Chapter 32

Chapter 32

Cassie

It felt like it had been a different lifetime I’d last smelled the sweet air of Strawberry Lounge, that low dim haze hanging over the dance floor. It was quiet right now—Monday evening wasn’t exactly peak hours—but the thumping music and the sound of glasses clinking around me were all the sound I needed to lose myself in my spiraling thoughts. My drink—I didn’t even know what it was, I just asked the bartender for something happy, and I got something cute and pink with a little cherry on top, but that sweet cherry flavor cut with vodka only reminded me of that first night here, when I’d run into Parker.

And of every day since then, while her apartment had slowly morphed from an exciting place that made my heart pound just to be in, into a place that felt like home. While my Insta persona had become something real, something true, and something meaningful with Parker next to me, and while my silly little crush had turned into my first love. My heart bled like it was cut with every sip of my drink, and each memory of Parker was another gash.

Nestling together on the sofa watching Guess, the silly little morning back-and-forth while trying to get her out of bed for recording… hanging Christmas decorations, being happy at Christmas for the first time since I was little. Her holding my hands when I ran into Gary, making me feel human again. Our first kiss, flushed sweet with the smell of pomegranate. Feeling Parker’s skin under my fingers for the first time. That trip to Brightstown, where I realized I loved her.

Ugh. Drinking was making me sadder. Wasn’t that the opposite of how it was supposed to work? I wasn’t experienced enough with drowning my sorrows. Why did anyone do this?

“Well, look who it is,” Sasha’s voice said from behind me, and I dragged myself back to look at where she sank into the seat next to me, dressed up in a black tank with a deep V-neck and a bold printed design across the front, tight dark jeans, her hair gathered into a messy high bun. She looked like sex appeal, and honestly, it made me feel worse, because that made me think of her with other girls, and that made me think of me with Parker, and then like a magnet, I was drawn right back into the gloomy thoughts. “You look like you’ve seen better days,” Sasha said.

“Yeah… maybe, like, whatever three hundred sixty five times my age is, maybe that many better days.”

She leaned forward on the bar top, looking at me, eyes flushed with concern. “What’s the matter?”

“Good news or bad news first?”

“Er—good news. I think you’re really looking to tell me the bad news, so let’s get the good part out of the way and focus on what you really need to talk about.”

I buried my face in my arms. “You look good. You’re probably here to pick somebody up tonight, not talk to me about… just, about… a load of crap.”

“Got something that might make you feel a little better, at least?” She set her handbag on the bar surface and reached inside, pulling out a little blue-and-yellow armband. “Finally took the plunge. Pretty tacky, but I don’t mind it.”

I blinked. “Your café didn’t, like, ban those?”

“Well, no. They’re not enforcing a no-armbands dress code.” She looked away. “But it doesn’t matter. I quit anyway.”

“Wait—” I sat up straighter. “When did that happen? Why?”

“Didn’t like all the… Morning Magic stuff. They kept branding the café, like what you’ve been doing with Express, but it’s felt so forced and uncomfortable. We had books with pre-scripted branded lines to read off, to enhance the visitor experience… tacky decorations up everywhere. Felt like I was working at Disney.” She shrugged. “But besides that, I mean… you’re my friend. And you like Parker. A lot, too. So, just didn’t feel right to keep working there.”

I stared at her for the longest time before I felt myself cracking a little more. “You didn’t need to do that just for me and Parker,” I said, just a whisper.

“That’s what I told myself for a while, but I kind of did need to do that, just for you and Parker.” She looked back at me, an intense look in her eyes. “And for me, too. Feels nice to finally make a principled stand for something, after all.”

I sighed, hanging my head. “That’s really good of you and everything, and then… it doesn’t even matter, because Gary Founders is buying Express.”

“Wait—what?” She whirled on me, planting her hands on the seat and leaning towards me. “Hold on. That’s the bad news, isn’t it?”

“I thought you wanted to hear the good news first.”

She shrugged wildly. “Well, you kind of spilled the bad news first, didn’t you? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“That’s just the start of the bad news.” I looked away. “The good news is I told the other girls.”

She pursed her lips. “About Express? They’ll all be devastated. They were having so much fun—”

“No, no.” I shifted. “That I’m gay.”

She stared at me, suddenly silent. After an eternity like that, nothing but the thumping of the music and the sweet smell of the hot air against the back of my neck and deep in my nostrils, she said, “You told them?”

“They were really wonderful about it. I mean, a little clumsy and confused in places, but so good to me.” I shrugged, looking down at the floor. “Come to think of it, I didn’t even get to tell Parker. There’s been so much going on… she would have been so proud of me.”

Sasha’s pupils dilated. “Hold on. From the way you’re saying that, it’s sounding like you and Parker broke up.”

I snorted. “Broke up? We couldn’t break up if we weren’t even together.” I took a shot of my drink, and once again, it just made me feel worse about myself. Again, why did people do this kind of thing?

“Cassie, you’re head over heels for her. Why would you—”

“I thought you were the one telling me she was nothing but trouble, that I needed to stay away—”

“For crying out loud, Cassie, I was—jealous,” she said, her voice falling off halfway through, looking down at the bar.

“You said that before. What do you mean, jealous?”

She was quiet for a minute. When she spoke again, it was barely above a mumble. “Jealous of you actually being authentic with yourself. Jealous of you having something real… some kind of connection with a woman you actually cared about. Not like me and my shitty little double life here, picking up girls by night and going back to being a glossy Insta girl by day.” She shifted, tracing her fingers in patterns on the bar surface. “I’m, uh… really proud of you coming out. To the other girls. I’m really glad they were good about it. God knows you deserve it, Cassie.”

“Thank you,” I said, softly. We fell into the quiet of glasses clinking around us as the music ramped off, changing into a quieter, more downbeat song. “There’s nothing to be jealous of here. I just… fell in love with someone I could only bring problems to.”

“Cassie,” she said, brows knitted in concern. “Can you tell me what happened?”

I dumped it all on her—it was slow at first, mumbling, admitting to things feeling ridiculous for it, but before long I spilled it all out. How I’d been with Gary before, how he’d taken it as a personal insult when I left, and how I’d just invited him to escalate and escalate against Express until I agreed to leave. How I’d fallen for Parker, and how bad it felt to realize I was the root of all her problems.

“She told me not to leave,” I sighed, staring into my now half-empty glass. Maybe I was just a sad drunk. Maybe that was why drinking made me sadder. Lesson learned for the future, at least. Maybe I was more of a sad-shopping girl than a sad-drinking one. “Told me… you know… that she cared for me. Didn’t want me to go. That we wouldn’t be able to be together. But what else was I supposed to do?”

She pulled me into an embrace, reaching over from her seat and tugging me into her. I buried my face in her shoulder, just letting her squeeze me tightly. “I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice just a breath. “You deserve to just be happy.”

“Clearly not. Must have screwed something up in a past life.”

“No… just that Gary is a miserable little pile of shit.”

I laughed. Maybe it was crying? I actually couldn’t tell. “Can’t it be both, Sash?”

“No, because you are sweetness and sunshine and sparkles and everything good in the world, and you couldn’t have possibly done a single bad thing in a past life. The worst I can see from you is, like, being mad and giving a passing butterfly a mean look, but you probably apologized to it anyway.”

“I feel bad for the butterfly.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you do.” She patted my back before she pulled back away. “Seriously. When I found out you were closeted, too, I thought you were the same way as me. You know, the whole bubbly Insta persona thing, and then the real self. Turns out you’re just bubbly.”

“I don’t know. I’m a lot messier in real life. Parker always talks about my Insta self being glossy. That’s the word she uses, too.” I kicked under the bar. “She hasn’t said it in a while, actually.”

“Yeah, because she’s a part of it now. And she knows you better, so I think she just realized that’s what you’re always like. Just like I did. You’re too good for this world.”

“You were already telling me I was too good for Parker.”

She squeezed my hand on the bar surface. “I don’t get Parker. But she makes you happy. You seem more comfortable with yourself when you’re with her. And it seems like you trust her when things go wrong. I think that’s all that matters.”

I sighed so hard I felt like I should have collapsed, deflated, just melted into a little puddle. “But it doesn’t matter now. If I stay with her, she’s screwed. I love her, and that’s exactly why I have to leave.”

“I am sure that’s what you’ve told yourself,” she said, squeezing my hand again. I scowled.

“What do you mean?” I paused. “You think I screwed up. That I shouldn’t have pressed to go.”

“Well… yeah. You didn’t want it, she didn’t want it. You’re in love with her, Cassie. And from the sounds of things, I’ll bet you she’s in love with you, too. She just won’t admit it for her life. She’s chickenshit with her feelings.”

I put my hands up. “Is that word trendy or something? Her sister used it too. Saying the exact same thing.”

She paused. “You met her sister? Parker Ferris? I didn’t even know she had a family. I assumed she was just built in a factory.”

“Oh.” I scratched my arm. “Forget I said that.”

“Cassie, she is so closed off. I’m not even sure Parker’s her real name. And she introduced you to her family?”

Well, Parker wasn’t her first name. But if I said that, it would just give credibility to her argument. “Um… yeah. She said she wanted to show me that she cared.”

She let out a long breath, sinking back in her seat, rubbing her temples. “Cassie, she’s in love with you.”

“She isn’t… I don’t think.” I kicked the air under the bar again. “I mean, she said things like that she’s never felt… anything like this before.”

“You’re in love with each other. I’ve watched you come alive these past few months with Parker. You’ve done what I couldn’t do after three years living a double life between my page and the damn lesbian bar.”

I pursed my lips. “At this point, just having casual hookups sounds like a better idea.”

“Look…” She sighed. “There’s a girl in here I really like.”

“What—” I turned to her. “Really? Who is she?”

“She’s… that’s not important,” she mumbled, looking down. “The point is, I come in here all the time to psych myself out. I go talk to her. And every time, I bring up my page and talk about Insta life, to imply why telling her how I feel is a bad idea. Mostly because I want her to tell me one of these times doesn’t matter, you should ask me out anyway.” She swallowed, going back to tracing patterns on the bar surface. “I kind of attached to you when you first came here because I thought you’d be validation. That I’d get to watch you lead the same little scaredy-cat life I was leading. But you saw the girl you liked here, eyed her until she approached you, and asked to move in with her.”

I flushed suddenly molten hot. “That’s not exactly—”

“But it kind of is, isn’t it?” She shrugged. “And you’ve done all the things I couldn’t do. I’d never have had the guts to associate so closely with an out lesbian anywhere near my page, let alone the girl I liked. And on some level, I was kind of rooting for you to fail. I wanted to be proven right, that my own little chickenshit approach to things was the right way. That’s probably why I stayed with your rival company, too—just wanted to be on the other side and watch you fall, because misery loves company.” She shook her head, closing her eyes lightly. “But… you really did it. You’ve been living your authentic self. You got close with the girl you like, and you fell in love. With each other. Hell, you U-Hauled on day one. And you came out,” she said, her voice small now. “To the others. And it went well. And… I am so fucking jealous. But I’m so fucking happy for you.”

Dammit, I couldn’t take this kind of thing right now. I blinked back tears. “Sash, you really shouldn’t be jealous of me right now. I screwed up this whole thing. I’m meeting with Gary tomorrow at noon—”

“No, because all of this brings me right back to what I was saying,” she said. “Just stepping away and trying to lose your feelings for somebody doesn’t work, Cassie. You’ll just go forever regretting it. Trust me. I’ve been in and out of this place for the past year just… hoping one of these days I stop feeling attracted to her. I’ve been seeing you these past months, and I know there’s nothing Gary can give you or Parker that can replace what she is to you. You love her.”

“But there’s nothing I can do,” I said, turning to her. “I can tell you right now I’d do anything it takes to stay with her, that I love her and I want to ride out every storm with her, but what does that matter if me being with her is the thing that’s going to ruin it for her?”

“Did she say she wants you to go?”

I faltered. “Well, no, but…”

“So don’t go.” She paused. “Cassie. How much are you willing to risk?”

I tensed. “I… don’t know.”

“Give me the true answer, not the right one.”

“Ugh. That makes it harder.” I looked away. “Everything, I guess.”

“I’ve got an idea,” she said. “But it might be risky. Do you have anything else you’re doing tonight?”

I blinked. “Um… aside from drinking because I’m sad and having it only make me sadder? Not really.”

“Great. Let’s see what Rashmi is doing. I’m pretty sure Sophie was free tonight, too, right?”

“What are we doing?”

She laughed. “Parker has this awful saying,” she said, and that was all she really needed to say for me to know exactly what we were doing.