14. Connor

Iwas full, grounded in a way I hadn't been in months, the rice and curry mingling in my stomach to make me feel warm and satisfied, when Mrs. Hall pulled the rug out from under me.

"Sweetheart, I have to ask, are you and Trevor all right?" She was staring pointedly at my hands, a soft smile on her face.

I looked down at the pale line where my wedding band used to hug my finger and flexed my hand. My palm went clammy.

This wasn't a secret or anything, but it was still awkward.

"Yeah... Yes. And, I guess, no?" I chuckled, slipping my hands under the table so none of us could stare at the evidence of my massive failure. "At least, ah, in the way I think you're asking?"

Great. I wasn't making any fucking sense. But Jessamine and Mattias had seen me through some of the worst moments in my life, and as awkward as it was to talk about this, if I could manage it with anyone—and to be frank, I hadn't really managed it with anyone yet—it was them.

While they waited, Jessamine watching me with that empathetic smile, Mattias chewing his lip, I drew in a slow, shaky breath.

"We're both fine, but we've decided to divorce," I admitted. After that, it was easier to talk. "The holidays have been a strain, especially after—" I didn't need to say their name. Jessamine and Mattias already knew I was talking about Jessie. I sighed, forcing a smile. "Well, it was too much this past year. We fought a lot. We're handling things differently, overall. Trev wants to move on—not that he doesn't care or is being unreasonable. Just... he wants to live a life. I don't know how to do that yet. But we reminded each other of all this stuff we hoped for and never got. I couldn't give him what he needed, and I—well, I guess I needed something different too."

Jessamine groaned sympathetically. "That's so hard."

I shook my head. "It's fine. We separated about six months ago and will finalize the divorce early next year. I think he's dating someone—a friend from our old circle. Good guy. More, uh, up for adventure than I am right now." I laughed, dragging my hand through my hair. "Maybe than I've ever been. So I think he's happy, or getting there. And I'm?—"

Happy? Fuck no. I didn't have the faintest idea what happiness would look like at this point.

"Well, I'm fine."

Now, they were both looking at me like they knew exactly what a crock of shit that was. But unlike my mother, unlike Trevor or our friends, they didn't pull away or tell me to let go. They just... sat with it. It was hard, the air felt heavy, but it was also nice not to have to cringe away or try and box myself up.

And still, the silence crept up until I had to fill it. "Sorry, talking about all this makes me feel like a—well, like I've failed. Which seems ridiculous, because I can't imagine a bigger failing than trying to push someone I care about into a life that doesn't make them happy. Just, maybe if I'd—I could've?—"

If I'd found Jessie, everything would've been fine. It would've stayed just like it had been, and maybe it wouldn't have been perfect, but I'd have had Jessie.

At the end of the day, that's what my regrets boiled down to, that I'd failed Jessie—not that I let Trevor slip away. If I were being really honest with myself, we'd been going different directions since before Jessie disappeared. We'd met in college, and I had had a checklist of things I wanted to accomplish before twenty-five.

Finding a partner had been one of my assignments, little as I'd thought of it quite that concretely. But Trev deserved to be more than a ticked box on someone's list. I loved him enough to want him to have a life that made him happy. He deserved that.

Maybe I did too, even if any real chance at that had disappeared in the woods outside Cider Landing.

Peanut, saint that he was, took that moment to snuffle under the table and find a crumb that'd fallen on the floor.

I bent down to scratch his ears. "Clever little guy, aren't you?"

Jessamine laughed, and suddenly, the air was normal again. "He is. You should take him out to the woods with you tomorrow. He could use a longer walk. Getting a bit pudgy around the middle, hm?"

She looked down at him fondly, like very little in the world had made her happier than her dog. Pets were amazing. Maybe I needed a dog, but it was hard to imagine keeping one happy and engaged in the city and with my schedule.

"In fact"—she looked up at her grandson—"why don't you go with them?"

I looked up, and Mattias's eyelids fluttered. "Gran?—"

"That way," she kept on like he hadn't opened his mouth at all, "Connor doesn't have to wrestle with the beast all by himself."

Mattias's brow furrowed.

"I can manage the desk for one afternoon," Jessamine insisted. "We don't even have any scheduled arrivals."

"I wouldn't mind the company," I said.

Mattias sucked in his cheeks when he looked at me—did he not believe it?

"Really," I insisted, "it'd be nice to have someone to talk to. Maybe I'll start that book tonight? I'd love to hear your thoughts."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. If you have the afternoon free. I can't remember the last time—" The last time that someone had joined me on these excursions. The last time I'd talked about Jessie like I might see them again, that whoever I was talking to hadn't looked at me like I was deranged. "Well, the company would be nice, is all."

Mattias bit his lip again. "Okay. If you're sure?"

I nodded. "I am. Definitely."