Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty-Five

TORIN

One month later

I look at the items I’ve laid out on the table. A dozen shirts, some sweat towels, lanyards, water bottles, keychains. Frowning, I feel like there needs to be something extra. Something more . Turning to my inventory, I scan the shelves of crates that hold my team merch. I can’t see in the crates, so there’s a sample of the contents attached to the outside of most of them.

Except for a few. Like the one with the stuffed seal head poking out. With a smile, I pull one of them out. It’s a medium-sized one, roughly ten inches in length. Not one of the big ones. Or even one of the extra-large ones. But also not a tiny one. Setting it on the table, I’m satisfied with the things I have.

There’s a soft knock on the door as I’m standing straight. I turn as it opens and Hugo smiles at me. Everything inside me warms. I’m in his arms a minute later as he holds me tightly.

“I love you,” he murmurs.

It’s almost always the first words out of his mouth when we’ve been separated for any length of time. Like for hockey related things. Such as practice, which was where he was.

My arms tighten as I inhale him deeply. He smells like soap, fabric softener, and Hugo. That unique Hugo scent I love.

“I love you,” I answer .

His hand moves into the hair at the back of my head. His hold is firm, but so very gentle. Especially around my head.

There’s an entire period of time I still don’t remember. I don’t remember leaving my apartment or even being there. I don’t remember driving to or from my apartment. I don’t remember the accident or the hospital until the time I woke up and had my memory of Hugo back when I promised myself I would never forget him again.

To this day, I think I’ve woken up a couple times in the last month not remembering him completely. He hugs me tightly on those mornings like he does every morning, introduces himself, and tells me he loves me more than anything. Both times, I remember him before we get too far from the bed.

Honestly, I think the worst thing is forgetting him and then remembering while I’m still conscious. Knowing that I forgot him is terrifying. Coming to the realization that I know this man and what he means to me hurts in a way I can’t fully explain. I’m pretty sure I get super clingy after that for the rest of the day.

“You feeling okay?”

I nod. I get headaches often, which makes being the mascot a little difficult, but the Golden Tides franchise has been super understanding and accommodating. Not for the first time, I’m super grateful for the company I work for.

What’s frustrating and a little disappointing is I didn’t forget how to be anxious. I still have horrible anxiety in crowds, but I’m getting better around friends.

They were all there while I was in the hospital. All of Hugo’s friends, who are apparently my friends too. Coach Ajo was in a lot to check on me. Many members of administration and management for the Golden Tides were in to visit.

I had no idea there were so many people who supported me. Who like me and are concerned for me. My doctor is convinced me realizing that has helped my memory. Because it’s something I’ve longed for my entire life and I desperately don’t want to forget it now that I have it.

“Do you need to rest a while?” Hugo asks.

“No. I wasn’t doing anything strenuous. I’m good.”

He nods, but doesn’t let me go until another knock on my door interrupts us. Even as it opens, Hugo doesn’t release me entirely. He shifts us both so we can see.

Egon pushes the door open and smiles. “Hey,” he greets. “Everything okay?”

I nod. I’ve been seeing Egon three or four times a week to work on my muscles. There are weird aches in my body that hadn’t been there before. I had a fracture in my ankle. It was small and not like, my bones were broken in half or anything. There were also a lot of pulled and strained muscles or whatever.

Egon isn’t a physical therapist, he’s an athletic trainer. But he spoke with the PT the hospital assigned me and they released my care to him as long as he agreed to consult them with any concerns or uncertainties.

I also talk to a brain therapist who specializes in head injuries after accidents. It feels like we’re talking and playing games, but apparently, she’s helping me to regain old memories and retain new ones. The idea that I can forget new things is so fucking scary. I can forget new people and new skills and… yeah. I’m not a fan of this memory issue thing.

Not that I want to remember the accident. I don’t.

“You ready?” Egon asks.

Hugo looks at me and I smile, nodding. “Yep. I really was just putting the last thing on the table.”

“Cool. I still want a seal.”

Laughing, I extricate myself from Hugo’s arms and walk to my wall of merch. I pull the container with the stuffed seals and choose one, tossing it to Egon. He grins.

“Thanks. I will cherish it.”

I roll my eyes, but my smile won’t be discouraged. Hugo takes my backpack and slings it on his shoulder before picking up his gym bag. He offers me his hand.

I’ve told him time and time again, I can carry my own bag, but he’s not having it. I don’t think he was big on letting me carry my own shit before the accident though, I can’t remember that specific detail. But since, I haven’t carried anything heavier than a glass of water. Even then, I rarely carry it.

I argue that I need to work on my strength. He argues that’s what I’m doing with Egon in the gym. He’s not wrong, I suppose .

I flip the light off and shut the door behind us. On the way down the hall, Egon pops into Coach’s office. “We’re heading to my place.”

Coach smiles and inclines his head in acknowledgement. It’s 50/50 if he comes over. If we’re at Atty’s house, he’ll almost always hang out with us. But if we go to someone else’s house, he’s only there about half the time.

We’ve been splitting whose house we go to. One week will be Atty’s, then Hugo’s, then Winny’s, then Noah’s. This week is Egon’s. Then we’ll go back to Atty’s. I’m not sure why we’ve made the change, but I don’t hate it. We’ve talked about going to my apartment because everyone would like to see the fish, but I’m not sure eight big men, plus me and Dana, would fit in my little studio.

The air is nice. It’s still winter, technically, but it’s already starting to warm up with highs in the sixties. Not that it usually gets below mid-sixties during the day no matter the time of year.

“Meet you there,” Egon calls as he veers off toward his car. He waves the seal in the air with a big smile.

“Rake’s going to be jealous,” Hugo says. “I think he’s going to be cuddling that seal instead of his husband.”

“Maybe I should have given him one of the big seals.”

Hugo’s smile is always so big and bright; it’s something I love about him. He kisses the side of my head as we stop at his car. He tosses our bags into the trunk before opening my door for me.

I haven’t gotten a new car yet, so Hugo drives me everywhere I need to go. He promises that we’ll get me a new car soon, but I don’t think he’s in a hurry to give me a means to be away from him. I’m not even sad about it. I love spending every minute I have with my boyfriend.

We went to the junkyard where my car was the week after I was discharged from the hospital to look for my phone and whatever else I might have had in there. But I didn’t go inside to see my car. I’d already been talking to the therapist and she told me that some things can be trigger objects and can unlock specific memories.

I was afraid seeing my car would trigger my memory of the accident and I didn’t want to remember that. When Hugo came back looking like a ghost with all the color drained from his face, I decided I made the right decision. I heard him tell my mom later that he was surprised I survived.

Chills race across my body every time I remember the day we visited the junkyard and I imagine my mangled car… I could have died.

Everyone says the accident wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t even following too closely. But I was going sixty-eight on the highway—as one does—when the tractor trailer truck, hit by a drunk driver, jackknifed in front of me and I couldn’t stop in time to prevent myself from running into it.

The doctor says that if I’d hit it head on, I probably would have died. But because I’d tried to avoid the collision and jerked my steering wheel, which made my car spin and I slammed into the truck—still moving as the laws of nature says it must until it meets enough friction to stop, by the way—sideways. On my driver’s side.

There’s speculation that if I’d hit on the passenger side, I might have suffered less trauma. I wish I could say why I spun to the right instead of the left. But since I don’t remember the accident, I don’t have an answer. I don’t even have any guesses. Instinct, I suppose.

But yeah, I’m not in a hurry to drive again. I think mostly it’s because of fear. Maybe getting behind the wheel of a vehicle will also trigger the memory of the accident. Maybe I’ll panic if I have to drive somewhere. Who knows, my fear of getting in another accident could become too much and I will get in an accident.

Nope. I’d rather stay beside Hugo where I can turn my face into his shoulder when something outside the car makes me nervous.

As I knew he would, once we’re on the road, Hugo asks, “You sure you’re up to going?”

I smile and grip his hand. “Yes.”

It’s not just my anxiety that he’s mindful of now. It’s literally everything. Some people might be annoyed, but I know his concern is out of love for me, so it doesn’t bother me as it might others. I love how he checks in all the time. I’ve never experienced this level of care from anyone in my life. Maybe that’s why it feels different for me.

We pull into the driveway right behind Egon. Noah’s and Winny’s cars are already here. Hugo puts us in park and shuts off the engine. He kisses the back of my hand before letting it go. I think I have the sweetest man alive.

Hugo meets me around my side of the car. As soon as my feet are on the ground, he has me against his chest. I smile, hiding it in his neck. “I’m really fine,” I assure him.

“I know. I need a hug.”

I tighten my hold on him. I don’t want him to live his life in a constant state of worry for me, but I’m not sure how to alleviate that fear. It will fade in time, I hope.

“No headaches, right?”

“None.”

“You’re not feeling anxious?”

I lean back so I can look at him. “You know what I want to do?” Hugo shakes his head. “I want to go spend the afternoon with your friends.”

“Our friends,” he corrects.

“Yes. Our friends. Then I want to go home and put your big dick inside me. Make us both feel good until we’re nothing but a single sweaty pile of limbs on the bed.”

Hugo shivers and nods excitedly. “Yes. Let’s do that.”

I rest my hand on the side of his face, feeling his soft stubble under my palm. “I love you. I promise, I’ll tell you if I get a headache or if I need a break from all the people. You don’t need to worry about me quite so much. I love that you do, but I will tell you if I need something. Okay?”

He sighs. “Okay.”

“How about if I tell you what I don’t need?”

His eyebrows knit together. “Yes.”

“I don’t need a car for a while if you’re okay driving me places. Every time I think about it, I get anxious.”

Hugo sighs. Pressing his lips to mine, he kisses me for several long minutes until a horn makes us jump. Noah’s pulling in, shaking his head. He’s smiling, so I know he’s not actually exasperated by us kissing in the driveway.

“No car,” Hugo agrees. “I’m glad you don’t want one. The thought of you getting in a car without me makes me hyperventilate.”

“You’re not going to get annoyed with being my chauffeur? ”

“No. If I could live inside your body so I’m always with you and know that you’re good, I would do that.”

I grin. “That’s not creepy at all,” I tease.

“What’re you two doing out here making out?” Noah asks as he joins us at our sides.

“Just what you said,” Hugo says, taking my hand and pulling us toward the door. “Making out. It’s rude to do that in a room full of people, so we were having a kissing break before going inside.”

Noah snorts. “Were we like that?”

I glance back in time to see Elixon pull him close and give him a filthy kiss. I flush and turn away.

“We still are,” Elixon says.

Inside the door, Puck is waiting. Hugo stops as the beast of a cat stares at us. I’m not sure if we’re being scolded with that look for any particular reason, or if he’s just angry.

“He knows you gave Egon a seal to snuggle with,” Hugo murmurs. “You might be on his dinner menu tonight.”

I laugh and yet… maybe he’s right. Puck does not look pleased with me.

“What did you do to the monster?” Noah asks as he comes in behind us a second later. His cheeks are flushed when I meet his eyes. He gives me a shy smile, but makes a pointed look at the cat.

“I may have facilitated his daddy loving another animal,” I whisper. “Do you think he knows it was me?”

“He knows,” Rake calls from the other room. “You’re on both of our shit lists.”

Hugo laughs, pulling me into his side and kissing my cheek.

“His jealousy over a stuffed animal is hot,” Egon calls from a different direction in the house.

I can imagine Rake either scowling or giving him this look that is all too reminiscent of a teacher who is not at all pleased with your shenanigans.

With a content sigh, I settle into Hugo’s side as we join everyone in the family room. I love this. I want this forever. I’m so thankful I was given a second chance at life.