Prologue

Dax

Sixteen years old.

Growing up, there were times when I would wish there was more than me, my brother, and Mum.

I know I may sound ungrateful, but I don't mean to be.

Life has always been easy, sure, and I never took either of them for granted.

But even though the three of us is all I've ever known, I felt as though a piece of me was missing, which I never truly understood.

I have finally left high school and couldn't be happier about it. College and university are something I've dreamed of and can now finally, hopefully, make both wishes into a reality.

For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled to be around others. I've often felt misunderstood, and I've felt others did whatever they could to avoid me.

I was ten years old when I really started to enjoy music, quickly noticing how much it became an outlet for me and my emotions. Over time, I realised how much I connected with artists and their lyrics. And the more I listened, the more I was thankful they had the power to explain things I didn't know how to explain myself. I felt as though I wasn't alone, that someone understood the way I saw the world and the way things made me feel. Mum noticed how much joy music brought me, also observing how often I stole my brother's Walkman, and for my birthday that year, she bought me my own. It wasn't anything flashy, it was secondhand, but that didn't matter to me. I cherished it more than I had ever cherished anything before. I can remember the moment I unwrapped it and the way Mum's eyes filled with tears of love and joy when she saw how excited I was, as though it was yesterday. It became a part of me, attached. I never left the house without it, or my room, in fact.

"I have never seen you more alive," she praised.

And I agree with that too.

When I was around fourteen years old, doctors told her I had depression. I think that was the day I saw her heart break, and I don't think I have truly been able to forgive myself for it since. Even though I feared doctors, scared of what they would say, the moment she told me she felt it was for the best for me to go, I forced myself to. To get better.

For me, and for her.

Deep down, I think I had an idea of what the doctors would say all along. I'd noticed the looks I got from other students, and I'd heard what they whispered in the hallways. I was branded the ‘depressed loner boy' by others, and they threw it at me any chance they got. No matter how hard I tried to hide that I was affected by this, it sunk deeper down than I intended.

After getting an official diagnosis, Mum, Tyler, and the teachers around me started to change. I guess I should be thankful for it, but it left me feeling more like an outsider than I had previously.

And that's what I hated the most.

Tyler, my brother, is four years older than me. We aren't the closest. You could compare us to cats and dogs, but I wouldn't think too much about it, he's just a dick. He's your typical ‘guy everyone wants to know, the guy everyone wants to be around.' Whereas you could call me an outcast. We don't have much in common and we don't really talk. Unless we have to. Which is why we try to avoid each other as much as possible.

Mum, on the other hand, has been my best friend my entire life. She's hard-working, strong, and beautiful. I wouldn't know life without her. I never knew my father growing up, nor have I ever had the desire to. She was twice the father he could have ever been, and I often found myself thankful he wasn't interested in the first place.

"So, D, now you've left school – you going to get a job? You know, pull your weight?" Tyler drawls from behind me as he walks into the kitchen. Turning to face him, I slowly trail my eyes up and down his body, assessing the attire he's chosen to wear. It looks as though he's just walked out of an 80s music video. He must have just returned from the gym, as I didn't hear him walk in.

I zone out completely after hearing those words come from his mouth, unsure of how to reply. It isn't until I hear the clang of the bottle he's drinking from hit the table that I come back around.

"Tyler, he left school last week. Leave him alone. We're okay," Mum instantly scolds, jumping straight in to defend me from the fucker himself.

"I know that, Mum. But there are three of us, I was just asking. You won't have to work so much then. Get some time off, have time to relax. You deserve it."

"I don't need to relax, and I don't need time off, Ty, I enjoy working, I enjoy being busy. You two are older now, and in a few years, you may be gone for good. Let me do what I can before you flee the nest and forget about me, okay?" she says as she puts a fresh bouquet of flowers into the vase in the middle of the table. My eyes instantly wander towards them, taking in their colours and floral smell, blocking out my brother beside me.

"Forget about you? I could never do that, Mum. If it was up to me, I'd never leave." He beams.

The sound of her laughter fills the kitchen as she lightly taps his shoulder in protest. "You are something else, Tyler Whitmore. I hope you treat your ladies with more respect."

"I'd never leave you either, Mum," I whisper, quietly enough for only the two of us to hear my confession.

"I know, baby. And that's exactly why you need to. Get out there, see the world. Meet new people. Explore. Fall in love. You know, everything in those cheesy love films your brother always watches and thinks we don't notice?" She winks.

"I want to help, Mum. I can help. I'll start looking."

"Don't overwork yourself too much. You've just got some freedom before you start college. If you really want to work, maybe get a weekend job, why not at a café or something?"

"D at a café? The guy's got two left feet. I don't think that's on the menu," Tyler replies in hysterics.

"Ha ha, very funny," I deadpan. "Why are you home, anyway? Don't you have a date to attend or have girls finally realised how annoying you are?"

"Boys! We're all home for dinner. Let's be nice to each other, please. This is a rare opportunity. Gods, you're more alike than you think. No wonder you argue so much."

"Yeah, whatever, Mum. He's just jealous that I'm cooler than him." He jabs me in the ribs playfully in response. "Anyway, what are you cooking? Need me to make something?"

"Dinner should be any moment now."

The doorbell rings.

"Pizza time!" Mum shouts while wiping her hands with a kitchen towel, quickly making her way towards the front door.

"Yum!" me and Ty both shout in unison.

As Mum quickly closes the door and retreats towards the table, she raises a brow, laughing while she gives us an unfamiliar look as she places the boxes down.

Okay, maybe we do have more in common with one another than we thought.

It has been several weeks since we started our new tradition. Friday nights are no longer a night where I lock myself away in my room, but instead have become a night of laughter, movies, and good food. Tyler's date nights can wait – much to his dismay.

And on the plus side, I'm learning to tolerate him more. And just like Mum said, we aren't as different from one another after all.

I glance over towards Mum and Tyler as I see them sharing a bowl of popcorn, and I can't help but have a smile on my face.

I can only wish we had started this tradition earlier. But better late than never. Right?

My smile is still in place when he turns his head in my direction. Looking confused, he throws a handful of popcorn towards me before he notices Mum has fallen asleep against his shoulder.

Slowly moving her head to the side, he carefully ensures she is laid comfortably with a blanket over top, while I turn off the tv and the larger light, praying not to disturb her from her peaceful slumber.

Tiptoeing towards her, I'm careful not to make a sound. I lightly press a kiss to her forehead and step back, watching Tyler do the same.

After checking the doors are locked and all lights are switched off downstairs, we quietly make our way upstairs to our bedrooms, side by side. Before departing in opposite directions, I hear Tyler mumble something.

"You know, you're not bad company." He smiles.

I return his smile with one of my own. "You know, you're not either. Who'd have thought?"

"Punk," he sniggers while opening his door before quickly turning to face me once more. "Goodnight, D."

"Night, Ty."

And within moments of crawling into bed, I fall asleep, feeling the happiest I have in the longest time.

Another Friday rolls around before I know it. Finding a job hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. No one has called me back or given me a chance. It hasn't been the best for my self-esteem and has resulted in me feeling more hopeless than usual, so tonight is exactly what I need to take my mind off things.

Hopefully one of the scratch cards I've purchased as a weekly tradition allows us to win some money so I don't have to keep applying and getting rejected much longer.

It reaches six o'clock, and even though Friday pizza nights are fairly new to us, we've gotten used to meeting at this time in the kitchen, waiting for the food to arrive. Both me and Ty have begged Mum to allow us to take over and arrange the night for her, but she's turned the offer down each time, saying it's her one night to plan something nice for us, so we have to allow her to do it.

Stubborn.

We both know where we got that from.

"Hey, where's Mum at? Is pizza arriving soon? I'm starving," Tyler asks as he walks into the kitchen.

"I'm not sure. I haven't seen her." He pauses as I notice the look of confusion take over his face. "I haven't seen her since this morning." My voice trembles as I reply, my stomach cramping with nerves.

"Huh, that's odd. I haven't either," Tyler replies, now concerned.

I quickly grab my phone and start to dial Mum's number. It's not unusual for her to pick up an extra shift at work, but she always makes sure we know in advance.

When she doesn't answer, I hurriedly redial her number.

Come on, please, pick up. Pick up.

Straight to voicemail.

Tyler starts to speak, and I notice his voice starting to tremble too. "I'm sure everything's okay. She's probably just picked up another shift and her phone died. You know she can be forgetful sometimes. You sit tight, I'll order the pizzas. I'm sure she'll be back by the time they come."

I nod. Unsure of anything else to do or say right now. "Yeah, okay. Cool. I'll go put a film on for us." My feet feel heavy as I start to walk towards the television in the living room.

"Cool," Tyler replies, forcing a smile, probably for my sake.

Time goes by slowly, but before we know it, it's nine o'clock. Three hours after Mum should have met us in the kitchen.

Both of us have tried Mum's phone multiple times, all going straight to voicemail.

We've glanced at our phones continuously, not paying attention to the film in the background. Both too sick to focus, both too worried to concentrate.

I don't know what else we can do.

Three hours.

Without a thought, I start biting into my lip. It isn't until I can taste the blood on my tongue that I realise what I've done. I ignore the metallic taste in my mouth, tapping on my knee, focusing on the bouncing.

Focusing on anything and everything else I can right now.

We both jump at the noise of the movie going back to the main menu as music starts to play, causing Tyler to swiftly stand, starting to pace back and forth frantically, clutching his phone in a death grip. I'm surprised it hasn't broken.

Our attention is stolen when the sound of tires crunching on the gravel outside, combined with beaming headlights making their appearance through the living room curtains, has us frozen in place. We glance at each other and the tension in our shoulders starts to release.

"Here she is. Just fashionably late," Tyler announces as he walks to the microwave, placing Mum's pizza inside.

Suddenly, there's an unexpected knock at the door, which has us both staring at one another once more.

"Maybe she left her keys at work? Not the first time she's done that, either." Neither of us have the courage to move.

Tyler seems to snap out of it quicker than I do. "Yeah. Probably. Hold on, keep an eye on it so the pizza doesn't burn, yeah? I'll go let her in."

He moves quickly on his feet around the kitchen table, heading towards the door, and I notice myself starting to tremble once more. I don't hear Mum's cheerful voice coming through the corridor, nor do I hear her noisy work shoes making their way along the floor.

Something feels wrong.

"Erm, yeah, good evening, officer. Come on in," I hear Tyler mumble, followed by a deep, gruff voice.

"Thanks, son. Sorry for the intrusion. I'm Officer Tarhio," an older man replies. I stare at him in confusion as I take in his dark brown beard and dark blue eyes. He makes his way to the kitchen and I notice him slowly taking his hat from his head and holding it against his chest.

Something is definitely wrong.

Dread forms in the pit of my stomach and the two slices of pizza I had earlier threaten to rise.

"Is it just you two lads in the house? Anyone else? Are you waiting for anyone?"

"No, sir. Just us two. We think Mum must have been held up at work, she's normally home by now. We haven't managed to get in contact with her. Is there a problem?"

One million and ten questions begin running through my mind and my brain is on overload.

My palms start to feel clammy. I quickly wipe my hands down the sides of my trousers to get rid of the sweat forming.

I focus my attention on the flowers Mum put on the table two days ago, blocking out everything else around me, as I quietly start to hum a tune.

I'm not brought back to reality until I notice Tyler jumping up from the stool in anger, shouting that the police officer must be wrong, it must have been a mistake. He must be lying. They must have got the wrong person.

"I'm sorry, boys. It's your mum. We were called to the incident. Your mum was in a car crash. We found her phone and keys, her purse was there, along with her ID. I'm so sorry, lads. She was announced dead at the scene. The crash killed her instantly on impact. The other driver was killed too."

I need to be sick.

The world seems to have come to a halt. In this moment, I hear nothing but the buzzing in my ears.

Dead.

He said she was dead.

Mum is dead.

No no no no no.

"Please get out. Get out now. We need to — I don't know. Just get out," Tyler starts to plead. "Please," he whispers.

"Here's my direct contact; you need anything at all, whenever you need it, please contact me. Any time, any day. Me and my wife live down the street, number 42. You can't get in contact with me, go straight to her. You lads aren't going to go through this alone. You hear me?" the officer states, slowly making his way towards the door.

"I'll come back in the morning to check on you both. I'm sorry, boys. I wish this wasn't the news I was telling you."

I don't respond to him. I couldn't if I wanted to.

Dead.

I fall to my knees in hysterics.

"FUCK!" Tyler thunders as he throws the plate with the warmed-up pizza I was moments ago preparing for Mum, across the room, causing it to smash into pieces.

I start to pound my fists into the floor, ignoring the discarded broken plate as I welcome the pain of the shards digging into me.

Tears start to fall down my face. I don't notice I'm crying at first. Numb to everything around me but the excruciating pain within my chest. From the side of my eye, I see Tyler's feet come into view before he, too, drops to his knees in front of me and engulfs me in his arms, rocking us both back and forth, pulling me closer in the process.

A pained sound escapes me, which results in him bringing me in even closer.

The one person who has been by my side since the first time she ever held me, is gone. What were my last words to her? Did I tell her I loved her? Did I hold her long enough as I hugged her before she left for work?

My cries become uncontrollable as I think about all the lasts I've had with her, and no more new beginnings.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay… I've got you. I promise I will never leave you, D. I will never ever leave you."

I take a deep breath in, listening carefully to the words coming from my brother's mouth, keeping all my attention on the flowers in the vase on the table.

He's got me, but who's got him?

I hold on tighter, afraid that he will disappear, too, if I let go, as we spend the rest of the night crying alongside one another, locked in each other's arms.

And it was at that moment, I had my heart broken for the first time.

More like shattered to pieces.