15. Everleigh

Chapter fifteen

Everleigh

I know it’s four in the morning, and I’m knocking on Darius’ door, but I had to. Sleep was an elusive bastard because I currently have too much on my mind. Too much I need to tell someone. That I need to tell him . He was so honest with me in the car today, so I need to be honest in return. I could wait until morning, except I can’t. I could maybe wait for a good time, except there will never be a good time. So I’m here.

I’m also about to chicken out and go racing back down the ridiculously long hall runner back to my room on tiptoes, but then the door opens, and Darius is there. He’s half asleep, looking rumpled, with his hair a mess on one side. It’s adorable. He’s adorable and beautiful. Always.

He’s got one hand thrown onto the doorframe, and he takes up the whole doorway. He’s wearing those sweatpants again and nothing else. He looks like the god of sleep and the god of beds, and it makes my throat close up so fast and hard that it’s impossible to swallow down the lump that rises there.

“I…I thought maybe you were an early riser,” I stammer out before I shut my eyes and wince. “No, that’s bullshit. I need to tell you something. Can I tell you something?”

His soft answer peels my eyelids back open. “Of course.”

“You told me everything, and I told you nothing in return. I know I don’t have to and that you don’t require it. But I…can I come in, though? Can we sit down on the edge of the bed like we did before? And will you take my hand and squeeze it in yours until I work up enough courage to say what I need to say?”

His hand on my shoulder, guiding me through the room and helping me to arrange myself into a pile of limbs at the foot of his bed, is answer enough. He’s not a robot like me. He might still be half asleep, but he’s warm and reassuring, and he smells good. Like fresh, clean laundry and himself, and it helps me take a breath and find the courage I was talking about needing to get.

“My dad was a gambleholic. Like anything he could gamble on, he did. Lottery tickets, horse races, sports, the casino, everything. It got out of control in the last few years of his life. We were older already by then. I don’t know what stopped him from getting so bad when I was younger. Maybe he was just working up to it. Anyway, he left when I was sixteen. He didn’t leave because we’d be better off without him. No, he was selfish and irresponsible, and he didn’t want a family anymore…”

“Do you need a minute?”

Yes, a thousand. Infinite. I don’t want to think about this shit anymore, but I answer, “No, I’m okay. He was also trying to get out of town because he owed a bunch of people money. He had a lot of debts. Not just gambling debts but all the debts that come from not having money to pay for things like electrical bills and the mortgage because it was all wasted on betting and gambling. A few weeks after he skipped town, he literally had a heart attack and died. My mom had to cover the funeral costs and get the body back to Philly from Texas because, if you can believe it, he’d made it all the way down there. It was a fucking nightmare, the worst thing you could ever imagine. But she was a rock through all of it. This was a woman whose husband had been lying to her for a long time because he kept his gambling a secret for as long as he could before he just up and left.”

Darius’ arm wraps around my shoulders, and he whispers, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry all of that happened to you. To you and your mom and sister. I know you were all together, and you were a family unit, but no one should have to go through that.”

My throat is raw and thick, but I keep going. I need to. “After he died, just how much he owed became apparent because it wasn’t just creditors calling us and companies threatening to shut off the power and water. It was shady people coming to the house. My mom started working two other jobs, and I also started working two different jobs, one after school and one on the weekend. We sold the house and moved to some tiny little crap apartment, but it was okay, though, because we were together, and we were making it through. We never had much extra, but I got a scholarship and kept working when I went to school. The rest, you already know. I graduated and got a good job working with your company. It was actually through a friend of a friend who knew someone, but I did get hired.”

That’s it. Pretty much all of it is out there now. I don’t know what to expect except silence because it feels right. Like it’s the only thing that can be between us right now. Darius isn’t going to let it last, though. I should have known he’d always find me, even in the dark.

“Thank you for earlier.”

My head jerks around. He’s so sincere, and his eyes are shining. They’re not misty, just shining. “You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“I do. I stole all your thunder. I know you’re missing your mom and sister, which is why I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it’s best if you spend some time there—an extended amount of time back in Philly. It would be understandable since your sister is sick.”

“Do you really mean that? Darius, I’m sometimes so scared. That’s what I never tell anyone. That underneath, I’ve always been so scared. I’m scared now because I keep calculating the odds, and they’re good odds, but I fixate on every single one of those percentages that are against her. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to her. I think I’d cease to exist. I’d never get over it.”

He soothes me by stroking my hair, which is probably one of the most intimate things one person can do for another, at least in my books. “Nothing is going to happen to her. Nothing.”

“I want to believe that, but—”

“She isn’t just going to have the best doctors there. I’m going to make sure she has access to the best anywhere. If she needs it and wants it, then it’s done. That’s how I know nothing is going to happen because they will fight for her. I’ll fight for her. Because fighting for her is fighting for you.”

“Darius, I—”

“No. It’s a fight that doesn’t expect anything back. We don’t have to trade favors. It’s not like the contract for the will because that’s done. The rest from here is because I want to help you. Because I know you all now, and I care about you.”

“Even the cat of hot death?”

He laughs. “Yeah, even the cat of hot death.”

“She said something to me. Something that is always said, but I’ve really stopped taking it for granted after she got diagnosed. It’s about time and how none of us know when our time is going to be up. It makes it so much more real when you’re diagnosed with a really bad illness or when someone you love is fighting it. It makes it so different. And I’ve been thinking about that. I’m thinking about it now. It’s not exactly right, but I need to be honest. I’m thinking about kissing you now.”