Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

In and out,

Out and in.

Take care those,

You let within.

" W here have you been?" The voice was menacing and quiet, though thunderous in the way it rattled stones and buckled metal.

I closed the door to my wall of bars and leaned against it after, not yet ready to walk from shadow and be looked upon by him.

"You were with Bring. I could tell when I became blind to him," King See answered when I didn't.

"I was in his kingdom, yes."

"Did he trap you there?"

"He did not."

I could choose the petty path to see what jealousy could be inspired in See, but I felt responsible for where that may lead. No wrong had been done by anyone. Whatever had transpired between See and the princess wasn't done in spite of me. I was too tired to know what to do after watching the images in Bring's cauldron for three days and two nights, so I certainly wouldn't make things worse in the meantime.

The stones on the courtyard jumped and leaped again, and I heard the metal of my wall of bars whine in protest.

"King See, desist. I am not Bring's concubine."

"I do not cause the leaping of your courtyard, lady. It is not I who must desist."

That was me? Or was it Mother? Me, most likely. Perhaps the hotel didn't like that my heart felt as heavy as my eyelids. "Apologies, sir. I haven't slept."

He lurked near my conservatory, and his reply was tight with everything he wanted to ask. "Why have you not slept?"

He assumed I'd been wrapped in pleasure for the duration. Should I tell him then? I thought that I should so he was aware of what had transpired and why I might be unsettled.

"I must apologize again, King See," I said. "I spent three days watching every moment shared between you and the princess of King Take. When I made the deal with King Bring, I had not thought how private such things were, and that I was greatly invading your privacy. When I began to feel myself spying on private moments, I still didn't look away. Alas, this is a monstrous vice I wasn't aware of. I hope to choose better in the future."

His voice softened. "What exactly did you watch, mistress? What deal did you make?"

I'd watched the cauldron and had seen See behind the princess and shoving into her. I'd watched as his face buried between her legs. I'd watched him pull her against his side before they slumbered. That was the worst part.

"She is special to you," I said.

"I'd thought so. As it turns out, she never was."

"I saw what I saw."

"You don't see yourself clearly, mistress, and so your view is colored. Bring showed you the moments I shared with Princess Take, but not those between times, and he did this on purpose."

I'd give him that. "Of course. King Bring wishes me by his side."

"And I wish you by mine as my princess. What say you of that?"

"I say that I'm a young monster still."

"You are ancient enough to know we're meant for each other, Perantiqua."

Purrantiquaaah.

My heart thumped as he said my name, but I swallowed a lump in my throat after. "I am young enough to deny."

"Has he driven you from me?" he asked, and sadness filled every tone. "I wish that you would come from the shadows so I might look upon you. I hear a leaden weight in your tone that brings me concern."

A conflicting creature as I was with a foot on every path, human and monster, ancient and young, I couldn't rest my mind enough to figure this out on the spot. "I am weary, sir. That is what I know."

"You are mine. That is what I know. Ancients designed us for one another."

They surely had. "Fate doesn't obey ancients, King See."

He replied, "And you try to say that you are young. You are mine. Tell me I am wrong."

"You are not wrong, sir. We are for one another. Yet part of me rejoices over any reason to deny our destiny. I should not silence that part of myself until my decision is made."

A shuffle from above. A sigh. "Tell me what I might do in this matter, mistress. Tell me, and I shall do it. I am restless with concern and uncertainty of how things will go."

Nothing could help my mind but rest. "Allow me to say that you handle blindness remarkably well these days. But go now, King See, and allow me rest. I have denied that twice and cannot deny it longer. Leave me to make a choice free of your influence, and at dusk in one week, order your table set for dinner. I will come to let you know my mind."

I walked from the shadows for him. If he'd watched me be a plaything for a king in a cauldron and felt caught in tangles, then I would want to look upon him too.

A heavier sigh. "The sight of you breaks and makes me, maiden. I suppose that I despair and hope in the same breath. One week will feel a century, and I must battle away the urge to send my princes to capture you so I might lock you away on display. But away I will to my kingdom instead, through some strength and good feeling that I didn't think myself capable of. Hear me, mistress. One week you ask for, and not a moment more shall you receive."

I nodded. "That's all I ask, sir. Your terms are fair."

I worried at my lip after.

"I would do that to your mouth given the chance." Menace entered his voice.

I recalled how bored and detached he'd been at our first meeting and how agitated by blindness. I nearly couldn't recognize this passionate version of him that took blindness in his stride and dared to suppose many things.

He did feel something for me, so I told him, "You should know that I don't blame you for your past. You didn't design to hurt me. This is just a matter of my future happiness, sir. I must be the judge of that."

"I fathom, though I would like to judge your happiness for myself. Will you consider some advice in the meantime?"

I considered that. "I suppose so."

"Pause before mentioning the changing state of this snuffed space to other kings and princes. They might find something in this to investigate, and I wonder if time should be allowed to reveal impossibilities at its leisure."

I'd felt the same instinct to conceal the hotel renovations and also my ability to blink here and there. "I shall heed your advice, sir."

"Then good morning to you, maiden. I wish you healing slumber."

"Good morning, King See."

The press of his power receded.

When I dragged myself up to my room, Valetise rustled until I relented and changed from my three-days-old business dress into a nightgown, but a shower was beyond me this morning.

I fell into my four-poster bed, then fell victim to the elusiveness of sleep with equal heaviness. Daylight passed in a bout of tossing and turning. There was nothing healing about the slumber, and I grew to begrudge King See for the comment around midday.

When I woke from the pitiful excuse for sleep near dusk, weariness itched at my nerves, and my irritation rose to match it.

This was no state to make decisions in.

I didn't bother dressing, but stomped to my conservatory in my soft-pink nightgown. The top level did ease away some agitation, but I didn't feel tension leave me altogether as usual.

I scowled in the direction of See's palace first, then Take's castle and Bring's thatched house. "Kings!" I hissed. The lot of them could go away. They only existed to toy with me and tug me here and there.

And I was very annoyed that King Raise and his princes hadn't bothered to visit. That was a cold shoulder and a rudeness. I had an inkling to give him a piece of my mind.

I crouched beside the glass panel on the ground. A conventional eye stared up at me through the dust, and I glared right back, not in the mood for playful frights.

The monster shied away as I held up my pointer finger in threatening fashion. Leaning forward, I wrote on the glass panel in angry capitals.

DON'T KEEP ME WAITING.

Apparently, I'd grown to expect attention from kings, even if I also wanted the lot of them to go away and stop toying with me.

The eye blinked, and the monster disappeared from sight.

"Good riddance," I seethed, stomping around my conservatory some more. Metal whined and stones leaped, but I cared not that my mood or power was affecting the hotel.

I'd give Raise's princes one hour to get here, and then I couldn't answer for what might happen. I was not in the mood for rudeness.

The hour came.

"Rudeness to the fullest degree," I shrieked, hearing a splitting crash below.

I ran to get parchment and ink, and then blinked back to the conservatory where I scrawled a note.

I'm waiting to meet you, King Raise.

Kindly send your princes to my hotel.

The newest monster in Vitale,

Lady Patch

Folding the note in three, I wrenched opened the glass panel and dropped the letter into the kingdom. The letter fluttered down through the tunnel and landed on a stairwell, one of thousands.

"If that doesn't outline my expectations, then I'm certain nothing will," I yelled at the conservatory.

A large patch of oxidized copper disappeared, and my irritation only mounted at the hotel's message that my behavior was rather juvenile.

"I'm allowed to have a night," I snapped. "My heart feels very heavy, and so do my eyelids!"

More oxidized copper disappeared.

I shrieked again, and then took up a pace, blinking every so often. Unlike other nights, the blinking brought me no joy.

Another hour passed.

This King Raise was messing with me on the wrong night. I itched to have an argument with anyone. I wasn't in a state to make large choices, and so I sought a distraction from my feelings.

Bother.

I sat on my sweeping staircase in a puff of nightgown. That was the crux of it.

I didn't want to feel what I felt.

"Drat," I said. Now I'd realized my behavior, I felt the urge to do something to help myself. Sending scathing letters and messages to the fifth king wouldn't earn me back the last snuffing share. My mood wasn't his responsibility, and he didn't need to greet me into monsterdom as others had. When had I formed such expectations of immortal kings?

That question was easy enough to answer—my expectations for kings and princes changed after my last slumber.

I banished my ire against Raise while wishing I could banish the turmoil in my heart as easily.

"I must not avoid this," I whispered.

The leaping of stones stopped. The whining of metal joined it in rest. A quick glance confirmed the return of oxidization to my conservatory. That helped me to feel more in control. I didn't like to be at odds with the place, especially when I felt at odds with myself and other monsters.

In my mind, I could see the tangle of threads that was the issue with King See. I could see that—as he'd ventured to mention—how I felt about my monster was part of the problem. I could see that my awareness of the future tangled in there too. All the conflicting parts of me were caught up for good measure.

I didn't know much about concubines, princesses, immortal happiness, and heartache, but I did know what to do with a normal tangle. I didn't need to see the beginning or end of the knot. I just had to start with the smallest knot and hope bigger knots would be loosened as a result.

The smallest knot, which felt daunting in that it wasn't small whatsoever, was the issue of how I felt about my new form. This alone had the power to affect my fate—I felt that in my mother's bones.

"How to go about it?" I muttered to myself. "What have you learned?"

I'd learned that monsters were interesting and unique and that I considered myself a monster. I preferred life now to my human life before. This was the real me, and impossible and magical things happened to me every night. Princes and kings were struck by my magnificence and my delightful voice. They wondered over the sheer enjoyment of my conversation, and the sight of me had aroused two immortal kings. I'd been called exquisite so many times that the compliment no longer stunned me. I'd feel more curious than hurt if a person didn't find my monster exquisite now.

That was a large revelation.

I'd started to believe myself exquisite through the sheer volume of compliments and flattery aimed my way. Many thought me wondrous, and how could so many be wrong? Surely not so many. They'd ventured the same compliments independent of each other time and again.

Added to that, I could feel the rightness of this world where I'd never felt the rightness of a conventional, human life.

I must shrug free of those conventional standards of beauty and worth.

How did a new monster go about that? My human life had been lived for the sorry day Mother started to wither, and then I lived to help her until the end. I wouldn't change a thing about that. I also couldn't recall considering my wants or feelings very much ever. There was no foundation on which to build my self-confidence and esteem.

Building them felt like an enormous task, and one I'd prefer not to be bothered with—a vice most certainly, and one I shouldn't entertain. If only I hadn't started out a human and slumbered so little.

"To have the misfortune of short slumber. To have the misfortune to merely transform into a monster instead of being born one," I said to my hotel.

"I was not born one, lady."

Her voice was thick and warm, a velvet dress lined with fur.

I approached the balustrade to peer down into the courtyard. A female monster.

"Good evening. I haven't met you."

This wasn't Take's princess, of that I was sure. This princess was covered in a voluminous veil that covered her true form, but a trail of slime extended behind her, showing her path.

"No, not formally. I listened to your conversation and deal with my king. I watched you leave his kitchen."

"You are King Bring's princess bride. Have you come to shout at me or beg me away then?"

"Nothing of the kind, Lady Patch. King Bring bid me here to convince you how little we are to each other."

I stared at her veiled head. "He would do that to you?"

"You misunderstand. The order brings me no pain to obey. I might like more company in the house, you see."

I could see how a fantasy life in the sky could get lonely. Fantasy was a colder companion than reality, even if perfect. "I am convinced you mean little to one another."

"That is well. He will be happy, and the house will have its warmth and welcome again. It's been dark and shaky lately since you became known to my king."

"He is convinced I must be his."

"He is very convinced after conversing with you." She hesitated. "You should never make light of his vow, lady. One woman to another do I say this."

"I will heed your advice, and I am very sorry your home is dark and shaky of late."

"You're not responsible for his mood, lady. Ruin raises his ire. He can't have you become princess to King See who blocks all ruin and saving. He can't have you blinding See to the actions of another king if you become concubine or companion or hostage to Take, Change, or Raise. He sees that left alone, you have already inspired much ruin—the war between See and Change, for example, and now the war between See and Take."

I gripped the balustrade. "King See wars with King Take?"

"Over the information Take granted to you, yes, and how Take toys and tugs with your heart. Such a thing could end the world, and Bring takes exception to this. He believed a life with you by his side was the only solution from the moment of hearing you existed. After seeing you, he lusted for you in body too. Now he has spent time in your company, he wants you in near or equal measure to his purpose because he believes that you and his purpose might be one and the same. I cannot fault him for that, for you are beyond words the most magnificent creature in existence." She curtsied after.

I'd never met a female monster. I couldn't say what I might've expected. If this woman was genuine in her remarks, though, then I might learn something from her. "You said that you weren't born to monsterdom."

"No, Lady Patch," she replied. "I was human until seventeen, then entered a twenty-year slumber and woke a monster at The End."

Curious. " How did you become monster?"

"Five sacrificed themselves to trigger my true form. My grandmother, her sister, my mother, and her two sisters."

"You lost so many." Fifty had patched me together, but I'd only felt the loss of one.

"The loss of them was a long time ago." She paused. "As was the shock of discovering this world, but I recall how ill-fitting everything felt."

I considered her words, though the instinct was to agree without delay. "Nothing feels ill-fitting except for my new body, Princess Bring. Even then… this body does feel a perfect fit, if not my feelings about it. I can do any number of impossible things, and I feel very capable of physical tasks. I climbed to your king's thatched house with these arms and legs." I stared at my hands after. "This new body of mine, formed by my ancestors, is very capable."

"You are extremely capable, lady," the princess said in a breathless rush. "You inspire princes and climb cliffs. You deny kings, then forge deals with them in the next breath. Are you proud of yourself?"

The question was so genuine that it robbed away the instinct to conceal how I felt. "I've learned and dealt with a lot lately. Yes, I am proud of how capable I've proved, not only in body."

"I am happy for you, lady."

"Tell me, Princess Bring, how did you come to terms with the sight of your monster? I do not mean to imply you are anything but exquisite, for remember I haven't seen you, but I speak of living in a conventional body one day, then waking a monster the next night. Tell me of the first time you looked upon your true form."

There was a soft squelch as she fidgeted.

"Lady, the first time I looked at myself was ten years after I woke. Things were very patchy in the time immediately following The End. Kings and their princes hadn't established, walled cities hadn't formed, and mirrors certainly weren't accessible. I spent most of my time dead and buried in sand. I could tell I'd become something other from the feel and slime of me. By the time I could look at myself, I was very eager to see what I'd become. I'd long marveled that I couldn't seem to die. My body was impossibly capable, and with it, I no longer feared things like hunger or pain or death. When I first saw my reflection, I did like myself."

I could tell by her tone that might not be true any longer. I shouldn't pry further, yet self-interest wanted to push my curiosity to nosiness. I let it. "What happened to change that?"

"I imagine that my choice to become princess did. I'd had the lavish attentions of a king as he wooed me. A magical life rested in my hands at our wedding and for the initial years, but the magic gradually drained away. We are disinterested in each other, you see, in conversation and in body. I do not blame my king for this, for he was as fooled by infatuation as me when entering our union, but it does mean that I spend my time around a person who finds me unattractive and boring. After some decades, I began to wonder what was wrong with me, and though I can't recall when I opted to veil myself from dusk until dawn, I can say that I feel far better under here where none can see my monster."

I could see that she believed this.

How interesting that while this princess had slowly convinced herself that she was boring and ugly, Bring—who'd been recipient to her disinterest and lack of attraction—didn't believe himself either of those things. He'd spoken to me with confidence as he uttered lover's words. He'd enjoyed my curiosity of his crimson torso and second mouth.

I said, "I've recently discovered how enough compliments and flattery can build a person's positive perspective of themselves. Yet now I've heard your story, I find myself wishing that you would not place any importance on how King Bring sees you. Does it remain then, that we should surround ourselves with those who see the best in us while also giving most importance to our thoughts of ourselves?"

"Lady Patch, you are more ancient than me in such things," the princess said, then whispered, "How is she more ancient than me?"

There was a bitter note to her voice that I didn't understand.

I called down, "The other princesses, how did they transform?"

Squelch. "I have been the only princess to transform from human until you, Lady Patch. You will know that princes are as ancient as one another as all entered the womb to slumber for 100 years before The End. Princesses vary in their length of slumber and therefore their ancientness, though we are not sure why ancients chose to vary us this way. The most ancient of us slumbered in the womb for fifty years before the end, two others slumbered in the womb for thirty years. I didn't slumber in the womb at all, and instead was born of sacrifice, then entered a twenty-year slumber."

Curious. "I wonder why that is."

"None of us have figured out the answer, but I have been the least ancient monster for a long time."

Ah, her earlier bitterness made sense. The others must poke fun at her youth.

The princess continued. "My king had hoped I'd prove strongest, born from pain and suffering as I was, but the opposite became apparent, and that is when he started to lose interest, I fathom. You might have heard that Princess Take is the most ancient of us. She slumbered for fifty years."

My thoughts soured. Princess Take's ancientness was the reason King See could touch her and no other. I'd slept little more than a third of a year and couldn't hope to compete with her fifty-year slumber. "I see."

Quiet extended through the courtyard, and I wished to be alone.

"Midnight is here, and I sense our time is at an end," the princess said. "I wish that you would consider the position of concubine, lady. I would like to spend more time conversing with you. If you are correct about compliments and positive perspective, then in your wonderful company, I might see myself differently again."

There was a fierce urge to help her achieve that, and I felt sudden awe at Bring's wisdom in sending his princess tonight. "I know not about concubine matters, princess, but I would like to see you again. Your conversation is delightful, if you don't mind me saying so."

"Thank you," she replied. "Good midnight to you."

After watching her trail from the hotel, I marched back into the conservatory. I had a tangle to deal with, and how I perceived myself was the smallest knot. The time had come for me to see what I'd become, for better fate or worse.

I stopped in the dead middle of the conservatory and stared defiantly at the burgundy drape.

"I have prepared as best I can," I informed the mirror that might hang beneath the drape. "My lessons are learned. What must be most important is how I view myself. From this moment, I undertake to become skilled in the conviction of loving myself. Then I shall practice the skill forevermore so others cannot wrestle the love away ever. I will remain in charge of my fate this way. Added to that, I will surround myself with those monsters who see the best in me and trim off any monster who seeks to always see the worse. Room should be left for growth, of course."

I glared at the burgundy drape. "Have I prepared enough then? My heart aches, and I would see it stop. You're the smallest tangle in the knot if that can be believed."

Sweat broke out on my brow. I shifted from foot to foot.

"I will remove you now," I informed the burgundy drape.

I didn't do so.

I clenched my teeth. "You know, I'm very capable. My arms and legs can climb great cliffs. I find playful delight in that which makes humans faint in a heap. My true smile did bother me at first, but I always notice when my lips twist into a smile now, and I can't remember noticing how my conventional smile felt at all."

My annoyance faded, and a small shyness bloomed in my chest. "Mirror and drape, these are unique qualities that I like very much about myself. That I love about myself."

The shy bloom spread, strengthening.

I tilted my chin.

Human life had taught me that conventional beauty centered around outward perfection. For if a person appeared perfect, then others perceived them as inwardly perfect too. Even back then, I'd shied from such a bland standard—I'd never met a person, human or monster, who didn't possess joys and fears, nor dream and vice. But when buried under the mask of perfection, this richness of character was forgotten and lost.

How isolating to be assumed inwardly perfect. How obsessed a person might become with their outside as they forgot their stories—and as everyone surrounding them did the same. I could only feel sorry for such a person and vow not to continue making this mistake.

I'd long preferred cracked wallpaper and yellowed valance, and still did prefer oxidized copper and dusty glass. Monstrous life had given solid form to these human suspicions and instincts. I could safely say that uniquities were utterly magical and very interesting and had nothing to do with conventional standard.

"Why cling to the benchmark of an unblemished surface for myself when I delight in viewing the stories on a surface dented, scratched, and singed?" I whispered.

The feeling in me swelled in response, and I rather thought the bloom might be the starting of pride.

"If I veil those blemishes and uniquities, how will the right people find me? How will I cocoon myself in their support and love then?"

I smiled, then paused to absorb the delight in the pulling twist of my mouth. "I'm ready to look upon myself, mirror and drape. Excitement fills me at the prospect. I have swallowed my misgivings."

Seemingly in answer, the thyme-covered panel underfoot chose that moment to swallow me whole.