Chapter 12

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ADAM

ADAM EYED the whiskey bottle in front of him.

Throw it out. Throw it out. Throw it out . He started to reach for it, then slammed both hands back down on the edge of the kitchen counter, unable to make himself open the bottle, knowing he'd take a healthy swig—or three—before the alcohol made its way down the drain.

He'd had to pass by that damned liquor store every night on his way home from work. Each night, he'd managed to resist stopping. Barely.

Until tonight. Adam found himself at the checkout counter before consciously registering that he'd even gone into the store. Then he was showing his ID and handing over money before his long-standing resolve could make him walk away.

Now the bottle sat, silent and still on his kitchen counter. Adam could almost feel it staring back at him.

Tempting him.

He knew he should call John, but he didn't want to disturb the man at work. Because he knew John would drop everything and race right over. Just his luck, someone would cause an accident and John would be dead and it would be all his fault.

"Fuck!" Adam screamed, bringing both fists down on the counter. He tried again to pick up the bottle and dump it out, but his hands wouldn't cooperate. His entire body clamored for that drink. For that blissful escape from reality.

And it was only going to get worse. Every morning, he looked at the calendar as he got ready for work, needing to see what hours he was scheduled for that day. All thanks to Haven, of course, who wrote down his schedule for him every week, since Adam would always forget to do it himself. But with each passing day, he realized how much closer the anniversary was coming. Like a slow, inexorable crawl toward doom. Adam felt powerless either to stop it or to simply skip past it.

Making him crave that drink even more.

It didn't help that he hadn't been able to talk with Trevor yet about the wedding. As soon as he'd gotten a break on Monday—after Morgan had assured him that he still wanted him to sing—Adam had immediately sent Trevor a text, saying they needed to talk about a potential gig.

They'd been playing phone tag ever since. The band were somewhere on the east coast, busy with a whole string of shows. Every time Trevor had a free moment and was able to text back, Adam was at work and couldn't reply right away.

The drawn-out, halting conversation was making him crazy. He wanted a definitive answer. Maybe, if he knew for sure that they'd be performing at Everett and Morgan's wedding, he could weather the next few weeks.

Adam sucked in a breath and reached for the bottle.

His phone beeped right before his fingertips could touch the glass. Adam gasped in a breath and worked his phone out of his pocket, heart racing in anticipation. He blinked at the screen, then quickly opened the message. It wasn't from Trevor, but it was the next best distraction.

Skylar : Tag. You're it .

Adam laughed and immediately punched the button to call Skylar back. The two of them had been playing phone tag all week as well. After John had dragged Adam out of the party on Sunday, Skylar had texted him, asking if he was okay, but the conversation had been just as delayed as the one with Trevor. Skylar had gone back home and returned to work, putting their schedules at complete odds with one another.

" Whoa ," Skylar answered. " I was totally not expecting you to respond so quickly ."

Adam laughed, then scowled at the bottle and turned his back on it. "I had an early shift today, so I'm home from work already."

Skylar chuckled. " And here I am, getting ready to head out for a job. "

Adam eyed the clock. "This early?"

" Yeah. Repeat client. He uses me as distracting arm candy for his swanky cocktail parties, so I'm having to go full femme tonight. Shaving my legs and everything. I always forget how tedious this shit is. "

Adam winced as he stepped away from the kitchen. "Shit. Sky–"

" It's okay ," Skylar said, though he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than anything else. " He's paying a grand for the night, so I'm sucking it up and dealing with it. A couple hours in a dress, heels, and makeup, pretending to be a girl, and then an hour sucking him off and letting him call me his 'good little slut boy,' and I'm a thousand dollars closer to getting myself out of here. Well, five hundred, anyway, after the boss takes his cut ."

Adam sank heavily onto the couch. Holy fucking shit . He stared blankly across the room, not even seeing it because he was too busy picturing what Skylar had to go through. "Sky–"

" I'm okay, Adam. Really ," Skylar insisted. " Any kind of normal job would mean at least four or five more years before I could afford to get my surgery and get out of this city. Not that I'm remotely qualified for a normal job. It's not like I have experience with anything but this. Besides, I don't wanna wait that long. I literally feel like my skin is crawling, knowing I've got all these parts inside me that shouldn't be there. I want them gone . And this job will get me there faster than anything. Trust me, I've put up with way worse than this guy just for the sake of making the kind of money I do ."

Adam curled an arm around himself, feeling nauseated. He slowly shook his head even though Skylar couldn't see it. For one thing, he knew exactly how Skylar felt. The reproductive organs didn't bother him so much—though goodness knew he'd love to go without condoms with John—but having the breasts on his torso made him feel like he lived under a constant, glaring spotlight. Adam shivered, idly scratching himself all over.

But there was also no way Adam could do what Skylar did. He would have killed himself a long time ago rather than endure anything close to that kind of humiliation.

It was bad enough knowing what was under his t-shirt without anyone else having to see it. Let alone touch him there.

Adam shuddered at the thought.

" So are you okay? " Skylar asked, clearly changing the subject. " From that party, I mean. " Skylar laughed. " I got an absolute earful from Charlie about drinking. Well, not earful, since he doesn't talk, but he was signing very emphatically at me until he finally got overwhelmed and barely even looked at me the rest of the day ."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

" It's okay. He's kind of a health nut. And I have to admit, I feel a lot better when I eat the way he does. But sometimes you just want something that's really bad for you, right? Like a big bowl of ice cream. Or a stiff fucking drink. "

"Yeah, no shit," Adam muttered, mostly to himself, as he pictured the bottle still resting on the counter in the kitchen.

" So who was that guy who hauled you out of there? "

"You mean John?"

Skylar gasped. "Hold up. That was John? Your John? Holy shit! Dude. Tell me everything! And I mean everything. I want to know it all, from how you met until now. Wait. Hang on. I'm putting you on speaker so I can listen while I do my makeup. "

Adam laughed. Eight years ago, when he'd been staying with Skylar for those two weeks the band had been in San Francisco, Adam had been too raw to even mention John. But ever since he and John had gotten together over Christmas, Adam had mentioned John in passing through the text messages he and Skylar had swapped while they'd been playing phone tag, but they'd never had time to really sit and talk at length about him.

So Adam flopped back on the couch and told Skylar the whole story.

He talked about growing up next door to John for his entire life, but never thinking much of him since John was ten years older. Until John came home from college, of course. That was when Adam hit puberty and began to realize that the quiet, serious, carefully controlled man next door made him feel all tingly inside.

Skylar cackled at that.

Adam laughed along with him, then continued on. He told Skylar about John losing both of his parents within a week of one another, and how John stayed in his childhood home so he could clear it out, fix it up, and get it ready to sell, though he'd dragged his feet on that last part. Throughout that whole time, Adam and John discovered a shared love of music and wound up spending most weekends sitting in John's living room, John playing his guitar while Adam sang.

"It was just… perfect ," Adam said. "You know? I mean, except for the whole thing with me still being a girl and John never seeing me as anything other than a kid who could sing really well."

" Something must have changed, though, right? "

"Yeah. I came out to him." Adam breathed a laugh. "Shit. I didn't really see it at the time, but he said my coming out changed everything for him. I was so nervous to tell him," he went on, his heart slamming against his ribs in response to the memory, "but then he took me to his bathroom and gave me my first haircut."

" Okay, that's adorable ."

Adam grinned, squeezing his legs together. He started to rest his free hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat, then quickly snatched his hand away, not wanting to feel the sports bra there, let alone what lay beneath it. Adam shoved the hand under his head instead and stared up at the ceiling. "It was amazing. Especially because Dad said I'd have to wait until I was eighteen to start medically transitioning, but having my hair gone?"

" Dude. Preaching to the choir here ," Skylar said with a laugh. " About a week after my folks kicked me out, I blew a barber in exchange for a haircut, and pretty much told him to buzz it all off. It was an awful look for me—hell, you saw it—but it meant I could just about pass for a boy. So freeing. " Skylar let out a sigh. " Sorry. You were saying ."

Adam winced at the images Skylar had put in his head. He hated that his friend had suffered like that but he felt powerless to do anything about it. Adam twisted around, craning his neck to look towards the kitchen, but he couldn't see it past the back of the couch.

Still, he felt that damned whiskey bottle calling his name.

" Adam? "

"Sorry!" Adam gasped. He slammed himself back down on the couch and stared resolutely up at the ceiling. "What was I talking about?"

" John giving you a haircut. Damn, that's so sweet ."

"Right?" Adam replied. "He started calling me Adam almost right away, too," he went on, feeling a grin take over his face. "And it felt so fucking good, you know? Except it also made everything so much harder because I kept wanting him more and more but he never said or did anything that made me think he might want me, too." Adam felt his cheeks warm as he continued. "So I finally just snuck into his bed."

Skylar gasped, and something clattered in the background. " Oh shit. " Adam listened as Skylar grunted and moved stuff around, then came back, demanding, " You did what? "

Adam laughed. "Okay, so, John would occasionally go out at night and come back with a random hookup. Except he always forgot to close the curtains on his bedroom window. It didn't face the street, but it did face our house, and if I wedged myself up against my bathroom window just right, I could see his bed."

" Kinky. Go on. Please tell me you saw him in action ."

"Oh, I did," Adam said. He had to squeeze his legs together again, remembering that first sight of John's naked backside as the man knelt on his bed, brutally fucking a man on all fours in front of him. The way the two were positioned, Adam hadn't been able to see much of the other guy, but he'd seen plenty of John, the man's naked ass flexing as he thrust over and over. "And I was so fucking jealous…"

" But also completely turned on? " Skylar guessed.

"Oh yeah. Every time I saw a strange car in his driveway, I'd run up to my bathroom to see if anything was happening." Adam paused. "But then, one night, I got an idea for a song, and I ran over to John's house without checking the driveway first."

" Uh oh ," Skylar said with a laugh.

"Yeah. We had this gate between our backyards, and he never locked the back door, so I let myself in. Then I heard the moaning and couldn't resist sneaking upstairs to take a look." Adam pressed a hand to his groin. "I watched them finish, and John told the guy he could either let himself out or stay for another round, then went to take a shower." Adam paused. "The guy had his head under a pillow, and the sheets came just up to his ass. And when he got up and left, I didn't even think. I waited until he was gone and then ripped off my clothes and threw myself on the bed, trying to recreate his position."

" Oh! And with the pillow over your head, John might not know– "

"Exactly. Except he did. He barely touched me. Like he was right on the edge of grabbing my ass, and— holy fuck —I almost came right then and there. But that was when he realized something was different and he pulled the pillow away. Then he freaked out."

" Shit ," Skylar swore. " How bad was it? "

"Bad. Like nuclear bad. It was three days before my eighteenth birthday, and he knew that. I honestly didn't even think about it. Nothing registered beyond trying to get him to touch me. But that's what stopped him. Of course, at the time, I thought he was freaking out because I was trans and he didn't want me, but it turned out it was just the age thing."

" So what happened…Oh shit. Wait. " Skylar paused. " Didn't your dad… "

Adam winced. "Yeah," he whispered, swallowing hard at the memory. But his mouth ran on despite the emotion clogging his throat. He told Skylar all about what happened two days later, how his dad went in for a routine shoulder surgery and never came back out. How he got home from the hospital late that night, after having to recover from being sedated because he'd been such a wreck, and had gone to knock on John's door. Despite the drama from two nights earlier, all Adam had been able to think about was having John there to tell him what to do. Tell him how to move forward. How to merely survive.

Except the Cunningham house was dark and silent, and Adam learned that John had moved away in a hurry while Adam had been at the hospital.

"And I thought I'd never see him again," Adam went on. "Eight years, thinking he was out of my life for good. But then we just chanced to run into one another over Christmas."

Adam told Skylar all about the trip to Camp Bay so he could sing with his old band. How he'd run into John there at the chalet, since John was in town to visit his brother for the holidays. He talked about how they'd had to share a room because the place was fully booked. How he and John fell into a hot-and-heavy affair, all those years worth of pent-up longing finally bursting out of them.

And then discovering how they both just happened to live in the same small town.

Adam couldn't help laughing at the memory. He still had no idea how the two of them had both left Idaho at different times, yet both wound up in Paso Robles, but he didn't care. It had meant they had a chance to finally be together.

" That's bananas ," Skylar exclaimed.

"Right? Like what are the odds?"

Skylar chuckled, then gasped. " Shit. I've gotta run. I'm sorry we didn't get to hang much this weekend. I should have realized I'd be down your way and texted you or something, but… "

"It's okay," Adam assured him. "It was such a great surprise to see you! But now we really need to make a plan to get together."

" Definitely. " Skylar blew out a breath, mumbling to himself. " Makeup. Heels. Purse. Yeah, I think I've got everything ." He let out another heavy exhale, then said, " Hey, let me know how things go with plans to sing at the wedding, yeah? That is still on, I hope? "

"Yeah, it's still on," Adam said, then heard a beep. He pulled his phone away from his ear and saw, as though on cue, a new text from Trevor. "Oh! That's Trev."

" I'll let you go. Have a great night. "

"You, too," Adam said, then winced, thinking of what Skylar was about to go do.

They ended the call, and Adam quickly switched over to the messaging app to read Trevor's text.

Trevor : Sorry. Finally caught a moment. Shit's been nuts!

Before Adam could reply, another message came through.

Trevor : Anyway, about the wedding, I'm not sure we can do it.

Adam winced and quickly typed out a reply.

Me : I know it's a small gig. But whatever they offer you, just take it. I can pay the difference of whatever price you want.

Trevor : No, it's not the money! Hell, man, we owe you after you saved our asses over Christmas. It's just a scheduling thing. We've got a gig already set for the day before, but it's in Florida .

Adam groaned. "Shit." There was no way the band could get all the way across the country and get set up and ready in time for the wedding.

Trevor : I can let you know if something changes, but this one could be our big break.

Another message came through, with Trevor naming the band for whom they were opening.

Adam blinked. Holy shit! No wonder Trevor didn't want to do a measly wedding. Not when they'd be opening for such a famous group. Adam almost texted back, offering to match whatever the band was getting paid for that gig. But there was no way he could rob the band of this chance. He'd never forgive himself.

Me : Knock 'em dead!

Trevor : :D You know it!

Adam set his phone aside with a sigh. So much for that . He couldn't sing at the wedding all by himself. He'd need a band. But there would be no way to find one in time. Not one that had the right sound and energy and would be willing to let him take their singer's place for a night.

And without the prospect of a show, he wouldn't have anything to distract him from the date looming just over the horizon.

Adam went straight to the kitchen and poured himself a drink, swallowing it down before he could talk himself out of it again.

Then he hid the bottle where Haven wouldn't find it.