Chapter 35

Victoria

My brow furrowsat his question. "I don't see how. You're leaving in a couple weeks." The words send a pang of sorrow through me that I do my best to push down. I'll have plenty of time to be sad later. Right now, I want to focus on what we have.

His chest deflates on a sigh. "I know. What about … after?"

Pushing up onto my elbow, I look at him, still confused. "What do you mean?"

His fingers trail up and down my spine as he studies my face, his expression solemn. "I mean, why does this have to end just because I'm leaving?"

Brow still furrowed, I push all the way up to sitting, pulling the blankets with me, and a flash of pain crosses his face that I don't understand. "Because you'll be gone?" Even though the words come out sounding like a question, it seems like the most obvious thing in the world to me.

If he's not here, how can anything more happen?

"Right. Yes. I will. But I came here once. It's physically possible for it to happen again. Repeatedly. As often as we want."

One of my eyebrows arches up at that statement. "As often as we want," I repeat.

He shrugs. "Well, maybe not quite that often. But as often as I can, anyway. As often as you'll let me and my schedule allows. Even if I'm filming on location, I could adjust my scheduled breaks and come see you at least a couple times a month. I know it's a bit of a drive from the nearest airport, but it's not impossible."

I have to replay his words in my head a few times to make sure I really understand them. "You want a long-distance relationship?"

Sitting up, he shrugs again, reaching for one of my hands. "I can't say I want a long-distance relationship like that's a goal of mine, but I want a relationship with you, and if that's what that means, then yes."

"But why?" I blurt out the question before I can stop myself or think better of it, the words leaving my mouth as soon as they enter my head.

He chuckles, using his hold on my hand to pull me into his lap. Leaning back against the headboard, he pulls me against his chest, my ass on the bed and my legs across his thighs. His fingers resume their lazy path up and down my spine, and his chest rumbles against my shoulder when he speaks. "Because I'm falling in love with you."

I blink at the soft declaration, not sure how to process that. I wasn't expecting that at all. I wasn't expecting any of this, actually. Though maybe I should've been. The last time he stayed over, he mentioned wanting to talk about us, but I was so worried he was going to break it off, then so thrown by him saying he wanted to introduce me to movie stars so they could use me to design dresses for them that I didn't think about why he'd want to do that. Not really.

Pushing away from his chest, I look him in the eyes. "Are you trying to get me to move to LA?"

A grin flashes across his face, but he shakes his head. "No. I mean, if you had a reason to come visit besides seeing me, I feel like you probably would more often. Plus if you're working on a movie or designing for red carpet events, someone else would be footing the bill for you to fly down, and I feel like someone doing that as part of your job is more palatable than me offering to buy you and your daughter plane tickets on a regular basis. And you'd be making enough that paying for your own tickets sometimes wouldn't be difficult either. Of course, I'd come here more often since it's easier for me to just throw some things in a bag and hop on a plane. I can get a place while I visit if you're not comfortable with me staying here with you."

I cover my cheeks with my hands, a flood of possibilities racing through my mind, overwhelmed by thoughts I'd never even allowed myself to fantasize about. Not really. I mean, sure, I've fantasized about dating Hayden openly, showing him off, and this turning into a real relationship. But I always savagely cut off that line of thought before it could really take root, my thoughts only drifting in that direction when I was too tired to stop them, and I forced myself to stop as soon as I realized what I was doing.

And now he's suggesting it's possible?

"Think about it," he pleads, his arms wrapping around me, urging me back to his chest. "Please. Don't say no. Not yet."

"Erin doesn't even know about you," I whisper.

"Really? I mean, I know I'm more popular with adult women, and it'd be kinda weird for a fourth grader?—"

"Fifth grader," I correct automatically. "She finished fourth grade. She's a fifth grader now."

"My apologies. It'd be kinda weird for a fifth grader to have pictures of me on her walls." That makes me laugh, and he drops a kiss on my head, grinning. "But it seems weird she wouldn't even know who I am. I thought I had more name recognition than that."

My giggles are starting to verge toward hysteria, and I force deep breaths to rein myself in. I honestly just can't believe this conversation is even happening. Everything with Hayden has had a certain unreal quality to it from the beginning. The fact that it's all been a big secret doesn't help.

And now he's suggesting we end the secrecy. Let everyone know, including my daughter, and date openly.

"How would that even work?" I whisper the question, not really expecting him to have an answer. Because if I don't know, how would he?

Another kiss on my temple, and then his fingers come to my chin, tipping my face up to his for a gentle kiss on the lips. "However we want it to work," he whispers. "I've never dated a mom before, so I don't know the protocol for introducing me to her. I can wait, Victoria. We can go as slow as you need, as long as you still want to be with me."

"Okay," I whisper, the word once again coming out before I have time to consider it.

He pulls back, searching my face. "Really?"

Smiling, I nod. "Really."

The rest of my night with Hayden passes in a whirlwind. He's thrilled, and his happiness infuses our time with a lightness that's been lacking all along. I guess because there was always this sense of impending doom, dread for the end of our relationship that tinged all of our time together with a seriousness that's no longer necessary.

I still have my doubts, though.

Yes, in the moment, saying yes seemed like a good idea. And the part of me that said that is excited at the prospect of our relationship lasting longer than the short time he's in town.

But what will it look like when he leaves? Sure, he outlined a vague plan about visiting each other frequently. But will that be enough for him? When the newness wears off, will he still be okay with constantly traveling to see me?

Or will I be okay with him constantly having to leave again? Only having a weekend or a night here and there?

And he wants to meet Erin. I've never introduced a man to my daughter before, and I don't know how that's supposed to work. Even apart from the whole movie star angle, I've never dated anyone long enough to consider introducing them to Erin, so even if he were, I dunno, a plumber or an accountant, I still would feel completely thrown by the idea. But add in the movie star part?

How can this not be a train wreck?

Am I even ready for a real relationship?

That night I wait for Erin to be firmly ensconced in her favorite YouTube videos, headphones on, eyes glued to the screen. Most of the time, I try to keep a handle on what she's watching and for how long, but right now, I'm grateful I can call Brit to get some perspective and not have to worry about Erin listening in on my half of the conversation.

Closing myself in my room, I hit Brit's name on my phone. She answers on the second ring. "He wants our relationship to continue even after the movie's done filming," I blurt out as soon as she picks up.

"Hello to you too. I take it your sleepover went well," she responds.

I make a sound of frustration in my throat. "I don't have the time or the patience for you to act cute. I need help! I need advice!"

She laughs. "Tori, I'm not really sure I'm the best person to give advice. I don't exactly have a stellar track record for relationships either."

"You've at least had a long-term relationship before."

Now her laugh is rueful. "Yeah, a ten-year relationship where he emotionally manipulated me and destroyed my self-esteem. It's taken me five years to recover as much as I have, and while I enjoy living vicariously through your dating life, I'm not sure I want to do more than have a fling myself. Which was all this was supposed to be for you, anyway. What happened?"

"He says he's falling in love with me."

She whistles softly. "Whoa, that's heavy."

"Right? This isn't how flings are supposed to work, is it? I mean, I don't really know. I've never had one before. I thought I was in love with Erin's sperm donor, but he abandoned us, and then I've had a series of bad dates where the longest ‘relationship' among them only lasted to date five. This, with Hayden, is the longest relationship I've had in a decade, and it wasn't supposed to be a relationship at all. And he wants it to continue, but he lives in LA, and I'm freaking out!" The last comes out on a high-pitched whisper-shriek.

"I can tell. I'm just saying, I might not have the best advice to offer."

Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I sink onto my bed. "But I can't really ask anyone else. You're one of only two people besides Hayden and me who even know about us."

"Who's the other person?" She sounds almost affronted that I'd dare to let anyone else in on the secret.

"Mia, the costumer. She walked in on us kissing in the costume trailer a few weeks ago."

That has Brit laughing. "Of course. That makes sense. Okay, I can see why you might not go to her for advice."

"That and I'm pretty sure she'd be team Hayden all the way. She likes me well enough, but she and him have been friends for years. Her loyalty is definitely with him, not me."

"Right. Okay. So let's talk this through logically. We can even make a pro-con list." I stifle a snort. "Hush. You know it works. You've done them with me lots of times, and when has my pro-con list ever steered you wrong?"

"Okay, okay. We can make a pro-con list."

"Thank you. Now. Tell me exactly what he said and what you said. Oh, and does he know you're freaking out?"

"Of course not."

She chuckles. "Of course not. Why would you talk to him about your worries? That wouldn't make any sense at all."

"I know you're being sarcastic right now, but I need to figure myself out before I can talk to him about it. I just know I'm panicking, but I need to be able to articulate why before I tell him. Or maybe I won't need to tell him at all if we get to the bottom of it and it's not a thing anymore."

She grunts doubtfully. "Okay. I suppose that's not impossible. But fill me in on the sleepover."

I tell her about the conversation, both the one last night and the one a few weeks ago.

"What?" she shrieks when I get to the part about him offering to introduce me to people and show my designs around. "That's amazing! Has he done it yet?"

"No. God. I told him no."

"What?" This time I pull the phone away from my ear at her ear-splitting shriek. "What is wrong with you?"

"A lot, apparently."

"Oh my god, you're killing me."

"Hush. Anyway, he did an end run and had Mia talk to me."

"Did you shut her down too?"

I shift uncomfortably. "No. I sent her the pics she asked for, and she wants me to design something for a futuristic movie she's working on next."

"Tori." Her voice is serious. "That's amazing. Why is this the first I'm hearing about it?"

"I've been busy," I whine. "Plus, it's not like it's a done deal or anything. She asked me to draw some sketches. It's not an official offer of work."

"Oh please. If she wants you to draw some ideas, she's probably going to use you. Even if she doesn't for this project, if she likes your work well enough, she'll ask for something in the future that she thinks is more up your alley."

I hum. "She also wants me to talk to Aurora Cole about designing her gown for the movie premiere."

"What? Tori. Oh my god. You are the worst!"

"How am I the worst?" I ask on an incredulous laugh. "What did I do?"

"Nothing! That's precisely the problem. You've been sitting on all this incredible news. I thought we were friends." She sounds genuinely hurt.

"We are friends." I make my voice as soothing as possible. "I wouldn't be on the phone with you right now trying to sort out my life if we weren't. And I really have been busy. It's not that I didn't want to tell you …" I trail off, uncertain how to put into words what I've been feeling.

She's silent for a minute, giving me time to finish, but when I don't she fills in, "But you were having trouble believing that it was true? Or you thought if you told someone you'd jinx it somehow?"

"Yes," I breathe. "That. All of that. It all seems so unreal—working on a movie, Hayden, possibly working on other movies, designing gowns for movie stars. I don't know what to think or how to wrap my head around it at all. It feels like my life has become some kind of movie, actually. And if I say it out loud or look at it too directly, it might all disappear, like when you try to figure out something confusing in a dream and end up waking up, all of it gone."

She hums. "Okay. I'll accept that," she says at last. "But no more holding out on me. This is real. This is your life. It's happening. And if you don't hop on, this train is going to leave you at the station wondering what might've been. Is that what you want?"

Chewing on my lip, I think about that. "No." At first it's quiet, but when I repeat it, it's more firm. "No, I don't. I want this. I want to find out what happens next. I want …" Everything. But it still feels too risky to say that out loud.

"Good," Brit says, as though she heard the unspoken ending to that sentence. "I want that for you too. Now, back to Hayden. He says he's falling for you. That he wants to keep seeing you even after the movie's done with filming. That he's willing to come visit as often as possible. Don't you want that?"

"Yes. I think so."

"You think so." Her voice is flat.

I squirm. "I mean, yes, I do. It's just complicated. I don't know how it'll work. And I worry that if I bring him into my life more, introduce him to Erin and date him openly, that we'll all end up hurt when it doesn't work out."

Brit hums again, thoughtful. "I understand why you're afraid," she says slowly. "Look at me. I'm too chicken to even try, so I really do get it. I think that's one of the reasons we became such good friends. We both recognize that fear in each other. You're afraid of ending up abandoned and heartbroken again, and I'm afraid of falling for another asshole and having to stitch together all my tattered pieces again. It's a lot."

"Yeah." The word comes out thick, tears clogging my throat at her spot-on observations. I swallow hard, blinking away the sting from my eyes.

"But Tori," she says softly, "he doesn't want to abandon you. Erin's sperm donor bailed as soon as things got tough. Hayden knows you're busy, that you have a whole life here, a daughter and friends and a job and all the complications that come along with dating you. And he's welcoming it. He's looking for solutions. He's trying to help you. Does that seem like someone who'll leave you broken and alone?"

"I think he's as worried about being abandoned as I am." The realization hits me, and I know it's the truth. "He's worried about being used and then left in the dust once he outlives his usefulness."

"Is that part of the reason you don't want his help?"

"Yes. Exactly." I'm so glad I called Brit. She understands me better than anyone else.

"You're worried you'll be taking advantage of him. But Tori, he offered. It's not quite the same thing if he's offering instead of you constantly asking for favors, is it?"

I grunt. "I guess not. But what if he helps me on his own to start, but I get used to it and expect it all the time? And also, how pathetic would it look for my boyfriend to start calling all his famous friends and being like, ‘Hey, my girlfriend likes to make clothes. You should have her make a dress for you as a favor to me.'"

Brit laughs. "Is that really how you think it would happen?"

"I mean … kinda?"

She laughs again. "Okay, I know he's famous, but unless he blackmails people, why would they let you design their clothes if they don't like them? Does he have dirt on everyone in Hollywood or something?"

"Maybe." But even I don't believe that, and the word comes out belligerent and grudging, and Brit laughs again.

"Okay, sure. Maybe. What did he say to Mia? Did either one of them tell you?"

I shift my mouth from side to side, not wanting to answer, because I know I'm just proving her point. On a sigh, I finally admit, "Mia said he told her I design clothes too. That I'm not just a seamstress. She made it sound like it came up in passing in a conversation, though I'm not sure I believe that entirely. And she asked to see pictures of things I'd designed and made."

"And then she asked you to sketch something for this other film."

"Uh-huh."

"And you think she did all that because Hayden put her up to it." Every word of that statement is dripping with doubt.

Sucking in a deep breath, I shake my head. "I mean, not really. She did say that even if he had put her up to it, she'd only ask for designs if she thought I had something to offer. And she won't hire me if she doesn't like what I come up with."

"See? Your fears aren't exactly justified, are they? And isn't she the one who wanted you to talk to Aurora?"

"Yeah. She saw the wedding gown I did last summer. You remember the one? She said Aurora would love something like that."

"Oh, yeah. That gown was gorgeous. And you were so proud of it. The bride loved it and you were showered with compliments by everyone who saw it. Of course Mia and Hayden and Aurora would be equally impressed. You're the shit, Tori. It's just that for some reason, you have the hardest time realizing it."

I chuckle at her statement. "You know, I always think being the shit doesn't really sound that great. I mean, poop is gross."

Brit laughs too. "You know what I mean. You deserve this. You deserve good things and recognition for your hard work. Don't sabotage yourself just because you're scared of getting hurt."

I'm quiet for a long moment, contemplating her words. She makes many good points, even if admitting it feels scary. But of course, that's the point, right? To not let my fears hold me back?

"You're right," I say at last, and she gasps dramatically.

"Did you just admit out loud that I'm right? Did that just happen?"

Laughing, I fall back on my bed. "Oh, hush."

"I will not. I need to write this on my calendar. This is a momentous occasion."

"Please. You're right about a lot of things."

"Oh my god!" She has me on speaker now and she's yelling. "I must write all this down. What's today's date?"

"I want to take you up on your other offer."

"What offer is that?"

"You told me last year that if I ever wanted some space in your shop, I could have it. That offer. I want to make some things to sell on consignment."

"Seriously? That's awesome. Okay. Let's get coffee and talk about what kinds of things I think will sell best. I'll print off my list of bestsellers and we can figure out what you can make that would fit into that niche. Of course, I'm not sure you'll have time, what with all the fancy costumes and red carpet dresses you'll be making."

I make a derisive noise at that. "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Those are just possibilities. Your offer is firm and solid and reliable. Once the film is done, I'll have more free time, and then we can do all that."

"I can't wait. And Tori?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't sabotage yourself anymore, okay? Good things are happening. It's okay to embrace them."

"Thanks, Brit."

"Anytime."