Eighteen

eighteen

Kris

Zhen tried so hard to comfort me and jostle me out of my mood, so I let him win while we were in the shower. But the truth of the matter was, I wasn’t okay. I was still very, very rattled by the events of last night. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how Zhen was able to just bounce back from it. He clearly had. It was me he was worried about.

I tried to hide it while drying off, putting on pajamas, and getting him settled on the bed with his foot propped up. I made the excuse of getting some water to leave the bed. With his exhaustion, he was likely to pass out the second he got situated. Right now, I needed to think. Sleep held little appeal.

I did get my glass of water, as I was thirsty, but I ended up on the couch. The bond was too stressed to let me go any farther, and frankly, I didn’t have the energy to move. I didn’t scroll on my phone or anything, merely stared out the window at the river that ran lazily past the house. I was a water baby. It was always soothing to me—even just looking at it.

There was many a person in this world who was very resilient in the face of danger. Apparently, I was among that number, considering what I’d been through this year. I’d come out of it okay every time. That said, I really, truly had not enjoyed it. The people who signed up to be soldiers were apparently made of sterner stuff than me because I couldn’t fathom, knowing what a battle was like, voluntarily going back into one.

Zhen very much had the soldier mentality. He thought nothing of fighting even when he was hurt and at a severe disadvantage. To him, those were just challenges to overcome to win the fight. I thought it pumped him up even more, honestly.

I adored this man to pieces, but I was not like him. I was a bookworm who liked quiet and for my action to be 2D. Being in the middle of a fight was not something I’d voluntarily sign up for. Watching my husband fight had been almost more frightening than having the danger come directly at me. It had shortened my lifespan last night, watching Zhen fight that Wolf, knowing his leg was in bad condition and could hamper him at the wrong moment. And there hadn’t been anything I could do about it.

That part had been the worst. The helplessness. Not knowing what to do to help. Fearing that if you chose the wrong thing, it would make it all so much worse. I’d lain there with Guo hovering over me like a living shield, watching the fight, fearing that at any second Zhen would lose. I had a feeling I’d have nightmares about that fight for months. Even now, my gut twisted with unease at the memory.

I felt tears prickle my eyes, and I didn’t fight them back at all this time. I was between a rock and a hard place, and honestly? I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t ask Zhen to change careers. I just couldn’t do that to him. I’d seen what he was like with a broken ankle, bound to a chair for a few weeks, and he’d taken it as well as a caged wild animal. It would break either our relationship or his spirit to make him do a desk job instead.

Chaining Zhen down wasn’t the answer.

How did people get tougher? How did people learn how to face these dangers without it destroying them? And how could I learn? Because that was the only way out I could see right now.

I heard the creak of the floor and looked around on instinct, surprised to find Zhen limping toward me. Then I realized I was an idiot—he wasn’t going to sleep until he knew I was all right and in bed with him.

He came around to my side, sitting on the couch next to me, and drew me into his arms. I went without a word, snuggling in. Holding him helped. I didn’t know what it was about skinship that gave such great comfort, but in this moment, I was desperately glad for it.

Zhen was being so sweet that I felt the dam bust and tears slipped out. I didn’t bother fighting them back this time. I was too stressed and tired to care just then if he saw me crying.

“Ahh, lǎo pó , you’re really not doing okay, are you? Tell me honestly.”

“I’m just not okay. I want to be, for your sake and mine, because…well, because. But truthfully, I want to go home and be in my pj’s, and dream of adopting cats, and work on the house. I don’t want to be in monster-infested mountains. I also know I can’t demand any of those things because you have a job to do here. I hated being so close to danger, knowing you weren’t at your best and watching you fight, and I wasn’t able to do anything but hide.”

“Just promising to be more careful isn’t going to cut it,” he murmured against my hair. “Is it?”

I shook my head, throat constricting to the point I had to fight to get words out. “It’s not you. I know this job is dangerous. I’m just…I’m just not cut out for it.”

“Not everyone is, and I don’t want you to beat yourself up for this. I dragged you into it.”

“We were both dragged into it.”

“Heh. Can’t argue that.” He released a gusty sigh, sounding tired. “First, stop beating yourself up for not being me. I don’t want you to be me.”

That strangely made me feel better. I’d felt like I’d failed him somehow by not adapting quickly. “You really aren’t disappointed with me for not fighting?”

“No. If anything, you’ve surprised me with how well you’re doing. Kris, seriously, ninety percent of the population screams and panics when they face what you’ve faced. They don’t keep their cool enough to shoot a Bloody Bones in the face. Or know how to take cover and stay in that cover in a fight with a Monocan myth. People panic. They do stupid things. Scream when they should hide. You’ve proven smarter than them, more capable.”

All right, now I definitely felt better.

“Please give yourself some grace, sweetheart. You’ve been thrown into this world with no training or anything. The learning curve has been sharp and brutal as hell. Of course you’re struggling. I’d be surprised if you weren’t.”

I snuggled in a little more against his shoulder, my tears finally stopping. He smelled of clean male skin, nice and calming. “If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s working.”

“I’m glad, but it’s still the truth of the matter. All that said, I do feel bad about dragging you into this without any real prep. Training you on how to react to things like this would help a lot, I know, but I also don’t want to break you. You’re already struggling with this so much. So, let’s try and find some kind of compromise.”

“I was sitting here trying to think of a compromise,” I admitted heavily. “But I don’t want to force you into a desk job.”

A true shudder went through him. “Yes, thank you, let’s not do that. You might as well put a bullet in me.”

“Kinda what I thought.”

“But I can take more of a break in between. Especially while you’re still getting used to all this.” He held up a finger. “So. Let’s do this. Barring emergencies, how about we rotate? Every other month, we let the other person do their job.”

I thought about that. Of only having to do this insanity six months out of the year instead of constantly. Wow, that sounded better already. “And on my months, will you train me so I’m not caught flat-footed?”

“Yup. See? Doesn’t that sound doable?”

“What are you going to do on my months, though?”

“Probably work on the house and make more of my gear. I’m always breaking stuff in fights, so either repairs or making more gear is a constant cycle.”

I took that in for a moment, rolling it over in my mind. I could see how that would keep him occupied. He liked to make things with his hands, and it was true the house was at a barely livable point right now, with plenty of projects left to do. Including the library, with floor-to-ceiling shelves and a library ladder he’d promised me.

“You really think that’ll be okay?”

He kissed my forehead. “I promise you it will. And if it’s not, for whatever unforeseen reason, then we come back and have this talk again and figure it out.”

The one main blessing I had with this man was his communication skills. Zhen was great at communicating. We’d have been screwed otherwise.

I tentatively gave my agreement to this. “It sounds workable on paper. I think you’re right, and we can do this. But if you get too frustrated, or if the emergencies pop up so often I’m not getting any real downtime, then we talk about this again and find some other way.”

“Deal.”

Now I felt truly relieved. This was an arrangement I could live with. “Do you have an idea of how you can train me so I can fight but not have my heart give out?”

“I do, actually. You’re really a very good shot. How about I train you to be a sniper?”

I thought about that. How I’d be able to sit in a warded area, or that special tent of his, and be able to cover him. How I could still protect us both without being in the direct line of fire. Hell yeah, that was a great idea.

“Let’s do it.”

He hugged me tight for a second. “Had a feeling you’d say that.”

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while, haven’t you?”

“Well, I’ve had the thought before. I just wasn’t sure at first if it was a good idea.”

“I’d much rather shoot at things from a distance.”

“I’ll train you in archery, too,” he promised, the little-boy excitement in his voice. “Sometimes arrows are the better option. I think you’ll be great at it.”

It did intrigue me. I was of English descent, so maybe Robin Hood had been in my ancestry. Who knew? “Sure. I’ll give it a go.”

“Excellent. Now, what can I get you so you calm down enough to sleep?”

“Ugh, I dunno.” I really didn’t. “I didn’t pack any of my comfort items for this trip. Which was a severe oversight on my part.”

“Well, I know of an instant parcel delivery service.”

I tilted my head back to look at him because what the hell was he talking about? “What?”

Turning his head, he called, “Jun Hie.”

Jun Hie popped out of the shadow underneath the living room table. “Yes?”

“I need you to do a quick stop at our place,” Zhen requested. “Kris, what’s your favorite comfort items?”

I really had not thought of asking my huodou pack for a favor like this, and I really should have because they’d be happy to bring anything I needed. Just how tired was I to not think of the obvious?

“ Heaven Official’s Blessing ,” I rattled off to him, “the chocolate wine I have in the pantry, and my strawberry Pocky.”

“Got it.” Jun Hie popped right back into the shadows and was off.

Zhen made a choking sound. “Chocolate…wine?”

“Shut up, it’s delicious.”

“That stuff is gaggingly sweet.”

“I like my alcohol sweet.”

“Noted and filed, but let’s get back to the bed.”

His foot was likely throbbing again with him walking on it. I had a feeling getting him to take it easy and heal from this injury would be just as bad as when he still had a cast on. Zhen and rest were mutual enemies from what I could tell.

We shuffled back to the bedroom. I got him resituated with his leg propped up on a pillow and another ice bag on it. He pulled his tablet out and started scrolling, looking at a tile store website. Which, granted, we really did need to figure out tile for the other rooms soon.

Jun Hie came back a minute later with my requested items. I guzzled the rest of my water and promptly used the glass for wine.

With profuse thanks to my friend, I settled in bed next to Zhen. For a few minutes, there was bliss. I had three of my favorite things in the world—four if you included my very sweet husband. Which I did. I drank my wine, ate my Pocky, and reread the first chapter of Heaven Official’s Blessing , which never failed to amuse me.

A chapter in, I glanced up at Zhen’s tablet and found him looking at some very pretty tile. “Ooh, I like that one.”

“I do too.” He tapped on the screen to enlarge the image. “I love that smoky blue-grey color. Wouldn’t this be a good tile to put around the hearth in your library?”

I imagined it with the dark walnut wood I wanted and the sea blue velvet drapes I’d already bought for the room, and I think my eyes went heart shaped. “It’s perfect.”

“Isn’t it? I’m going to favorite this one. I don’t want to order anything until I double-check the measurements.”

“Good idea, yeah. What else have you found?”

He went back to the favorites page to show me, and I liked everything but the subway tile. There would be no boring subway tile in my house. He laughed when I said that and deleted it, which proved he hadn’t been seriously considering it in the first place.

I leaned against his side, cuddling my comfort items, discussing tile and the house and the dreams we had for our home, and felt the terror of the previous night fade. Eventually, my eyelids started to droop heavily, and I knew I didn’t have much time before my exhaustion won out. I had just enough energy to put things on the nightstand before they could roll around on the mattress with me.

This time, I curled up next to Zhen, my hand on his, feeling loved and comforted as sleep yanked the rug out from underneath me.