40. Dax

Chapter forty

Dax

"I know you told me not to write anymore, but I can't stop. I tried. But I couldn't do it. So, I still write. And I'm going to keep writing. Even if you never see them. You've always been good at knowing things before I know. Maybe you'll know I'm still writing, and you'll decide you start writing back again too."

"Where have I put my stupid phone?" I question into the quiet room, knowing no one will answer me. It's almost 5pm, I'm normally back at home by now but I completely lost track of time spending too long piling up stock. I have checked all the shelves, all the drawers, and can't remember where I have put it.

Dragging my feet towards the door leading to the shop floor, I push myself to check another time to make sure again I haven't put it down without realising. As I turn the handle, I hear my phone ringing from the exact shelf I looked at two moments ago. Which I could have sworn was empty.

I am losing the plot.

Noticing the words, ‘Sunshine' light up the screen with a photo of Jae, I answer instantly.

"Hey, pretty boy, I've just been on the phone to Isaac. Bee gave birth, a beautiful baby girl. She's amazing. Anyway, the guys are back, and Noah is going to come up for a few days, is that okay? You're still more than welcome to stay obviously. I just wanted to make sure you were aware before he got here."

I pause, staring at the wall in front of me.

Noah is coming?

The last time Jae saw Noah was when he needed to be saved, does Jae need to be saved again?

Did I do something wrong?

Paranoia washes over me.

"Dax?"

"Yeah. I'm here. That's fine, I'll stay at my house."

"Oh, okay. Are you sure? Please don't feel like you have to do that. You're welcome to stay over still you know, I don't want you to feel like you can't."

"No, it's fine." It's not.

"I need to go back home for a bit anyway I think, I have some stuff I need to do." I'm scared that the nightmares are going to start again.

I've just gotten used to sleeping again.

"I'm just getting ready to head out, I'll ring you when I'm home." I wish I wasn't going home, and I was coming back to your house. My sheets won't smell the same. My bed won't feel the same.

It won't be the same.

"Oh, okay," Jae's voice echoes. I can hear the sadness in his tone.

"I gotta go, sunshine, a customer just walked in." Lie. "I'll call you later, yeah? Miss you." And I hang up before he can say anything else.

Already my mind feels like it's running a marathon I will never be able to finish.

I just got used to waking up in his bed again, I just got used to the smell of him, the feeling of his skin against mine.

Instantly the back room I'm working in feels like it's closing in on me, suffocating me. I quickly clear everything away making sure everything is back in its correct place before going onto the floor to cash up the till for the evening.

Walking towards my bike, my body feels like dead weight. I decided to hold off and stay in the shop another hour, waiting for roads to clear, but I find myself hesitating more than normal going back home.

A place that doesn't feel right anymore.

It took me so long to figure out but home has never been a place.

Because it's been him the whole time.

I was just too stupid to realise.

The house is nothing more than a shell hiding broken things and bad memories, those I try so desperately to forget.

My body moulds into the seat of my bike, feeling comforted by the familiar feeling, naturally relaxing as I turn the key and push my foot on the floor, ready to leave. But the anxiety hits me again when I come to the roundabout, reminding myself I need to take a different turn than what I have become used to the last few weeks.

Everything is changing again. I finally got used to something and now it's being disturbed.

The memory of his retreating back as the doors closed behind him replays in my mind, again and again taking over my thoughts. No matter how hard I force my eyes to close, the image remains.

I've seen the way Noah looks at him. What if Jae has now realised he doesn't want me, but wants him?

What if he leaves again?

I don't think I could survive a second time.

I'm brought back to reality when I hear a driver behind me honking his horn and shouting at me, telling me it's time to go. But deep down, I find myself asking the question, go where?

I think about going to the cliffs to get some space, but with the rain starting to fall and not having a jacket, I decide against the idea and continue down the roads of green trees and open fields towards ‘home.'

I think about turning back and going to Jae.

But what if I'm the reason Noah's coming back?

What if I'm the reason he needs to be saved?

The rain starts to pick up. Each drop becomes more aggressive and violent. The sky around me starts to darken. Concentrating on the roads ahead, I ride down the back lanes with ease. I've ridden this path a million times, I could do it with my eyes closed while I try my hardest to keep my mind occupied. Trying to think of anything else other than the possibility that I've somehow hurt my sunshine again.

I pull off the main road, leading me to the narrow maze of streets towards the house, and I find my body unable to stop the panic.

Stopping at the unknown car parked in the drive, I swing my legs from the bike, not caring about anything else around, and I throw my bike to the ground. Kicking the pebbles towards it as I make my way to the door.

"Fucking piece of shit," I groan under my breath as I search for the house key in my jean pocket.

"All you ever do is cause pain, Dax, that's all you're good for."

"Maybe he's realised just how fucked up you are, and Noah has come to save him from you."

The front door swings open and Tyler comes into view.

"Hey, what is wrong with you? What's happened?" He peeks behind me, spotting the bike on the floor. "What did the bike do?"

I don't answer his questions as I push past him, I don't want to talk to him right now. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I feel his hand at my arm, attempting to pull me back, and I rapidly pull my arm away.

Turning myself back to face him, I bawl, "Just leave me alone, Tyler."

I can hear him speaking but I don't pay attention to the sound coming out of his mouth, I just want to lock myself away.

I need to get away.

Swinging my bedroom door open, I ensure I push it hard enough that it hits the wall with a loud thud before slamming closed a little too forcibly, but I don't care. Still feeling unable to breathe, I start to take off all items of clothing, leaving on just my boxers. My skin suddenly feels as though it's on fire and my clothes are burning into my flesh. I need to remove everything. The feeling of it is too much.

Everything is too much.

All I can feel is pain, all I do is cause pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Before I realise what I'm doing, I am pulling all my posters from the walls, pushing everything off the units, emptying all the draws onto the floor.

Worthless, stupid, pathetic.

Without any hesitation, I make my way towards the window ledge at the back of the bedroom. In the distance, I can see where the sky meets the sea. Tyler saw the way my face lit up when I saw the view and didn't argue when I said I wanted this room.

He's always been so caring of me. So protective.

Slowly running my finger across the window ledge, my hand comes to the picture frame which sits proudly looking upon me. Staring at me.

The photo of Mum holding me when I was a newborn watches over me, similar to the night sky in the view outside. A constant reminder that she's gone.

I trail my finger around the edge of the frame, moving it towards the centre to circle her face.

Would she be ashamed of me right now?

A wave of anger washes over me, anger that she got taken from me too soon. Anger that she isn't here anymore.

Would she hate me as much as I hate myself?

I inhale a deep breath as I turn my body, now facing the door in the opposite direction, and without a second thought, I throw the frame towards the wall as the bedroom door opens rapidly, in walking Tyler to witness my self-destruction.

"Hey, take it easy, what's going on? What happened?" he panics. Turning to shut the door after himself, he notices the photo and frame smashed on the floor. Shards of glass lay on top of the endless piles already there, but right now, I don't care.

I freeze for a moment, watching him bend down, pushing the shards onto the floor away from the picture. His shoulders tense, his body becomes stiff. He can't look at me.

I don't blame him, I can't look at myself either.

Keeping his head down low, he starts to speak, slowly, in pain, "You've got to tell me what's happened, Dax. You can't keep it locked up like a bottle. You can't take it out on Mum either."

"Of course I can't. Because she's dead. She left me. Everyone always leaves me."

"Everyone leaves? I'm still fucking here. I'm standing right here, Dax. And you're shutting me out. I have never once left you. And I never fucking will. But you've got to let me in. You've got to speak to me. I don't know what's going on in your head, I don't know what you're thinking. You need to tell me what's going on so I can help you."

I don't know when I started to scream, but I welcome the dryness of my mouth, the burn in the back of my throat.

"I don't deserve help, Tyler. I'm fucked up. I hurt people, I hurt myself. Everybody just fucking leaves me. You should do yourself a favour and leave me too." My body aches, I feel the weight of defeat. "Save yourself and leave me."

Tyler strides from the opposite side of the room towards me, I can see the anger in his body. The pain in his face. He's never been the aggressive kind, he's never caused pain for anyone. But right now, I wouldn't be surprised if his fist met my face.

Part of me wants it too.

Maybe it would wake me up from my nightmare.

"I promised her I would look out for you. That's what I've spent all this time doing. People come and go, some people leave, Dax. But I will never fucking leave you." His voice starts to break, reducing to a whisper. "I'm not breaking my promise to her, not now. Not ever. I can't"

Defeat.

"Well maybe I want you to."

Before I'd finished saying the six words, I'd noticed the shift in his face.

The disgust, the rage. The pain.

And for the first time in my life, I think my brother hates me.

No, I don't think, I know.

Because right now, I hate myself, too.

"I don't know who you are when you're like this. You're like a completely different person. I will always care for you. You're my brother. But right now, you're not Dax."

I don't think I ve been him for a long time.

Pain, pain, pain.

He doesn't say another word as he turns away to walk back towards the door, he doesn't even look at me. With the photo of me and Mum still in his hand, he pulls the bedroom door open with such force, I think it's close to coming from the hinges. He stops in the doorway for a few seconds, his shoulders drop, his head turns slightly to the side, and I notice him shaking it as though he's talking himself out of saying something else. And he takes a step outside, slamming the door shut behind him.

My mind is in a complete state of shock. I don't know what to do or know what to think. But the only thing my eyes are drawing attention to is the small box resting on my unit at the opposite side of the bed. Jae's side . The small container, one of my most prized possessions, but now all I can see when I look at it is pain.

And before I know it, in an attempt to erase my feelings and thoughts about everything, especially Jae, I'm emptying the container onto the bed beside me and I'm ripping every letter I've ever written, old and new, one by one, into pieces.

Scattering them across the floor.

Reminding me of my shattered heart.