59. Chapter Fifty-Nine

Of all the days for lectures to be canceled , I sighed to myself.

Shortly after Kieran left, I made my way home and promptly received a notice that all classes in or around the Wyldwoods this afternoon would be postponed—something about routine maintenance on the wards. Conduits were instructed to either stay home, or meet for independent study groups at the Biblyos.

I had no interest in the group study option, though part of me wished that I had the foresight to linger just a little bit longer at Kieran’s townhouse. Something about this studio—once my private safe haven and soft place to land—now felt isolating and empty. The space felt several degrees colder without the warmth of his presence, the heat of his gaze. Gods, that was a terrifying thought.

Oh, don’t be shy, Arken, Hans had said. Kier gets ’em all eventually.

I shook the thought from my mind, in dire need of a distraction. Stupid routine maintenance—we’d never had classes canceled for ward work before. And hadn’t Kieran said that the Elders refreshed the wardpoints pretty regularly? Odd that the Studium grounds would need something specific, right around the same time that Kier got dragged back to headquarters for what sounded like an urgent request from his commander…

I knew better than to snoop around the business of the gods or the Elder Guard, but I hoped everything was okay… and that everyone was safe.

Unsure of what to do with the irrational and arguably misplaced anxiety growing in my chest, I decided to go for a run. Not my preferred source of exercise these days, but if I wanted to pass my endurance test for Physical Arcana next quarter, I needed to keep up with the routine. Training clothes on and hair tied back, I began my standard circuit from my studio to the Eastern Gates.

Every time an invasive thought tried to wriggle its way into my consciousness, I upped my pace and focused on that challenge instead—so needless to say, I made it to the edge of the city in minutes. I hadn’t even realized that I could run that fast. It was sort of exhilarating. The gentle breeze felt more like a powerful tailwind, pushing me forward, lightening every stride. By the time I reached the gates, my lungs were burning and I was breathing hard, stretching out my sore abdominal muscles with every heaving gasp of air.

I leaned against the limestone city walls to catch my breath, grateful for the shadows they cast against the midday sun. The white stonework was deliciously cool against my back as I drank deeply from my waterskin. Wistfully, I stared out towards the entry trail to the Wyldwoods and sighed. I had promised Kieran that I wouldn’t wander them alone anymore. Not after the Leshy.

It was a silly promise to make, really. I was born in the Brindlewoods, I grew up crawling through blankets of moss and pine needles. My younger years were practically defined by how often I would find myself lost in the woods… but then again, I was a bolder, more fearless creature back then.

Absently, I brushed my fingers over my ribcage, where the scars would remain—memories of the Leshy’s claws still so visceral and violent. The pain was the last thing I really remembered from that night, before it all began to warp and fade. I shuddered a bit, remembering the way the toxins burned, the way I had to cling to Kieran for dear life as my body had started to weaken and shut down after the daemon’s blow…

I was truly lucky to be alive. So even though I craved that quiet calmness, that stillness of mind that the resinous scent of pine always produced for me when I took my little walks through the forest alone… I kept my promise to the man who saved my life.

After a few more sips of water, I turned around and ran the rest of my circuit around the Student’s Quarter instead. I could always drag Kieran into the woods with me later, and replace those bad memories with something better.

Fucking Hel, I missed him already. It had been, what—an hour? Two at most, and already his absence felt like some phantom limb, an extension of myself that had been severed.

That’s sort of pathetic, Arken, I groaned internally.

And it was, wasn’t it? I mean, I knew that part of this was just me being pouty at this point, but Kieran’s lieutenants had rudely interrupted an artful game of seduction that he and I had been playing all morning, a game that I had been winning. I had been right on the cusp of receiving my prize, with his fist in my hair—the man still had promises of duressto make good on.

I am going to fucking ruin you, he’d sworn—and godsdamn, I hoped that promise extended to whenever he wrapped up with work today. Nevermind the fact that we had been having nearly non-stop sex for over a week, the man still left me both sated and insatiable. I had been half-tempted to beg him to stay home, to lie to his commander again, just to remain in that decadent moment on his lap—but I had nipped that thought in the bud before I could make an absolute ass out of myself. Because there was more to all of this than just lust, now wasn’t there?

Kieran’s work, for as little as I truly knew about it, was important to this city. It was important to him. I hadn’t forgotten his confession at the wardpoint—that becoming a captain on the Elder Guard was one of the few things in life that he was proud of. I refused to be so needy as to pull him away from what actually fulfilled him in life. And yet I felt so godsdamned needy in his absence, even after the run.

I wasn’t used to this. It had never been like that with Graysen, and no other relationship had ever come close to this inexplicable magnetism, these tangled ties between Kieran and I.

He gets ’em all eventually.

Fucking Hans. I loved Kieran’s lieutenants like they were my own brothers, but gods, that was the last thing I needed to hear this morning. I scowled at the memory of the lieutenant’s little slip up, and the way Kieran’s eyes had flashed in warning. Was that for the sake of my feelings? Or was it because Hans was right?

This was the exact sort of introspection that I had hoped academia would help me avoid. I had been dancing around it for something close to nine days now, side stepping every reminder that Kieran and I had kept things platonic for a reason. I really didn’t want to think about what came next, whenever the afterglow of all the flawless sex began to fade. Whenever Kieran got bored, or came to his senses. It was bound to happen, right?

I could hardly offer a fair substitution for his freedom to sample every gorgeous creature that Sophrosyne had to offer, unfettered by the burdens of regret, or expectations.

Except what killed me was that Kieran was breaking all of his rules with me, as of late. In the quiet moments in between our desperate hunt for pleasure and release, he was letting me in. Exposing tiny slivers of vulnerability. Gaps in his armor. In between tangled sheets and tangled limbs, Kieran had started letting down his walls.

And I could never return the favor.

It was for this exact reason that I was currently alone, too. Kieran’s dedication to the Guard would always be a secret point of contention, something that prevented me from giving myself over to him in full. Even if I really, really wanted to give him everything.

So maybe it was for the best if Hans was right in suggesting that, at the end of the day, I was just another notch in Kieran’s bedpost. There was no denying the fact that I was falling for him. And perhaps I had been falling for a long time.

But could I really risk it?

I had no reason to doubt the ferocity of Amaretta’s warnings—her sharp insistence that if I were to expose my secrets in Sophrosyne, it would be one of the most dangerous things I could ever do. I believed my mentor when she told me that the truth of my Resonances could very well put my life at risk. She had told me explicitly to avoid two things in this city when I could help it: The Elders, and the Elder Guard. I still didn’t fully understand why, having fallen behind on much of my research on the matter, but that didn’t mean I was prepared to flirt with my own demise.

It wasn’t as if I thought that Kieran couldn’t keep my secrets, either. The man was essentially an expert in that regard. If Kier had any feelings for me at all, and he somehow found out that I could wield more than just Light, there was no doubt in my mind that he would keep that to himself. But I could never ask that of him.

It would essentially be asking Kieran to put his loyalty to me above that of the Elder Guard—and exactly what had I done to earn the right to make such a demand? How could I possibly expect him to betray that sense of pride and loyalty and honor that clearly meant so much to him? His father was dead, his brother estranged—the Guard and his men were the closest thing he had to a family.

At the same time, the burden of this secret would always be an integral part of who I was. It was why, prior to Kieran, I kept everything so close to my chest. The Resonances had altered my childhood, sown seeds of doubt into my very identity. Doubts that I had yet to dispel. These secrets were the only reason I was even here,in Sophrosyne—or at least, they used to be.

If I let myself love him, I would be lying to him for the rest of my life.

Could I live with that?

Hours passed by for the remainder of the afternoon, sluggish and slow.

In between reading and occasionally dozing off, catching up on lost sleep, I continued to oscillate between missing Kieran, wanting Kieran, and ruminating over the inevitable serious conversations to come.

Just before the sun began to set, his raven appeared.

So sorry this is taking so long, sweetheart. I’ll be back in the city within an hour or so. Can I bring dinner?

The immediate swell of relief and the sheer, unbridled happiness that bloomed in my chest just seeing his handwriting was absurd.

Yes, please. I’m starving.

It only took him a moment to reply.

I mean, so am I. But that would be for your cunt, not necessarily a meal, Little Conduit…

There was a brief pause before the next scrap of parchment showed up, as if Kieran needed to take a moment to laugh at his own depraved commentary. I couldn’t help but grin at the thought.

Okay, sorry. I’m on my way. For both.

My shoulders shook with the laughter I tried to suppress, while simultaneously pressing my thighs together in an attempt to disregard the pooling heat. Horny bastard.

Despite all of my fears, and the doubts that still lingered in the back of my mind, the promise of his presence left me feeling lighter already.