuckle escaped him. “I guess I’m used to staying in the background, you know? Letting Dex or the twins or you—” he nodded at me, “—take the lead. And now all these people are looking at me like I’m the one to lead them and…” He trailed off uncomfortably. “What if I can’t?”

Before I could figure out how to respond, he shook his head with a small scoff. “I mean, that’s assuming these magical waters even choose me, which they absolutely won’t, so it’s beside the point anyway.” His eyes flicked up to Gwyneira’s. “No reason to worry since it’s not really going to be an issue, right?”

I glanced at her. Like me, she didn’t seem to buy that he was nearly as disbelieving as he was trying to seem. But based on how she stayed silent, she also seemed to agree that pointing that out wouldn’t help anything.

Gently, she squeezed his hand with a kind smile.

Relief flickered in his eyes. “I did have a question, though,” he continued to me. “Why did you take her away from us?”

I froze all over again, while inside my mind, the demon cringed at the memory of the first time it’d fucked everything up. “It, uh…” Gods, how could I explain this? “It wasn’t really me. I wouldn’t do that. But the demon is… well, I don’t know what, exactly. But it’s not me.”

Niko gave me a sideways look. “It’s not?”

“No.”

My voice was emphatic, but then the truth caught up to me. Dammit, I wasn’t going to lie to him. Not even by omission. Not anymore.

“I mean… not exactly. We’re… Well, like I said. I don’t know. But we’re not the same.” A new thought occurred to me, one that felt almost like a peace offering. “But that’s why nature was so strange about me, right? Like you said back in the forest. Because the demon and I are like this.”

Niko was quiet for a moment. “Nature told me you had secrets, yes. That there was something odd about you. And it’s still saying…” His brow furrowed. “I don’t know. Something . Like there’s almost an echo when I look at you, but… strange.”

Gwyneira glanced between us, a worried look on her face. “Do you know what he’s talking about?” she asked me.

I shook my head.

“But it’s not the demon,” Niko continued. “And I don’t think it’s a threat. I know how that sounds, coming from me. I’ve said that before and I… Well, anyway, I mean it.” He looked at Gwyneira earnestly. “I’d tell you if it did.”

The words sounded like a promise, and they made my heart ache.

Fuck, had she asked him about me before? Had he said she could trust me?

Probably.

And then the demon and I proved him wrong.

Niko turned back to me, and I scrambled to focus rather than spiral into self-recriminations again.

“The demon still feels like you , though,” he said, “at least in a way. Kind of like the two sides of a leaf, you know? Different and sort of distinct, but still the same leaf. Anyway, if there is any truth to this Nine thing, it wouldn’t make much sense for you and the demon to really be two different beings, right? Because that’d technically make us ten and…” He splayed his hands like it was obvious.

Or it meant that I wasn’t supposed to be part of their group at all.

I turned away, my stomach twisting into a knot.

“It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you,” Niko added.

I couldn’t respond to the obvious attempt at a peace offering. Not when his words had created a whole new angle of awful to this thing that the demon and I were.

What if we weren’t supposed to be part of Gwyneira’s… whatever it was? Because there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Gwyneira was at the heart of this, no matter what Ignatius thought about Casimir and the “center” of the Nine’s supposed power.

What if the ninth member of that group was someone else? Ruhl or some other fucking thing?

Or just the demon and not me?

There was no stopping the spiral of dread in my thoughts this time. The fucking demon didn’t even try. It just sat there in my head, silent, without a single gods-damned hint of what it was thinking.

Bastard.

But did I even want to be part of this Nine thing? Did I really believe I— or the demon or whatever—was going to play a role in saving the whole fucking world?

Because if we were, then Niko’s argument that we weren’t really two beings made sense.

And mine didn’t.

“Roan?” Gwyneira prompted gently.

I didn’t care about saving the world, I realized. Not really. Not like a good person like Niko would.

I wanted to be part of this Nine thing because Gwyneira was.

I only cared about saving her.

A dark wave of agreement came from the demon, but it felt strange. Like it came from something else living inside my head… but like an echo of my own too. Like the two of us were closer inside my skin than ever before.

My skin crawled, and internally, I retreated from the sensation. I couldn’t trust that. Wouldn’t. But I understood all the same.

We’d burn the world if that was what it took to protect her.

“Did something I said upset you?” Niko asked.

I shook my head.

The silence stretched.

“It’s just…” The words felt they were being pulled from me. “When I was a kid, it did feel like we were more… one, somehow. I admit that. But ever since what I did to my family…” I chafed a hand on my arm like I could rub away the pain of the memory.

“It was easier not to be?” Niko offered.

I glanced back, frowning. The idea was absurd.

But Niko only gave me a kind smile. “Thing is, sometimes in nature, animals get so scared, they sort of disconnect from themselves. I’ve felt it when a rabbit or deer run from a predator. It’s like they’re not even there anymore. And maybe when what happened to your family… happened , the pain and the fear was so much, the you that’s you and the you that’s the demon split just to survive it.”

I turned away again. ”The demon doesn’t…” The words hurt. “It calls me the broken one. It doesn’t want to be the same as me.” Anger coiled hot inside my chest. “And the feeling is mutual.”

More silence followed.

I was too damn good at shutting up a room, and it burned. We needed to be getting rest or keeping watch or doing anything besides standing here talking about my fucked-up life.

Footsteps came from behind me. “You’re not broken.” Gwyneira rested her hand on my arm. “Maybe what happened to you made things go the way Niko says, or maybe the explanation for you two is something else entirely. But you’re still not broken .” From the corner of my eye, I saw her smile. “I mean, you heard Ignatius, right? The wood that wouldn’t burn. That’s you. And that’s strength and power, not brokenness.” Her fingers tightened on my arm, comfort and encouragement practically radiating from her. “And even if you feel differently, it doesn’t change the fact you deserve to be treated with respect and worth.”

The burning feeling changed because her words were so kind and good that they hurt. “I… I don’t want to lose myself,” I whispered. “Lose the man who loves you to a monster who—” My eyes squeezed shut, and I shook my head. “Who can’t even be bothered to understand the most basic ideas of consent or willingness or…”

“What do you mean?” She sounded confused.

“Back in the forest. Byron’s spell. When—” I glanced at Niko, suddenly feeling awkward. “When you and the others and the demon…” I bobbed my head indicatively rather than say more.

Her confusion cleared. “Oh. You mean when the demon and I almost…”

Now she was the one faltering like she was embarrassed.

And fuck if Niko’s eyes weren’t fastened on us both.

“Yeah.” My voice was terse. “I was there. In… in the demon’s head, I mean. I could see you were overcome by that magic. But the demon…” I scoffed, contempt and disgust rising in me again for that damn creature. “I fought him, but even then, the bastard wouldn’t relinquish control enough for me to truly stop him.” I shook my head. “He can’t be trusted, which means I can’t be. Not when it comes to…”

I jerked my head toward the bed rather than state out loud how irrevocably the demon had messed everything up when she’d laid there before it, legs spread and her skin coated in his cum. All he’d seen was her wet, luscious pussy and not the worry and fear flickering through her eyes, growing stronger with every passing second.

She hadn’t been able to stop herself, even if it was clear she’d wanted to, so he damn well should have.

And now thanks to him, neither of us could have her.

The demon twisted uncomfortably beneath my skin, hating that. Wanting to change it.

I gritted my teeth, fighting him back. Outside of life-or-death situations, I wasn’t giving him control again. Not if I could fucking help it.

Gwyneira bit her lip briefly. “I did want him. The demon wasn’t wrong about that.”

“You weren’t sure, though. I could see that. The demon could smell it in your scent. But that magic was driving you, so you couldn’t stop. And since that’s damn well not the same thing as being willing, he should have controlled himself and?—”

“What if the magic was driving him too? I mean, we all were—” she searched for a word,“— ravenous . I couldn’t think beyond that. I’m pretty certain Casimir and the twins couldn’t either. So maybe the demon was overcome, same as we all were. But he also did stop, so…” She shrugged.

My mouth moved, but I wasn’t sure what to say.

And it didn’t help that inside, the demon was perking up, hope rising at the possibility Gwyneira presented.

That didn’t let him off the hook, though.

“Roan, I wasn’t worried because I didn’t want to be with the demon. I did. I… I do . I just worried whether he would be willing to share me with the others. That’s all. Because when I first met that side of you—or that other creature within you, or whatever he is—he sounded like he planned on keeping me all to himself. And I don’t want that. I want all of you.”

I floundered, speechless. I wanted her too. Gods, I did. Sharing her with the others didn’t bother me a bit.

That wasn’t the point.

“But…” She took a step closer. “Maybe I was wrong to worry about the demon this time. Maybe I jumped to a conclusion based on my own fears from the past, when actually, he would be willing to share. It wasn’t a particularly fair moment for me to have judged him in, since none of us were fully under our own control. So maybe…” Her hand took my cheek. “The demon deserves a second chance.”

My eyes twitched toward her, but I couldn’t hold her gaze for long. Didn’t she understand what she was asking? I couldn’t trust the demon. Not with her. Okay, so maybe the magic had overcome him too. Maybe he couldn’t have stopped himself any more than the rest of them. But I’d still seen the issue and he wouldn’t let me protect her from it.

From him.

He was the problem. He always was.

But arguing that—with her or him—suddenly felt exhausting.

“You two should get rest.” I turned back to the window, trying to ignore how cold my skin felt when her soft, barely warm palm fell away from my cheek.

Silence followed, and then—thank the gods even though they hated me—Niko made a noise of agreement. “Probably, yeah. Since it’s been… Gods, what day is it anyway? How long was I gone?”

“Too long,” I said shortly. “So go on. I’ll keep watch.”

A moment passed, and then the two of them finally turned away. From the corner of my eye, I saw Gwyneira’s coat hit the floor as she got undressed for bed.

I locked my attention on the terrain.

Inside my head, the demon was watching me. I could feel its thoughts racing in the darkest depths of my mind, but I couldn’t hope to tell what it was thinking. It’d gone totally still.

Blankets rustled. A sigh left Gwyneira that made my cock hard and my heart ache.

I gritted my teeth. I wanted her. Gods, I wanted her.

Try again, said the demon suddenly, as clear as day in my head.

Fuck off, I thought back, shoving it away.

Try again. The demon pressed at my skin, urging me to turn around. To join them even though I knew it’d go so gods-damned wrong. Trust me.

Never. I squeezed my eyes shut, my head throbbing. Gods, I hate you.

The demon went quiet for a moment, his presence sinking back toward the dark. I know.

Alarm skittered through me because, as impossible as it seemed, there was a note in his voice that sounded like actual understanding.

His attention returned to me. But… I felt him smile in my mind, fangs and all. What if we made a deal?