24. Mattias

The people at the Hawking Clinic were available almost alarmingly quickly, making an appointment for each of us just a few days after I called. I wasn't sure what they could do for me—the majority of the people in my life were dying, and there was nothing anyone could do to change it. Nothing existed that would magically fix the march of time.

I didn't think there was any chance a person could just not have emotions about being left alone in the world. Being able to brush off death and loneliness would make me a person I didn't much like, I suspected.

But maybe... I didn't know. Maybe talking to someone could help. Maybe Doctor Hawking could tell me how to make friends my own age, so not everyone in my social circle was over sixty.

Either way, Connor and I were both nervous as hell on the drive to the clinic. I fidgeted in the passenger seat, and he drove extra carefully, checking every direction twice, hands constantly on ten and two, and just... stiff-backed in his seat, clearly worried about the coming meeting. But we could handle it. We were grown-ass men, who'd already been through hell. Surely this couldn't be worse than losing Jessie or Granddad had been.

We arrived almost exactly on time, just a few minutes early, because of Connor's precise driving and scrupulous following of the speed limit the whole way. We checked in with the kind older woman at the counter, who smiled indulgently at us, and reminded me of Grandma.

I recognized the shawl she was wearing as the same one Grandma had, that she'd made in a class in town a few years earlier, and I almost commented on it. Of course I wanted to stop and chat with her. Everyone I knew was her age. It was natural for me to want to chat with her.

I was pretty screwed.

Still, when I'd made the appointments, I'd known who had more important problems: Connor's appointment was first. So when two guys came out of the office, smiling, one with his arm around the other, the doctor called him back.

He hesitated a moment, reaching up and taking my hand.

I squeezed it back, smiling at him. "Do you want me to come in to start? Do you need a cup of water?"

That, for some reason, seemed to bolster him. He smiled at me and shook his head. "No. I—I can handle this. I'm good. Thank you. For everything."

I gave his hand another squeeze before letting him go in. My heart gave a little flip, and I hoped to anyone that might be listening in the big chaotic universe that the doctor could help him. He deserved to be happy.

I just didn't know how that worked anymore.

I took a deep breath and started to lower myself back into the chair as I really took a look at the guys who'd come out of the doctor's office.

Cider Landing really was the smallest of small towns. I knew them. Everett Bailey had been a childhood friend, or at least acquaintance. He'd been about a year younger than me, but he'd been in Cider Landing for all of middle school, and he'd been a cool guy. An artist, if I remembered right.

And now, he was one of an adorable couple with this other guy, Peter Something-or-another, and they were sort of "the town gays." Not that there wasn't room for me or Connor, but they'd been the first openly gay couple in Cider Landing, and that was always a test for a small town. Would the people who'd never seen men holding hands before shun them or accept them?

Cider Landing, as always, had made me proud, and embraced Everett and Peter happily. Enthusiastically, even, with more than half the shops in town suddenly flying little rainbow flags in their windows, just to make their positions as clear as possible.

It probably helped that Peter was a handyman, and the town had been in desperate need of someone to do that for years before he'd come. Apparently, he was a damn good one, who could fix almost anything. He'd started by fixing up Everett's house.

Everett's house, that he'd inherited from his own grandmother, who'd been a good friend of mine. I swallowed hard and gave him a nod. "Everett."

He beamed at me. "Hey, Mattias. How are you?"

"Nervous, mostly, but I'm sure you don't want to hear about that." I ducked my head, embarrassed. He'd already lost his grandmother. It was selfish of me to think my problems were so big.

Except, of course, he hadn't been raised by his grandmother. Hadn't thought of her as his mother.

"Hey, no worries about that," he said. "I mean, it's always hard to start, but Doc Hawking is great. She's helped us a lot."

"A lot," Peter echoed. "She's very patient."

Odd thing for him to think of first, but then, what the hell did I know about what made a good therapist?

I smiled at them, ready to hide myself and avoid speaking to another human being until it was my turn in the hot seat, but then I remembered: "Shit, I keep meaning to call you. The AC is on the fritz at the inn. It's not a huge deal yet since it's only April, but it's gonna get real ugly in a month or two if I can't... if I can't afford to get it fixed. Any chance you could come by and take a look, let me know how much it'll cost to fix it?"

I'd been trying not to even think about it honestly. When the AC had gone out in the restaurant in New York one year, the new unit had run the owner almost ten grand. Maybe it was New York and that was different. Or maybe I just couldn't afford to have functioning air conditioning anymore.

"Of course," Everett agreed instantly, whipping out his phone. "We've got... Tuesday is wide open if you've got time then."

"Tuesday is great." I stopped and bit my lip. "You can... just, like, an estimate? I know how expensive these systems can be, and?—"

"Dude, no worries. We're not gonna slam you with an unagreed-to bill for a thousand dollars or something. We'll take a look, see what's up, and see if we can get you up and running again. It's Cider Landing. We've all gotta look out for each other, right?"

I swallowed hard and nodded. "I appreciate it, Everett."

"The inn's had a rough couple of years," he said, tone going even softer. "My grandmother used to work up there a little, when she was alive, and everyone seems to think you're running the place by yourself now."

"Grandma's still there," I said, immediately defensive. "She helps out when she can."

"Of course. She's great. I'm not trying to say you're alone in the universe, Mattias. I'm trying to say you're not. If you ever need any help... well hell, I guess my number isn't the same. Here." He pulled a card out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Call anytime. Not a ton of people in town our age, so you know, even if you just want to hang out. Call."

Huh.

Was it just that easy, making friends my own age? Weird.

"I'll do that," I agreed, tucking the card into my pocket. Then, I thought better of it, and pulled my phone out to program it in immediately. "Meanwhile, I'll see you guys on Tuesday?"

"Tuesday," Everett agreed, and he and Peter headed out.

Maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as I'd thought.