Chapter 23

Luxand I are sitting outside, on the porch, as the police interview the guys individually about what just happened. They've allowed Lux and me to stay together, but there's a police officer five feet away, listening to everything we say, and watching to make sure we don't run.

I feel numb, completely devoid of emotion, except for one—the profound relief that Lux is safe. She's sitting next to me, and I pull her close, burying my face in her neck, and her hair. I just soak her in. Even her tears comfort me, the sound of her sobbing, the feel of her body trembling, because it means she's alive.

I can't hear anything else. I can't feel anything else. I don't dare. The idea of facing what I just did is—fuck, I can't go there yet.

But if I hadn't done it—a shiver rolls down my spine—I know my brother never would have stopped. He never would have let her go.

I swallow the lump of emotion in my throat. I can't even fucking believe this is real, that I had to shoot my own fucking brother. My own flesh and blood. The horror of that moment will haunt me forever.

The sun is just peeking over the horizon when Lux and I are separated, put into different police cars, and taken down to the Sheriff's Station. Jackson's uncle, the attorney, meets me there. Jackson or one of the other guys must have called him.

"I'm Lewis McKnight, Mr. Rush's attorney. I will be accompanying him during questioning."

I haven't hired him, but he's a member of the Burning Crown's senior counsel and it's his duty to look out for my interests as well as the society's interests. Fortunately, he's a shark. Not that it's going to matter. Murder is murder. My brother was unarmed when I shot him, so there's no way I could claim self-defense. I'm going to jail, and I knew that before I even pulled the trigger. I'd accepted that if it meant Lux would be safe.

My life for hers seems like a small price to pay.

McCoy is the detective assigned to me, I guess, and he asks me every fucking question under the sun—and I'm honest with him, because, at this point, I don't have anything to lose. I'm telling the truth, regardless of the consequences.

Lux is safe. The baby is safe. That's all I feel entitled to. Whatever happens to me happens. It doesn't even fucking matter.

A couple hours into questioning, McCoy gets a text on his phone and then excuses himself from the room. When he returns, he says, "Your mother is here."

I lean back in the hard plastic chair and cover my face with my hands. I'm not ready to see the pain in my mom's face. I'm not ready to explain what happened. I lean forward and push out a breath. "Is Lux okay?"

It's been hours since I've seen her, and when we were separated, she was sobbing.

"She was released about an hour ago, but, yeah, she's okay."

McKnight sighs and leans back in his chair. "Are we done here? I'd like to get my client home. It's been a long night."

McCoy lifts his hands. "It appears to be a pretty straightforward case. We have audio from the 911 call. We heard the threats your brother made. It's pretty clear he had the gun, you lunged for it, the gun went off, and a bullet hit him in the chest, killing him." He places his pen on the yellow legal pad in front of him, signaling a finality to the conversation. "That's what the evidence says, and fortunately for you, it's what everyone in that room corroborated."

I swallow and shake my head. "No, no. I shot him, and he was unarmed." Mr. McKnight grabs my arm and tries talking over me, but I shake his hand off and shove my finger into the table to punctuate my words. "I killed my own damn brother."

Maybe I want to be punished for it. Maybe that's easier than facing the fact that killing my brother was justified. That I'd been driven to it.

McCoy leans back and sighs, straightening his gray tie. "If we didn't have the 911 recording, then yeah, we might be looking at charges for you, but it's pretty clear what happened. You have smart friends."

McKnight stands up and offers his hand to the detective, eager to end this interview and get me the fuck out of here before I say anything else incriminating.

"Thank you for your time." McKnight pulls a business card out from his leather notebook and hands it to the detective. "Please reach out if you have any further questions."

There's a deep ache burning in my chest as we walk out of the interrogation room. My mom is waiting in the hallway, sitting in a hard plastic chair. When the door opened, my mom looked up, startled, like she wasn't expecting the door to open right then.

My heart is in my throat. I've been dreading this moment. Does she hate me? Does she think I'm a monster? I hate myself, so I can't imagine what she's feeling, and that not knowing destroys me. And yet, I'd do it all over again for Lux. I'd live in that horrific moment a thousand times over if it kept her safe.

Mom stands up, and suddenly, I can't breathe. I can't move. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually afraid.

I can see she's been crying. Her eyes are puffy, and her face is red, but she rushes over and pulls me into her arms. "Roman," she sobs, rising onto her tippy-toes to grab my face. "Thank God you're okay."

"Did they tell you—?" The words are caught in my throat. I can't even get them out.

Her face twists in pain. "They said you had to…" A fresh wave of tears stream down her face. "...they said it was self-defense." I pull her into a hug, and she shakes her head against my chest. "He wasn't right, Roman. Jail did something to him. He wasn't himself."

"It's been coming on for a while now, Mom," I say, resting my cheek against the top of her head. "He's been struggling for a long time. We just couldn't see it."

We didn't want to believe it. But who wants to believe someone they love is capable of the darkness James had sunk into? I didn't ask the questions I should have, despite the parade of red flags he had trailing behind him. And the guilt of that will stay with me forever.

"Where's Dad?" I ask.

She pulls back and wipes her tears with the heel of her palm. "He left for France yesterday."

Of course, he did. "Does he know what happened?"

Mom shrugs one shoulder. "I left him a message, and he hasn't called me back yet." She shakes her head. "But there's a time difference, so…"

"Yeah," I say, nodding. Normally, I'd rant about how useless Dad is but now isn't the time. We're both exhausted and emotionally drained. "Come on, let's get you home."

I plan on calling a car for Mom, but as we walk into the waiting room, I see my aunt. She stands up and walks over to us, her face drawn. She reaches out and squeezes my arm. "You doing okay, kiddo?"

I smile faintly at her nickname for me. "I'm okay. And we're done here, so—"

My aunt reaches forward and takes my mom's hand. "No worries. I'll take Jess home, and stay with her for a while. You just head home and try to get some sleep. We'll check in with you later."

I nod once and flash her another tight smile. "Thanks."

When they leave, I pull my phone out to call a car. About a dozen texts pop up on my screen. They're all from the guys, asking me how it's going, telling me that when I'm done, they'll be out in the parking lot, waiting for me.

I step outside, and squint against the bright sunlight. It's wild how the sun can continue to shine after something so catastrophic happens. It feels like the ice caps should melt, the oceans should flood, and life on this planet should come to a screeching halt. But everything is…normal.

I guess the only apocalypse is inside my head.

I spot Ash leaning against the hood of his car, but he's the only one. The other guys aren't here, and I'm confused. Didn't they just text to say they were waiting for me?

"Hey," Ash says as I approach. He lifts his chin at the Sheriff's Station. "Everything good?"

"Yeah." I shrug, glancing around the near-empty parking lot. "Where is everyone?"

He pushes off his car and walks around to the driver's side. "Lux got out about an hour ago, and Lucas took her home. The other guys were exhausted, so I told them to go home and get some rest, that I'd wait for you."

I nod, relieved that Lux was taken home. "Thanks, man."

Sliding into the passenger seat, I tilt my head back against the headrest and blow out a breath. Ash slides into the driver's seat and starts the engine. As we pull out of the parking lot, he glances over at me. "That was a pretty gnarly night," he says. "You doin' okay?"

What a loaded question.

I'm bowed by the weight of my brother's death, and the guilt I'm feeling is so sharp, it hurts to breathe. Could I have done something different? Was there some way I could have saved both James and Lux?

"Not really." Emotion settles like a boulder at the base of my throat. "But uh…I wanted to thank you, and tell you I'm sorry."

Ash's gaze returns to the road. "For what, man?"

"The thank you is for backing me up last night…" I shrug. "...and the apology is for everything that went down a couple of years ago. You tried to tell me about James, and I wouldn't listen."

Instead, I accused him of being disloyal and then made him out to be the villain. But he held his ground, and I respect him for that.

"Listen, I know we've been through some shit, Roman, but—" He shakes his head. "—I've always got you. I hope you know that."

"So what happens now between you and Lux?" he asks.

Goddamn.Just when I start warming up to him again, he goes straight for the jugular.

"I don't know," I say honestly. "It's complicated."

Everything is so muddied and fucked up between us, I don't have a whole lot of hope.

Ash looks over at me. "I'm going to say something, and you might think I'm overstepping, but just hear me out. I care about you and Lux—platonically," he rushes to add.

I lift my hand, like whatever. I don't have enough energy left to tell him to fuck off. "Just say it, dude."

"I don't know everything about what just happened, but I do know that Lux has been through a lot in the last couple of years. She deserves peace, Roman. And we both know you can't give that to her."

His words sting, and I swallow back the urge to defend myself. There's no defense for what I've done to her, and everything I've put her through. "We attend the same University," I say in a flimsy excuse to stay in her life, even peripherally. "Even if we go our separate ways, we're bound to run into each other."

Ash twists his head to smirk at me. "You could have the pick of any school you want. You could leave ExU..."

I don't say anything to that, because ExU is my home. I mean, damn, my house is literally on the fucking campus.

"Listen, I don't know a whole lot about relationships," he continues. "But if Lux even has a shot at being happy, you have to give it to her, Roman. She deserves that much. And we both know that's not going to happen as long as you're around. You owe it to her to walk away."

My chest constricts at the idea of letting Lux go, of never seeing her again. But he's right. Lux deserves to be happy, and I can't keep pulling her into my bullshit. It's not fair to her.

We're not even mentioning the baby. I know Ash heard me tell James that Lux is pregnant, but it feels like a topic neither of us wants to touch.

I blow out a breath and tilt my head back. "You know what I could really use right now? A drink…or three."

Or an entire bottle of vodka.

Anything to drown the pain.

"Bet," Ash says, turning off the main road. "I've got a place…"