25. Nikolai

Chapter 25

Nikolai

I couldn't see straight. Rage and fear warred inside of me as I pulled into the garage, not wanting my vehicle spotted in any situation. Not that it would be easy. Our driveway was not only gated and protected, but the house was also nearly a mile from the road, and surrounded by forest. We were well protected here. The guys and I had painstakingly made sure of that before we ever bought property together.

I exited the SUV, immediately opening the rear door to find Maddy shivering, her eyes still transfixed on absolutely nothing at all.

It was shock. I knew that much. She needed to be handled with care.

But rage, anger, fear, and about a million other emotions flooded my mind, clouding my better judgment.

"Let's go." It was cold. It was biting. It was borderline cruel. But I was afraid that if I said anything more, I'd lose my shit. And that wasn't how I wanted to handle this. Not after I'd fucked everything up so royally already.

Guiding her from the car, I grabbed one of her bags — the one with a shoulder strap — and flung it over my shoulder. I was glad that Quinn had noticed her suitcases lying in the driveway where she had dropped them when the shooting started. My hand stayed on the small of her back, making sure her body was closer to the house than the road at all times. It was foolish. My body would do little to protect her if bullets went flying again, but it was something. It was the least I could do at that moment.

Across the yard and up the two steps into the house we walked, opening the front door and stepping inside. Immediately, Sully popped his head out of the kitchen, an apron affixed around his large torso. His face was all smiles until he saw us. I barely saw Deacon coming from the living room, but I felt his presence as he joined us.

"Niko…" Deacon began.

"What the fuck?" Sully said at the exact time, their words overlapping.

"Not now!" I bit out in an angry, emotional response. "Deacon, suitcase in the car. Get it."

I dropped Maddy's bag on the floor right there in the entryway, not caring one bit as I lifted Maddy into my arms and made for the stairs.

"Put me down," Maddy protested half-heartedly. It was more than I'd heard her say since we'd arrived at the safe house, but just hearing her words gave me some small measure of hope that she would be ok.

"Shut it." The words were as cold as ever, but it was all I could manage through clenched teeth as I climbed the staircase quickly, taking her immediately to my bedroom.

Setting her down carefully on the bed, I strode over to my closet, pulling the first aid kit from my closet.

No sooner had I stepped back out into the room than the bedroom door opened. Deacon stood there with a stern, serious expression on his face.

"Not now, Deacon," I growled. I didn't mean to throw him any attitude, but my emotions were hanging by a thread, the adrenaline crash dangerously near.

"Yes now, Niko." He lifted his hand, holding his own medical kit in one hand. Deacon had served the majority of his military career as a medic, before taking on more… unsavory work within the special ops teams. "You both need to be looked at."

We stood there for a moment, almost at an impasse, as he waited for me to make my decision. As much as I wanted to close that bedroom door, locking both Maddy and me in here for the foreseeable future and not letting her out of my sight, Deacon was right.

With a nod of my head, Deacon came through the doorway, closing and locking the door softly behind him. I was grateful for his foresight. I did not want any other questions, concerns, or comments tonight. Tomorrow would be a different story, but tonight, I needed to be here. Just her and me.

"You good?" Deacon asked as he crossed past me, giving me a quick once over.

"I'm fine." It was true. I was not seriously injured in any way. A few scratches from the shattered glass, too much dirt to mention, and probably a bruise or two by morning, but nothing more serious than that. Maddy, on the other hand, sat there in utter shock, her eyes glazed over as she paid us no attention whatsoever. A fact that shook me to my core.

Before approaching her, Deacon turned to me, his hand on my shoulder.

"Why don't you go take a shower? Get yourself cleaned up while I tend to her." His calm tone and easy demeanor did little to soothe my aching nerves.

"Not on your fucking life, Deacon. I'm not letting her out of my sight," I spat back in a hissed whisper.

"Nikolai, brother. I don't know what happened. And you don't have to tell me yet. But she's in shock. And you probably are, too. Take a minute. You need a minute." He looked back at Maddy, my eyes following suit before turning back to him. "You both do."

"Will you be okay, Maddy?" I asked, fighting every urge inside me to hole up in this room for the next year, if that's what it took to keep her safe. I was nearly vibrating with rage, fear, and anxious energy, mixed with a desire to protect her. I needed to protect her, needed to succeed where I had just so very disastrously failed.

A few moments passed before she nodded her head, almost imperceptibly. It took everything in me not to shove Deacon right out the door, steal his medic bag, and lock him and the rest of the world out. But I listened to the man I'd grown to trust over these past years; the man I called brother. It was not a title easily given, or easily earned.

Grabbing a change of clothes, I headed for my personal en suite bathroom, looking back at Maddy once more before I closed the door, giving them privacy and myself a moment to collect myself.

Feeling cleaner, but not any more calm, I made my way out of the bathroom to see Deacon sitting beside Maddy on the edge of my bed, facing away from me. Deacon was whispering to her, his words unintelligible.

Deacon was like a brother to me. We'd been through hell and back in the sandbox together more times than I could count. So why was I filled with this possessive rage, seeing him offering her words of comfort, which was the exact thing I wanted to do?

I cleared my throat, drawing his attention. Maddy didn't move a muscle, her back still rigid and facing away from me. Deacon glanced at me over her shoulder, a slight nod of his head letting me know he was wrapping up.

"We'll talk tomorrow, and I'll redress that bandage, okay?" he said just loudly enough for me to hear. He left her there on the bed, walking over towards the door, where I met him.

"She's been through a lot, Niko."

"I know." It was all I could manage to say.

"I don't know what happened, but whatever it was… that girl was just put through hell for the second time in less than a month. I'm here if you need me." I didn't miss the way his eyes scanned over me, checking for any marks on me that he might need to tend. There was a non-zero chance that I had been less than honest with him in the pa st, pretending to be fine, when in reality I had some major injury that needed tending.

What could I say? I wasn't one to be waited on or tended to much. Unless I was dying or something.

"I know," I reassured him, thanking him with a look instead of words. He left the room, and I locked it behind him. I didn't need any more interruptions tonight.

Turning to face Maddy, I tried to figure out where to even start, with all the things I wanted to say to her. Adrenaline still coursed through my veins, and I could not make sense of half the thoughts running through my head.

"Maddy, I…" I began, instantly trailing off as my mind failed to find a single complete thought to articulate.

"What, Niko?" she sighed heavily, her voice far more meek and timid than I had ever heard her.

"First of all, are you okay?" I asked her, finally letting my fear and concern for her safety and health come to the surface.

She was quiet for a moment, completely stone still, sitting on the edge of my bed, hands clasped so tightly in her lap that her knuckles were white.

"Why the fuck do you care?"

Whatever response I had expected from her, it sure as fuck wasn't that.

"Excuse me?" I said, unable to hold back my scoff of derision.

"Did I fucking stutter?" she seethed, so quietly it struck a chord of dread inside of me.

"Why do I care?" I repeated, my voice raising slightly. "Why the fuck do I care?!" I almost spat out. The fear and concern that I had let filter through my stronghold of control immediately receded, making way for the anger and rage that had fueled every decision and every step I had taken since the moment that first shot was fired mere hours ago.

"Are you fucking serious right now?" I nearly shouted, utterly bewildered and flabbergasted by her short retort.

"That's what I said. Not that you care what I have to fucking say." The rage lacing her normally sweet, if bratty, voice took me completely by surprise.

"How can you fucking say that? How can you act like that after you… after we just…" I barely managed to stutter out past my incredulity.

"After what, Niko?" she finally said at full volume, her head turning to regard me with such hatred filling her eyes it nearly took my breath away.

"I literally just saved your fucking life, Maddy. I… what… What the fuck?" I finally managed to get out. The emotions that roiled within my gut finally rose to the surface, spilling out without my consent or control. The energy of it all made it impossible to stand still, so I began pacing furiously. It was either that or grab her by the arms and shake some fucking sense into her goddamn head.

"Saved my life? You put me in danger, Niko." Her vitriolic words flowed like acid, burning to the deepest part of my soul, the part I kept hidden, the part she had somehow crept into over the course of these last weeks. No words could have cut me deeper, I was sure of it.

"You think I put you in that danger? I saved your life. I tried to save your life. If you hadn't…" I trailed off, huffing an grily as I ran my hand through my hair, stomping up and down the length of my room like I meant to wear through the floor.

"If I hadn't what? Why be shy now, Niko? Say what you want to say," she tossed back, her eyes shooting daggers through me so sharp and piercing that I was certain I'd carry more scars from it than the firefight we'd just somehow walked away from.

"You want me to say it? Do you?" I spat, rage filling me as the reality of what we had both been through eroded my ability to think clearly, breaking through in the most damning and destructive way imaginable.

"Why the hell not?" she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Fine. What the ever-loving fuck, Maddy? What were you thinking?!" I seethed, my voice echoing around the room as my fists clenched tightly at my sides.

"What do you mean, what was I thinking?"

"Why didn't you stay in the fucking car?" I all but screamed at her. My heart was pounding, and I could barely control myself. My anger was hanging on by a thread. I didn't know if I wanted to pull her to me or shake her so hard she saw stars — and maybe some fucking sense.

She scoffed yet again, rolling those beautiful blue eyes at me.

"What was I thinking? What was I thinking ?! Jesus Christ, Niko. I thought you'd been fucking shot when that window got blown out. I thought you were fucking dead!" she screamed, rising from her seat and staring me down, hands on her hips in a blaze of fucking glory.

I had to admit, there was a part of me that was glad to see her shake out of her stupor. Emotion, I could handle. The shell-shocked, timid, unsure ghost of the woman she was, I simply could not.

I couldn't reach her with kindness earlier, but apparently my anger would work. And I was fine with that.

As long as she was talking, doing anything other than sitting there in silence. That silence was the most deafening sound I'd ever heard.

However, her words were like fuel to the flame of my anger.

"Even if I was dead, why the hell would you risk your own life like that?"

We stood there toe to toe, eyes ablaze with anger, rage, and emotions I wasn't sure either of us understood in the aftermath of all that had happened.

"Oh, don't play dumb, Niko," she spat, rolling her eyes.

"No, I'm serious. What the hell has been with you these last two days?" Had it been two days? One day? Three? I honestly didn't know at this point. Time blurred into indeterminate measurements I could not seem to grasp.

"What the hell has been wrong with me ?" she replied incredulously, a look of utter disbelief written on her face.

"Will you stop parroting everything I fucking say and just answer me, goddammit?"

"You want me to talk? Fine. I'll talk. But you're going to fucking listen."

"Fine. But you better answer me one real question here: why the fuck don't you ever listen?" My heart thundered in my chest, my hands gripping my own hips as I mirrored her stance.

"Why do you fucking care?" she shrieked. "You didn't want me here, anyway."

Her words stopped me cold in my tracks, my mind searching through the events of the last few days to try to make sense of her words.

"What the hell are you even talking about?"

"I heard you." Her words were like ice, quiet and eerily calm. "I heard every fucking word."

"What the hell are you even talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Obviously, I don't, or I wouldn't be asking." We stood even closer, leaning in towards one other.

"I heard you on the phone that morning with Quinn."

"What?" I stood there, utterly confused by her words. "What did you hear me say, exactly?"

"Stop playing fucking dumb, Niko! I heard you on the phone, explaining how this was too much. How I was too much." Pain exploded through my entire body.

That's why she had iced me out. That was why she had been so nasty to me the whole day, refusing to acknowledge me even as we drove to the safe house. Guilt wracked me like a sledgehammer.

"Maddy, I —"

"No! It's my turn to talk. You can fucking listen for once. You told me that a dynamic was built on trust, mutual understanding, and communication. So where was your fucking communication there, Niko? Huh? Where was the mutual fucking respect?"

I stood there, mouth agape as she spoke, her words flowing over me like white-hot knives stabbing every part of my soul.

"If you didn't want this, you could have just fucking said so. I'm not a child, Niko. I could have handled it."

"Maddy, let me explain," I begged her, but her eyes pinned me to the wall yet again.

"I'm not fucking finished." She spun on her heel, turning away from me. She began pacing, mirroring my earlier movements as she searched for words, or perhaps worked to control her anger. Honestly, it was probably both. Sully had been right. We were both cut from the same cloth.

"I cannot believe you would do this. That you would throw it all away without even saying a word to me. Hell, you barely even explained to me why you were sending me away. Sure, you said that it was because a safe house was made available, but that was only half of the story. You pushed it off as though it were that detective's decision. But we both know the truth."

"You're right." The words were soft, barely a whisper, but it was time to stop ignoring the elephant in the room. It was time to be honest.

"What?" she asked, spinning back towards me, her brow furrowed with angry confusion.

"I said you're right. There are a million reasons I could list right now for why I made that call, why I said what I said, but it doesn't matter anymore."

"It does fucking matter, Niko. You broke your promise. "

"I know."

"You broke your word."

"I know."

"And if you think for one second that I'm going to let you off the hook for it—"

"I don't. And you shouldn't. It was wrong of me. I should have talked to you. I should have told you how I was feeling."

"And what is it that you're feeling, Niko? What did I do that was so horrible that you had to literally send me away without even telling me why? You didn't even give me enough respect to be fucking honest with me."

"I was a coward." I looked down to the floor in an uncharacteristic act of submission. I was full of so much remorse at her words, guilt and shame flooded every cell of my being.

She sighed heavily, turned back to the bed, plopped down onto it with a thud, and put her head in her hands. She sat there quietly, and the silence roared so loudly that my ears rang and my pulse raced.

"Niko, whatever happened… fuck…" she trailed off, the anger gone from her voice. "I just… I don't have it in me to fight with you like this. I'm angry and hurt, but I just can't fight with you anymore. Not like this."

Her voice was filled with so much helplessness and exhaustion, it was almost impossible to hold myself back from going to her. But I had no intention of adding fuel to her fire.

Deacon had been right. We had both been through hell today. I didn't need to add to her strife.

After a long moment, she looked up at me, running a hand through her hair and wincing as it pulled at the cut on her head. It wasn't deep. Deacon had put a small bandage on it, which told me I didn't need to worry about it. I couldn't help worrying about it, though.

"I have some things I need to say, Niko. And you're going to listen. Number one, you are far too controlling. Not just in a Dominant kind of way, but in everything you do. Number two, you hold yourself to a standard that is literally crippling just to watch. You rarely let go, and when you do, it's beautiful. But you never let anyone see it, because you spend most of your time worrying about everyone and everything other than yourself."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

"Shut up and let me finish. And number three, you let the past dictate your future. To the point that you literally are self-sabotaging everything good in your life. And if you aren't careful, you'll end up alone, with no one beside you. Not even these guys. People have limits. You expect everyone to respect yours, but you make unrealistic demands all the time."

"Well, if you feel that way—"

"Does it look like I'm finished? I said shut up, and I meant it. The point of me saying all this is that despite all the things I just mentioned, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't get the thought of you out of my head, and trust me, I've tried. These last weeks together, I was lying."

"You lied to me?"

"No, you idiot. I was lying to myself. And I thought I was doing it for the right reasons."

"And what reasons would that be?"

"You know, you're terrible at following directions, which is doubly surprising as you're both a veteran and a Dominant. You give orders, but you never follow other people's orders."

"Answer the question."

"Case in mother fucking point Niko. The reason I thought I was doing the right thing by lying to myself is because I didn't want to cross your boundaries."

"My boundaries…"

"Yes. You told me, quite clearly, that you wanted to keep this casual. That it was just a bit of fun to pass the time while I was stuck here."

"You wanted the same thing."

"That's not the point."

"Yes, it damn well is. We agreed."

"Exactly. That is the point. We both agreed to this. Because it's what we both wanted. But that changed. For me at least."

"It changed?"

"Yes. I'm not sure when or how it did, but it changed. I was lying to myself by saying that all I wanted was to fool around, to play this game of a dynamic with you. And before you say anything, I know that a dynamic is not a game. But you get my point. I thought it was what I wanted. And I knew it was all you wanted. So, I wouldn't allow myself to even entertain the idea of there being something more. But guess what? I didn't really get to have a say in that. Because you had to go and be all… you… and make me fucking fall in love with you."

My heart, which had been pounding with the anger and adrenaline that filled me, suddenly stopped dead in my chest as I processed her words. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. I finally found my voice, although it was little more than a strained whisper.

"What did you just say?"

"My god, do you need hearing aids? I said I love you, you big, snarky asshole."

"Just shut up and say it again," I urged her, needing desperately to hear the words.

"Well, which is it?" She said, finally offering the smallest hint of a smile. "Do you want me to shut up, or to say it again?"

I crossed over to her finally, kneeling on the floor before her so that our eyes were level with one another.

"Say it again," I repeated, this time much calmer, much kinder. "Please."

"Since you asked so nicely," she began, her hand touching my jaw. "I love you."

"That's what I thought you said." My hand wrapped around the side of her neck, needing to touch her. Her pulse thundered wildly beneath the pad of my thumb, matching the rhythm of my own beating heart.

"Well, cat got your tongue there, buddy?" she said, the sparkle reigniting in those ocean-blue eyes of hers.

"Not in the slightest. Just needed a moment to make sure it was real."

"You don't believe me?" she said, one eyebrow arching high on her forehead.

"I guess I just never thought the woman who stole my heart weeks ago would actually love me back."

"Shut up and say it again."

"You little minx."

And with that, I stole her lips in a kiss, one that sealed the truth we had both finally been honest about. Honest with ourselves, and with each other.

Honesty often wasn't easy. Sometimes, it was damn near impossible to find. But I had never been more certain that honesty really was the best policy.