30. Pete

30

PETE

A blood curdling scream sends me flying out of bed, any trace of sleep fucking gone as I take a defensive stance and start looking for the fucker who caused that heart stopping sound.

But there’s no one.

No one other than the rest of the guys, all of them doing the same damn thing as they each search the bedroom for some would-be assailant, all four of us confused as fuck.

I feel like I’m going to have a goddamn heart attack.

My adrenaline spiked so high, so fast, I’m not sure if…

Another terrifying scream has my eyes darting to the bed, our girl thrashing around, her naked body tangled in the sheets while she cries in her sleep.

We all move toward her as Leo moans and whimpers, her head rolling side to side as she kicks her legs.

I look at Lucky, his gray eyes wide and full of tears because that sweet man knows exactly what Leonor is seeing and there’s not one goddamn thing any of us can do to stop it.

Trying would only make it worse.

Waking Leo from a nightmare like that, one where she’s clearly reliving the day none of us want to even remember, it could be devastating.

“I can’t watch this shit,” Mark grunts through clenched teeth. “Not when we can stop it this time.”

Luck reaches out, barring his chest and stopping him from going to her. “We can’t.”

“Like hell we can’t.”

But Markus doesn’t move.

He knows, we all do, the amount of therapy between us is enough for multiple lifetimes and waking someone up from something so horrific really could do more harm than good.

Doesn’t mean we have to fucking like it.

And we fucking don’t.

Not Mark as he grabs onto Lucky’s forearm to both ground him and keep him in place, not Norm as he slips his hand into mine and squeezes so goddamn tight he could break a finger. Lucius definitely doesn’t while the tears start streaming down his face, and I’m ready to lose my fucking mind, all of us staring at our girl, totally helpless and unable to save her once again.

Until Leonor screams a third time, her body jolting upright as she grabs at her throat, her legs propelling her back into the headboard so hard the painting—one of hers—shakes and starts to fall off the wall.

We all move then.

Each of us lunges toward the bed, Luck and I catching the painting seconds before it comes down on top of Leo, Norm and Mark sliding her back down the mattress just in case we can’t.

Our girl keeps fighting.

Screaming for help, sobbing and crying, her breathing so irregular she might fucking hyperventilate in her sleep, which is enough to have me going against anything I’ve ever heard a doc say.

I get on the bed behind Leonor and put her in a bear hug, barking orders at the guys to do something similar because she needs it. She needs the pressure and reassurance our presence brings, the tightness of our grip to bring her back and keep her from hurting herself in the process.

True to her nature, even in her sleep, Leo fights us.

She fights against our hold hard, kicking and thrashing, arching her back and trying to get free. And she does it right up until her eyes flip open, wide and terrified cobalt swimming in tears as a strangled No! spills from her lips.

Then she goes limp.

“We got you, princess,” I whisper as I press a kiss to her hair. “We got you.”

Norm and Luck each take one of her hands and place them over their hearts as I slowly loosen my grip, gently rocking her while Mark softly rubs her shins and calves.

Each of us try to soothe her with our words, with our touch, and our love and while it works, as Leo’s breathing starts to level out and she seemingly leaves the nightmare, I can’t help but focus on the thundering of my goddamn heart.

That felt like losing her all over again.

“I’m sorry,” Leonor whispers after what seems like a fucking eternity. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean, I just…” A sob wracks her body as she exhales roughly, shaking her head against my shoulder.

She doesn’t move, though.

Doesn’t tell us to fuck off, to leave her alone. Leo doesn’t let the embarrassment or intense feelings of fear push us away but I know her better than that. We all do, and it’s a matter of time, probably seconds before those emotions take over and this turns into the battle I’ve been waiting to fight since we got her back.

“I still have them, too,” Lucky says as he scoots closer, leaning down to press his forehead to hers. “Not as often as I used to but I still have them.”

Norm gently pulls Leonor’s hair out of her face as he and Mark nod, as I kiss her head again for what might be the last time. Not forever but for a while because I know this is about to get real messy real quick.

“I am so selfish.” Another sob moves through Leo and she starts shaking her head. “I am so goddamn selfish, and I don’t deserve any of you.” Here we go. “Let go of me.”

I tighten my hold and grunt, “Not unless you promise you’re not going to bolt.”

“Let me go, Peter.”

“Not happening, Leo. Not unless you say those fucking words.”

She snatches her hands from Luck and Norm, kicks Markus off of her legs then she uses every ounce of strength she has to twist around in my arms before shoving me. “Fuck you.”

“Later if you’re lucky,” I grunt as she shoves me again. “But only after we punish you for acting like a bitch right now.”

Leonor shoves me one more time, using her knees for leverage and because I don’t want to hurt her and this is getting tricky as hell, I lose my grip and let her go.

“You are all out of your goddamn minds,” she shouts through her tears. “I’ve been nothing but a selfish piece of shit, thinking of nothing but me and my bullshit since you showed up at my place, and I can’t help but think you’re all fucking crazy, or just a bunch of stupid boys thinking with your dicks.”

Norm flinches as Leo starts looking for clothes, but the rest of us, we’re getting pissed.

I can see it in the way Luck narrows his eyes, the way the muscle in Mark’s jaw ticks, and I feel it pushing up from my gut and begging for an outlet.

“That has to be it.” Leonor lets out a hollow laugh as she pulls on someone’s t-shirt, quickly grabbing a random pair of shorts. She roughly wipes her eyes with the heels of her hands, not looking at any of us while she throws her barbs. “Been so fucking long since any of you got any pussy and the minute mine became fair game.” She looks up briefly, giving us a sarcastic smile. “Why not take turns, right?”

And that fucking does it for me.

She got pissed when she thought we were going to downplay our relationship because we were upset and now she’s doing the same fucking thing.

I hop out of bed and start searching for sweats, occupying myself briefly so I don’t say something I’m going to regret. No, I definitely don’t have any regrets when I pull on the cotton, look Leo right in the eye and say, “Fuck that line of thinking right in the ass with a goddamn two by four, Leonor.”

“What did you say?”

“You heard him,” Mark grunts as he pulls on his shorts. “You acting like everything that’s happened over the last few months is driven by some primitive urge to fuck instead of the love we all have for each other is fucking bullshit and?—”

“Oh my god, really?” Leo laughs while she starts to pace. “Coming from you, that’s real grand.”

Lucky hops toward her as he pulls his pants up, that permanent sneer more intense from how angry he is. “Get off your fucking cross, Leonor. You don’t get to be the only one who’s carrying around guilt and trauma, the only one throwing themselves fucking pity parties because you feel unworthy of what we’ve always had.”

I nod and point at the one person who has just as much of a right to say that as the rest of us, more so since he went through it right alongside Leo. “He’s fucking spot on, princess.”

Leo stops dead in her tracks. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“You fucking heard me,” I grunt without breaking her stare. “We all carry around baggage from that night but the only goddamn thing any of us would do differently is stay with your ornery ass the second the show ended instead of letting you go backstage alone.”

“Don’t be a fucking martyr, Leo,” Norman says as he joins the misdirected anger club . “Don’t you dare act like you were some puppeteer pulling our strings for well over a decade, that this was all some one sided fog we’ve been wandering around in. You can be selfish with shit like this and it’s ok, it’s normal to put your happiness first, especially when we’re all doing it but don’t use it as a weapon because you can’t handle the goddamn feelings.”

“Oh fuck off, all of you.” Leo starts for the door in nothing but that T-shirt and we all practically trip over ourselves to cut her off.

Lucky grabs her around the waist and marches toward the bed, tossing her in the middle of it before pointing a long tattooed finger at her. “You fuck off. You fuck right the fuck off, Leonor. I know how fucked up that night was, I know what you went through, I was fucking there.” She rolls toward the other side of the bed and tries to get past Norm and Mark, bobbing and weaving like a fucking boxer. “In case you’ve forgotten, I walked in on that bloodbath. I fucking watched that bastard try to take you from me, from us. I relived those moments over and over for months long after you disappeared.”

Jesus, Luck is pissed.

We all are, sure, but this is a long fucking time coming and not just for our healing process as a band or family, it’s beyond needed for Lucius to fully heal because he was there.

“Lucky,” I say as I get in front of him, lifting my hands to his chest because I can see his blood pressure rise. “Baby, take a breath.”

He points to his scar as he leans over my shoulder, Leonor staring back at him from somewhere behind me, I’m sure. “This doesn’t mean a damn thing in the grand scheme because if I didn’t have it you wouldn’t fucking be here.” He pokes me in the chest before pointing to Mark and Norm. “The boys, our fucking boys wear their fucking rap sheets like a fucking cape, the term murderer is like a goddamn crown. You know why?”

I glance at Leo over my shoulder in time to see her blink rapidly and turn away, stepping away from everyone, and that has me concerned.

She’s going to bolt.

We’re going at her hard, forcing her to deal with stuff she might not have been ready to deal with, with us or at all, and this could be the moment we lose her.

I turn to face her while still holding Luck back.

“Because if they hadn’t killed that motherfucker, you wouldn’t be here .”

Mark scrubs a hand over his face and beard before parking both on his hips. “We knew it was going to be hard, knew it was going to be a long ass road to travel down but when you shut us out... Christ, Leonor, that almost destroyed what little of us there was left.”

“If you don’t think for one minute that the four of us don’t somehow blame ourselves for what happened to you, that we don’t carry around a fuckton of baggage and guilt, don’t suffer the same fucking nightmares then you’re the stupid one.” Norm shakes his head and swipes at a tear. “We know you better than you fucking think, Leo, how you operate. We know you blame yourself for the way our lives changed, all the shit we went through and whatever you think Franc De la Grange has on you, whatever the hell he convinced you of; you can’t use any of that to keep us away. Not after we’re finally living life the way we should have all along.”

She shakes her head and backs up to the French doors that lead out to Justine’s backyard. “You can’t still feel that way, not after what you just saw.”

Lifting my hands and moving toward her slowly, I drop the bite to my tone and try to be the one to calm her down since the rest of the guys are steaming. “ Nothing is going to change how we feel about you, Leonor.”

“You don’t know everything, you can’t say that. I’m still keeping things from you, still lying and hiding.”

“We know enough, princess.” She shakes her head at me but I nod and take another step toward her. “The nightmares and night terrors. The panic attacks.”

Leo shakes her head. “Stop.”

“The insomnia. We know about the blackouts and paranoia.”

“Stop it, please.”

“We know everything that happened to you because we still talked to Justine every fucking day.” I can feel her slipping away from us, I can practically see it happening but if I can just make her understand that we have loved her every second we were apart, through every bit of her pain, maybe she won’t go. “We know about the addiction, the suicide attempts, hospital stays and rehab.”

“Please, Pete, stop.”

Standing right in front of her, I lower my hands and hesitate to reach for hers. “None of that changed how we feel about you because nothing can do that. Especially a bunch of bullshit that happened to you , not because of you, that was so far out of anyone’s control it couldn’t have been stopped.”

“I don’t understand why any of you want me,” Leo whispers, looking down at her feet. “I’m so fucking broken…” She shakes her head, crossing her arms against her chest. “It’s not just that, there’s so much… that night wasn’t the only time I’ve been in a life or death situation, and I’ve lied to you for so long about it I started to believe it. I believed my own bullshit so I didn’t have to deal with the reality of what my life actually was before I met you and while I know Justine told you what I shared a little while ago, I just… I’m a coward and I don’t deserve the life I convinced myself I could have years ago, or the one I desperately want to believe could be mine now.”

“It’s ok to be scared, princess,” I say as my heart starts beating wildly in my chest. “We’ve all been fucking scared but the most important thing is remembering we were all able to walk away from that night, and we can be together now in spite?—”

“Of what?” She snaps. “In spite of that sociopath hacking me to pieces? Lucky walking in on that and nearly getting himself killed? The three of you ruining your lives for a piece of shit like me?”

Mark clenches his jaw and stares Leo down. “Stop saying that.”

Leonor raises her hands in defeat but laughs again, the sarcastic empty one that means she’s about to get nasty again. “Fine, fine. You got it, Markus. All of that aside, and I’m still a piece of shit. You know why?”

Leo looks each of us in the eye, taking one step back toward the doors. She pulls on the shorts, reaches toward the dresser to grab her phone, then almost seems to hesitate before dropping what’s going to be a bomb on us.

Almost.

“My biological father hated me so much that after he killed my mother, he left me for dead, covered in her blood and screaming in my crib. I wasn’t even two years old and that’s the first memory I have, clear as fucking day, my mother’s rotting body laying close enough for me to touch through the bars.” Leo aggressively wipes her eyes as her hands start to shake. “Things didn’t get any better from there, either. Foster care was basically a cover for some sex trafficking bullshit, everyone within the Parish I grew up in keeping it hushed so they could make money. My siblings—you’re shocked right, finding that out? Well, my brother, sister, and I were put in the system together but by the time I was eight, we were separated and I figured they were both dead. And you know what? I fucking envied them for that because I would have rather died than have grown ass fucking men take advantage of me until I grew the balls to fight back.”

Lucky clears his throat from behind me, the sadness he’s feeling rolling off of him in waves. “Leo, baby, you don’t have to keep?—”

“See? Piece of shit, right? Unwanted, abused, fucking tainted. ”

“Leonor,” Norm says as he sways on his feet. “You really?—”

“Wait. Wait, wait. Here’s the best part.” She gives us the most evil, most hollow smile I’ve ever seen grace her beautiful face, and that’s how I know this is it. “When Hastings was killing me, stabbing me over and over, raping me because it was the only way he’d ever have me, he fucked me up so badly that even if I could get past all that baggage and trauma, and just be with the four of you the way I want to, it wouldn’t work.”

“Leo, please, calm down and lets—” Mark says but she cuts him off.

“I can’t have kids. He ruined that, ruined me, and because I know the four of you better than you know yourselves, that’s a fucking deal breaker. Each of you want so badly to be a father for one reason or another, and you will be amazing when you get there.” She reaches behind her and grabs the handle of the door, all of us too fucking shocked to even move. “But it won’t be with me. That is what Franc knows, and he was right when he came to me three years ago. I’m a curse, I ruin everything I touch, but I can’t keep doing that to you, I love you too much.”

Then she’s fucking gone.

Running out the door and through the yard, sobbing her way to where, I don’t fucking know.

And because this wasn’t how any of us expected things to go after the five of us finally got together, we just stand there in stunned silence.

Our girl is gone.

And we may never get her back after all that.