15. Leonor

15

LEONOR

I smile my entire way down the stairs, making a quick detour to the fridge to grab a few beers before I answer the door.

The banging starts up again and I shake my head. Those guys used to have keys but I’m wondering if maybe they don’t carry them anymore after three years of feeling unwelcome.

I need to change that, and hopefully I already got a jump on it.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I shout as I shift the bottles to one hand. “Chill the fuck…” I open the door and my pulse skyrockets when I don’t find the two adorable drunks I was expecting.

Francesco De la Grange is standing at my door, at one thirty in the morning, looking so pissed off that I’d bet if I were a guy, he’d fucking punch me without thinking twice. Hell, he might regardless of gender.

“Wh-what are you d-doing here, Franc?”

The last time I saw Detective De la Grange was just after I came out of my coma. He came to the hospital to get my statement, to ask what I could remember about my attack so they had everything straight. At first, I thought he was kind, understanding, he listened attentively and didn’t pressure me even while he explained how crucial it was that I tell him everything I remembered.

Which at first was nothing, but once I did, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Those details, they’re things I never wanted to say out loud let alone to a strange man and definitely not when I was alone, in pain, and terrified in my hospital room.

Refusing to talk about every little thing was his switch though because that’s when he turned off the nice guy act. He started pressuring me, pushing harder and harder, saying it was bigger than just me. Franc was the one who told me about the extent of Lucky’s injuries, the one who told me the boys were facing serious time for what they did. After two weeks I finally gave him the best account of what happened that I could, writing it all down because the words were way too hard to actually say.

He didn’t thank me for reliving the single worst night of my life. He didn’t offer condolences for the death of my spirit, for the obliteration of my heart or the destruction of my soul. He didn’t even give so much as a sorry about your luck when he read about how I was raped while that asshole slit my throat. No, Franc De la Grange took the opportunity to rip me a new asshole, kick ‘em when they’re already down so to speak.

“This is it?” He asked after finishing the page and a half horror story I wrote.

“I-I told you, I c-can’t remember every detail. I t-tried, I really did.” I wished so bad I could just disappear.

“If you remember anything else, you call me right away. This may not be enough to save them.” He tossed his card on the bed at my feet. “You should be grateful we have Lucius’ statement and testimony.” Franc watched me look away as I tried to hide my tears, disgust painted on what would have been a handsome face. “Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. I promised Lucius I was going to keep it professional but now that my job with you is done, I’ve got a few things to say.”

The tears started to run freely down my face as I looked at him with wide eyes. Terror gripped my chest, the monitors I was hooked up to clearly reflecting that. Detective De la Grange narrowed his dark brown eyes, his tone became even and quiet as he continued in Italian.

“I know you can understand me but I still want to make myself very clear. If you ever come near my brother or those boys again, I will make it my personal mission to make you regret it. Ever since you came into Lucius’ life he hasn’t been the same person. You made him believe that this pipe dream, this music bullshit was something more than a hobby. He has been less involved with the family, he threw away his potential career just so he could become a starving musician. Lucius has wasted all of his time and energy on something that is going nowhere. He’s wasted all of his time on some orphaned, tainted, unwanted and discarded bitch with no past and no future.

And now, because of you, he has lost all hope of having his own family some day. He is forever scarred, mutilated and broken because of what happened. He’ll never be able to hold down a real job. He’ll never find love or make our parents truly proud of him. Because of you Markus, Peter and Norman are killers. They will never be able to escape the stigma that comes with that. You have been nothing but trouble since day one and now the curse of Leonor Allan will be carried by those four until the day they die. I hope you live in agony, the most unrelenting and brutal pain knowing that you have destroyed them. Do not, I repeat, do not ever let me find out you tried to contact any of them because if I do, you will be sorry.”

Then he left me alone with his words as the nurses came in to check on me, my monitors going ballistic after his little speech.

I’ve never told a single person about our conversation that day, and it’s part of why I stayed away for so long.

I believed his words.

I convinced myself that I was a curse, that I ruined everything I touched, and I knew that if I didn’t listen to him he would make me pay. So instead, I made myself suffer, the only reassurance I had was knowing my boys would be better for it.

That was the last time I saw Franc De la Grange, until right now.

“I need to talk to my brother,” he sneers, his words dripping with hate as he spits them at me.

“He’s... h-he’s...” I squeeze the beer bottles in my hand tight, trying to hide how much I’m shaking but my throat starts to close and I can’t get any more words out.

“You guys really know how to kill the mood.” Lucky chuckles as he heads down the stairs.

Franc pushes past me and forces his way into my loft as he follows Lucky’s voice, my body moving with the momentum before my back hits the wall.

“I mean, if you took a cab here you could have easily…” He stops short as his eyes land on his brother standing in my living room. “What the fuck is this?”

Franc practically starts fuming as he sees Lucky standing there in nothing but a pair of gray sweats, his wet hair sticking in all directions, his bare feet padding toward him. He shoots me a look that has me shrinking in the corner as I hide behind the door, wrapping my arms around myself for some kind of support, and the fury in his eyes only grows when Pete appears on the staircase.

“What are you doing here, Franc?” Lucky asks as he straightens into a more rigid posture, puffing his chest out while he scowls and crosses his arms against it.

“I ran into the boys downtown.” Franc shoots me another glare. “They were celebrating pretty hard and we got to talking. I told them I hadn’t been able to get a hold of you and they clued me in as to why.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“We have some business to discuss, Lucius.”

Pete checks his imaginary watch as he comes to stand next to Lucky. “At almost two in the morning? Couldn’t this wait until tomorrow?”

“No. And when I found out where you were I didn’t think I should waste any more time.” Franc is so pissed off, so angry that his energy is suffocating. It’s consuming and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last.

Lucky looks my way, his body tensing as he sees me basically cowering in the corner and frozen with fear but his eyes soften after a beat. “Why don’t you take those beers upstairs, cakes. We’ll be back up in a few minutes.”

My eyes dart toward Pete, who nods in agreement, then do as he suggests, Franc’s threat from years ago running through my head.

I try to slink by all of them but Lucky catches my elbow and I jump sky high, the beer bottles in my hands clanking loudly as I almost drop one. He runs his thumb back and forth over my skin and gives me a warm smile, no doubt trying to comfort me in whatever it is I’m feeling but I just nod and pull my arm away.

The grief of my impending loss is already trying to weasel its way into my chest, twisting and turning into a tight knot sitting in the pit of my stomach.

After slamming my beer, I start pacing in front of my bathroom, listening to the low rumble of their voices, the occasional crescendo as they argue in Italian, the even louder pitch when Pete tells them to knock it off so he can follow what they’re talking about.

This far away from them I can’t make out everything they’re saying, but I definitely heard Franc call me a deceitful whore at least twice, so it’s going about as well as I’d expect.

And my mind is absolutely racing.

I can’t lose them again.

I just got them back and now Franc is going to take them from me, he’s going to take all of them away from me.

This cannot be happening.

I’m in love.

I have my family back.

I’m not living in a state of complete fear, my nightmares have decreased, I’ve had less panic attacks and they haven’t reached full blown status in a while. My life has done a complete one eighty in such a short amount of time, and now Franc is going to blow it wide open, leaving nothing but that festering wound that won’t ever heal.

I down the beer that was meant for Lucky or Pete as that little voice that’s been silent finally starts talking.

Who am I kidding?

Lucky doesn’t love me.

Neither of them do.

Maybe they did at one point but not now.

They love the music, love what we used to be, and that’s why Mark and Norm are around too, but none of them truly love me.

How could they?

I’m everything Franc says I am.

I’m worse.

I’m unwanted.

I’ve been used, abused, and thrown away.

I’m tainted and ruined.

It’s only a matter of time before I have a full blown panic attack or black out. What would Lucky and Pete, Norm and Mark think then? Or when I do something wrong with my meds or diet and have another diabetic seizure? What happens when my problems become too much and they don’t want to deal with it anymore?

Franc is right.

I am a curse, and I will destroy them the same way I destroyed myself.

Oh god , Franc is probably telling them everything.

He knows what’s in my medical records, hell, he knows what’s in my legal ones, too.

Franc knows everything I don’t want Lucky or the boys to find out, everything I’ve spent years trying to hide. He’ll tell them everything and there won’t be any coming back from it this time.

Lightheaded and careening toward a complete nervous breakdown, I head to my pill box in the bathroom. I pop open the spot that has my anxiety meds in it and take out two doses before washing them down with my beer.

Probably not a good choice but if it fucks me up a little I’ll handle Pete and Lucky’s rejection somewhat easier.

I grab my phone from the nightstand and glance at all of the boys’s things scattered around my room.

At least they have a reason to come back up here. Maybe they’ll each let me kiss them one last time as they pack their shit.

Doubtful .

Sinking onto my side of the bed I open the thread of messages between Justine and I before sending her my last coherent one of the night.

Just checking in. I love you.

2:31 in the morning.

I should make note of the time in my journal, the exact minute what’s left of my bruised heart breaks. It’ll be a great reminder to continue my spiral if I ever get hopeful again.

Tossing my phone on the floor, I crawl into my unmade bed, my bed that smells like Lucky and Pete, and bury my face in the pillows. I tuck my knees up against my chest and stop fighting the tears that have been threatening to break free since Franc showed up, crying as quietly as I can because there is no stopping it.

When I hear the door open, close, then lock before all the lights go off downstairs, I roll to my side so I’m facing away from the doorway. I can’t bear the look that will no doubt be on both of their faces.

“Sorry, cakes, we...” Lucky trails off and sets down what sounds like no less than four beers and a bag of chips on the nightstand. “Leo? Leonor, I know you’re awake.”

He walks around the end of the bed and appears in my line of sight as a heavy weight dips on the mattress behind me. Still in his sweats, shirtless, barefoot and drinking, Lucky crouches in front of me and gives me a soft smile.

At least he’s not leaving yet.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Lucky smooths my hair out of my eyes and frowns once he sees tears. “Leo, what is it?”

I shake my head and try not to completely lose my shit, but then he leans forward and kisses next to each of my eyes before kissing my lips sweetly while Pete wraps himself around me and buries his face in my hair.

“Talk to us, Leo.”

“You can’t love me, Lucky, no one can.”

He brushes his thumbs under my eyes. “I don’t understand, baby, you need to give me more than that.”

“That’s just it.” I stop his hands and scoot away from Pete, sitting up to pull my knees back up to my chest. “I can’t give you more than that. I can’t give you what you deserve. You can’t love me.”

Lucky’s stormy gray eyes search my face, his brows furrowing to form a crease between them.

What I wouldn’t give to smooth away that line, to make him smile at me the way he was before even if it’s the last time.

And when I take a chance and look at Pete, an almost identical look on his handsome face, that knot in my gut tightens before dropping to my knees.

“What are you talking about? Princess, we don’t understand.”

“Franc is going to make you leave me. He hates me and because of him, you’ll leave...” I blurt then sniffle hard and try not to blow snot all over myself while I sound desperate and insane. “Franc knows things, and he hates me, and he’ll tell you those things so you don’t want to be with me.” I watch my tears fall to my knees as I avoid looking at them. “And he’s right, Lucky. You should leave me. You never should have come back.”

I turn my head, resting my cheek against my arm as I hug my knees tighter.

Why did I let them in? Why didn’t I just continue to shut them out? Why didn’t I push them away when they showed up here? It would have been better for all of us.

Ok, maybe not for me , but it would be better for my boys.

“Leo, look at me.”

I shake my head and shut my eyes tight. I can’t look at him, I can’t look at either of them. I want to remember the way they looked a little while ago, blissed out, happy, high on life. Not how either of them will look now; disgusted and angry that they said what they said, that they touched me in any way let alone... I can’t have that be my last memory of the men I love.

“Damnit Leo, will you look at me, please? I want your eyes on me when I say what I have to say.”

Slowly, I turn and my gaze connects with Lucky’s.

He reaches out, gently lifting my head before he grabs the sides of my neck and holds firmly, his thumbs making sure I can’t look away. “You do not get to tell me who I can and cannot love. I’ve fought my entire life against that, and when I fell in with the four of you, I didn’t have to anymore because you made me realize I would never have to fight that battle again with you in my corner.”

A big fat tear rolls down my cheek and splashes off his beautiful hand, but Lucky doesn’t slow down or skip a beat. “Franc doesn’t get to dictate a damn thing in my life. He’s tried, for damn near thirty-six years he’s tried but never once has he succeeded, and right now is no different.”

I feel Pete scoot me forward some before he slides behind me, wrapping me up in his arms again as he drops his mouth next to my ear. “Francesco is a douche canoe, princess, and you know that. This isn’t some isolated incident, he’s never liked you and as soon as Luck and I changed our relationship to what it always should have been, he all but hated me, too. This is who he is and he’s never going to change, just like we’re never going to stop protecting you from how much of an asshat he can be. That won’t change either.”

“Exactly.” Lucky nods. “And not one person, event or situation gets to decide on whether or not I stay with the woman I’m in love with.” His grip on my neck tightens slightly. “I don’t care what Franc knows or doesn’t know, what you’ve told me or haven’t told me yet. I love you, Leonor, and I intend to do that for the rest of my life.”

“We both do,” Pete grunts and I start crying harder.

So hard I have to grab onto Lucky’s wrists like these two are my only anchors to earth. “I can’t lose you again, Lucky, I can’t go through any of that and Franc is?—"

“You are not going to lose me. You’re not going to lose Pete, or Norm and Mark. You’re not losing shit, baby cakes. Not now, not ever.”

“But there are things you still don’t know, things that will make you?—"

“You can tell us everything when you’re ready, or never tell us at all, it will not matter . I want you, Leo. I love you, I want to be with you, and I’m not going anywhere unless you make me go.”

“Me either, and we both know you can’t make me do shit.” Pete presses a kiss to my neck with a smile I can feel.

I chew my lip and move my hands to cover Lucky’s as I settle against Pete a little. “I don’t deserve you.”

Lucky smiles the smile I love so much, the one I didn’t think I’d ever see again. “You deserve the moon if you want it, Leonor, and you have four very attractive assholes who plan to give it to you.” He leans forward and kisses me softly. “You and me, Leo, this is forever. You, me, the five of us? It’s for always. Got it?”

I just nod and sigh because my anxiety meds are kicking in, and I don’t have enough fight left in me to keep going round and round with them.

I’ll let it go for now, because this shit will all come roaring back when I’m not doped up. I can focus and freak out then.

Instead, I’ll just soak up every minute I have left with Lucky and Pete until they find out what I’m hiding then eventually leave anyway. I’ll be in the moment until the hammer comes down and smashes my warped version of reality to pieces.

“I want to hear you say it, Leo. Tell me you know that. Tell me you know I love you, I’m not leaving, and we are forever.”

I swallow hard as I look him in the eye. “I know.”

Lucky looks at my face a little longer, then he nods and gives me a firm kiss before resting his forehead against mine while Pete burrows into my hair again.

“The boys aren’t coming back tonight, are they?” I ask, trying to change the subject, if only to get my mind off my fear because I almost wish Norm and Mark were coming over.

Lucky chuckles. “Sorry, Franc put them in a cab and sent them to our place. Which is why he was so pissed when our man came strolling down the stairs.” He stands and looks at the bed, frowning at the rumpled mess before he starts making the bed around me, sliding me when he needs to, huffing at our man when he won’t move. “Apparently they were pretty hammered when he ran into them, raving about you and the fact that we got you to play with us, so Franc missed that little detail.”

“Franc said that? That they were raving about me?”

Lucky stops and shakes his head. “Well, no, but Franc said they wouldn’t shut up about you, and that’s pretty much the same thing translated from asshole to decent human . I guess when Mark blurted out that I was here with you, most likely getting busy he put them in a cab and came straight over. Remind me to punch Mark next time we see him.”

“I’m sorry, Lucky. I don’t mean to cause issues between you and your family.” I start picking at my fingers as I lean further into Pete.

I really am sorry but I know I didn’t start anything, I’ve just been fueling what was already a raging inferno for as long as I’ve been around.

“There have been issues there longer than I’ve known you, you know that. Issues that have nothing to do with you or the band.”

Called it.

“ Franc is a pompous jackass who thinks he knows what’s best for everyone.” Lucky angrily fluffs a pillow and tosses it down on the bed and I can’t help but smile when Pete starts chuckling. “I learned a long time ago that Franc and I are very different people, and we will never see eye to eye on anything. He will always try to be my big brother, and he will always fail miserably at it.”

Then Lucky smiles at me like I’m his entire world, and I believe him. I believe him with my whole heart and for the first time since Franc left, I feel a little at ease.

Lucky climbs into bed next to me and Pete, immediately pulling me to him and tugging me close, curving his body around mine as he watches Pete do the same on the other side of me. The rise and fall of their chests helps soothe me, and as I get sleepier, I just listen to them breathe.

“ Je t’aime, mon douce , Leonor. Tu es mon coeur .” Lucky whispers against my neck before placing a kiss there. “ Je t’aime. ”

And those are the last words I hear before I drift off to sleep.