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Chapter Thirty-Five

"That was quite the risk you took," Abe says reproachfully, but when I glance at him, he looks more impressed than anything.

I try to shrug, as if it was nothing, as if I didn't feel like God himself with the future of humanity in the balance. If I had slipped, if I had turned Larimar into a monster, then I would have become the Devil instead, unleashing more of his minions in the world.

But I didn't.

"I only tried to find a solution to what she wanted," I tell him. "To what we both wanted."

We're sitting on top of a stack of crates in the middle of the ship, repairing fishing nets for Sedge. Even though Larimar and Maren are blood-drinkers now, they still like to eat both human food and Syren food, and fish are a happy medium. Sometimes, the sisters will jump off the ship together and find the fish themselves, but we've been sailing at a fast clip today, and if we can drag these nets behind us, we might catch enough so that Sedge can cook up a feast.

"Yes, but what solutions are as simple as granting one immortality," he says. "You couldn't have known that it would work."

"I didn't," I tell him. "But you did."

"I merely had a hypothesis," he says with a sniff. "The risk was still yours to carry."

I sigh. Figures that even though Larimar talked to Abe privately about her wishes, he still pretends he wasn't involved at all, as if he wasn't the one who used the knife on Maren. But the doctor likes to get his sticky little fingers in everything.

I decide to run with it. "I figured that they're monsters too. They know how to control that side of themselves that humans don't. That I never could. The perfect candidate for turning one into a Vampyre that can keep its sanity."

"Speaking of," he says, lowering his voice. "You're going to have to test the beast eventually."

I stiffen at that. For some time, Abe has had the notion of trying to let the monster out on purpose, but we both know it doesn't seem to work that way. Heightened emotions are what brought the beast out in front of Larimar that time, but that was beyond my control. At any rate, I think I've learned how to control the way I feel about her. I don't let it scare me anymore.

I'm no longer running away from the fact that I'm in love with her.

When it comes to love, she's the predator and I'm the prey, and this time, I've willingly let myself be caught.

Sometimes, it's good to submit.

To an extent, in any regard. I certainly submitted in those chains the other week, but that was a onetime thing. She's the one in chains going forward.

"Too risky," I tell him.

"What's risky is the fact that you can't control it, and it might resurface when you least expect it. If you could bring the monster out, perhaps in a controlled environment, then you'll always have it under your power. You'll have nothing to fear." He pauses. "And neither will she."

The doctor is right about that. Even with Larimar being a Vampyre, even with her Syren ability to fight back, I can tell she's still worried about a reappearance from the beast. I traumatized her back at that church. I hurt her, tried to kill her. That's a hard thing to get over, no matter how changed I may seem, no matter how powerful she might feel.

"At the very least, she's immortal now," he goes on, picking up on what I'm thinking, "so even if things did go sideways, chances are she'd be alright. Besides, you have the Brethren of the Blood here to keep you in line."

I try to concentrate on the net. "I'll think about it."

"Well, you best be thinking about it before we hit Cape Colony and the Dutch East Indies," he says. "Once we go into port, we all have to be on our best behavior."

"And I do say it's not a moment too soon," I comment with a sigh. The humans in the hold are dying. There is no chance they will make it to land and survive if they're let go. They will die on this ship, despite Maren's best intentions. They'll probably die soon—Ramsay suggested we shoot them and put them out of their misery. Says it's the humane way of dealing with livestock, and I suppose he's right about that.

But with the humans gone, that means us blood-drinkers will run out of food. There's a chance we might be able to find another ship, but Maren has her qualms about us killing everyone we come across. It's easy for her to say since she can survive off food if things get tough. Same goes for Larimar. Neither of them seem to need blood the same way that we do, though that doesn't mean they don't crave it the same.

But we can't keep this cycle forever. We'll need to feed from humans eventually.

We go back to working on the nets, falling into comfortable silence. At least we can keep pulling in fish, and though it won't nourish everyone, it at least tempers the hunger for now.

It's been a couple of hours now, the sun high in the sky, a bright blue cloudless day in the South Atlantic, where fair weather is hard to come by, when Maren starts running down the deck. She and Larimar have been at the bow this whole time, talking or gossiping or trading Vampyre growing pains. They both have a near-death experience they can share.

"Ramsay!" she yells, and I notice Larimar is running after her. "Turn the ship to port!"

"Why?"

She runs on up to the helm while Larimar comes over to me, a feverish glint in her eyes. I've seen that look before. She had that glow before she ripped the heart out of that soldier and ate it.

While Maren yells at Ramsay about something to do with Nill and a ship, Larimar says to me, "We found them."

"Found who?" I frown.

"Them," she says, that look in her eyes intensifying so that the violet is turning bright pink. "The bastards who captured me and raped my friend."

My jaw clenches. "How do you know it's their ship?"

Larimar filled me in on what happened to her when she was captured by the other ship, on how she was trapped by a male Syren who made her life a living hell, along with another of her kind, how she was taken aboard and kept in a glass box and had to watch as her friend was brutally raped, so much so that she reached into her own heart and tore it out, the only way of escape she knew. The same bloody humans who then chained Larimar to the rudder—a torture known as keelhauling to my fellow pirates—and left her there to die…or meet a much worse fate in port.

"Nill saw it," she says. "He went off in search of any ship that could be used for, well, sustenance. He recognized the name and the flag. The Gelderland. We can catch them, Priest. We can catch them and kill them all."

I can't help but match her vengeful grin. "To port!" I yell back at Ramsay.

But he's already barking orders and turning the wheel, and everyone else starts running around and adjusting the sails, yelling, "Aye, aye, Captain!"

"Well, this certainly would help our depleted stock," Abe says.

"Yes, but this time, we aren't listening to Maren," I tell him. "We're taking all of them on board, torturing them to our hearts' content, and drinking our fill. I personally will rip the fucking heads off any of the men who even looked at you," I growl to Larimar. "Piss down their bloody throats."

"Not if I get to them first," she says with a raise of her chin.

My God, I could kiss her right now.

So I reach out and grab her face, and I do just that.

"Wonderful how murder makes the both of you turn into lovebirds," Abe comments dryly. "I suppose I should go and give you both some privacy, see if someone else needs my help."

He leaves, but I barely notice.

I kiss her deeply, hungrily, feeling both the physical need for her and the craving I have for her soul. If I could throw her down on the deck and ravage her in front of everyone, I would, but she's still a lady, even if she's a monster too.

She pulls away, her face flushed and breathing hard, and in this strong sunlight that hurts my eyes, she's the most beautiful creature in this entire world.

And she is my entire world.

"We can kill them all together," she says. "You drink their blood, I'll eat their hearts, and maybe we can fuck on top of their bodies."

I lean down and groan into her neck, my cock growing painfully hard. "If you're not careful, I won't last that long."

She reaches down and rubs her hand over the rigid lines, pressing in until it pulls a gasp from my lips, and I rock into her hand.

"Aragon!" Thane yells. "Larimar! We need you both to focus!"

I glare at him over my shoulder from where he's manning the sails with Cruz. "And I need you to look away from time to time and pretend we're not here."

But as much as I want to fuck Larimar right here, right now, there is chaos swirling around us in all directions. The entire crew is buzzing like an electrical storm, excited for a fight, their hunger for fresh blood driving them.

I straighten up and give her hand a squeeze.

I won't let any harm come to her. I know that battles will sometimes take the life of the immortals, such as what happened to Thane's wife, so I'm going to be extra cautious. Of course, I will let her feast and drink, but I'll be the one to kill each and every one of those men.

All I can say is thank the Lord that I listened to her pleas and turned her into a Vampyre. Had I not, the chances of her getting hurt or killed would be much higher.

Yes, a voice whispers inside me, a voice I hadn't heard in a very long time.

Suddenly, I go still, afraid to move.

"What is it?" Larimar asks.

I don't want to scare her. Not now. Not now. I can't scare her; I can't lose her.

Panic begins to claw through me.

This can't be happening again.

"I'm fine," I manage to say, though the words are a whisper.

Abe!I yell in my head. The beast is talking!

I'll be right there, he says, and he races over to my side in seconds flat.

"What is happening?" Larimar asks, looking between the both of us, her voice rising.

Abe glances at her. "Nothing, dear. Just a bit of doctor-patient confidentiality. Would you mind giving us a moment? You understand."

I nod at her to go on, and she does, reluctantly walking along the deck toward the helm while she keeps throwing concerned glances at me over her shoulder.

What happened?Abe asks, putting his hand on my shoulder. Look at me. What happened?

I meet his eyes. I heard the voice. Of it.

What did it say?

It said yes.

To what?

I was thinking about how grateful I was to listen to Larimar. Now that she's immortal, I don't have to worry so much about her getting hurt or killed during a battle.

A good point, he says with a nod. And it said yes to that?

I nod.

Nothing else?

No.

He frowns, the cogs behind his eyes turning. Can you talk to it? Ask it something.

What?

Make a bargain with it. Choose something that would benefit you. Find out how you can be the one in control. This might be your shot, Aragon.

What if by talking to it, I'm only inviting it in?

Then invite it in. This is what we have been talking about. This is the controlled environment.

Shouldn't I be in chains first?

Don't you think that would start things on the wrong foot, going on the defensive like that?

I frown at him. Are you on the monster's side or mine?

He gives me a small, knowing smile. I knew the monster before I knew you. You are one and the same. The fact that it said yes, agreeing with you when you said that it was good that Larimar is immortal now, means that it wants to be on your side. It knows it can't really harm her now.

That's not exactly true. The beast could bite off her head or tear out her heart. But I don't even want to think about it, lest I give it any ideas.

Talk to it, Abe coaxes.

I look around. Everyone is paying attention to the sea as the Nightwind sails on in hot pursuit of the Dutch ship. The only one looking at us is Larimar.

Alright, I say and close my eyes. Abe keeps his hand on my shoulder to steady me, and while I'm grateful for it, I also feel quite silly, standing here in the middle of the ship like this while everyone else is running around.

Are you listening?I ask the beast, searching for the dark spaces deep inside, the places I've been too afraid to go, where I know my demons live.

No answer.

And then a faint reply, so faint I barely hear it.

I am always listening.

I try to gather my courage. What do you want from me?

It wasn't the question I wanted to ask. I wasn't even supposed to ask a question; I was supposed to tell it the terms of our bargain.

I want you to make peace with your dark side, the beast says. I want you to make peace with me.

You are my dark side?

Armand Cruz, he says, my old name making me shiver. I am you.

But you came when Kaleid…you came from Kaleid, when he killed me, turned me. He gave you to me.

He did not. I came to your rescue. You would have died had I not appeared. Your dark side kept you alive. I kept you alive.

He turned me into an immortal.

But that's not how immortals are made. Had I not stepped in and made you go to the dark place, you would have never survived in the world.

You made me kill my family! I yell inside my head, fists clenching at my sides. Abe's grip on my shoulder grows strong.

We all do things we do not mean, it eventually says. But sometimes we do things we do, things we could never entertain, that we would never admit to ourselves.

I never wanted to kill my family. I seethe.

Never? Oh, there were times you thought about it. When the kids were loud and your wife showed no interest in you. When you resented having to work all day, every day except the Lord's day.

You are wrong.

I am right because I am you. Within each human is a great capacity for evil. There is a shadow that forms within us since birth. You—we—were well versed in these shadows. We used them in our witchcraft. You called into the darkness so often, Armand, is it any wonder that it called back? They called you Armand the dark, do you remember? Do you remember all the magic and the spells you did that brought harm to others?

I never harmed…

But I remember now.

I remember being a child and killing a snake with a sword, chopping it up into pieces while it was alive, not because I was curious but because I was so angry that my father had died so young, and I wanted to take it out on something. The rage that came over me, it was like I was possessed by the Devil itself, back when I thought I was young and innocent. I sliced and sliced and sliced until I became someone else entirely, and I lived with that guilt every waking day because how could I, a child, do such a horrible thing?

I remember the seething jealousy I had over my neighbor, the way his wife looked at me in the way that my own wife never did, enough so that I stole her away one night for a mutual tryst. When she became pregnant not long after, she came to me, and I had to pretend I had no idea what she was talking about, had to pretend that I'd never talked to her a day in her life.

I remember sabotaging the blacksmith in the neighboring town, putting a spell on him that caused him to lose all feeling in his hands so that I could take over his clients. I did so, reaping the benefits, and I never gave him his feeling back.

I remember feeling the white-hot rage seeping through when my children disobeyed me and reminded me they were another mouth to feed.

I never wanted to kill them, I whisper inside.

You didn't, the beast says. But your dark side did. The one that lives deep within, the one you never wanted to face because if you did, you'd be looking at your own face. You'd be looking at me.

I shake my head. No.

Yes, it hisses. And the sooner you make peace with it, the better off you will be. There is a difference between having these thoughts and desires and acting on them. The more you push them away, the stronger the pull is. The harder you try to be good, the more I'll try and rein you in. We are victims to our broken souls and unnourished hearts. We want so much, we covet, and we deny it. We live our lives pretending to be better than that, but we aren't. The rage that made me lives in every single being, monster and human alike. And every now and then, if you're too afraid to face what you truly are, it will be unleashed.

But there are good people, I say. There are good people in the world. I've seen them. Selfless people who will do anything for another.

There are people who are better than you, morally, spiritually so. There are people who are braver than you, too. But even the best people harbor the darkest secrets sometimes. Every face you look at is fighting a battle they aren't always aware of. And most of them are losing.

Silence.

I feel leveled out by what the beast has just told me.

I never wanted…I…

But now, everything feels like a lie.

I am a bad person, I can't help but think. I always was.

We're all bad, the monster says. But we're all good, too. Perhaps the best approach is a bit of balance.

I swallow hard.

Are you okay in there?Abe asks, his voice jarring against the raspy whispers of the beast. At least this means he can't hear our conversation. I would hate for him to know how awful I truly was before I turned.

He knows, the beast says. Abe knows. I'm the one who has been talking to him when you weren't available. He's a true friend, you know. Sees all the ugliness inside you and still stays by your side, because he's no better either. He's just made peace with his darkness, the same way you'll need to make peace with yours if you want us to coexist. It pauses. If you want me to agree to your bargain.

The bargain.

What was I going to offer him?

What did I want in exchange?

You wanted to make friends, the beast says. You wanted to use me when you could and stay in control. Right now, you're thinking, deep down, that you want to spread your wings and fly to that ship and take down every single person on it, punish them for their sins, punish them for what they did to Larimar.

But I don't want to punish Larimar.

Then I stop.

Or do I?

Ah, the beast says. There is the progress. You do want to punish her.

I swallow hard and nod. I do. I want to punish her for breaking her promise to me and for leaving me, even though I understand why she did, even though it's not fair for me to feel this way.

But feelings aren't fair. And that is something that comes with being human too. However, now that you know you want to punish her, are you afraid that you're going to?

I think about that for a moment, searching inside my soul. No, I say honestly. I don't want to hurt her, not unless she asks me to. I want to protect her with all I have. I want to carry out her revenge for her.

And so you may, it says. For you are ready.

Then, a dark, buzzing feeling starts forming inside me, and my eyes fly open. The sunshine is no longer so bright; instead, the sky has been dimmed. Abe is staring at me with an urgent expression, more excitement than concern.

"What happened?" he whispers.

I shake my head and look around at my surroundings. There's a ship far in the distance, and I realize that everyone has been shouting and talking impatiently, but I hadn't heard any of it. Larimar is at the bow now, Maren by her side, and she looks over her shoulder to meet my eyes, raising her brow in question.

"That's the Dutch ship," I say.

"It is," Abe says. "A lot of time has passed while you've been in your head."

"No one has said anything?" I search the faces of the crew.

"Oh, everyone has been giving you strange looks, but no stranger than normal." He stares at me deeply. "Tell me what the beast said."

"The beast said I'm ready."

Abe breaks into a toothy grin. "Most excellent. So, pray tell, what are you going to do about it?"

I roll back my shoulders, feeling a familiar tinge deep in the muscles. Something moves under my skin, like my muscles and bones are coming awake.

Darkness spreads within me like spilled ink over paper.

It seeps into my marrow.

I submit to the shadows.

I become the beast.

I put my head back and scream as the pain rushes through my broken body. The world grows dimmer still, all sound now a hush in the background. I know people are running over to me to see if I need help; I know some are staying back because they know.

I let the beast take over.

Just a little.

Just enough for my body to change and for my blood to boil and for the darkness inside me to intertwine with the light.

No fighting anymore.

I look down at Abe and unfurl my wings. I'm taller now, and I cast him completely in shadow.

"Well, hello, old friend," Abe says with a genuine smile and a tip of the hat.

"Hello again," I say, as myself, as the monster. "I have something I need to do."

I start flapping my wings, blowing back Abe's hair, attempting flight.

"Don't kill everyone, Aragon," Abe chides me. "It seems it's been a while since this crew has seen battle. Let them have a little fun. Let Larimar have her revenge. And for God's sake, remember we need to keep some alive for blood."

I grin at him. It must be the ugliest grin in the world.

Then, I turn around and look at Larimar, who is holding on to Maren in pure fright, Ramsay standing protectively in front of them, ready to fight me by any means necessary.

I nod at them and then start pumping my wings until I'm taking flight, soaring over the side of the boat and down over the water, gathering up extra air from the waves before I shoot straight up into the sky.

The beast lets me laugh.

No, I let myself laugh.

I'm going to avenge the woman I love.

And I'm going to love every minute of it.

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