Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Cassie

“Cassie, you guys have been on fire lately, I swear,” Ellie laughed in between sips of her milkshake. When the others murmured agreement, she looked around at them. “Right? I have been so into watching Express absolutely tear it up.”

“Well, we’ll see,” I laughed nervously, scratching at my hand. My heart was hammering wildly, trying to walk myself through the internal monologue of what exactly I was doing here. Sugar Kiss suddenly felt miles away. “Um… this whole party’s actually just a big hype-up event for some big things happening tomorrow. It could make or break the whole company, so, fingers crossed for us, okay, guys?”

The gasp from everyone was polite. Sure enough, the whole group crossed their fingers tight. “You’ll kill it,” Tanya said, and Priscilla chimed in with, “Yeah, you’re going to do great. We’ll keep an eye out for what happens!”

“What’s going on tomorrow?” Ellie said, and I pursed my lips.

“It’s, uh… well, I think it’s kind of company secrets for right now? We’ll keep you all posted, though.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “Hey, uh… you guys. Can we go sit outside? I just wanted a minute alone with you all. You know, we’ve been through a lot, and it’s been a while, and—”

“Yeah, we should totally do that,” Rashmi said, eyes lighting up. “Oh, we can snap pics and everything.”

“Uh… yeah,” I said, with a little nervous laugh.

And turned out it was the perfect setting for some pics, anyway, because there were still some warm little traces of dusky sunlight on the horizon when we sat out on the back patio, empty right now with all the action happening inside. The view led one way right into the beautiful stonework and sprawling plants of Garden Square, and the other way towards the Empire Arch Bridge that spanned Parson River and led towards the financial district. With the cute little café tables scattered over the patio, too, it was perfect photography.

We took about a million selfies together with our ice cream, stories flying around between us all, and the whole time I just sat there with my pulse racing, heart pounding so hard I felt dizzy, until finally there was a lull. I squeezed my hands under the table, counted myself down from three, and when I hit zero, I only focused on making myself say, “Hey, you guys.”

“What’s up?” Ellie said, glancing over at me.

“Uh—I had something I wanted to tell you all, I think.” I kicked at the ground. “No, I mean—not I think. I know. Or… hold on, let me restart.”

Some of them laughed, but Ellie just put a hand on top of mine. “Hey, take your time, Cassie. We’re here for you.”

“I wanted to tell you all something, but it’s kind of, uh… a surprise from me, I think,” I said.

“You’re actually a world-famous, internationally-wanted master thief,” Sophie said.

“Um—no, but that would be pretty cool.” I cleared my throat. “Um—the thing is, so, like… I’m actually not really…” I shrugged, like I could just indecision the thought into reality. After a second of everyone staring at me, I hung my head. “Ugh. I’m gay. There it is. I’m gay, and—”

“Oh my god, are you serious?” Rashmi lunged in, slamming her hands down on the table, and I almost tipped my chair over backwards leaning back. “Are you for real?”

“Uh—yes?” I squeaked.

“I knew it,” she laughed, turning to Krystal. “You owe me twenty bucks!”

“What—were you betting on whether I was gay?” My head spun.

“Oh, Cassie,” Ellie said, eyes sparkling. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Hey, don’t give me that,” Sophie said, leaning across the table towards her. “You were one hundred percent Camp Straight Cassie—”

“There was a Camp Straight Cassie?” I said, looking between them, feeling lost.

“I said I wasn’t sure,” Ellie said.

“Are you and Parker a thing after all, then?” Priscilla said, at the same time Kate chimed in, “Oh, they’re so together.”

“Uh—you guys, I think you need to slow down,” I said, genuinely feeling dizzy.

“She’s not answering the question,” Rashmi said. “So a thing.”

“You guys,” Ellie laughed, waving them off. “You’re overwhelming her.”

“Yeah—yep, that,” I said.

“I so support you, Cassie,” Sophie said. “I’m so happy you told us.”

“I am seriously so happy,” Priscilla chimed in. “Here’s to Cassie!” she shouted, raising her milkshake, and the rest of the table joined in.

“And Parker,” Rashmi said, and the whole table exploded into laughter.

Slowly, though, it all settled down, leaving me sitting there with my head spinning. After a second, I just shook my head and said, “Wait—but—that’s it?”

“What’s it?” Ellie said, cocking her head.

“Just… you know.” I gestured. I didn’t even know what at. “That’s it? Just like that?”

“Oh, she’s right,” Rashmi said, suddenly on her phone again. “We’ve got to plan a party.”

“Are you with Parker, or not?” Priscilla said. “Because this would so explain why you’ve always avoided dating talk. We’re getting you a girlfriend.”

“No—no, no, no,” I said, waving my hands in front of my face. “I mean… like… you’re not mad?”

The table fell into one of those awkward silences where I just wanted a door to hide behind. There was one propped open on the side of the building, a supply closet, but hiding in the closet seemed a little too on-the-nose right now.

“Did you think we’d be mad about it?” Sophie said.

“Uh—I don’t know,” I said, my head fuzzy. “I just thought… you know… it’s not very me, you know? And I don’t want you all to think I was lying—”

“Uh, excuse me,” Rashmi said. “Half this table was so sure you were gay.”

“Cassie, you never needed to come out,” Ellie said, her hand on mine again. “You do it at whatever pace works for you. We’re not mad at you for hiding anything.”

Choruses of their voices joined in, and slowly, I just sank back in my seat with my head spinning.

“You guys,” I said, my voice straining now. “If I’d known it would be that easy, I would have done it ages ago.”

Ellie squeezed my hand again. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

I wondered if that was all there was to it. Like everything that already transpired was done, past, over with, and I was here now. Nothing to do but to look forward to the future. It was a comforting thought, especially if maybe that was a future where I could just be me—gayness and all.

“But, uh… hello,” Rashmi said, raising an eyebrow at me. “Parker?”

Krystal elbowed her. “Come on. Give the girl some space.”

“You’re just mad you owe me,” Rashmi said.

“Parker and I…” I looked down, kicking at the pavers underfoot. “I mean, we’re really close.”

“Ooh, she’s dodging the question,” Sophie sang.

“Ugh. Come on. It’s complicated,” I mumbled, hanging my head and hiding my face as best I could. I must have been candy-red by now. “That’s not important.”

“Girl, you’re one of our best friends, and we’re wondering if you’ve had some secret girlfriend in your back pocket all this time,” Rashmi said.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I mumbled.

“But you want her to be,” Sophie chimed in.

“Sophie. Rashmi,” Ellie said, hands up. “Come on, you guys. Give her space.”

“Yeah, I mean… I like her,” I mumbled, so quietly I could barely hear myself, but the table just about exploded with noise and chatter.

“Oh my god—”

“Cassie, she so likes you—”

“You’ve got to ask her out—”

“But—it’s not like that—” I said, but it was kind of hard to get a word in when the table was like this. Calling this unexpected would have been—well, an understatement—

“Look, we’ve all seen your stuff,” Rashmi said, putting her hands up. “We’ve seen the way you two look at each other. I think she likes you.”

I sighed, looking down. “Yeah… maybe,” I said. “I’ll, um… keep you posted on how things go.”

“Yes,” about four people cheered at the same time. Ellie laughed. “Can’t wait for you to bring her around as your girlfriend, Cassie.”

I’d swear I was dreaming. I chewed my lip. “That’d, uh… that’d be nice. Thank you. All of you, I mean, just—yeah. I was, you know… really scared of saying this.”

The table was quiet for a second before Ellie asked, “Are you going to announce it on your page, do you think?”

“Oh—no way,” I said, shaking my head so hard it hurt. “Maybe if things were more stable with Express… and Parker… and all of that, but they’re all riding a lot on my brand right now, and—you know—I can’t afford to jeopardize that.”

Sophie slammed her hands down on the table, and she was normally a soft little bunny of a person, so seeing anything sudden from her was like watching a kitten snap and start mauling somebody. “No one is allowed to be homophobic to Cassie.”

“Isn’t it lesbophobic?” Krystal said.

“Is she even a lesbian?” Rashmi looked back at me, and I put a hand up.

“Okay, okay, okay. Uh… first off, yes, I’m a lesbian. Second off, I’m pretty sure lesbophobia as a term refers to discrimination specific to lesbianism, and not just general homophobia against lesbians. Wow, saying that word feels weird.” I scratched my head. “Lesbian. Yeah. I’ll have to get used to it. And, uh… third off, I think people will still be homophobic even if you don’t give them permission.”

“It’s the twenty-first century, Cassie, people are cool with it,” Krystal said, and to my relief, it was Ellie who shot her a look.

“It’s really not that simple,” she said, before turning back to me. “Yeah. I get it. There’s no pressure. It can be a lot. But whenever you decide you’re ready, you’ve got all of us on your side. If anyone gets weird about it, then we’ll give them hell.”

“The world isn’t ready for us,” Rashmi said, pulling up her phone again. “Come on, let’s take a shot together to celebrate.”

And yet—I wondered, as I posed with everyone else for photos, that strange feeling swirling around me like it wasn’t real, like I was watching it happen to somebody else. Just watching this girl, this lesbian named Cassie, take pictures with all her friends who were just there for her—and even if they didn’t have all the details quite right, they wanted to support her—

What would happen if I came out? Just—publicly. On my page, to all my friends, everywhere.

Sure, some people would probably get pissed off. There had been people being weird about it when Parker came out. Some comments about me being careful sleeping in the same apartment as her. The other commenters all jumped on them. By and large, people were good about Parker and just really happy for her. Maybe it was okay if those some-people hated me for it.

What power would Gary have then? If I outed myself, and maybe even…

It kept my thoughts swirling the whole time until we got back inside, the mood about bursting with laughter and smiles, the other girls still passing me little comments about Parker. Somehow, I’d gotten accustomed so quickly to the idea of them knowing that when Krystal tried to give me advice on how to approach Parker, I gave her a look and said, “What do you know, exactly, about picking up girls?”

And that was kind of it for me—I was a lesbian, talking to my friends about picking up girls. And they were all cool with it.

I was practically ready to burst with excitement, heading back to where I’d left Parker, waving to the other girls as I weaved through the crowds. I told them—told all the other girls—I think I can actually—

But I stopped when I came face-to-face with the table, and Parker was gone. I looked around—no sign of her. Checking my phone didn’t get me any messages from her, either. She wasn’t at the counter.

It was while I was standing there looking lost that I heard a voice from behind me saying, “Oh—Cassie,” and I whirled around to where Athena jumped back. “Shit, don’t kick me.”

“Uh—what?”

“No, nothing. Don’t worry about it. Bad memories.” Athena stood there in a button-down and suspenders, worry in her eyes as she met mine. “I was wondering where you went. Are you looking for Parker?”

That tone, that look in her eyes, and Parker’s sudden disappearance—she always let me know when she was going somewhere, where, and when she’d be back—it painted a picture I didn’t like. “Yeah,” I said.

“She left, earlier,” she said. “Maybe ten minutes ago? She saw something on her phone and looked like she was about to pass out, and she about ran from here.”

My stomach dropped, all the fuzzy feelings and flying feelings vanishing as swiftly as a screen going dark. “Oh, no. Did she say what about?”

She shook her head. “Do you want me to cover this event for you to go track her down?”

I swallowed, hard. “Would you do that?”

“Yeah, Jen found some friends here to be snobbish with, so she’ll be happy here all night long. And there’s ice cream, so I’m happy. Go get your girl.”

My heart swooped, but it wasn’t the time for that. “Thank you,” I said, throat tight. “Thank you so much. I’ll—yeah. I’ll text you. Thank you,” I said, pushing through the crowds for the door, my head spinning.

There was no way she’d just run without telling me when something was wrong. Unless it was so awful, she thought that she…

I made it out onto the street, and I ran for it, footsteps ringing through the hum of a busy Port Andrea street and upwards into the deepening night.