CHAPTER 8

Artemis

‘I think I want to try it,’ Libby said, the images of our research still displayed in a halo of blue light that hovered in the air.

‘There aren’t any here to try it with,’ I reminded her.

‘No, not that. I mean, sure, if I ever met a Griknot I’d totally see what the fuss is about, but I meant I want to see what it feels like for someone else to touch me.’

I didn’t know how to respond. We were secretly watching videos of Griknot males pleasuring women of a variety of races, our curiosity burning with the need of young ladies just on the cusp of womanhood. Except, we had been denied anything of the sort for so long that the idea was almost ludicrous. At sixteen solars, we had never even met a boy our age. Just the older white coats that meant pain, not pleasure. It didn’t exactly allow for other, better feelings for us to explore.

But I didn’t understand what Libby was saying. How could she experience what those women were feeling in the holograms without a male to assist? When I asked as such, she merely giggled and shook her head at me as if I should have known better.

‘No, silly. Not with a boy. It would have to be you and me.’

…

Huh?

‘I know what it feels like when I do it to myself, but I heard from one of the other girls that it feels better when someone else touches you. I want you to touch me, A. I want you to make me feel good, and then I want to do the same for you.’ When she saw my hesitation and doubt, she pushed some more.

‘Please, A. I don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it feels like to be touched by another, and you’re the only one I trust. I don’t want them to destroy me before I know what it feels like. Please.’

I barely accepted my answer in my head when the door burst open and we were discovered. The hologram still playing was our undoing. The last thing I remembered before they knocked me out was Libby being dragged from the room, kicking and screaming and reaching for me...

???

I jolted awake, the remnants of the nightmare echoing like flashes behind my eyes. I remembered that day clearly. The want. The desperation. The acceptance that we would not survive The Program.

The screams…

I locked them away during the day, keeping my conscious hours focused on the present, but they persisted in my dreams, haunting and terrorising me in my most vulnerable state.

Thankfully, I had trained my body to react to such nightmares silently to avoid alerting others of my distress. I had learned early on how to maintain a certain level of invisibility. It came in useful now that I was sharing a room with three men. It wouldn’t do to have them questioning my night terrors and digging into their cause. Already I had overheard a conversation during last night’s evening meal that confirmed there was information to be found here about The Program and where they were hiding, but there was also the added complication of CWO Brin. She seemed like a nice enough woman, but the way she’d barged into our room last night and made herself at home, inserting herself into our dynamic as if she wasn’t our superior officer and wanted to be friends… It was inevitable that she would cause too many problems and draw to much attention if she lingered around.

I was glad for the darkness and my bunkmates’ uninterrupted sleep when my face warmed with a blush as I recalled the events of the night prior. I had seen a few men in an undressed state before, but none so fine as him. None that my body had reacted to let alone so strongly. Perhaps that was what brought on that specific memory. I was still untouched as a woman, having never taken it upon myself to explore my sexuality with either men or women. However, I wasn’t in a position to be daydreaming over such matters.

It didn’t stop the image of his, broad muscular torso that narrowed like an arrow pointing to his hips, or those thick thighs and tight briefs that left very little to the imagination. His cock was flaccid, but that didn’t prevent the outline from bulging through the plain black fabric hinting at how obnoxiously well-endowed he was. If it even so much as twitched it would have peeped out from beneath the hem to give me an even better view. And the way his ass flexed when he fled from the room in a pair of sweatpants I stole from Foryk’s stash because they were the only ones large enough to fit him.

I had experienced a wetness from between my legs before, but nothing had prepared me for the heat that practically crippled me and the gush of fluid when my core clenched. It was the first time I had experienced the physical effects of true desire, and my attraction to the captain caught me off guard.

At least I knew I wasn’t broken. I just wished I could tell Libby…

Tears threatened to overflow, blurring my vision that had already adjusted to the dark. A few managed to escape, trailing a path down my cheeks. They congregated in a larger drop on my chin before finally catching on my collar and spreading its wetness around my neck.

I wiped the wet remains from my face and got up. I had synchronised my implant with the holo-tab, so I knew innately what the time was as long as there was a connection, and that I had around a turn to ready myself before the wake-up call. My internal clock had been set to wake me in half a turn, so I decided to utilise the extra time and head into the adjoining bathroom for a deeper clean that I had managed yesterday .

After the amount of sweat, oil and grease that had accumulated from working on the maintenance deck, I would have to be more conscious of how and when I cleaned up moving forward.

The shower stall was barely big enough to fit me, so I had no clue how Foryk managed to squeeze inside of it. But it got to the job done. Short bursts of soapy fluid coated my body, the bubbles fizzing as they dissolved all the dirt and grime that had amassed. Then came the air, blasting me with warm gusts that removed the remaining soap.

When I stepped out of the stall I was stark naked, my shorn hair in complete disarray, and shivering from being surrounded on all angles by cool metal. I combed through the messy strands with my fingers, the end result looking more artfully messy than accidental which was good enough for me.

Before I dressed, I wrapped my breasts with the compression binder, flattening my chest. I had to pull it extra tight to keep them tucked in properly. I wasn’t the most endowed woman, but they had enough mass to be tricky to hide.

My disguise was decent, but I couldn’t hide all of my features well enough for the effect I desired. I had never wished for facial hair before, but it would have come in handy now as I studied my reflection that projected adolescent boy over grown man . As satisfied as I was going to get, I settled back on my bunk with the holo-tab to get started on some more research on the ship’s crew.

Yet, despite already looking up Captain Hironimus’ background, I found myself staring at a hologram of his face followed by a scrolling line of articles. Most of them were about his previous missions, though from the media’s perspective for the public. There would be no classified information there. But the one that did catch my eye was a personal biography.

I shouldn’t have clicked on it. I knew that. It was an invasion of privacy to look into someone’s past without their permission, and I only ever did so when necessary. In this instance, it was .

Born from a predominately Terran family tree, a few mixed genes had made their way into his DNA but not enough to present prominently. He was the oldest child of three, with two younger sisters that went into medicine and music respectively. In fact, his youngest sister was famous throughout the Intergalactic Union for her songs. Raised in a middle-class family, his parents were small business owners within his hometown, providing homemade food and beverages through their small café.

It looked like an idyllic life. Simple and humble and free to focus on the important parts of living, such as love and family.

I didn’t know how he felt about his past or his family, or why he chose to become a military man, but he must not have known how good he had it if he chose to leave all that behind.

I let my mind wander with images of a family, of coming home from school via the family business and grabbing a drink and a pastry on the way. Of having two loving parents, and annoying siblings that I loved to hate but would do anything for. Of friends and silly crushes. Of the freedom to be who I chose to be, do what I chose to do.

Even now, despite no longer being in a cage of needles, scalpels, pain and misery, I wasn’t free. No, I was still fighting, still stuck in the perpetual cycle of survival. I had goals to achieve, and none of them allowed for me to stop and just breathe, to enjoy the small moments and to feel .

I reduced the hologram and shut off the holo-tab, unable to keep looking. My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest it was racing so hard. Even though the stories and images were no longer visible, envy kept stabbing into my gut and my chest, twisting the deeper it got.

I would never have that. I would never have a family or friends who loved me. All I had was Libby, and I had betrayed that friendship when I left her behind.

The speakers sputtered for a tick and then emitted the obnoxious buzzing sound that purposed as our wake-up call. The others began to rouse. Foryk released a grunt as he shifted above me, and across the way I saw Bromm stretch out his arms and legs. When he arched his back his hips lifted, and I caught the way the blanket tented around his groin. It remained tented when he relaxed back into the mattress, his hand coming down to flick at it. I realised he was aroused.

He glanced my way and caught me staring, a smirk lighting up his face as he gripped the base and shook it.

A flood of warm heat spread between my legs, and I jerked my head away. Did I desire the Griknot alongside the captain? Surely not. I wasn’t even attracted to Griknots. Their beards were too freakish. Even now it wriggled and twitched in an outward display of his arousal and amusement.

But the sudden image of Bromm’s face between my thighs, his facial tentacles caressing around my core, flicking the small nub that pulsed at the way my mind conjured an image of him on his knees for me…

Stars above, what was wrong with me?

When he rose from the bunk, I kept my gaze on the holo-tab that I was flipping around in my hands. I noticed his erection pointing directly at me in my periphery as if it were issuing a challenge and calling me out for my wandering eyes. After a beat, he strutted into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

I released a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding, and the sound seemed to echo within the small confines of the room, grabbing Reece’s attention as he jumped down from his bunk. He eyed me as if I were a puzzle he couldn’t figure out, though there was a small gleam of knowing in that look that made me feel like a small child caught red-handed.

Foryk’s large body interrupted the silent interaction when he slid off his bunk and blocked our view of one another. He seemed oblivious to the weird atmosphere, but when he turned around, his own erection practically smacked me in the face. It was so long and large that he needed to push it down with his hands to avoid a collision. His gaze snagged on the closed bathroom door, and he let out an impatient huff at the grunting that sounded from behind it.

Was Bromm…?

Uncomfortable in the suddenly very virile room, I stepped outside to avoid any more run-ins with pointing penises.

A few clicks later I was joined by a put-together Reece. He leaned against the wall beside me, quiet but in a contemplative way.

‘You must have grown up in a pretty conservative family,’ he surmised, and it took me a moment to get over my surprise that he had initiated a conversation with me before I really heard what he said.

‘Um, not conservative necessarily,’ I began slowly, debating how much truth to include in my answer. I decided on being as honest as I could without giving anything away. ‘There weren’t many options where I grew up, and we weren’t exactly permitted to… mingle.’

His brows lowered, a V-shaped wrinkle forming between them. ‘That sounds pretty conservative to me,’ he rebutted. It wasn’t unkind, just confused.

I lifted a shoulder in a small shrug. ‘It was more strict than conservative. Lots of rules. Not much opportunity to… uh, explore .’

I knew I should have felt some level of distress and self-consciousness having this conversation with anyone, let alone a practical stranger, but that wasn’t the case. If anything, it lifted a weight off my shoulders I hadn’t realised was there.

‘You’ve never…?’ he asked, and he didn’t need to finish he question for me to understand his meaning.

‘Nope. Never.’ And I was surprised to learn how unashamed I was of that fact.

‘Do you even know what you like?’

I frowned, not understanding. ‘What I like?’

His pale skin flushed a deep crimson at the question, and I wondered what it was exactly that he was getting at.

‘Do you like women? Men? Both?’

I high-pitched giggle escaped me, and I smacked my hands over my mouth to keep any more from escaping. It was the furthest thing from a manly sound that could have come out of me, and I worried I’d just given myself away. I decided to pretend it hadn’t even happened and hope for the best which seemed to be the correct choice from his reaction. He was more amused and embarrassed than suspicious, thank the stars.

I bit my lip to prevent my smile from forming at how out of his comfort zone he seemed when he was the one asking the questions.

‘I don’t think it matters,’ I finally said.

He look he shot me was filled with bewilderment. ‘Why wouldn’t it matter?’

My head shook as I answered. ‘I’m not here to find a lover. I don’t have room for that sort of thing in my life. I don’t know if I ever will.’

I mumbled the last part in a low whisper, not intending for him to hear it, but the shock and sadness in his expression clued me in that I was unsuccessful.

Luckily, Bromm and Foryk exited the room then and interrupted Reece before he could speak up. I straightened from my perch against the wall, already walking down the corridor towards to elevator to lead us up to the mess hall. I didn’t need to look back to see Bromm and Foryk glancing between me and Reece. I could sense their gaze trying to penetrate my mental armour to discover what lay beneath.

I had noticed other team leaders sitting among their teams like they were a cohesive unit, though a few still held themselves separate and their group’s vibe was strained. I remained one of the latter, but this time Reece shot me a look the said he was beginning to understand why. I contemplated that as I ate, watching over my team through the invisible wall I had erected. I couldn’t decide if it was a good thing that there was at least one person who understood my need to stay aloof and unattached, or if he would keep digging into the reasons behind it and uncover something that would put the both of us in a precariously dangerous position.

There was a lot for me to ruminate over today, it seemed, but not all of it was imperative to my mission. All irrelevant matters would have to be cast aside to ensure I didn’t get distracted. That’s what ruined the best laid plans. I could attest to that from personal experience. The mission didn’t go according to plan and I had panicked, only for someone else paid the price.

And what a terrible price it was.