12. Leonor

12

LEONOR

“ S o, you have to do that every time you eat?” Mark asks from across the island in my kitchen.

I nod as I swallow down my enzyme pill.

This isn’t something I normally do in front of an audience but it’s fine. Especially because I want them here as much as possible, and sometimes I’m a dumbass and forget to take care of myself.

Which is a great bonus feature, the PTSD memory loss on top of all the other shit wrong with me.

“Since you guys are going to be around, I need to be real with you about some stuff.”

Lucky’s eyes flash as he shoots Pete and Norm a look, and I know right away it means he already knows some of what I’m going to tell them, and probably some other things I have no intention to spill.

He’s the one person I’m sure Justine has shared every one of my fuck-ups and roadblocks with, solely because he forced her to, so basically Lucky is going to mother me to death.

Who am I kidding? These guys are all going to be super intense with staying on top of me, they were before and have more reason to now. And I won’t lie, I like the idea of them being my protectors again. Hell, I like it even more now because they aren’t going to cockblock me anymore. Not that I need to be thinking about that…

I grin a little as I go into the cupboard under the island and pull out my small pharmacy, and when I start setting shit on the counter, all four of them go wide eyed and I laugh.

“As much as I want to know why you have all that,” Pete says as he motions to the multiple pill bottles while I go back in for my insulin and meter. “Can you explain one thing first?”

“Depends on what it is.” I arch a brow and keep that intense eye contact he likes so much. Wow, I forgot how pretty Pete’s eyes are.

“Smart ass.” Lucky chuckles, successfully pulling me away from a staring contest I was starting to have an inappropriate reaction to.

“Perhaps. But I’m not ready for full disclosure yet. Baby steps fellas, can’t tell you all my secrets now, there’d be no mystery left.”

“I once stood watch while you pissed on the side of the road in broad daylight, in the middle of rush hour traffic because you slammed a gallon of water and couldn’t wait for a rest stop,” Mark deadpans. “You tour with someone three times for no less than four months each, well there isn’t much mystery left after that, Sugar.”

When did Mark’s lips get so full and pouty?

I shake my head—and the long dormant thoughts rolling around in it—and open my mouth, but don’t get a chance to say anything because Norm starts laughing even before he speaks.

“Or what about the time you were so ripped on ecstasy you climbed on top of our tour bus and started stripping while singing I Want To Break Free, emphasizing the beat with your finger guns each time you threw an article of clothing over the side? You were rolling your tits off.”

I really like Norm with scruff on his face.

“Yeah, and my big ass was the one who wound up climbing after her before she got totally naked.” Lucky shakes his head with a deep rumbly chuckle. “You threw your fucking boot at me.”

“I missed though.” I shrug and give him an evil grin.

“Which just proves how fucked up you were. I am not an easy target to miss. Especially that close.”

“What about the time we got hammered with the guys from Static White and they made us play strip poker with them?” Pete chimes in. “I have never seen anything scarier than Leo dressed in nothing but a sports bra, Lucky’s shorts and one sock, trying to beat the hell out of a naked Ross White because she was convinced he was cheating.”

I start laughing so hard I snort. “He was! I don’t know how, but that fucker was totally cheating.”

“He was completely naked, princess. Where exactly was he hiding the cards?”

“I don’t know, but Ross was cheating.”

“I still think they just wanted to play so they could get Leo naked.” Mark smiles and nods. “And it’s probably the only reason any of us let it happen.”

Lucky shrugs in agreement while Pete and Norm nod, too.

“Perverts, the bunch of you.” I might be laughing with the rest of them but my blood pressure is rising and it’s not because I’d still punch Ross White in the dick if he was here right now.

Nope, it has everything to do with this conversation, and the way I can’t seem to stop thinking about things that haven’t even crossed my mind in years.

“Oh, come on! Do not even try to convince me you didn’t have that same thought running through your head at the time.” Mark chides. Then he winks at me and I decide to ignore how that made me feel. “You were the only one out of eight people who had any clothes on at the end of that game.”

Pete leans forward, arching his brow and not helping my case. “Face it, princess, we were all curious. You wanted a look just as much as we did, and you know damn well every band we ever toured with had at least one member who wanted in your pants.”

I watch Lucky lose the lighthearted playfulness and narrow his eyes. The last thing I want is for this to start a fight, like it always has. Which honestly makes a lot of sense now that I’m thinking about it.

Any time Lucky and I fought it was usually over some groupie or whoever we were seeing at the time. We defended each other way more than we fought, and if it came down to us or our current fling, we always chose us, but he was fucking pissed when I ended up dating Luke White, Ross’s brother. Luke was the only time I ever dated someone else in a band, and if we keep this conversation going everyone will end up duking it out.

They all liked Luke until I started dating him, and that never really made any sense to me until now.

Huh .

“ So, ” I practically yell into the silent tension. “I’m diabetic.”

Four sets of eyes snap toward me, and I giggle.

I guess Justine didn’t tell Lucky everything .

“I am no longer the proud owner of seventy percent of a pancreas, along with several other internal organs, therefore I have quite a bit of maintenance I have to do in order to not die.”

“Way to come right out with it, Leo,” Norm says eyeing my shit on the counter.

“No point in beating around the bush.” I give him a nonchalant shrug. “You guys need to know in case something happens, and I definitely don’t want you to think I’m reliving the dark years. ” Not anymore anyway.

“Hold on.” Lucky gets up from the island and starts rummaging through my junk drawer, pulls out a notebook and pen then sits. “Ok, I’m ready.”

My brows lift in surprise. “You’re going to take notes?” Then I roll my eyes. “Of course you are. Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to for a minute.”

“Smart. Ass.” He glares.

“Are you type one or two?” Mark asks as he grabs for my meter.

“I’m kind of in between, closer to two, I guess. I have to take a pill twice a day but I only inject insulin before bed.” My eyes flick to Lucky’s hand as he starts writing. “I have chewable tabs in case I drop, and emergency insulin for extreme scenarios. Those are both marked with red duct tape, basically so I don’t get confused and accidentally inject myself at the wrong time. The meds I take in the morning all have a strip of yellow duct tape with suns on it, and my night meds all have blue duct tape with moons on it.”

In unison all four of them ask, “Justine?”

“You know it.” I separate my pill bottles and show them her handy work. “I take these generally by eleven in the morning, these by eleven at night but no earlier than nine.” I point to the ones with green duct tape. “These are my enzyme pills?—"

“And your Lactaid.” Lucky smirks. “They have the same wait time?”

I love that he remembers that.

Nodding, I motion to the red ones. “My chewables can’t go in the fridge but my insulin has to. Anytime I leave I have to bring that with me in a small portable cooler so it stays cold.”

“You just pulled it out of a cupboard though.” Norm leans forward and peeks over the edge. “A cupboard that has a mini fridge in it. Pierre?”

“Yeah. There are also little shelves with dividers on them, all labeled with each individual med’s info and shit.” I pull my hair up into a messy knot as Pete eyeballs me. “I made a lot of mistakes early on when I had a lot more meds to take. This made things easier, and it’s a good system.”

“How is all that not a lot of meds?” Pete points then picks up a bottle.

“It’s mostly vitamins and supplements.” I line those up and separate everything so they can see what I’m talking about. “Then my diabetic pill, antidepressant, migraine and allergy med in the morning.”

“Still Zyrtec?” Lucky asks without looking up.

God, I love these men.

“Same dose and everything.” Then I separate out my mealtime meds. “Only the enzyme and Lactaid in green duct tape with avocados on it. I take these vitamins at night with another dose of my antidepressant and a sleeping pill.”

“That’s a heavy dose, princess.” Pete looks at the Temazepam bottle and back up to me in concern.

I shrug again. “It doesn’t work. Honestly, I need to talk to my doctor about changing it anyway.”

Lucky makes a note of that in the margin of his rapidly filling page. “I want to go over your list of doctors, too.”

“We can do that later. I’ll even give you the dates for my next appointments.” I know he’s going to want at least one of them to go with every time I see someone in a white coat.

I grab for the last three bottles and set them in front of my boys, eyeing them with a weary sigh. “These two are only as needed, both for anxiety. One is to take at onset of a panic attack during waking hours, the other I can take in addition to my sleeping pill if it’s been a rough day. The last is something I’m supposed to take when I have a migraine but I don’t like the way it makes me feel.” Because it was the one I took the most of when I tried to kill myself. “All three are narcotics and I try to avoid taking them.”

“I don’t like any of this,” Mark says as he crosses his arms against his chest. “I understand it, but I don’t like it.”

“I know. But this is way better than it used to be. Mostly vitamins, mostly stuff that keeps me alive. It would all work more efficiently if I took better care of myself, but it’s still a huge improvement.”

“On that note.” Mark and Pete get up from the island and come around toward me, the former reaching out to squeeze my hand as he walks past, the latter stopping to kiss my temple before he does the same. “The gumbo should be done.”

My stomach lets out a terrible screech as Pete directs me to the stool he just vacated by Lucky then goes back over to help Mark.

All the weird feelings are happening tonight.

And I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t had any kind of attention in a long time, or if it’s because I’m getting attention from them , but I’m all sorts of warm and fuzzy right now, and I never want this feeling to go away.

“I’m glad you told us about all this,” Lucky says as he scoots my stool closer to him. “I still have questions, though.”

“I knew you would, honey. We’ll talk more later.” Just not about anything other than what I currently take and who I see for them.

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. “When is your next appointment?”

“I have a routine exam with my endo in two weeks. Then the rest of my routine shit starts all over again. Primary, psychiatrist, neurology, allergy... I have a PAP smear coming up, wanna come to that too?”

“Yes.” Lucky smirks as I look up at him over my shoulder. “But we’ll stay in the waiting room.”

“You are a ridiculous man.”

I watch as Mark puts five enormous bowls of his incredible shrimp gumbo out on the counter before he goes for the beer.

Yeah, all the things are happening on my insides right now.

A girl could get used to it.

“I may be ridiculous.” Lucky lowers his voice as his mouth dips close to my ear, and I feel his breath on the side of my neck. “But I love you. We want to keep you around for a long time, Leo, so if that means I drag you kicking and screaming to each appointment, I will.”

Letting my head fall to his shoulder, I sigh wistfully. “Just like the good old days.”

He used to have to do that for every single one of my doctor appointments, even if I just had a head cold. Hell, he and Pete had to carry me into my dentist one time, and I was kicking and screaming while they did it.

I’m not a fan to say the least, but almost dying unintentionally more times than I can count has made me more cooperative when it comes to going wherever I need to.

“These days are going to be better.” Lucky kisses my neck just below my ear and I can feel his smile against my skin. “I can bribe you with sugar free desserts and make out sessions.”

“I will never miss an appointment ever again.”

Norm looks over at me with a furrowed brow. “Do they make sugar free chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream?”

When I shrug and shake my head he nods sharply. “Then I have a new mission. I’m either going to find it, or I’m going to find out how to make it.”

I laugh as Lucky pushes me forward to start in on my food before he repositions himself close to me.

Idiot is not a strong enough word to describe what I’ve been the last three years.

I know it wasn’t all me per se, my mental health was really, really bad in the beginning but it was more than that. I’ve prevented myself from having them in my life, from believing my boys would understand, that they’d forgive me and accept everything the way they have, and I don’t know if there is a way I can forgive myself for that.

All I can do is prove to them that I’m worth spending time with, that I’m worth wading through the bullshit for.

I just hope I don’t fuck this up with the secrets I’m still keeping from them.