Chapter 48

MAEVE

Tobias never left us,but following the vulnerability he showed the night at the club, he's behind his walls again. This morning, I decided against pushing at him to talk since his discoveries about the catacombs switched our focus to one thing. A plan of action to get inside the tunnels and gather information as soon as possible.

We followed Andrei's insistence we visit asap, and those plans took over any discussion about what I learned last night. Instead, I watched the group as they spoke, reminded of the times at the academy's cottage, as Tobias took over and outlined specifics.

He's committed to us.

I also haven't spoken to Andrei about the Tobias situation yet because he's guaranteed to lose focus. As with much concerning Andrei right now, his response to Tobias would be unpredictable and distracting. Jamie and Ash behave normally around Tobias, which I expected from Ash, but not Jamie.

In a way, Tobias gave Jamie an advantage over him—Tobias's need to keep the peace helps Jamie's plans for the shadows. Tobias has less influence over decisions when he needs to take care around us. When I told Jamie about leaving the past behind, I meant what I said. If Tobias's latest reveal sways any decisions I make now, that could affect all of our futures.

The atmosphere in the house remains muted, today's events both a success and a disaster. Ash has an envelope that Tobias asked him to take from Art's room in the middle of the distraction—there's a coded address written somewhere, so that's Jamie occupied for the rest of the afternoon. Andrei keeps a low profile, heading to his room to sleep—and avoid us—and Ash cooks dinner for us all. His culinary skills extend to simple pasta dishes, but that beats frozen microwave meals.

If Jamie can't decipher the code, we've no choice but to return to the catacombs tomorrow to comb for more clues. This gives me time to talk and smooth over what I can with Tobias. I am not accepting Tobias's distance or leaving the conversation he'll hate any longer.

Unable to locate Tobias in the house, I head towards the kitchen. "Is Tobias outside?" I ask Ash.

He pauses, holding the small knife he's using to chop tomatoes. "I don't think so. Have you spoken to Tobias about anything since last night?"

"No, but I'm about to once I finally find him."

"Good. Does Andrei know yet?"

I choke a laugh. "After his performance today? I'm leaving that conversation until absolutely necessary."

"Andrei won't be happy if you hide what you know."

"And Tobias won't be happy when Andrei burns his eyes out." I say the words lightly, but my stomach lurches.

"Nah. Andrei wouldn't do that."

"He attacked Tobias once before, remember? Neither will tell me why, which means it's something to do with me." I sigh and pass Ash a fresh tomato. "I'll decide what to do once I've a better handle on Andrei's responses. Once he has a better handle."

"Mmm." Ash slices through the tomato. "I'm happy you're talking things through with Tobias. If he gives you any shit, come find the dragon."

Ash smiles, but I'm not entirely sure he's joking.

"Thanks for cooking dinner."

"I thought that'd force us all to sit down together in a calmer way. We need to."

He looks in surprise as I kiss his cheek. "And that thought is exactly what I meant last night, Ash. You're a rare breed."

Tomato-covered fingers tip my chin, and he briefly kisses me. "Are you alright after this afternoon?"

"Fine." I force a smile. Andrei's another person on my list of people to talk to tonight. "We're all safe, and I learned I can kick Super Andrei's arse."

With a shake of his head, Ash returns to his prepping, and I wander to the conservatory doors to head outside.

I gaze up to the sky where the moon now dips in and out of the clouds, hiding with the emerging stars as evening takes hold. No Tobias on the outdoor chairs, only remnants of Dorian's blood runes. Rather than sit, I walk across the lawn that Andrei enjoys lying on, to the roses bordering the end of the lawns.

I run fingers across the fragrant petals, drifting back into anxiety about what we'll face next, and worries about Andrei. The Dominion who survived will tell one hell of a story about him. Even if they can't give her Andrei's name, Gabriella will figure out who based on his description and of those with him.

Light crosses the pavers and then retreats again as the door to the house opens and closes. A familiar figure walks to sit on one of the metal chairs. Tobias won't see me in the growing gloom, but he'll sure as hell know I'm here.

Yes. Because Tobias abruptly stands and turns back. Where was he earlier? Hiding?

"Don't you bloody dare, Tobias," I call out.

What arrests him? That I'm here, or the aggressive warning in my tone? Because he halts, not turning to me. The moon sneaks from the clouds again, pointlessly because I can't see Tobias's expression, only the shadow of his lean figure.

"Maeve," he says evenly.

I clench and unclench my fists, drawing in the calm to starve the shadows. After today, I'm confident that they're here when I want to call on them, but now isn't one of those times, especially if shadows have the ability to do what they want.

"You still won't look at me?" I ask.

Slowly, Tobias turns, bright eyes wary. "I have looked at you, Maeve."

"But barely spoken. Why?"

"You didn't seem keen to speak. Our attention focused elsewhere," Tobias says stiffly.

"Well, you have my attention now." I tread across the lawn towards him.

"I don't know what else to say and don't want to upset you. I doubt you see me the same way."

"The same? You mean the Tobias I fooled myself is now honest with me? Is that even possible for you?"

"There's nothing else to know about me," he says flatly.

"Yet it took a stranger to reveal your past rather than telling the truth from your own mouth?"

Tobias remains at a wary distance, away from the dim light inside the conservatory, face half-visible. "I apologise."

"Right. For what?"

"Everything I've done that can't be undone." Neither of us move any closer. "And I understand your anger, Maeve. By keeping my distance, I lessen the chance the situation between us can affect what needs to be done now. But I stayed, as promised."

My mind seizes at his words and attitude, and I move forward catching Tobias off guard as I shove him in the chest. "Stop being such a martyr!"

He barely moves, eyes wide. "Martyr? Are you serious?"

The mingled frustration and anger trembles through my limbs. "Since the moment you told me you regularly screwed Anastasia, on the same night I saw someone's memories of your immoral, disgusting past, you've hardly spoken to me and not once looked me in the eye for more than a glance."

He flinches. "You deserve better."

"Omigod!" I smack another hand into his chest. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"What?" he chokes out.

I tap the side of my head. "This self-absorbed bullshit interferes with what's necessary for us right now—focusing on unity and destroying those who want to destroy us."

"I do not feel sorry for myself! I own what I did back then."

"Yet here's your usual Tobias trick—slam a barrier between yourself and everybody else." I clench my teeth. "You killed my family, Tobias, and I dealt with that headfuck. Anastasia? Also, a headfuck, but she isn't alive, and that guilty secret only affects you, nobody else. The witches you… those things I saw? If I have to accept you, I accept that. You need to accept the past too. Honestly, I'm sick of going around in circles, Tobias."

"Maeve…" He falters.

"You avoided me because you expected I'd react like weak Maeve pulled down by her emotions?"

"No, but what you saw…" His throat bobs, and he drags a hand through his hair.

What I saw. Ash's words. I falter. "Did you sexually assault any of the witches?"

He doesn't skip a beat. "No, Maeve."

"How can you be sure? With your skills that helped you and your sick friends?" I fully expected Tobias to look away, but his unwavering gaze remains on mine. "I can't imagine consent matters to a man who kills."

"The two crimes are not necessarily linked," he says stiffly, and I hold back a disgusted response. "Why the hell do you want to talk about this if you want to forget the past?"

"Because I need to know," I say, voice like winter and I swallow down the sickness surging inside.

"You don't understand that lifestyle. The people. Yes, I did things. Abhorrent things, but not that."

How much does Tobias sound like the man who once talked down to me for my prejudice against the supernatural world in the early days? But he isn't. None of this is the same. I can choose to accept he's truthful—or close him out.

"Do you believe me?" I can't reply. "Maeve, I've never, ever assaulted a woman in that way. I've told you this before and that wasn't a lie." I tense as he grips my arm, and I turn my head to meet his glittering eyes. "Hate me for lying about Anastasia. For lying again. But that is the truth."

Tobias held back part of who he is over and over. I've learned the man does this through guilt and self-denial, but why so many times? "Tobias, I don't hate you but every time I'm hit with another of your secrets, I worry. I'm scared that you hide things because you want that life again."

"What?" His voice drops almost to a whisper. "No. And even if that were true, I have a block in my mind."

The block. The curse. All the times that Tobias helped. Saved my life—the others' lives. Once over, I swore Tobias thinks everything good he does atones for the past. But despite the Confederacy's block, Adeline's curse, and everything from his history, the man naturally steps up when needed.

Yet he always drags himself backwards again.

Others I know have events in their pasts they'd rather forget too. Andrei's history that's still hazy to me involves death, and my father Lex and his failed spell that ruined lives.

But they accept their past. Themselves.

"Is this everything? Your last secret?" I whisper and he nods. "Promise me there's nothing else."

"I promise. I'll sit down with you sometime and tell you more about that man if it'll help." He hesitantly takes my hand. "Deal with the ‘self-absorbed bullshit'."

"I'm not taking those words back, Tobias." He smiles wryly at my response. "There're things locked away. Not only the part the Confederacy allegedly blocked, but suppressed memories."

"Allegedly? No. The block is there."

I nod, but there's another conversation missing that I can't get into right now. Somewhere inside Tobias's head, information about my family's deaths remains hidden. He either suppressed memories himself or somebody else did because Tobias's vagueness about that night and events leading up to the murders comes from more, I swear.

Tobias locks his mind to hold back secrets he'd rather forget. But is he the only one with the key? The Confederacy blocked Tobias's nature but did they obstruct his memories of the Winterfall deaths too?

I hold Tobias's face. "The reason I wanted to speak to you? I don't feel any differently about the man in front of me now and I want you to stay. Always."

"I'm not leaving," he whispers and strokes my hair. "The curse bound us, but that bond never broke on the day the curse did."

"I want that to be true, Tobias, but is that enough? Am I enough?"

"Yes. How can you ask that? You'd already pulled me apart to find my heart and soul and showed me there's light inside the darkness. I love you, Maeve, and I can't lose the person who fills me with that light every day."

His words press tears to my eyes, and I run my fingers across his cheek, pausing with the tips on his lips. "All those days and nights at the Winterfall House, waiting for you when nobody else believed you lived after the academy fell. They're some of the worst I've ever experienced. I'll never forget the moment I saw you again. Touched you. How you held me with the same fear that we'd lost each other. From that hug, I knew you'd always come back to me."

He moves my fingers to kiss the tips. "I could never walk away and break us. Myself. Everything."

"Like I said, if you do I'll hunt you and you'll regret leaving." I smile, heart warming as he smiles too, the recent distance in his eyes retreating.

"Understood."

"I love you as you are, Tobias, not as the person you'd like to be. Do you understand that too?"

He gathers me in his arms and holds me tight. "Yes," he whispers into my hair. "Whatever changes in the future, we never will."

Our mouths meet in a gentle kiss, Tobias's lips soft against mine. He's as deeply in my heart and soul as I am in his as Tobias's love wraps around and protects that heart when once he'd only protect his own. We're not bound by a curse but losing him would tear away a part of me.

Can we change the course of our lives planned by fate? Or will the creature who's already altered lives of a whole race of vampires possess our future and prevent the one we want?

The concern I push away sneaks in again: if I do change the future a second time, what will happen to my mind?