Chapter 51

The stormy weather that had blighted their days in October and November made Helen yearn for longer days and warmer nights. It was miserable not having blue sky to look out at for weeks on end. The rain had been depressing enough but now it was colder and she doubted her mood could sink any lower.

The only brightness in her day was her darling Bobby. It amazed her how he managed to stay content in his small world. If only she could do the same.

‘Do you mind if I come and join you both for a bit?' Peggy asked from the doorway.

Helen was surprised to see her friend standing there. She must have been deep in thought not to have heard Peggy's footsteps on the creaky floorboards on the stairs up to the attic.

‘Not at all,' she said, hoping to hear how her friend's cycle ride to Gorey had gone. ‘Come and tell me everything.'

She opened the trunk and Peggy helped her pull out the mattress and bedding and set them down on the floor so they had somewhere comfortable to sit. Peggy was rubbing her arms to warm up so Helen picked up one of the blankets and handed it to her. ‘You'd better wrap this around your shoulders, it's pretty chilly up here.'

‘It's more than chilly,' Peggy said giving her a sympathetic look. ‘I thought it was cold downstairs, but this is perishing.'

‘Which is why Bobby is wearing three layers of clothes and the woolly hat your mum knitted for him – and also why we go to bed earlier when it's colder like this.'

‘You sound down,' Peggy said. ‘Not that I'm surprised with what you have to deal with each day.'

‘I am a bit.' Not wanting her friend to think her ungrateful, she added. ‘I always find the winters more difficult, although sunny winter days are fine.' She noticed Peggy studying her hands thoughtfully. ‘Is something up?'

Her friend looked at her. ‘I've had an idea but I'm not sure what you'll think about it.'

Intrigued, Helen widened her eyes. ‘Well, are you going to tell me or keep it to yourself?' she teased, desperate to hear something interesting.

‘You'll need to hear me out before deciding.'

Helen raised her hands. ‘You have my undivided attention.'

She listened in stunned silence as Peggy explained her plan, excitement mounting with every word.

‘What do you think?' Peggy asked when she had finished.

Helen wasn't sure. ‘I want to go out, desperately. Although I can't help worrying that if I do and something happens, your family and Tony will be in terrible trouble. You could be imprisoned or even sent away. Tony in particular. He's already spent time in prison, and he's known to the authorities – and he's already been extremely kind to Bobby and me.'

‘I know, and if I'm honest it worries me, too. However, it bothers me seeing you become more withdrawn, and it's not healthy for you to be stuck inside all day. It's not right. I'm sure that even if you only have one evening outside it will do you the world of good.'

Helen loved the idea of a change of scenery. ‘Never mind an evening, an hour would be heavenly.' She pictured herself walking along the pavement, breathing in the night air, as most people had the freedom to do. ‘But what if I'm caught and separated from Bobby? Who would look after him?' A sob caught in her throat at the prospect and her enthusiasm for the idea dissipated.

They turned to Bobby and watched him playing quietly.

‘He's such a lovely child,' Peggy said quietly before addressing her again. ‘I hope it goes without saying that Mum, Babs and I would always make sure Bobby was cared for. We love him almost as much as you do, and he feels like family to us. We would never allow anything to happen to him, I promise you that from the bottom of my heart.'

Helen reached out, took her friend's hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘I know you would. You three are closer to me than my actual family now.'

She saw how her words touched Peggy, who wiped away a stray tear. ‘Babs and I see you as a sister and Mum definitely sees Bobby as her grandchild.'

Reassured, Helen pictured her two friends. ‘I could certainly pass as you from a distance,' she said. ‘I might not be as dark-haired as you but I'm almost as tall.'

‘And a similar shape,' Peggy said. ‘Unlike Babs, who's several inches shorter and fairer like Mum.'

Helen watched Bobby for a little longer. Should she not rather remain in the safety of the house with him?

Peggy patted her knee. ‘If you're worried about going out?—'

‘Am I being selfish wanting to do this when Bobby can't go anywhere?'

Peggy shook her head and frowned. ‘No. He's sensitive to your feelings and if you're happy and content then he will be, too. Don't you think that if I've picked up on your sadness, he's bound to have, given that he's with you all the time?'

She had a point. ‘Now you're making me feel guilty.'

‘That's not what I meant. Anyway, you mustn't think that way. These are terrible times, especially for people in hiding. I think you should go out. It will give you something different to think about when you're stuck up here.'

‘I'll do it,' Helen said, realising her longing to be outside was increasing by the second. ‘Tell me what to do.'

‘I'm so pleased.' Peggy stood up. ‘And I know the others will be, too. I'll go and tell Tony and Babs now.'

‘Now?' Helen asked, shocked at the immediacy. ‘You mean he's waiting downstairs to go out tonight?'

Peggy shrugged. ‘Why wait another day? It's freezing cold now that the sun has set and everyone will be wrapped up in hats and scarves. It will be easier to hide in all that clothing and far less likely that you'll be recognised.'

‘I suppose you're right.' Her confidence waned slightly.

‘You'll be out there and back in here before you know it.' Peggy thought for a moment. ‘Your accent is different to mine, so maybe try not to speak to anyone.' Helen nodded feeling her nerves getting the better of her. ‘I'll go and speak to the others, and you follow me down with Bobby when you're ready. Better put on a couple of layers now, and then I'll lend you my coat, boots and hat.' Peggy stopped at the door and raised a finger. ‘And don't think about it too much.'

* * *

Half an hour later, Helen was waiting for Ida to open the front door, her heart racing so fast she wasn't sure she could make her legs work properly. Peggy's navy beret was pulled low over her hair and ears, and a thick woollen scarf wound around her neck covered her lower face. She looked down at Peggy's coat, wishing she had one as beautiful. Even her friend's boots were more comfortable than her own.

‘You ready?' Babs asked coming to stand next to her.

‘It's a bit slippery out there,' Tony warned, doing up his coat and putting on his hat. ‘You'd better slip your arm through mine because that's what Peggy would do.'

She did as he asked, feeling a little awkward at first, but relaxing slightly when Peggy gave her an encouraging smile. ‘I'll go into the kitchen and take Bobby, in case anyone comes past,' she said. ‘It would ruin everything if either of us were seen.'

‘Shall we go?' Tony asked.

Helen took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. ‘Yes, let's do this.'

Ida smiled and opened the door. ‘Off you go then, lovey. And remember, enjoy every moment.'

‘I will, thank you.'

She stepped out onto the front steps and faltered as her courage began to fail. She hadn't been outside for so long and the shock of being exposed to danger hit her like a slap. ‘I…I'm not sure I can do this.'

Babs followed them out. ‘You have to. There's one of the officers near the window next door and if he sees you acting oddly, he'll suspect something.'

Helen took in a slow deep breath, closing her eyes briefly and remembering herself standing at her attic window each day, wishing she was outside like everyone else. Now she was.

‘Let's go this way, shall we?' Tony suggested, leading her away from number 2 so they had their backs to anyone watching. He patted her hand that rested on his arm. ‘You're doing well,' he said, leaning his head closer to hers and keeping his voice low.

As she walked, her discomfort lessened, and when Babs came up next to her and gave an excited squeak, Helen relaxed enough to laugh.

‘Having fun yet?' Babs asked.

‘I think so.' Helen was enjoying the cold night breeze brushing past her legs. ‘This is wonderful.' She took care not to be over enthusiastic about gazing up at the stars. She could do that from inside her attic room. Instead she focused on taking in all the sights and smells she had missed while being in hiding for so many months. It was a joy to pass houses she recognised from her walks to and from work. How oblivious she had been then, unaware that the simple act of walking down the road could be taken from her for so long.

‘Evening,' a man and his wife said, giving them a nod as they passed.

‘Good evening,' Tony said, squeezing her arm to his side slightly when she didn't react.

Recalling Peggy's warning not to speak, Helen nodded feeling as if they could see straight through this act of hers. It occurred to her that this was the first time she had been addressed by anyone other than Tony or the Hamel family since going into hiding.

Most people they passed huddled into their clothes and kept to themselves, and when they walked all the way to Millbrook, Helen was shocked at how much her legs ached. It wasn't surprising that she was tired, she mused, realising how unfit she must be through lack of exercise and food.

‘I hope your feet aren't becoming sore in Peggy's boots,' Babs whispered.

‘I hadn't noticed if they were,' Helen said with a laugh. She didn't care about blisters. This was far too exciting and special to have it dampened by those little blighters.

‘Good.'

‘I thought we'd pop into the shop for something,' Tony suggested. ‘Give us a reason to come this far. Would that be all right?'

Helen tensed, then, wanting to make the most of her outing, agreed. ‘Good idea.'

‘How do you feel?' Babs asked, her excitement clear in her voice.

‘I'm loving every moment,' Helen assured them. ‘Thank you both from the bottom of my heart. This is something I'll never forget.'

Tony patted her hand in reply.

Babs nudged her gently. ‘Maybe it won't be too long until you're able to do this freely.'

Wouldn't that be nice, Helen thought, hoping her friend could be right.