38. Caspian

Ican smell her. That sweet thing.

I can't remember what she is or what she wants. What she looks like. Why she's here, always near. I can't even touch her—reach out and grip and grasp.

The smell of her is enough for me. Beautiful, terrible, lingering little scent. All mine to breathe in. The world's to take.

She isn't mine, not really.

But…

More than Cassius ever was. More than anyone I have ever tasted or tormented or fucked. More than any other soul I may have killed…

This one, I want. I want it so badly I'll kill to have it. Bite and tear.

I want it so badly I will remember…

All of the bad things.

The many, many, many, MANY times I have sinned.

Mainly for him, but not always. Cassius wound up the key in my back, but I would dance like a little windup doll in their direction with glee. My many victims. Their cries are numerous, scratching and clawing, and scraping at my skull.

There is no collective to shut them out. No Cassius to keep their souls at bay. They haunt me: in memories and images and violent sounds and smells.

Oh fuck, I remember everything.

And her…

She is a light dancing in the darkness. She wandered to me willingly. Came to me willingly. Danced with my dangerous heart out of her own accord.

We will kill her, a part of me hisses and murmurs with joy. Kill her. Rip her. Taste her. Eat her.

However, there is another part of me. A forgotten part. It doesn't know what it wants or why it even exists. I barely remember it.

Maybe I do.

A name. A life. A purpose. A meaning.

He existed once. What was his name? I can't remember. I can't remember.

Can't…

Then I smell sweet air on soft skin and I do remember.

Collin. Someone named Collin. I was him once. Once.

No more. Never can I ever be him again.

But he existed once, a part of me that Cassius will never touch. After all these years, he hasn't snuffed him out. Collin. He is who I cling to in this torment of mindless thought.

He is my anchor without my master, Cassius.

Collin. Someone named Collin. I was him once.

I have no choice but to be him again—an amalgamation of him and who I am now. Caspian.

I am Caspian.

Was Caspian.

Still am Caspian.

I want to remain as Caspian until the day I fucking die.