xxi.

THEN IT BECAME very clinical, and Hollis got nervous about it. Well, he got more nervous. He'd been nervous about all of it since he'd come up with the idea of being mortal. When it had turned into this, basically that he would be mortal and have a wife and baby on the other side of it, it had been… well, he was very nervous.

But into it.

Really into it.

He hadn't known he even wanted something like that, but he was excited. It was going to be amazing.

Was he afraid of dying?

Terrified.

But it would be worth it. It was going to be worth it, to have a real life. He'd survived for too long. Now, he wanted to live .

The clinical thing was all about tracking Fifer's menstrual cycle, taking her basal body temperature, and noting various other things to determine she was ovulating, which involved comparing her vaginal secretions to egg whites.

Well, secretions was not an ideal word.

The other word she kept using, however, was mucus .

Secretions was better than that, hands down.

Anyway, it was the kind of thing that people usually would do if they were having trouble conceiving. Typically, the advice for a healthy couple would just be to go for it and try, and it might take a few cycles, but it'll be fine.

Except, none of them wanted to do this again.

So, if they could get her pregnant the first shot, they wanted that to happen. To be sure, they'd be having sex a total of four times, all in the window of Fifer's most fertile time, and Hollis was nervous about that, too.

But, uh, kind of looking forward to it, because it sounded… well, he didn't think he'd mind it. He would feel it, even though it would be Ross's body, and he'd never really been much interested in male sexual responses—so he'd only ever felt female orgasms. He sort of wondered if it would be the same? He suspected it was going to be mostly the same.

Anyway, regardless, it would be pleasurable. His orgasm was required in order for there to be baby-making. And he'd be close to Fifer. He'd be inside Fifer's pussy.

So, he didn't think he'd mind it.

Of course, Fifer was… well, whether Fifer liked it or just endured it, he couldn't be sure. He was going to be as careful and gentle as he could, obviously. She'd call all the shots.

He didn't want to like it at her expense.

He really didn't want that.

That was making him feel nervous, too.

Before too long, though, he was getting the text from Fifer. He'd moved back into his place in Shepherdstown at this point, though he hadn't seen Kevin yet, and he wasn't sure if the half-puca would be particularly pleased to see him. He hadn't seen much of anyone, really. He'd been busy, what with the baby-making preparations.

They'd all decided his place was the most comfortable for the actual act to take place.

She texted them both that morning that her cervical… that… the egg white thing. It was the right time of the month from their having tracked her ovulation through basal body temperature and counting from her bleeding and anyway .

Today was the day.

Ross had to work, but they made plans to meet up as soon as he was done.

Fifer came over earlier and spent the afternoon remaking his bed. He didn't have the heart to tell her he'd just put brand new sheets on it. Let her have something to do. She tucked the sheets and fluffed the pillows and asked him how he was feeling and he said fine.

"How are you feeling?" he asked her.

"Fine," she said.

He wanted to tell her it was okay to be nervous, but he didn't want to acknowledge she was nervous and he didn't want to make her nervous if she wasn't nervous.

She'd been using dildos in masturbation—both with him and solo—so that she wouldn't be uncomfortable or need stretching. Is that a thing, though? she'd asked. Or is it just urban legend? (This had led to her asking several female friends, all of whom had informed her of soreness after the first time having sex. Which had led to more worry, because she needed to do it four days in a row leading up to ovulation, and what if it was painful, and that was when the lube hypothesis had been introduced—that soreness might be a product of not enough lubrication. Anyway, there was a lot of lube.)

He'd arranged all the tubes of lube on the bedside table that morning.

Now, Fifer picked all the tubes up, read them over, and then set them back down.

And, after what felt like a thousand eternities, Ross finally showed up.

He was freshly showered and smelled like soap.

"Should I take a shower?" said Fifer. "I took one earlier, but maybe I should take another one."

"You're fine," said Ross. "I just know you get kinda grossed out, like you don't like kissing and stuff."

"Are we doing kissing?" She turned to Hollis.

"We're doing whatever you want," said Hollis. He turned to Ross. "And whatever you're comfortable with."

"Yeah, kissing's fine," said Ross. His tail was twitching back and forth.

Then it got quiet, and the silence stretched out over all three of them. It lasted too long.

Finally, Fifer squeaked, "Let's get this over with." She ran up the stairs.

By the time Hollis and Ross got up there, she was sitting on the bed, in her bra, struggling out of her jeans.

"Okay, then," said Ross. "Okay." He looked at Hollis. "I don't know if I want to see her… it's like seeing my sister naked." He disappeared into the hallway.

Hollis scratched the top of his skull. He was nervous. "So, we just…"

She unsnapped her bra.

He let out a little noise. He'd never seen her bare breasts before.

She seemed to realize that as she sat up straight. "Oh."

He bowed his head. "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"No, it's all right," she said. "I like you liking, um, my body." She was shy, blushing, but smiling widely at him.

"I do," he said in a hoarse voice. "Like it."

"Go put Ross on," she said, swallowing. "Then, you know, come and take me."

He let out a little laugh and went into the hallway.

Ross's tail was going nuts. He fluttered his wings. "How's this work again?"

"I told you, I'll just…" He lifted his hand. "It'll be a transfer, basically. My body will just… here." He nodded at the floor. "And then when I'm ready to get back into it…"

"Right." Ross nodded, swinging his tail. "And I'm just going to be gone."

"You'll dream. It'll be like being asleep."

Ross rolled his head on his shoulders. "Okay, okay. Let's get this over with."

Hollis touched him.

Ross stiffened, his spirit straining, fighting him.

Hollis was too strong for any of the resistance to matter. He plowed over that, taking control, settling inside the sphinx's body. He stretched out his hands, feeling his way into the new skin, thinking that he could have just done this—possessed someone and lived out their lives. It would have been morally wrong to take someone over like that, but if he'd wanted it, wanted to know what it felt like…

Well, best not to think of these things.

He pushed open the door.

"Hollis?" Fifer's voice was panicked.

"Yeah," he said.

"I should have watched. I should have watched you go into him."

"He didn't want to see you naked," said Hollis. She was naked . Totally naked. Oh. So, that was what an actual erection felt like. He let out a laugh, bending down his head to look at the way he was pressing against Ross's clothes. "Well, then," he said. "That's… well."

"Are you just really enamored with your cock?" said Fifer. "Men."

"It's Ross's cock. You want to see it?"

"Not really."

He snorted, but he stripped off all of Ross's clothes really quickly and climbed onto the bed with her. Ross's sphinx erection was thick and long and his penis came to a tiny curved point at the end, like a cat's. The hook was smooth and fleshy, though. He didn't think it was going to cause her any discomfort. Funny we didn't talk about that, he thought. Hollis caged her in, arms on either side of her, legs on either side of her.

He wanted this, suddenly.

It was strange, feeling this sort of mortal wanting from the inside. It was strange but nice. And it was more difficult than he'd thought it was going to be to not give in to it.

He needed to stay in control for Fifer. He took a deep breath. "Going too fast," he said.

"You've literally done nothing," said Fifer, looking up at him.

"We should… there should be foreplay," he said. "I mean if you can get yourself wet, you should."

"You mean kissing?"

"I mean whatever you want," he said. "You can just touch yourself. I think watching you touch yourself would be really great."

She laughed. "You're… different."

"Sorry," he whispered. "I want you."

She sucked in a breath, grinning at him. "I like that. I like being wanted."

"Yeah?" He touched her face, rubbed his thumb over her cheekbone.

"Kiss me," she breathed.

So, he did, and it was amazing, their tongues sliding against each other, every touch a tingle of goodness.

He wished he could feel what she was feeling, but he couldn't. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to do that after he became mortal. It wasn't clear whether he'd keep his magic or not.

"Mmm," she sighed. "That's… gross but nice."

He laughed.

"I appreciate that Ross tastes like mint toothpaste." Her hand was on his chest, running up and down it. "I… does that feel good?"

"Fuck yes," he said. But, then, he hadn't had a body and skin and organs before, so everything felt kind of amazing. "But you don't have to touch me. We're doing foreplay for you."

"Okay." She pulled her hand back. "D-do you want to touch me?"

"I mean… can I?"

"So, you do?"

He cleared his throat. "I don't want to make you feel pressured or anything, but I want to lick you."

She giggled. "I mean… maybe fingers first."

"I won't lick you," he said. "Did Ross say if I could, though?"

"You guys were supposed to talk about that amongst yourselves!"

"Well, it was awkward," he said.

"He told me you could put his cock in my ass, so—"

"Is that… I mean, you're not into that."

"We're getting me pregnant, Hollis, for fuck's sake."

"Right." He touched her. He brushed his fingers over one of her nipples, making it stiffen.

She sucked in breath.

He'd touched her here before. He knew how to touch her here.

She shut her eyes and let out a few soft moans.

He settled on his knees, between her thighs, and used both hands on both of her nipples, making sure to get each of them very, very stiff.

She wriggled into the bed, sighing, eyes shut, whispering his name now and again.

He lowered his face to her skin, close enough she could feel his breath there. "So, if you don't like the licking, just tell me and it stops."

She bit down on her lower lip in anticipation.

And then, for the first time, he tasted her skin. Oh. He sucked the little nub of her nipple into his mouth.

She cried out.

He rubbed the rough part of his tongue over the tip.

"Fuck, Hollis, fuck."

He pulled off. "Is it bad?"

"No," she said in a tiny voice. "No."

"I… after this, I get to look at them sometimes? Just look?"

"You could have asked if you wanted. I didn't mean to… to hide from you."

He looked up.

She had lifted her head and was peering down at him.

"I didn't want to push," he said.

"The other one feels neglected," she told him, settling down. "And I'm closing my eyes again, because I keep forgetting you're Ross."

He laughed.

"I mean, I don't forget, it's just that I'm picturing you, not him, and then there he is—" She cut off with a little cry as he was suckling her other nipple.

He sucked them both. He went back and forth, toying with them with his fingers, liking the taste of her, the smell of her arousal, the way her skin felt against his skin.

When he put his hand between her thighs, he was so caught up in it he realized too late that he hadn't asked permission.

But she only mewled, at his touch and whispered, "Please, oh, please."

So, he rubbed her clit.

And she said, "Lighter than that, lighter ," so he went lighter, and then she went entirely still and let out a series of soft, sweet, half-broken noises before she burst against his fingers.

Fuck, I just made her come, he thought. His cock—Ross's cock—twitched.

"Now, I think," she whispered. "Put it in me now."

"Should we… lube…?"

"I mean, am I wet?"

His fingers trailed down to her opening. "You are, I mean, you are , but…"

"Right." She opened her eyes and selected a tube and handed it to him. "We have to do this tomorrow, and I don't want it to hurt."

"If it hurts, you tell me, we stop, and then we fix it," he said.

She nodded, shutting her eyes again.

He lubed up Ross's cock— my cock —and lubed the opening of her pussy and then he positioned the head of him right against her, and he hesitated.

"Are you waiting for something?" Her voice was breathy. Her eyes were still closed.

He paused. "No," he decided and pushed into her.

She let out a little sigh.

He made a noise that didn't even sound like a human noise. Shit, it felt like that? He did not even get how this entire act was achievable. He pushed all the way in and whispered in her ear, "This is going to take two seconds. You feel like silky bliss."

She let out a little laugh. "Oh?"

"Yes," he groaned.

It took, well, ten seconds.

She was giggling as he was resting his head on her shoulder. "That's it? Seriously? You're done?"

"Look, we failed to maybe consider it was, uh, it was also my first time, and… and… fuck. "

She giggled harder.

He could feel her giggles inside her cunt, and that rippled through him. He grunted again. Briars, his cock was sensitive.

Had the orgasm itself felt different than a female orgasm? No, not really, but yes.

The difference was only the sheer inevitability of it, he supposed. A female orgasm needed to be coaxed out, given a safe space, and allowed to happen. It wasn't a sure proposition, and this, this orgasm, it was just going to happen .

But the mechanism of it, the sensation of it, the flood of hot chemical pleasure, even the twitching in his member, all of that felt the same.

He didn't understand how any man lasted any amount of time at sex. How could that be possible?

He also felt very, very tired. He was draped over her now, pressed into her everywhere, nuzzling himself into her neck, rubbing his bare nose over her bare flesh—the sensation of their touching was overwhelmingly good.

But he remembered she might not be feeling that. "You want me to get off of you now?"

"I…" She considered. "I can't decide."

He scrambled off.

She let out a noise of displeasure.

"You said—"

"I was thinking about it." She opened her eyes in slits to glare at him.

"Well, if even part of you wasn't into it, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I feel more uncomfortable now that you're gone." She shrugged. "I feel… empty." She reached for him. "It's nice to be close."

He lay back down and pulled her into his arms, and she folded herself into him, like a puzzle piece. He yawned.

She giggled. "Oh, and you're going to fall asleep?"

"No," he said, wondering what happened if he fell asleep in Ross's body while Ross was asleep in there. Would Ross wake up? No, he couldn't let that happen, if so. Because he'd promised that Ross would be awakened away from this. Ross didn't want to wake up with Fifer in his arms. Hollis yawned again, holding her against him, relishing the feeling of it. Then he stirred. "I better give Ross back his body. If you want, I can come back and we can lie down together again."

"Well, I should say goodbye to Ross. So, I should get dressed and get up—" She furrowed her brow. "But should I lie here and tilt my pelvis back to get the sperm into me?"

He let out a little laugh. "This whole thing is incredibly romantic."

"I don't know." She lifted a shoulder, giving him a tiny smile. "It was nicer than I thought it was going to be."

He was stunned by that. "But it was… that had to be the worst sexual performance in the history of the universe."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "No way."

FIFER CALLED OUT goodbyes to Ross from the hallway, deciding she couldn't decide if she wanted to be superstitious about getting up or not. She didn't think that walking around could really prevent her getting pregnant.

On the other hand, gravity was a force and it worked on all matter, including semen. So, maybe trying to make it work for her was only intelligent.

Ross and Hollis spoke in awkward voices in the hallway.

"Uh, thank you," said Hollis.

"Yeah, uh, yeah," said Ross. "I'm going to go shower again."

She called out, "Are you okay, Ross?"

"Surprisingly fine and in a really great mood," he called back. "Probably from the orgasm. Leftover chemicals in the brain, I guess."

"Are you sure?" she called.

"Fifer, it's fine. Just stay there and concentrate on making a baby," said Ross.

She snorted.

"I'll walk you out," said Hollis. "I mean, you're welcome to stay—"

"Nope, definitely want to go," said Ross.

Their voices faded off as they walked down the hallway.

Fifer cringed. Maybe this was a really fucked up thing to do to Ross. She thought about that for a minute, and then she was overwhelmed with thinking about the sex.

Wow, she liked it.

Maybe I'm demisexual after all, she thought, snuggling into the blankets, keeping her pelvis tilted.

It hadn't been anything like masturbating, or anything like her sexual fantasies. It was utterly and totally different, but nice. She liked the way it felt when he wanted her. His desire for her, for her physical body, it had lit her all up inside. And then the closeness, the sweet heft of him against her, the feeling of being penetrated by warm, insistent flesh, being all filled up with it, it…

Well.

She liked it.

She kind of wished she didn't smell like Ross right now, though. She wrinkled up her nose. Yeah, if she weren't afraid of washing away all the sperm, she'd totally take a shower. Would it be different if she smelled like Hollis, if Hollis had a smell, that was? Would she like being marked all over with his scent?

Maybe.

Or maybe that would just be gross.

When Hollis came back to bed, she put her hands inside his hoodie and told him to drop his illusion.

He let out a gasp as she traced her fingers all over his rib bones and sternum, and he tangled his bones in with her limbs and gasped against her temple.

Then they did fall asleep.

They didn't talk about it until they woke up. His illusion was back and she was lying on his chest.

He wanted to know more about why she'd liked it.

"Well," she said, "a cock feels much nicer than a dildo."

"Does it?" This surprised him.

"Yes." Now, she was wondering about it, too, because it didn't really make sense. "It's because it's skin, maybe. Or because it's warm. It's not as hard, so it doesn't feel like a foreign object intruding into me. It feels like… mmm, a joining."

He didn't say anything.

She lifted her head to look at him. "Not for you, huh?"

"Fifer, I didn't have thoughts in my head," he rasped. "It was just good , completely wiping everything out, boom."

"Well, yeah, it might have been nicer if it had lasted a little longer than that."

He laughed.

She laughed. "But don't feel bad."

"I mean, I do." He was still laughing.

"I feel like it made it… it made sex… this other thing ."

"Uh, okay? What thing?"

She didn't know how to explain it. The surrender of it, how sweet it was, the connection, the sheer humming of energy in it all… "It made it about love."

"It did?"

"So, that's, like, that's what's been missing," she said softly.

"Us, all the things we've done together… we said we loved each other, that didn't make it about love?"

Now, she realized she'd hurt his feelings. "No, I obviously already loved you, and I felt love between us before. I didn't mean it like that."

"How did you mean it?" He was worried.

She smoothed a soothing hand over his chest. "It just made it about…" How did she explain this? "Okay, you know how there's sort of the idea of love and there's the real, physical feeling of it?"

"No?" He was uncertain.

Maybe if she used an analogy. "You know how it's pretty to look at a picture of the forest, and you see that it's beautiful, and you might even think about how wonderful nature is, and appreciate the trees, but when you're standing in the middle of a beautiful forest, just basking in it, you feel the forest in this other way?"

"Definitely not," he said.

"Oh," she said, drawing back, looking down at him. "No?" Maybe that wasn't a thing that everyone felt, then. She'd just sort of thought that feeling, that soothing feeling of being surrounded by nature, feeling at one with it, was universal.

"Maybe in Faerie," he said, tilting his head back, studying the ceiling. "Maybe something like that then. I thought… in the mortal world…"

"It's because you don't have a body," she realized. "You can't feel part of the mortal world when you're not part of it. You're just sheer idea, Hollis. You're ideas, all held together by magic, and you're not flesh. This part, the flesh part, it's the messy part, but it's part of being mortal. You have to feel your flesh to really feel all of it."

It was overwhelming for her, she realized. She knew that she was a sensitive person, always had been. Having that sort of heightened sensory capacity, it was often associated with asexuality, as were all kinds of neurodivergent identities.

There was some part of her that didn't automatically integrate it. The flesh part and the idea part. She had them separate.

And even during sex, they'd been separate. She'd felt an intense sense of spiritual joining, but she didn't think she could ever reconcile that feeling with, well, the sex feeling. They seemed at odds to her.

She certainly wasn't turned on by feeling connected to the natural world. It was a nice feeling, but it was an entirely unsexy one. She thought it might be nice to feel the two mingled, but… she wasn't sure if her body was ever going to do that.

She was a little sad at that thought.

Hollis was shaking his head. "Maybe," he said. "Maybe, I don't know. I'll try to last longer today."

She just laughed, shoving him. Someday, maybe she could make him understand. She needed to explore things more to see if she really understood it herself.