Chapter 6

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ADAM

ADAM FLINCHED as the very air around him seemed filled with an endless chorus of the D -word.

Fuck . He'd known it would be like this. Beau's parties almost always were, considering how many friends of his were daddies and boys. Somehow, though, this party felt worse. Like the universe was actively turning up the volume on that word while silencing all other sounds, making it stand out even more.

Making Adam hear the memory of his own voice, screaming.

"Daddy! No! Daddy, please! Come back! You can't be dead! You can't be dead! Daddy, please!"

A touch on his arm made him jump. Adam looked up to see Haven standing close beside him, tugging on his elbow and eyeing him with concern.

"You okay?" Haven murmured.

"Yeah, fine," Adam lied. Amongst all of Adam's friends, Haven was the only one to whom he'd told the full story of his dad's death. He hadn't had much choice after he'd woken up screaming from a nightmare, and it had taken his roommate almost an hour to get him calmed down. But then Adam had to explain that he sometimes relived that awful day in his dreams, finding himself back in that hospital waiting room, bored out of his mind, only to get smacked with the devastating news that his dad was never coming home. How he'd screamed the words Daddy and no over and over, nearly losing his voice and forcing the hospital to sedate him. "I'm fine," Adam repeated, though he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince Haven or himself.

Haven gave him a look, clearly not believing him. "You could tell everyone. Ask them to tone it down–"

"No!" Adam gasped, feeling a wave of panic rush through him. There was no way in hell he was going to make all his friends censor themselves for his sake. "I'll be fine," he insisted.

Somewhere behind him, Adam heard someone say, " And then Daddy said –"

Adam muttered a curse under his breath and turned away, putting the crowd behind him, wishing it were as simple as that to make the word disappear.

But the move put the display of wine bottles directly in front of him. Fuck . He could easily go for a drink right about then. One drink wouldn't hurt.

Right?

He was about to call out to Beau and ask—his skin tingling with the need to bury the memories under the blissful haze of alcohol—when he heard a gasp nearby.

"Holy shit," a familiar voice said. "Adam?"

Adam slowly turned, giving a start at the sight of the young man who stood there. It took him a moment to recognize him, having not seen him in eight years.

" Sky ?" Adam gasped. He threw his arms around the boy, then jumped back and held him at arm's length, staring at him with wide eyes. "Holy fuck. You're here! How are you here ?"

Skylar laughed, the sound deeper than Adam remembered it being. The boy's face had slimmed while his shoulders had broadened slightly, the trim yet toned muscles straining the skintight, long-sleeved shirt he wore. That was all clearly the result of the same hormone therapy Adam used. And he wore his hair longer now, the sandy blond strands brushing his shoulders instead of being buzzed close to his head. He was almost the spitting image of Taylor Hanson, circa the This Time Around album. Played the piano like him, too. Adam would never forget stumbling upon Skylar playing in a hotel lobby and being unable to resist singing along despite the grief weighing him down.

"My boyfriend's brother lives here," Skylar said, answering Adam's question. "We're in town to visit for the weekend. I knew you were somewhere down this way but I had no idea you'd be here !"

"Holy shit, this is amazing!" Adam threw himself at Skylar, hugging him again, then jumped back and grinned as he said, "Haven, this is Sky. He's the one who put me up in San Francisco when the band was touring there."

"When Trevor didn't get enough rooms?" Haven asked with a laugh.

"Yeah," Adam replied, rolling his eyes, remembering the drama of that night. They'd rolled into San Francisco late in the evening, all of them hungry and exhausted from driving all day, but when they'd gotten to their hotel, they discovered that the band leader, Trevor, had only booked two double rooms for the five of them. None of the guys in the band were willing to share a bed, and since Adam had only just started his transition from female to male, the prospect of sharing a room was beyond uncomfortable. They tried to add another room to their reservation, but since there was some big convention in town, everything was booked solid.

Just as Adam was working up to an epic meltdown—being tired, hungry, and still grieving—he'd heard the piano. Something in the way Skylar played had punctured his distress just enough to get him to calm down. And after singing along for a few songs, the two of them moved off to the hotel lounge and instantly became friends, sharing a love of music and—when it tumbled out in conversation—the same struggles of being trans men.

When Skylar heard about the hotel predicament, he offered Adam the use of his apartment. Adam wound up staying with him for the whole two weeks the band was in town, and they'd been friends ever since. Granted, they wound up playing phone tag more often than not since Skylar worked nights, and they'd talked more than once about visiting, but life kept getting in the way.

"Sky, this is Haven," Adam went on, finishing the introductions. "He's my roommate."

"Nice to meet you," Skylar and Haven murmured at one another.

"Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually here and–" Adam broke off. "Wait. Hold on." His eyes went wide. "Boyfriend?" he gasped.

Skylar laughed. "Yeah. Um." He paused, searching the room. "I don't know if you know Dakota Pratt–"

"Yeah, of course," Adam said. "He's one of my best friends here."

"Oh! Ha! Holy shit. That's crazy. Okay, so then you probably know his brothers–"

"I've never had a chance to meet them, actually," Adam admitted. "I've had to work every time they've been in town to visit."

Skylar turned, stretching up to search the room again. "Oh! There they are." He pointed at far end of the sitting room. "Over there with Dakota. The one right next to him is the middle brother, Quinn. He's straight as an arrow, by the way, but he won't be offended if you flirt with him. And then there's the youngest, Charlie."

"Holy crap," Haven breathed. "Talk about winning the genetic lottery."

"No shit," Adam gasped. All three Pratt brothers looked like they'd walked off the cover of a men's magazine. "So you're dating Charlie?" Adam paused with a frown, trying to recall what he knew about the boy. "He's the autistic one, right?"

Skylar nodded. "His parents asked me to come along on this trip. Charlie loves Dakota and loves to come see him, but he always kinda throws a fuss about deviating from his routine, so they thought having me come this time would help make it easier for him." Skylar paused, eyeing Haven, but the boy had turned away to say something to Theo. Skylar lowered his voice and added, "Plus, the boss gave me a few extra paid days off after a client got a little too rough the other night. So, win-win for me."

Adam hesitated, then leaned closer and whispered, "Does Charlie know about that? Your job?"

Skylar winced. "He does. I mean, he knows , but since it's all sort of out-of-sight, out-of-mind for him, he's able to ignore it. Unless he wants me to spend the night, but I have to work instead. Then it's a problem." Skylar sighed and sank onto a bar stool at the counter, looking like the weight of the world suddenly dropped onto his shoulders. "But I have to work. I'm so close, Adam. So fucking close, I can almost taste it."

"To being done?" Adam asked, hopping up onto the stool next to him.

Skylar nodded. "Just as soon as I've saved up enough for a hysto, I'm out. No more escorting. No more of that god-awful city. I'm gonna get my surgery and then start over somewhere nobody knows me."

"How much longer?"

Skylar sighed and brushed a hand back through his hair. The move strained his sleeve, revealing a hint of the tattoos that decorated his left arm. Skylar tugged the sleeve back down as he said, "Thirteen months, I think. That's what my last budget calculations predicted. And that's assuming shit doesn't keep getting more and more expensive in the meantime. Fuck."

Adam winced. He wanted to say he knew what Skylar meant, except he really had no clue. Thanks to his inheritance—combined with the payout from the malpractice suit over his dad's death—he probably wouldn't have to worry about money for the rest of his life. He never had to think about balancing the expense of a heating bill versus groceries the way Haven always had. Or the way Skylar did. Then again, Skylar was known to go without things like heat just to pinch every last penny, tucking it away into savings so he could eventually pay for his surgeries.

"Sky," Adam began.

"Don't," Skylar cut him off, biting out the word between clenched teeth.

"What?"

"I know what you're gonna say," Skylar said, reaching out to give Adam's hand a squeeze. "And I appreciate it. I really do. But I don't want your money. I still won't take it, not even as a loan. I won't owe you, period. I have to do this on my own."

Adam winced. He had made that offer before, but that hadn't been what he was going to say this time. At least, not exactly. The thought of his friend going through surgery made him feel sick. He knew Skylar had made it through top surgery without any complications—hell, all of his trans friends had, for that matter—but he still couldn't help fearing that Skylar would go in for that hysterectomy and never come back out again.

What he wanted to do was offer to get Skylar an apartment there in Paso Robles. Help him find a regular job. At least that would get him out of the city and the life he hated so much. But, in all honesty, if Adam hadn't been terrified of the idea of his friend going under a knife, he would have gladly offered to pay for the surgery himself. So Skylar's assumption hadn't been entirely wrong.

Adam squeezed Skylar's hand back. "Okay. But if you ever change your mind, I'd love to help. And then you can move down here!" Adam added, bouncing in his seat. "I'll help you find a job and we can hang out all the time and… Oooh ! Maybe we can see if there's a music lounge or anything like that around here. You play piano and I'll sing and it'll be epic ."

"You're singing somewhere?" Morgan asked, coming up to Adam with his fiancé, Everett, right at his side.

"No, I was saying–" Adam began, then paused and gestured between Morgan and Skylar. "Sorry. Have you guys met?"

Morgan shook his head, then held up a hand and gave a little wave. "Hi. I'm Morgan."

Skylar smiled back shyly. "Skylar," he replied.

"Morgan works with me at Sacred Grounds," Adam explained. "Coffee shop downtown. And that's Everett."

Everett stuck out his hand. "Morgan's fiancé."

Skylar quickly shook hands. "Congratulations."

Everett and Morgan beamed at one another, looking ridiculously in love. Adam couldn't help smiling at the sight. He loved seeing his friends so happy.

But Skylar looked uncomfortable.

"You okay?" Adam whispered.

Skylar grimaced. "I know it sounds stupid, but I wasn't planning on mingling. Charlie and I were hiding upstairs because it was too noisy for him, but then he got hungry, so I brought him down to get food, and then I saw you…"

"I don't remember you being shy."

Skylar shrugged. "I didn't think anyone here would want to meet a dirty whore. Sheesh , I need a drink."

You and me, both , he thought, hearing another use of the D -word somewhere nearby. "You're not a dirty whore," Adam hissed under his breath, trying to focus on his friend and drive away all thoughts of drink.

Skylar waved his hand, clearly wanting to change the subject, so Adam straightened up and looked back at Everett and Morgan.

"How are the wedding plans coming?" he asked.

The couple sighed in tandem. "Actually," Everett said, "things were going great right up until the DJ had to cancel on us. So now we're scrambling to find someone else."

"Although," Morgan began slowly. He fidgeted where he stood, then said, "Okay, I wasn't going to ask because I didn't want to impose on our friendship, but I told Daddy what a great singer you are–"

Adam winced at the dreaded D -word, but Morgan didn't seem to notice. Fuck . Now he needed a drink even more!

"And I know John was raving about the show you did over Christmas," Morgan went on, "so we were wondering if you might be interested."

Adam blinked dumbly, trying to concentrate on Morgan's words and get his mind off the temptation of alcohol. His hands were already shaking with the need of it. "Interested?"

"In singing at the wedding."

Adam gasped when the offer finally penetrated his brain. "Holy shit. Seriously?"

"Not that I don't trust Morgan's judgment," Everett said, "but if you are interested, I would like to hear something before we decide. If your band has a recording, or–"

Shit . Adam's eyes went wide as his thoughts jumped all over the place. Could he get back together with his old band again? Would they be willing to play a small wedding in the middle of nowhere?

Skylar gave him a light, backhanded slap on the arm, then hooked a thumb over his shoulder. Adam turned to see what he was pointing at, then spotted the upright piano inside the sitting room.

"Oh!" Adam jumped up, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Okay. So it's not a whole band, obviously, but I can give you a voice demo, at least. What's your song?"

Everett and Morgan looked at one another and winced.

"We actually don't have one yet," Morgan admitted.

"What?" Adam squawked. "How do you guys not have a song? Okay. Shit. Let me think." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingertips to his temples, mentally reviewing songs that he knew, trying to pick something that might fit their relationship. "Oh!" He leaned over to Skylar and whispered, "Do you know 'Something Just Like This?'"

Skylar laughed. "Oh yeah. For sure."

Adam grinned as the two of them made a beeline for the piano. Skylar sat down, folded back the cover, and tested the keys. He gave Adam a nod, then started to play.

Conversations slowly died down as the first few notes drifted through the room. Adam shifted from foot to foot, unable to hold still. Even with as small an audience as this was, he felt the same thrill he always did. His skin tingled all over, and he couldn't stop smiling.

Then, just before he started to sing, he caught John's gaze from across the room. Oh fuck . John stared at him, his eyes dark and lips parted, his body utterly frozen in anticipation.

Adam sang, giving it everything he had, losing himself in the life of the music. He couldn't even tell if anyone else was listening. Maybe they were are still going about their conversations and ignoring his little corner of the room entirely. It didn't matter. He needed to sing for Everett and Morgan. For John. For himself.

When the song came to an end, Skylar couldn't even get the last few notes out on the piano before the crowd erupted with deafening applause.

A high-pitched wail sounded from across the room. It cut off abruptly, but not before Skylar shot to his feet, stretching up to look over the heads of everyone there.

Adam was about to ask him if he was okay, but before he could get the words out, Morgan grabbed him by the arms and bounced in place, grinning in excitement.

"That was amazing!" Morgan exclaimed.

Beside him, Everett gave a nod, staring at Adam in awe. "Okay, I'm sold," he said, then turned to look at Morgan. "And I think we have a song?"

Morgan gasped. "Really?" His smile grew even more blinding, and he stretched up to throw his arms around Everett's neck as Everett pulled him in for a scorching kiss.

"Yeah?" Everett murmured.

"It's perfect," Morgan got out before Everett kissed him again.

Whistles and catcalls rose up, replacing the applause. Adam laughed with joy, glad to see his friends so happy, his chest swelling with pride that he was able to do that for them.

He turned around to thank Skylar for helping him, only to see Skylar focused on some commotion dying down at the far end of the sitting room. The crowd parted just enough that Adam could see John's assistant, Ward, sitting in an armchair by the window. Adam hadn't even noticed the man's arrival.

But Ward wasn't alone. Charlie was curled up in the man's lap, eyes squeezed shut and covering his ears. Ward held his hands up at his sides, a stunned look on his face. On either side of him, Dakota and Quinn looked like they were apologizing and trying to gently encourage Charlie away.

Ward shook his head and wrapped his arms around Charlie. He moved slowly, watching the boy, like he was gauging his reaction. Ward used one hand to help cover Charlie's ears, and as the boy settled against him, Ward's stunned expression gave way to a look of peaceful revelation.

Adam's jaw dropped. He'd been so sure Ward was straight, but with as content as the man looked, holding Charlie in his lap, he began to wonder.

Of course, there was also the big problem of Charlie curled up against someone other than his boyfriend.

Adam looked at Skylar, noticing the bittersweet expression on his face. "Uh, Sky? How come your boyfriend is sitting in someone else's lap?"

Skylar didn't answer right away. He kept staring across the room, looking somehow both relieved and broken at the same time. "I've never seen him do that before," he finally murmured.

"Do what?"

"Approach a complete stranger, let alone seek comfort from them." Skylar paused. "Maybe it won't be as bad as I thought."

"What won't?"

Skylar finally looked at him. "When I leave the city, I was planning on leaving everything behind. Including Charlie," he added, a guilty look flashing across his face. "Truth is, he needs someone like that," he went on, gesturing across the room. "Someone strong. I'm not strong enough for him, mentally or physically. Not in the long term. But if he can find someone else, someone like that, maybe he'll be okay. And, sheesh , I am so fucking envious right now. That man is all daddy right there. Fuck. I'm half-tempted to go join them."

Adam flinched violently as the word obliterated what relief the music had given him. That's it . One too many, and he was done. His hands shook and his heart thumped wildly in his chest, so desperate for relief, he thought he might scream.

"I need a drink," Skylar bit off, heading straight for the bar.

"You read my mind," Adam muttered to himself as he hurried to follow. He needed that alcohol so badly, he could already taste it.

They grabbed a pair of stools at the bar, and Beau immediately approached, wearing a beaming smile on his face. "That performance was très magnifique !" the man exclaimed. "You are quite the talented pair."

Adam tried to grin, but it felt forced despite the excitement he'd experienced just a few short minutes ago.

"Can I get you boys something to drink?" Beau asked.

"Please," Adam blurted out, inwardly wincing at how desperate he sounded.

"What would you like?" Beau asked, glancing from Adam to Skylar and back.

Adam didn't know a thing about wine, but that was the only thing available. At that point, though, he'd take anything, so he said, "Surprise me."

Beau grinned. "You are finally going to let me work my magic on you?" He braced his hands on the counter and leaned in close, giving Adam a slow, scrutinizing once-over. "Ah!" He whirled around, plucked up a clean glass, and scanned the massive display of bottles lining the wall, representing several local wineries.

"Just make sure it's one of John's," Adam added.

Beau smirked at him over his shoulder. "What do you take me for?" He snatched down a bottle bearing the Vista Robles logo, then poured a glass of something clear. Beau set the glass in front of Adam and watched him expectantly.

Adam drew the glass towards himself. His heart was beating a little too fast and his hands still shook, but when he heard another daddy from somewhere behind him, he couldn't resist picking up the glass and taking a sip.

He paused as the wine ran over his tongue, the flavors bombarding his senses. Whoa . Adam took another sip, his eyes going wide. "Holy shit," he gasped in surprise. He'd wanted nothing more than the old, familiar burn of alcohol, but he'd been bracing himself for something that tasted awful. "That's actually really good!"

Beau grinned again as he turned to Skylar. "And you…"

Skylar looked from Beau to Adam and back. "What's going on right now?"

"Beau's doing his thing," Adam explained before taking another sip. Mmmm . The wine went down way better than he'd imagined it might. He took another sip, then let out a contented sigh. "He pairs you with the perfect wine."

"Okay…" Skylar said slowly, his eyebrows raised in skepticism.

"Ah, yes, I have just the thing," Beau announced, quickly pouring a glass and pushing it across to Skylar. "You are grenache. A medium red. Not too light and not too bold, but just right."

"If you say so," Skylar mumbled so that only Adam could hear. But he picked up the glass all the same and took a sip. His eyes went wide. "Holy bajeezus." He sat there for a moment, staring at the glass, before he tried another taste. "Okay, I'm convinced. That's amazing."

Beau flashed him a grin before moving off down the counter to help someone else.

Adam took another sip of his own wine and let out a sigh. It wasn't his dad's scotch, but it was certainly doing the trick. He felt the alcohol flowing through his veins, warming his body all over, little hazy tendrils slowly making their way straight to his head, drowning out the memories and grief.

"Man, this takes me back," Skylar said. "You know, I actually still have that last bottle of scotch you bought us."

"Seriously?"

Skylar took another sip of his wine, then nodded. "I never buy myself alcohol anymore. Can't afford it. Pretty much the only time I drink is when I'm on a date with a client. And, hell. Those guys always think they know everything there is to know about wine, but let me tell you: everything they picked was gross."

Adam laughed. "No wonder," he said, gesturing with his chin towards Beau.

Skylar nodded. "But I also have to watch how much I drink on a date so that things don't get out of hand. But, shit. Sometimes you just need that escape, you know? So I've been clinging to that scotch bottle, drinking a tiny bit here and there, but only on days when things are especially bad and I think I'll never make it." He shook his head like he was casting the thought aside. "Can you believe the shit we got up to with fake IDs back then?"

Adam barked a laugh. "Oh my god." He'd almost forgotten about that. Both he and Skylar had been just this side of nineteen when they met, so the only way they could get their hands on alcohol was with the use of fake IDs, ones that Trevor had somehow managed to acquire for the band. Adam still didn't know how Trevor had pulled that off, but at the time, he hadn't cared. Being buzzed was the only way he'd been able to cope.

He tipped back his glass, only to find it empty. But Beau reappeared almost instantly with the bottle in hand, so Adam held out his glass for a refill.

Skylar got a refill as well, then held up his glass between them. "To old times."

Adam smiled. "To old times." He clinked their glasses together and took a sip, sighing with relief when the effects began to grow. Adam had fully intended to only have the one glass, but as the haze took over his brain, he realized he'd forgotten how good this felt.

One more drink certainly wouldn't hurt.