Chapter 11

I can barely concentrate through dinner. Darcy invites me to stay and I don't feel like letting him out of my sight just yet. I can't quite believe, after what I've put myself through recently, that he wants me, too. So, just in case it's all a terrible dream, and I wake up tomorrow feeling like I do now but with an oblivious best friend—and if that happens, I don't think I could ever face him again—I'm sticking by his side for as long as I can to make the most of it.

If his parents notice our flushed faces and kiss-bruised lips, they don't say anything. More noticeable is the difference in Darcy; he's lost the faded look he's been wearing since Julia gave her news. He looks like his colours have come brighter in the wash. Maybe it's just me who's seeing him that way. His mum probably wouldn't notice anything, but I see his dad give him a couple of curious glances. Not in a bad way, or frowning. If anything, he looks pensive, hopeful almost. At one point, Darcy knocks his knee into mine and I look at him. He gives me a small, secret smile, and my heart flips over in my chest. I glance back at his parents and his dad is watching us. I give him my widest smile.

"This is great bolognese, Mr Franklin. You'll have to teach me the recipe one day."

"Thank you, and I can show it to you anytime," he says with a smile that reaches his eyes, and follows it with a few quick nods. "I'd like that."

I feel like I've passed some sort of test, even though this should be like any of the many previous occasions I've had dinner with Darcy and his parents.

There is tarte au citron for dessert, and just knowing this would have been incentive enough for me to stay for dinner. I won't tell Darcy... though maybe I will, as he'll think it funny and he would totally understand. Something settles deep in my core that I have someone who knows me on that level. That I didn't lose him like I feared, but I got more than I'd ever hoped. I want to do a whole lot more with him—deliciously sinful things. Now that Darcy's reciprocation has freed me from trying to keep a lid on my desires, ideas crowd my head. I take a deep breath. I need to stop these thoughts quickly. They're wholly inappropriate for the dinner table, and I'm getting hard and uncomfortable in my jeans. A subtle nudge from Darcy's knee brings me back into focus after I must have been staring at my plate for too long. Keeping my head down as my cheeks heat, not wishing for anyone to ask what I've been thinking, I take a spoonful of the tarte and it tastes as good as it looks. I swear the man's culinary skills are wasted on his family.

As soon as we're finished, I help clear the table. I'm both desperate to get Darcy alone again, and also wanting to prolong the anticipation of it. As soon as we're in his room, I kick off my shoes and throw myself headlong onto his bed. It's a move I've made hundreds of times before and he chuckles at me. This time though, I lie on my side and invite him to join me. He lies on his back next to me, but he's tentative about it and I draw back slightly, wondering if I've pushed it too far.

"What's wrong?" I frown down at him, trying not to let worry cloud my thoughts.

"I—I don't know what we do next," he says, and a crease crosses his brow. I've never noticed before how adorable it is.

"Well, I'd really like to kiss you again. If that's okay?" I say, and receive an enthusiastic nod and a smile. "We'll figure it out, D. We have all the time in the world."

"Okay," he whispers, as he turns to face me and snakes his hand across my hip, which I take as encouragement to kiss him. This time he tastes of the sweet and sharp citrus of the tarte, and damn, if he's going to start tasting of my favourite foods, I might believe there is a heaven and I've just landed there.

"Hmmmm." Darcy lets out a sigh and snuggles closer against me, his head resting on my shoulder. I marvel at the freshness of the excitement rippling through me, whilst slipping into a warm familiarity like we've been doing this forever.

"So, will you dance with me at the Nationals?" Darcy asks, flicking a glance up at me.

I falter. He can't possibly mean it.

"I told you, I'm not good enough."

"And I said that was rubbish. Weren't you listening?"

"I might have been a bit distracted." I huff, not really wishing to revisit the revulsion I've had for myself for the last few days.

"I'm sorry." I barely hear the words.

"Hey, none of that. You have nothing to be sorry for. I was hating myself for fancying you. Wanting to hit on my straight best friend. It's not cool, man. I thought the only way to deal with it was to stay away from you. But the truth ate me up inside."

"I thought I'd chased you off." He flashes those eyes at me again, shining green under dark lashes, and it fairly takes my breath away. I'm a sucker for them and always will be. "I thought you'd picked up on my thoughts towards you. I have to admit, I wasn't sure what the thoughts were at first, but I believed I'd somehow repelled you. You, who could have anyone."

"Hey." I crook my finger under his chin and lift it gently so he has to look at me. "I don't want just anyone, D. I want you."

I lean down and place a gentle kiss to his lips, just briefly, and feel him smile against me.

"It was Claire who helped me sort out what I was feeling," he says when I release him.

"Oh, what did she say?" I'm all shades of curious now. Claire is, well, a typical big sister; she gives a lot of tough love. She means well, but she speaks plainly.

"She said she was sure I'd been in love with you since I was sixteen."

What? I swallow. Has he?

"Um, I don't know what to say." I truly don't know how to process that nugget of information, if it's true.

"I've been thinking a lot about this." Darcy seems to gain a bit more confidence in my own unease.

"I don't really know how to sort this out in my head. I haven't really been attracted to anyone at all. I've only ever been with Julia, and we agreed early on that it was a mistake that would hurt our dancing partnership. I've never really had the opportunity to meet anyone else, and if I had, who would be happy with their boyfriend dancing with another girl? I wasn't attracted to guys, either. I guess I considered that a relationship wasn't for me somehow, like I wasn't normal. But Claire's words brought out that the only person I've really felt anything for is you. This wanting to kiss you, wanting to do... more." His little pause cracks my heart and I squeeze him a bit tighter. "That's new, but I was so scared. No, I am scared that it won't be enough for you."

This time, when he looks at me I can see the unshed tears brimming in his eyes, and my heart splits open. I can't believe what a precious thing he just trusted me with. An admission of himself that I don't think he would have told me before. Even with our best friends, we keep some parts of our natures bottled up, frightened to say things we can't even admit to ourselves.

I don't respond for a few seconds, but I tighten my hold and he turns to lie against me, wrapping his arm around me.

"You will always be perfect for me, D. We've got this, just like we always have. This is us, just becoming even better."

I understand at that moment that it might take Darcy some time for anything more physical, and despite giving in to my thoughts of what I"d like to do with him, I already know there's not going to be anyone else for me. I ignore the pang of disquiet that the memory of my last Brazen visit invokes; it will fade in time. And time is what we have. I have all the time in the world to help him figure it out.

His tears dampen the shoulder of my T-shirt as I let him sob it out, holding him tightly. I wipe away a few of my own which have spilled down my cheeks.

Eventually, he lifts his head slightly to look at me.

"Feel better?" I ask, and he shrugs a little.

"I should be happy, but right now I feel drained." I get that. It's been an emotional few days, so he's bound to feel wrung out, and I can't say I feel any better.

"Well," I start, trying a smile on for size. "You were just trying to convince me to dance with you."

This time, I get a more positive response and, with dancing, I know we're on a more stable topic. He sits up fully and crosses his legs. I'm sorry for the loss of contact, but he does seem more animated. I raise myself up, too, and lean my back against the wall.

"You're easily as good as, if not better than, any of the dancers we've seen try out."

"But I'm just an amateur." It's true, I've only been in a few competitions and always at the lower levels.

"But that's because you haven't had the right partner." Darcy is more confident now that he's in familiar territory. "If you'd had the right partner, then you would've been able to dance in the open competitions."

"I dunno." I'm not convinced.

"C'mon Nick, you've been dancing for what? Eight or nine years now?"

"Eight years, seven months," I reel off. I really only know that level of detail, as it was my birthday when I first had lessons, so it was memorable. It gets a laugh, though.

"Exactly. Yet there are people competing in the open competitions who have only been dancing three or four years. Honestly, you are much better than them."

I tip my head back against the wall, trying to imagine a reality where I could dance in an open competition. It's something I'd thought of as a concept, not believing it could actually happen. And here was Darcy, offering it on a plate. I don't want to let him down. I could ruin his chances.

"I have no experience." Is what I finally sputter. "I don't know if I can do it, D."

Darcy rests an elbow on his knee and cups his chin as he thinks. Then he breaks out into a grin.

"There are the North Midland regionals in Chesterfield in a few weeks. Why don't we dance there? It's the next competition before the Nationals that's close enough to get to. That will help you get some experience. And then we can announce that we'll dance at the Nationals. It'll be our secret."

I blow out a breath. It certainly sounds much more manageable to dance there than the city hall, at the most prestigious event on the calendar.

"Yes, alright," I reply. "I'd love to try it." He launches forward and plants a kiss on my lips.

"Woohoo, this is going to be fantastic!" His joy is infectious and I grin at him, but I also don't want to let him down.

"But please, can you still try out with other people? Just in case I can't manage to dance in front of so many people."

He frowns, but says fine in a way that conveys he doesn't believe I could let him down.

I leave shortly after, as I have work tomorrow with my dad. It's a job that's across town, so we have to start early, but I'm not allowed to head home until I've promised to return the next evening so we can work on our dance for the regionals.

I call at the convenience store on my way to the bus stop. I pick up my usual gummy sweets and also a packet of Love Hearts, laughing at myself for being in the mood for their sentimental messages right now.