Chapter Twelve | Brody

I only had another couple of things to finish up before I could end my day. It was Friday so I wouldn't be expected to come into work for the weekend. That didn't mean I'd stop pouring over files, but work would have to wait until tomorrow. My mom had invited me over for dinner tonight along with my brother and his family. I wasn't sure how social I was feeling. It had been a hard week, but I'd never turn my mom down. It meant I was going to miss seeing Noah, though.

Me: I'm going to my mom's for dinner tonight.

Noah: sad face emoji I'm going to miss you.

Me: I'll miss you too.

Noah: I want to kiss you again. And do that other thing too. winking emoji

I leaned back in my chair, my cock swelling. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about that blowjob. The memory kept intruding at the most inopportune moments. The feel of his tongue and lips on my cock for the first time had been explosive. I'd received a lot of blowjobs over the years, but none matched the one Noah had given me. He was skilled, but it wasn't just that. It was the way he'd looked at me while he was down there. As if he'd like to stay down there forever.

Noah's thick lashes had opened and shut over his beautiful blue eyes, only allowing me brief glimpses of his soul. What we'd been doing was more than two bodies exchanging pleasure. We'd been making a commitment to one another. That we were in this thing together.

Whatever it was we were doing.

I rubbed my left pec with a closed fist. My heart practically ached when I thought about him and he wasn't nearby. As with every weekend recently, I couldn't wait until Monday.

Me: I liked that other thing.

Noah: I surmised that. Come to the pub after your dinner and I'll let you fill me again.

God, I wanted to say yes. But I knew after being at my mom's, I would be exhausted.

Me: I want to see you but I'm going to be too tired.

Noah: frowning emoji Monday?

Me: I'll be there for sure.

Noah: kissing emoji

I responded by reacting to the message with a heart. I wasn't sure if that little red heart was too much. But he had to know he was making mine yearn for him. Surely, he saw it in my eyes. No one had ever been able to read me like Noah could. When he looked at me, he saw me . The one inside. The one brimming with thousands of thoughts and emotions. He could cut through what some considered to be a blank stare and find me among the chaos in my head.

I rubbed my jaw. The exchange of suggestive words had caused my ears and cheeks to tingle and burn. I flipped through the papers on my desk, urging my cock to calm down.

A knock on the door and Alesia popped her head in.

"Anything else I can do for you today, Brody. "

I shook my head. I'd told Alesia about my date with Noah. The beautiful scenery. The fact we'd had an honest conversation over dinner. The kiss.

She'd asked if we were getting serious.

I hadn't known how to answer that question.

I'd stayed quiet until she patted my arm and excused herself from my office.

"No, I'm going to pack it in. Dinner at my mom's tonight."

"Oh, lovely. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yes. Her emphysema kicked it up a notch for the last two weeks."

"Is she still smoking?"

"Can't make her stop."

"I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "Not your fault."

"Well, I hope you have a wonderful dinner with your family."

I nodded.

My family less my dad. But then, hadn't it always been that way, truly? My dad was never really in the picture. He pretended to be, spending every weekend with my brother and me, taking us on car adventures, swimming and fishing in the lake, board games by the fireplace—

I shook my head. Lies. It had all been lies.

Forgiven but not forgotten. I'd never trust that man ever again.

I made a quick stop at home to take Bentley out for his business then loaded him into my car. He loved going to Mom's. She had a bad habit of feeding him under the table.

He lived for it.

My mom was waiting with a revved-up hug for me, ready to squeeze the life out of me. When I was young, hugging made me panic. Sensory overload. Sometime during my teens, my body's reaction changed, and I longed for physical contact. When I knew it was coming.

And my mom's hug was coming in hot.

"Oh, my boy." Mom kissed the side of my neck as she clung to me, the cannula from her oxygen tube making my skin crawl a little. Even with her lungs failing, my brother and I couldn't convince her to stop smoking. She fed us nonsense about how she was accepting her fate . I tried not to grip her too tight. Every time I saw her, Mom was thinner—bonier.

"What are we cooking?" I would help her in the kitchen. She didn't need my help, but we loved cooking together. She released me, took a step back, and lifted my chin with her finger.

"I'm seeing the hint of a smile there," she said then smirked. "And it's not for me."

"Things are going good with Noah," I confessed.

"Come into the kitchen." She waved at me to follow her. "Tell me about him."

I washed my hands and started cutting the vegetables my mom had set out. A pot of chili was simmering on the stove. I could smell buns baking in the oven. I'd be making the salad.

"What does he do for work?" she asked.

"He owns a pub downtown. He worked hard and saved up enough money to buy it."

"That's impressive. What about his family."

"They're all lawyers."

"Oh." Mom's eyebrows arched. "That's handy. Have you met them yet?"

I caught a glimmer of something in Mom's eyes which looked to me like insecurity. She thought I was embarrassed of her. Her worn-out appearance after years of working too hard as a baker and the oxygen tank she hauled around with her made her unsure of herself. I probably hadn't told Mom often enough how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. How she'd always been in my corner. As a child, she had put my brother and me first over her happiness. In a completely fucked up way mind you, but I'd grown to appreciate what she'd sacrificed.

"Noah and I are going to a gala next weekend. His parents will be there."

Mom nodded.

"You'll meet him soon … I promise," I added.

"What kind of gala?"

"For underprivileged children. I have to wear a tux."

Mom smiled at me. "You'll look so handsome."

I wanted to tell her the rest. To run it past her. I finished slicing the mushrooms before I spoke again. Mom knew when to give me time to think.

"He told his mom that I'm his fiancé."

Mom stopped stirring the chili. "Are you?"

"Mom. No." I started in on the red peppers, not wanting to look at her. I didn't want to see a lingering face of possible betrayal on her. "He told his mom that, so she'd get off his back."

"Off his back about what?"

"She wants him to be married. To have a family with children."

"Does he want that?"

Noah and I had only touched on it a couple of times. The consensus seemed to be—

"Yes. With the right person."

"Oh." Mom went back to stirring. "Do you want to be that person?"

I stopped chopping. It was too soon to even be thinking that way. We were still getting to know each other. There were so many topics we had yet to cover.

"I like Noah a lot, but we're not there. We're nowhere near there. "

Mom sighed. "I don't like that you're both lying to his family."

I gritted my teeth. She had no legs to stand on when it came to lying. The poor red peppers didn't stand a chance. I went at them hard. Mangled slivers of pepper on the salad it was.

Before I had a chance to respond, the front door swung open, and the quiet atmosphere of the kitchen was invaded by the arrival of my brother and his family.

"Hey, Mom … we're here!"

I mumbled, "Yup, we figured that out," beneath my breath.

Mom smacked my arm, playfully. "Be nice."

I waited for the onslaught. Whereas I was reserved, my older brother, Charlie, was gregarious. And his wife, Julie, was just as demonstrative. Their two sons, six and nine—little demons.

The family of chaos made their way upstairs and into the living room. Charlie and I weren't close. I'd been his weird little brother. The butt of his friend's jokes when they came over. Once. My brother hadn't put up with their abuse. His circle of friends was constantly changing. He was forever getting into fights while defending me. I had appreciated him more than he knew.

"Brody." Charlie nudged my shoulder. "Mom says you have a boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend." I must have sounded curt because Charlie put both hands up.

"Okay. Okay. Not your boyfriend. But you've been seeing someone?"

"His name is Noah."

"And is this Noah treating you good? Cuz if not, I'm going to kick his ass. I don't want another repeat of that Ricky asshole. Dude is lucky I haven't run into him. "

"Noah is not an asshole. Promise."

Charlie tapped my chest over my heart with his finger. "He makes you happy in here?"

"Very."

"Then, I guess that'll have to be good enough for me."

I smiled. "As long as you're happy."

Charlie pointed at my face. "Did you see that? I need to meet this guy who makes you smile."

"Not yet. We've just started seeing each other. We've only been on one date."

"One date? Mom made it sound like you were ready to walk down the aisle together."

I shook my head. I didn't want to rehash this. Noah's views on marriage. I received my reprieve in the form of two young boys tearing past us and almost knocking me over.

"Boys!" Charlie yelled then went after them as they streaked down the hallway.

"Dinner is ready," Mom shouted and then coughed, her frail body convulsing.

"You sit, Mom," Julie said while pulling out a chair at the dining room table. "I'll bring everything from the kitchen and set it out. You've already done enough."

I joined Julie in the kitchen and removed the freshly baked buns from the oven. My entire childhood washed over me. Good and bad. Mom's homemade bread had been a constant.

Once Julie and I had everything on the table, Charlie corralled the boys onto seats and served them first. Who knew how long they'd be able to sit still? The food was passed around and we were soon eating. I tore my bun in half, buttered both sides and dipped one part into my chili.

There was conversation but I didn't partake.

I took a chili-covered bite of buttery bread.

Beautiful .

Mom made the best chili. She wasn't a fancy cook, but she was an expert at all the simple meals I'd grown up with and now made for myself. They kept me fed and happy.

Like the wings at Noah's. Except they came with the added benefit of his company. Weeks back when I had first wandered into a new-to-me pub, nervous about trying somewhere different, I never could have imagined the gorgeous man behind that bar would someday be mine.

I tapped my bun into the chili.

Mine.

Was Noah mine? Had we claimed each other with that first kiss? It was confusing. We hadn't known each other for long but we'd taken our time, only a few brief hours each weeknight getting to know one another, building what felt like an unshakeable foundation.

He had gone down on his knees for me last night. Looked up at me as if I was the most precious thing to him. Accepted my cock in his mouth like it was meant to be there.

"Brody?" Mom touched my arm. I'd stopped eating. "Are you all right?"

"Just working through some stuff in my head."

"About Noah?"

I exhaled and gave her a half-smile. "He's on my mind."

"Little bro has it bad," Charlie teased and then laughed. I ignored him and cleaned the last of the chili from my bowl and exchanged that bowl for my plate of salad. As expected, Mom was feeding scraps to Bentley beneath the table. His stomach was going to be creating gas bombs.

My brother's two terrors leapt up from the table and went straight to the television, using the clicker to turn it on. Mom had two streaming services with shows for kids for when her grandsons came over. I wondered if someday, my own kids would join them on the couch .

I pushed the thought away and finished my salad then helped Charlie and Julie clear the table. Like a well-oiled machine, the two of them went to work cleaning the kitchen. I went back for Mom and assisted her in settling on her big comfy recliner. I covered her lap with a blanket.

Her breathing slowed as she drifted off. It was telling that she hadn't gone out for a cigarette after dinner like she used to religiously. She was slowing down. Didn't even have the energy to partake in the vice that had put her health in this state of decline in the first place.

I wondered how long she had left.

I went to the kitchen where Charlie and Julie were loading the dishwasher and washing the big chili pot having put the rest of the goodness into containers for Mom to heat up.

"I'm going to go."

"Big date?" Julie asked.

"No, I'm tired. I told Noah I'd see him on Monday."

"He's okay with your strict routine?" Charlie asked.

"It's not strict. We went for a hike and dinner on Saturday."

Charlie's eyebrows rose. "You really are serious about this guy."

"He gets me."

"He knows you've got ASD?"

I balled up my fists. "Why does everyone ask me that? Being on the spectrum doesn't mean I can't have a meaningful relationship like neurotypical people."

Sometimes, I didn't even believe that myself. That I was capable of being loved. Look what happened with Ricky. He had called me cold and distant and harassed me about it, using it as the excuse why he had felt the need to see other guys behind my back even when we were living together.

"I never said you aren't capable," Charlie shot back .

"Then why bring it up? I'm sick and tired of being treated like I'm less than."

"Whoa. Back up. I never said that either."

Julie stepped between us. "Guys, you're going to upset Mom."

I could feel the heat prickling my face. I'd been close to having a meltdown. I hadn't had one of those since the last time I was in the same space as Charlie. Not sure why he triggered me. He'd never said one mean thing to me in my life. Maybe I was jealous of the way he was able to coast through life without people scrutinizing him every time he did or said something odd.

I turned and left, bundling my coat around me as I walked to my car, Bentley in tow. I slumped into my driver-side seat and slammed the door. I wasn't sure he would answer. He was busy at work. I shouldn't be bothering him, but I needed him. I knew he wouldn't mind.

Me: I miss you.

Almost ten minutes passed and then …

Noah: Are you all right? Did dinner go well?

Me: Lost it on my brother. Nothing new.

Noah: Do you want to meet for pie later to talk? I can escape out of here around ten.

Me: I need you to kiss me.

Noah: I can do that. More than once if you need it.

Me: I always need your lips now.

Noah: Is it weird that your honesty makes me hot ?

Me: We'll put ice cream on your pie to cool you down.

Noah: Ha. Ha. Ha. stuck out tongue emoji See you at ten at Jimmy's?

I looked at the time on my phone. I'd have enough time to get out to Langford and have a shower before heading back into the city to meet Noah.

Me: Can't wait.

At 9:55 pm, I opened the door to the first place Noah and I had gone together. He wasn't there yet, so I followed the server to a booth near the back of the restaurant. Ten minutes later, Noah strolled in looking more edible than any pie slice in the place.

"Hey, handsome," Noah said as he slid into the seat across from me. His foot was immediately against mine, his shoe rubbing my ankle.

"I almost had a meltdown at Mom's. Charlie didn't even do anything wrong. Just brought shit up that has been crowding up my head. Most days, I go through life not thinking about the fact I'm on the spectrum. I'm just out there living my life like everyone else. When I started telling people about you, it's one of the first things they'd ask. Does Noah know you're on the spectrum? It's making me crazy. It shouldn't even matter. I mean, I know it does … but it shouldn't."

I stopped to breathe.

Noah reached across the table. I sighed and took his hand. The warmth of it immediately soothed me. He leaned forward and rested his other arm on the table.

He didn't speak.

"Sometimes, my emotions become a bit too much," I continued. "Then it's like they start leaking out of my ears. My brain starts to buzz, I feel faint, and then I lose my shit. "

"Okay."

I frowned at him. "How can you just say okay ?"

"Because I'm here for you no matter what." He reached his other hand forward and encased mine with it, cradling me in both hands. "Not sure if you felt it last night, but I feel like something shifted when I was down on my knees. It wasn't just my body aching for you … it went deeper than that. I felt like we came to an agreement … a commitment with one another."

I nodded. "I felt it too."

Noah smiled at me. "Good. I'm not going crazy. I've been driving Liam insane all night second guessing myself. And then when you said you weren't coming into the pub, I wondered."

"Wondered what?"

"If you'd felt it too. If it had scared you. If I was setting myself up for heartache."

My pulse surged. Heartache . Were we there yet? I couldn't imagine losing Noah now. So many puzzle pieces had snapped into place in the time we'd spent together. Large and small pieces. Oddly shaped ones. Ones that looked like they'd never find a home because the colours didn't appear to be shared by any around them. Noah had become those matching pieces for me.

"It didn't scare me."

"Me either." Noah squeezed my hand. "I want you to be my boyfriend."

My arms seriously went numb. Shoulders to wrists. If Noah hadn't been holding my hand, I would have sworn it disappeared. The other one felt like a dead tingling weight.

I was shocked.

Noah, an incredible, beautiful man wanted to claim me regardless of my faults. Noah, a perfectionist, saw me and thought I was worthy of his commitment.

The best I could do was nod .

The grin he gave me sealed some of those puzzle pieces together in my heart.

Sent me tumbling hard.

Saturday morning, I awoke as Noah's boyfriend. The title made me feel warm and cozy inside. I liked being his. After our conversation, Noah had taken off back to the pub to finish up the night. He was stuck closing, and I was too exhausted to stay awake any later.

I rolled toward my bedside table, my phone ringing, and grabbed it.

Rainbow Centre.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Brody, it's Jamal. Just wanted to let you know your police record check came back and you're all good to start volunteering."

After my last visit to the Rainbow Centre, I drove to the police station and filled out the necessary paperwork for them to do a record check and send the results to the centre.

"Can I start today?" I knew Noah would be there. It was one of the things we had discussed last night over pie, that I had applied to be a volunteer at the centre. Noah had been thrilled.

"Of course. Always lots of kids here on the weekend and Kyle will be here."

"I'll come in at two like Noah."

"Perfect. We'll see you then."

I ended the call. I would have a shower and do some work before heading over there. First, I had to deal with the animals. I wandered out into the living room and opened Patricia and Philip's cage doors. They had free reign in the house during the day.

"Good morning, lovelies," I said .

"Asshole," Philip squawked.

"Yes, it is a beautiful day, Philip. Thank you for saying so."

"Fucker."

Patricia started making kissing noises, so I leaned forward and kissed her beak.

"Good morning." She bobbed her head repeatedly until I petted her feathers. The cats were circling my legs, yowling, and stretching up to use my calves as a scratching post. Bentley was still asleep. He was sleeping longer and longer. I didn't disturb him. Just went into the kitchen to prepare everyone's morning meals. The cats had their kibble, and the birds would get pellets, and some cut-up melons and cucumbers. The hedgehog already had food in her dish, and it wasn't a feeding day for the gecko. I dumped some senior formula wet dog food into Bentley's dish.

My phone dinged.

Noah: Good morning, boyfriend.

I smiled.

Me: It is now, boyfriend.

Noah: Yum.

I laughed. We were like a couple of high school students. I'd never been asked to be anyone's boyfriend before. It made me feel special and seen and exhilarated.

Noah: What's your plan for today?

Me: I'm going to the centre.

Noah: Same time as me?

Me: Yes. I want to see you .

Noah: Maybe we can sneak in a kiss.

I bit my bottom lip as I looked at the screen. Imagining kissing Noah again made me feel squirrelly inside as if I might bust open due to the commotion in my gut.

Me: I'd like that.

Noah: See you in a few hours, boyfriend.

This time I didn't feel strange about responding with a red heart. My heart was tied up tight in the emotions of this change in our relationship. I was hopeful Noah felt the same.

Everyone fed, I went to my home office and opened my laptop. After working for a few hours, I had just enough time to have a shower and be at the centre by two. I was ten minutes early.

Once inside, I headed for the library. Noah and I could find each other later. He'd probably be in the gym playing basketball again today. I imagined he enjoyed it. It was another topic of conversation we could have. Our childhoods. It would be a heavy one, but I felt like I was in a place where I could trust Noah enough to tell him about our family's sordid history. He could tell me about how growing up with his parents had been and what activities he had enjoyed.

Kyle was sitting in his usual spot. I was glad to see the bag for the emotion cards sitting beside him. He had the cards in his hands, and he was mouthing the questions.

My presence didn't throw him off. He just looked at me and then went back to practicing. I sat beside him, ensuring I didn't touch him. I sat with him for half an hour before I spoke.

"Are you finding those helpful?"

Kyle nodded.

"Do you practice with your mom?"

Kyle nodded .

"Do you feel like you could practice on me?"

Kyle directed a blank stare at me then his nose wrinkled, and he nodded.

I smiled at him.

"Happy," he said. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. I'm glad to be out of the house."

Kyle nodded.

I made a sad face.

"Sad," he said. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"No, I'm just sad today. How are you?"

I could see Kyle's body tense. Answering questions was far more difficult than asking them. I wanted to see what Kyle had to say.

"My mom was mad at me this morning."

"That happens with moms. It means she loves you."

"A volcano went off inside me. I made a mess of my room. Broke things."

"Hm … yeah, that can happen. I've done it too. Not anymore, though. Sometimes, I still get mad and feel like punching holes in the walls … but I don't." I smiled at him. "I'm in charge of my house now, so I'd also be in charge of doing the repairs and I suck at stuff like that."

Kyle sighed and nodded. "I'll try harder."

"You'll get there." I dug my phone out. "Do you want to see pictures of my animals?"

Kyle leaned closer to me, his shoulder against my arm so he could see picture after picture … in the hundreds, I'm sure. I had a problem and knew it. I just loved them so much.

"This cat is named Charlie. I named him after my brother because this cat is wild. He runs around my house like a maniac, leaping off furniture and causing chaos."

"My brother is like that too."

"Does that stress you out?"

"I like to stay in my room. "

"Is it hard for you to come down to the centre?"

Kyle shook his head. "No. I like it here. There are kids like me here."

"Do you ever hang out with them?"

"No, it's just nice to know they're here."

Kyle lifted a book off the floor and opened it. That was the end of our conversation. I called up an eBook on my phone and we read for the next hour. Just as my legs were starting to go numb from sitting on the floor, Noah poked his head in.

"All right if I come in?" he asked.

"Sure. We're just reading."

Noah sat cross-legged in front of me. He smiled at me as our eyes met. I felt like I was being shown the entire universe. I desperately wanted to reach out and kiss him.

"Love," Kyle said. "How long have you been in love?"

Noah's attention snapped away from me and he turned to Kyle. "We're not in love, Kyle. We really like each other, though. Brody is my boyfriend."

Kyle's brow wrinkled and he stared at Noah then went back to reading his book.

I felt my shoulders slump. I knew it was too early to be in love, but Kyle had seen the inklings of it in our expressions. We'd gone from moving slowly to streaking forward.

Noah was mine. I knew it deep down, but Noah had been quick to deny where our feelings were taking us. Too quick. Noah reached out and held my hand.

His touch soothed me—somewhat.

"I think we should go for a walk," Noah said, motioning toward the door.

I nodded my agreement and we both clambered to our feet. We said goodbye to Kyle, but he was too immersed in his book to reply to us.

Noah led me down the hall into an empty classroom .

I thought we'd come there to kiss. Instead of pinning me to the wall and plundering me, he spoke. "You were upset back there. When I told Kyle we aren't in love."

I looked at the floor. "It's all right. We aren't."

Noah lifted my chin until I was captured by his gaze. "I really like you, Brody. That's why I asked you to be my boyfriend."

"I really like you too."

"Then let's leave it at that, all right?"

Noah was right. We were nowhere near being in love. What Kyle had seen was affection and desire. I cupped Noah's face in my hands as I performed an absolute freefall into the depths of his eyes, and then kissed him. Slow and passionate as if he were the oxygen I needed to survive.

It was the most beautiful feeling knowing this man wanted me as much as I wanted him. And not just the body parts. Not the wrapping. The gooey centres that heated when we looked at each other. The respect and admiration. Everything I had never exposed before to anyone.