Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
HUGO
Since talking to Torin about sex and marriage and stuff, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about… everything. Him. Us. Me.
I feel better about having told him I’m a virgin. Having grown up with two teenage parents for siblings and screaming children since I was nine, there’s been this big, almost suffocating fear growing inside me saying I’d never get away from that. Then when my mother asked if I was going to end up like them, that fear turned into dread.
I love my siblings. They made mistakes. Misjudgments. As much as they love their kids, I have no doubt in my mind they’d do things differently if given the opportunity.
But I can’t deny that I definitely gained a lot of fear from their experiences. Their stress and exhaustion. Their frustration and anger. Resentment.
It’s hung around me like a boulder I carry around, dragging it from one moment in life into another. My childhood made me scared of sex. Scared that accidental pregnancy is the only outcome. Especially with my sister maintaining that she used protection.
If contraception isn’t a guarantee, that’s a huge risk and I don’t want to live with the consequences for the rest of my life unless it’s my choice. The entire thing has made sex into this huge deal. An orgasm is great, yes, but is it worth an accident? Is the risk worth the reward? A short-lived reward at that .
I’m pacing in front of Atty’s door. I know which door is his because we were assigned rooms at the same time and I overheard his room number. I’m a creep like that. But I’m not sure what I want to ask.
I know asking him questions is what I want to do because I think his situation is similar to mine. One man changed his life. I think I’m on the verge of the same thing.
And I’m a little scared. Especially after all the things we’ve been talking about. Torin is always quick to tell me there’s no pressure and we’re just having conversations that start out innocent enough before turning into something big and serious.
The thing is, for the first time in my life, I might feel something more than ambivalence toward someone. I’m not sure what to do with that information. I’m not sure why it’s a guy who triggered these emotions in me. I don’t care that Torin’s a guy, exactly. In fact, while we were teasing at the time, the fact that pregnancy isn’t an option has lifted so much fucking weight from my shoulders, I feel like I’m floating and my feet barely touch the ground now.
Still. I have questions and I’m not sure where else to turn.
Taking a breath, I stop pacing outside of Atty’s door like a creep and knock. It’s a few seconds before he answers. It’s still so weird seeing him clean shaven and with short hair. There are days when I still don’t recognize him at all.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” I answer. “I uh… have some questions and I think I want to ask you.”
He smiles. “Sure.” Atty takes a step back and I walk into his room. It doesn’t look any different from mine, but mirrored.
Toby is sitting at the table, one leg bent with his foot on the seat. He smiles at me.
“Oh. I didn’t know you were here. I can wait.”
“It’s fine,” Atty tells me when I turn for the door. He’s blocking my path. “We’re just waiting for food. Not doing anything freaky.”
“I don’t want to interrupt your time together.”
“You’re not interrupting,” Toby says.
“I wouldn’t have answered the door if we’d been in the middle of something. Besides, I’m with Toby all the time. Contrary to how it might appear, we can do things separately and keep our hands off each other.”
“Mostly,” Toby adds.
I grin. Atty hasn’t moved from where he’s blocking me so I take the hint and go further into the room, and sit on the cushy chair by the window. He has a better view than I do.
“If you want to have a private conversation, I can go down to the bar for a bit,” Toby offers.
I shake my head. “No. It’s fine. It’s not that private. Just maybe not a conversation I want in front of the whole team so, you know, the plane or bus wasn’t my first choice.”
Atty chuckles. He sits on the edge of the bed close to me. “What’s up, Hugo?”
The thing is, I don’t even know what I want to ask. There are so many half-formed questions in my head, but none of them are fully shaped. So I just blurt the first one that seems to make any kind of sense. “Why did you get married?”
My question takes him off guard entirely.
“You were there,” Atty says.
“I didn’t ask when,” I retort, grinning. “I want to know why. Why did you decide to get married? Why not just… live together forever?”
Atty looks at Toby and for a minute, they just stare at each other.
“I don’t know,” Atty muses after a minute. “I guess… in my fairy tale, it always ends with a wedding that leads into happily ever after. That’s what I wanted.”
“So that’s what I gave him,” Toby says.
Atty grins, turning his attention back to me. “You better not be thinking about getting married, Hugo. I haven’t even met these girls you’ve been seeing.”
“There was no girl,” I say, sighing.
“You told us?—”
I wave him off. “I made assumptions. One was always a guy and the other I just assumed a gender for literally no reason at all.”
Atty tries not to smile. I can see him fighting it. “Okay. I stand by my previous statement. We’re just swapping out pronouns.”
“No, I’m not,” I say, shaking my head. “I just… we were having a ge neral conversation. Reflecting on what defines a successful life that has purpose and shit. You know—wife, kids, house, career. That kind of thing. Which means we were talking about marriage and I guess I never truly understood the appeal. I don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on a single day to prove I love someone. A piece of paper doesn’t prove that either. One is just a money grab and the other forces you to spend more money to dissolve the piece of paper or stay stuck in a sucky marriage.”
“Wow,” Toby deadpans. “You’re not a fan of loving someone, huh?”
I laugh, but it doesn’t sound humorous. “That’s the thing. I guess I never really thought it’d exist for me. Maybe it does now, but…” I sigh and drop my head back because I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. “I—How did you know Toby was it for you? How did you decide you were bisexual?” I wince and pick up my head. “I didn’t mean it that way. I know it’s not a choice. I just meant?—”
“Easy, Hugo,” Atty says, leaning forward and gripping my wrist. “I know you know it’s not a decision. I can see that you’re frustrated or flustered so how about right now, for this conversation, don’t worry about how you ask a question. I’m not going to be offended. We all know you’re not trying to offend me or hurt me. Okay?”
“Yes. Thank you,” I say, sighing in relief. “I’m going to preemptively apologize right now, then. I’m sorry for everything I say.”
He laughs. “I don’t have a real answer for you, Hugo. I think about this sometimes and wonder if maybe my parents figured it out before I did and maybe that’s why they basically shoved Marie down my throat since I hit puberty. Maybe they knew I was into guys and they were circumventing that. My life was completely this one woman and because I try to be a good person, I just didn’t look anywhere else. Ever. Even all those times we broke up, I rarely looked around. There were always women waiting in the wings and…” Atty shrugs. “I don’t know. So for me, it wasn’t about… the sudden change in me. I think it was the change in my life. I was ready to stop living someone else’s prescribed life and needing to find my own path. Maybe that opened me up to finally looking around for real.”
“And you saw Toby.”
Atty smiles, his gaze drifting to Toby for a minute. “Yeah.”
“You knew when you saw him. Right in that moment.”
He nods. “The short answer is yes. I made some decisions that night which in hindsight were very unlike me. Reckless and maybe a little risky.”
“Irresponsible,” Toby adds. “I could have really hurt you.”
Atty nods, his lips curling a little. “Yes, I know. Like I said, looking back, there were some strange decisions I did make that I can’t explain except by saying something frufru, like my heart knew or my soul recognized his or whatever. But it wasn’t a sexuality decision. That was all who I already was. I just hadn’t had an opportunity to really know it until that point.”
I think about how that kind of relates to me and Torin. Every time I saw Torin, I always said hi to him. I thought it was just because I’m friendly and he looked like he needed a friend. And maybe I needed a friend when I was feeling out of place with my friends because they all had partners and I didn’t, so I started hanging out with Torin.
But according to the internet, everything that came after hanging out isn’t something friends do. They don’t cuddle. Or get hard. They don’t jerk off together in the shower.
“I’m just going to throw this out there,” Atty says, making me turn my attention back to him. “How it happened for me isn’t how it’ll happen for everyone.”
“No, I know. I’m just comparing your moment with… mine. Trying to make sense of it, I guess.”
“Are you concerned about his dick?” Toby asks.
I grin. “No. I don’t even care that he’s a guy. Honestly, I don’t know what I really want to know. I just feel… a little confused, but I’m not sure what about. I’m cool with his dick. I know how sex works between guys. That I’m interested in a guy—even one—must mean I’m bisexual to some extent, right? I’m not even questioning my interest in him at all. I guess… it’s not about him or us. It’s about me.”
“What about you?” Atty asks .
“Like… the marriage thing. I just don’t understand its purpose. In the barbaric days, it was about ownership and advancing your class. But why now? Supposedly we’re more evolved than that as a culture, but it still feels like a very barbaric practice. And kids… The whole concept of kids horrifies me, which I know is stemming from my childhood, but like… couples are supposed to compromise. How do I compromise on these things?”
“First, kids aren’t something you can really compromise on. Not as a parent. If you bring a child into this world, you need to be able to commit completely. Dedicate yourself to them entirely.”
I shake my head. “I’m far too selfish for that.”
“No, you’re not, Hugo. In fact, it’s really, really great that you know you don’t want kids. Because you know this about yourself and that’s huge. There are some things in life you shouldn’t be fluid on, especially when it’s concerning another life which will be solely dependent on you for at least two decades. That’s a really mature thing to know, Hugo. As for marriage…” Atty shrugs.
“Marriage is something you can compromise on,” Toby says and we both turn to look at him. “It doesn’t mean anything to you. Honestly, when you put it the way you just explained, I can even understand why it doesn’t. It doesn’t signify anything, and that’s okay. But if it means something to the person you love, you can still offer them that as a gesture of your love. Because in that case, it’s for them. You’re doing it for them, as the person you love and want to spend your life with. My love for Atty isn’t contingent on our marriage. I love him and I want to spend my life with him. I want to give him everything—including the wedding of his dreams. Even if the wedding itself or being married meant nothing to me, I’d still have given him the wedding he’s always wanted. Atty wants a fairy tale and I’m determined to give him that.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t thought about it that way. While they make googly lovey eyes at each other, I think about what Toby said. It’s an expensive gesture of love, but… if I loved someone so much to want to spend my life with them, I could do that. I would do that happily.
Torin’s smile dances in front of my eyes. His flushed cheeks. His beautiful, uniquely colored eyes. How happy he is whenever I do something small, like take him on a date. Or remember he has social anxiety and make sure our dates aren’t filled with people.
I would do a whole lot to show Torin he’s important to me.
“How do you know when you love someone?” I ask absently. I’m not sure the question was meant to be said out loud.
Atty laughs quietly. “Asking the tough questions today.”
I give him a smile in apology.
“There isn’t a single answer for that, either. I guess… when you make them your priority. Not necessarily consciously, but when it just becomes innate. Thinking about them often. Wanting to be with them all the time.”
“Feeling a little jealous sometimes. Even when it’s a stupid thing to be jealous about,” Toby adds.
Atty gives him an amused look.
“To follow up on our wedding discussion, that’s always a gesture to know you love them. You want to see that person happy and doing something just to make them happy, even when it means little to nothing to you personally, is a good indication that you love them,” Toby says.
“Wanting to make future plans with them,” Atty adds, nodding. “An intensifying attraction. Enjoying and maybe craving physical contact. Can be something as simple as cuddles or holding hands.”
“Smiling when you think about them,” Toby says.
A knock on the door interrupts us. Toby gets up from the table to answer. He returns a minute later with his hands filled with bags.
“Did you order for the team?” I ask, laughing.
“My hockey man eats a lot,” Toby teases.
Atty gives me a deadpan look. “This is a little TMI, but I burn just as many calories with my husband as I do playing hockey.”
I grin.
Toby hands me a take-out container and a spoon. I have no idea what I’m eating—noodles, meat, vegetables, sauce—but it smells divine and tastes even better.
For several minutes, we eat in silence while I think about what they’ve said. The things we’ve talked about. While I didn’t have a clear reason for coming here today, I feel a lot better. I feel like I have some answers to questions I wasn’t even sure I had .
“So,” Atty says and I glance up from my plate. “Are we going to pretend you’re not talking about Torin?”
I’m surprised and yet, I can feel the big smile spread across my face. “No. I just… didn’t realize I was being obvious, I guess.”
Atty chuckles. “Hugo, the astronauts on the international space station can see the way you look at that man. We’ve just been waiting for you to tell us.”
I slink back into the chair with a sigh. “Yes. Torin. He’s my boyfriend.”
“About time you tell us,” Toby says. “Now let’s really talk.”
Not going to lie. Having someone to gush about Torin with turns out to be one of the best things that’s come of today. It also makes me realize that maybe I am falling for him. Just a little, anyway.